Me Myself Milly (17 page)

I hated myself for not telling Archie he couldn’t come with us on that day and for not telling Lily she couldn’t go into the woods and for making her carry the bag with the stone in
it.

I blew my nose on some toilet roll. I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know that my nose and eyes must be red and swollen. I didn’t want to leave the cubicle but the cleaning
staff would be in soon and I didn’t want them to find me here.

I closed my eyes. I was so tired.

I was tired of never being able to sleep because when I shut my eyes all I saw was Lily standing at the end of my bed in a waterlogged duffle coat with leaves and twigs in her hair, looking at
me.

I was tired of pretending to Mum that I was okay and that I wasn’t crippled with guilt every time I smiled or felt happy.

I was tired of Mum pretending to me that she wasn’t wishing every day it was me and not Lily who had drowned.

I was tired of pretending to be Emily.

But most of all I was tired of pretending that Lily was still here; about to come down the basement steps. I was tired of pretending she was in the chair or sitting in her bed, talking to me and
watching me.

I was tired of not facing up to the fact that she was gone.

And I didn’t know what to do about any of it and I’d never felt so lonely in my life.

I opened the cubicle door. Effy was leaning on the sink.

I scoured her expression for signs of pity but I couldn’t detect anything.

I thought,
If she says something cheerful I’m going to hit her.

‘I’ve got your bag,’ said Effy. Then she crossed the floor and gave me a hug. I thought I might start crying again but it seemed I’d cried myself out. Effy let go.

‘I’ve rung my dad. He’s coming to pick us up and take you home.’

I nodded. Good old practical Effy.

‘I knew, you know,’ said Effy, when we were sitting on the wall waiting for her dad.

‘What do you mean?’

Effy looked embarrassed. ‘When we first met and I mentioned you to my mum she said the name sounded familiar. I Googled it and it came up with the news story. You know, it was in all the
papers.’

I had known but I hadn’t looked at any of them.

‘You never said.’ I thought back to Effy chatting away about her problems and wondered if she’d just been filling a huge gap caused by my silence.

‘I thought you’d tell me when you were ready,’ said Effy.

‘I wasn’t ready,’ I said, ‘and now everyone knows.’

‘Bloody Amy,’ said Effy.

I nodded.

In the car I remembered I was supposed to be going to Ted’s. I’d get Mum to ring him when I got home and tell him I wasn’t coming today. I really wanted to see Mum. I should be
talking to Mum, not Ted.

Effy’s dad stopped the car outside our house. Effy squeezed my hand. ‘Ring me if you want, later.’

I nodded and squeezed her hand back to show that I was grateful to her.

I went down the basement steps but stopped with my hand on the door handle. Before I went in I made a promise to myself that I was going to accept the fact that Lily had gone
and stop pretending she was in there. Also, I was going to have a proper talk with Mum.

The kitchen was very tidy. It looked like Mum had given it a thorough clean. That could only mean one thing. She was putting off getting down to work. I switched the kettle on, deciding that I
would have a cup of coffee and then I was going to go and sort out my room.

The last time I tried to do it Mum had come in.

‘What are you doing?’ she’d said, standing in the doorway.

I’d paused. I was holding one of Lily’s skirts in my hand. It was an Indian, embroidered skirt with tiny bells hanging off the drawstrings. Very ethnic and very Lily. My hand shook
slightly and the bells jingled in the silence, almost like Lily was contributing to the discussion.

‘I’m just having a sort out.’

I’d been putting all Lily’s things from the floor onto her bed. I planned to clear the floor and Hoover it, and then I was going to put some of Lily’s stuff into boxes and put
them under the bed. It wasn’t easy. I’d been building up to it for ages.

‘Don’t,’ said Mum. I’d looked at her. ‘Lily wouldn’t like it,’ she’d said.

She was right. Lily wouldn’t have liked it.
If she’d been here
.

So I’d thrown everything back onto the floor and it had been there ever since. Like she was still here. Like she could walk through the door any minute. Perhaps that’s when I’d
started to pretend that Lily
was
still here, I couldn’t really remember.

But none of it was helping. It wasn’t like I wanted to eradicate all signs of Lily, I just needed to clear the floor and tidy up a bit. Surely Mum could understand that. It wasn’t
like I was asking her to get rid of the stuff or asking her to get rid of Lily’s bed. That’s what I hated most: Lily’s empty bed. But getting rid of it would be too much. I tried
to imagine asking Effy over for the weekend and having her sleep in it. I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet.

One step at a time. I think I’d just taken the first step.

I suddenly remembered Ted and the fact that I was meant to be there. I’d better ring him or better still get Mum to do it. I made her a cup of tea and it wasn’t until I was pouring
the milk that I began to wonder if she was even in. If she thought I was going to Ted’s, perhaps she’d gone out. It was very quiet.

I found Mum in the sitting room, asleep on the sofa.

‘Mum, I’ve brought you some tea.’

How was I going to explain that I wasn’t at Ted’s without telling her about the awful lesson and the journal and everything? I wasn’t sure if I could face that right now, I
felt washed out and a bit shaky.

Should I leave her to sleep and ring Ted myself? Mum might not wake up for a couple of hours and then she’d never know I hadn’t made it to Ted’s. I could do with a sleep
myself. I went to put her tea on the side table and that was when I saw the empty pill bottle and the empty bottle of whisky.

I panicked. I’m not entirely sure what happened next. I think I instinctively ran upstairs to get help but I used the stairs indoors; the ones that were covered in things. I clambered over
the stuff but when I got to the top the door was locked. I was banging on it and calling out for help. Then the door opened and a very shocked Devlin was standing there.

I must have been gabbling because he said, ‘Slow down, start again,’ but I was beyond speech so I gestured for him to follow me and stumbled back down the stairs.

I remember shaking Mum and her not waking up, at which point I must have got a bit rough with the shaking because Devlin pulled me off. He bent over her. ‘It’s okay,’ he said,
‘she’s still breathing, but I think we should call the emergency services.’

I was on my knees by the sofa saying, ‘Mum, Mum,’ over and over again so Devlin found the phone and tried to ring for an ambulance.

‘Do I call 911?’ said Devlin.

‘No, it’s 999,’ I managed to tell him. I was holding Mum’s hand and rubbing it, willing her to wake up.

‘Shouldn’t we be doing something? Like making her throw up or walk around the room?’ I said. I hated just sitting there.

‘The ambulance will be here soon,’ said Devlin. He looked really worried.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. It was our fault he’d got dragged into this.

‘Hey, it’s not your fault,’ he said, sitting down next to me and taking my hand. I couldn’t look at him. Of course it was my fault. It was all my fault. Everything.

‘Hello!’ The voice was coming from the top of the stairs.

‘Oh, thank God, my mom’s back,’ said Devlin, not even trying to hide his relief. ‘I won’t be long,’ he said, getting up. ‘I’ll be right
back.’

When Devlin’s mum came in I had to move away so she could get a good look at Mum. Then the ambulance crew arrived and they surrounded Mum. I don’t know what they
were saying. It was like my brain had had enough for one day and had shut down. But Devlin never left my side until they loaded Mum into the ambulance. There was no way they were going to shut the
doors on me. I scrambled in after the stretcher. There was a moment’s confusion while the ambulance man tried to persuade me to get out and follow along in a taxi, and I remember refusing and
the ambulance woman said it wouldn’t do any harm.

But when we got to the hospital they hustled Mum away. A nurse told me to go and sit in a waiting room. Then another nurse came and asked me a load of questions about Mum.

‘When can I see her?’ I said.

‘I don’t know, but I’ll keep you informed,’ said the nurse.

It wasn’t until she’d gone and I’d been by myself for what seemed like for ever, sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair, that the realisation hit me. I was alone.
Literally. David and Jeanie were thousands of miles away and apart from them, if something happened to Mum, I had no one. What would happen to me? Would I be sent to live with Eileen and Frank in
Wimbledon? Mum had said they were very elderly so probably not.

I looked around, like I might find the answer somewhere, anywhere. I should have been at home now, talking to Mum about what had happened today, and instead I was sitting alone in a smelly
hospital with Mum possibly dying down the corridor and no one to help me.

I stood up. I wanted to go home. How could Mum have done this to me? I could hardly breathe, I was so outraged at her selfishness. I knew she was hurting about Lily but so was I. Had I tried to
kill myself? I admit I’d wished I was dead a few times since the accident because I didn’t know how I was going to live without Lily, but I’d never considered killing myself
because of what it would have done to Mum if I had.

I didn’t think I could face Mum if she wasn’t dead. I was so angry at her I might kill her myself. I left the waiting room and took off down the corridor, following the exit
signs.

I suddenly realised I had nothing with me – no coat, no money, no phone and no key to the house. I couldn’t even leave. My vision was blurred now by tears but I couldn’t stop
walking. I turned a corner, not caring if it was the right one or not.

‘Hey!’

It was Devlin. Five minutes ago I’d have been overjoyed to see a familiar face but now I was in such a state I couldn’t talk to anyone.

‘Hey,’ said Devlin again, only quieter this time. He held on to my upper arms to stop me from storming past. ‘Milly, it’s me, Devlin.’ There were some chairs along
the wall of the corridor and he led me towards them. All my resistance left me and I burst into tears.

‘Oh no, what’s happened? Your mom . . . Is she . . .?’ He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

‘I . . . don’t . . . know . . .’ I managed.

‘Listen, my mom will be along in a minute, she’s looking for a doctor.’ Devlin was talking slowly and gently to me, as though I was a small child, which was fine by me because
that’s what I felt like. ‘We came straight away in a taxi. Dad’s at home making up a bed for you. You can’t sleep on your own in the flat if they keep your mom in overnight.
Mom’ll find out what’s going on. If anyone can kick ass, it’s my mother.’ His attempt to cheer me up just made me cry all the harder. Devlin put his arm round me and I cried
on his shoulder – literally. I soaked his shirt.

But he was right about his mum. She sure kicked some ass.

Devlin and I waited in the waiting room while she did it. I’d stopped crying but we didn’t talk. I guess we were too busy worrying. But at least I wasn’t on my own any
more.

Mrs Wade came back. ‘Your mum’s fine. You can go and see her now.’

All thoughts of leaving without seeing her vanished. I couldn’t get in there fast enough.

I was shown into a small side ward and saw Mum propped up in a bed. She was attached to a drip and looked more pale and fragile than I thought it was possible for anyone to look and still be
alive.

I went and stood beside her bed but I couldn’t think what to say, so I reached out and took her hand. Mum’s eyelids flickered open.

‘Milly?’

‘I’m here, Mum.’

‘Oh Milly, I’m so sorry.’

I let go of her hand. I couldn’t think what to say.

‘They’re insisting on keeping me in overnight,’ said Mum. ‘It’s pretty embarrassing really.’

‘Embarrassing! You nearly die and you think it’s embarrassing!’ All the rage I’d felt earlier came flooding back. I’d just spent the evening on a roller coaster of
emotions and embarrassment hadn’t exactly been one of them.

Mum looked at me. ‘I didn’t nearly die! Who told you that?’

‘I found you, Mum! You know, with the empty pill bottle and the empty whisky bottle!’

‘Shhh!’ Mum whispered, glancing round the ward. I hadn’t meant to yell but I couldn’t help it. She took hold of my hand.

‘Oh, Milly, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t realise that’s what you thought.’ A tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it away impatiently. ‘The pill bottle was
empty because I’d got to the end of it, not because I’d taken them all. That’s why I overdid it on the whisky. I’m sorry . . . really sorry. I swear it won’t happen
again. I’m never touching another drop of whisky as long as I live, I promise.’