Meant For Me (8 page)

Emma had fallen asleep and Aubrey was shifting her.

“Want me to take her and put her in her crib?” I asked.

“Sure. I’m not going to turn down anything that can allow me to go back to bed faster.” She kissed Emma’s head. “Goodnight, angel, sleep until morning and have sweet dreams.” She kissed her again. “That one is from Daddy.”

It made me ask the question I’d been curious about. “Are you happy? With Riker?”

Her face relaxed and her voice went soft. “Yeah. Very happy.”

“Good.” That was all I needed to see and hear. It was clear she was and my throat tightened. I was glad to hear it. If I was honest, I was jealous too. Petty, but there it was. I took Emma from her and cradled her. Her arms and legs were slack. “How is a baby this small so heavy? She feels like a box of lead.” It was amazing that she didn’t even react to the transfer at all. Her breathing was soundless, her lips still sucking in her sleep.

“She’s pretty packed solid, I have to admit.” Aubrey yawned and stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She shuffled out of the kitchen.

Testing Emma’s weight in my arms, I settled her into a better hold and followed my sister down the hall. Emma’s nursery had a stars and moon glowing nightlight on one wall, giving the room a soft glow. It had a jungle theme and I deposited Emma down onto a zebra striped crib sheet. Leave it to Aubrey to be anti-pink. “Goodnight, kid. I hope you don’t dream a lion is chasing you.” There wasn’t a blanket in there, but I figured it was summer. She wasn’t going to get cold.

With one last slide of my finger over her silky, plump cheek I retreated. In the hallway I looked at my phone and saw that Chloe had texted me links to several videos. Curious, I went to the couch and sank down, clicking the first one. It was Chloe playing at some kind of recital or event.

It amazed me that she felt comfortable sending that. Her insecurity or anxiety or whatever it was clearly didn’t extend to her abilities as a pianist. Nor did she mind me seeing her play obviously. Plugging my phone into headphones I dug out of my bag, I shoved them in and pushed play. The music filled my ears. It wasn’t anything I recognized but I could see that her fingers were crossing the keys rapidly. The music was intense, haunting. But it wasn’t really the sound she was producing, though that was extraordinary. It was the confidence she clearly had. It changed her face.

She looked her age in mastery of the piano, mature and beautiful, capable of stirring shit inside me that didn’t need to be stirred. I wondered how those delicate and long fingers would feel stroking over my cock. Would she squeeze my shaft and work me soft, then hard, then soft? I started getting an erection and I shifted on the couch. My thoughts weren’t supposed to take that detour, but once there, I couldn’t shake them. What would her lips feel like on mine? Would she make a sound if I ate her pussy until she came? It wouldn’t be fucking with a girl like Chloe. It would be intimate.

Exactly what I wasn’t looking for.

And what I didn’t deserve and wasn’t entitled to take.

I couldn’t give her what she would want or need.

Hell, I didn’t even know if she was attracted to me or not. She probably thought I was entertaining but a total tool.

Yet I couldn’t stop watching her. Couldn’t stop studying her fingers, her cheekbones, her lengthy eyelashes that were visible when I zoomed in on her in the video. She was so beautiful.

After an hour and three more videos that I watched a dozen times each, I finally drifted off into a restless sleep with Chloe in my ears and before my eyes.

I woke up a half dozen times during the night and when one o’clock the next day rolled around and Caitlyn arrived at Aubrey’s, I was in a foul mood. I looked like hell. I felt like hell. The only thing that made the prospect of getting through this stupid social nicety with my ex was the fact that Chloe was coming over at three and we were going to get a late lunch. I figured if we went somewhere to eat it wouldn’t be so frustrating that she wasn’t talking to me. We’d both have deli meat in our mouths. But first I had to deal with Caitlyn.

She smiled and it seemed genuine as she came into the room. “Hey, Ethan, it’s really great to see you.” Without any appearance of discomfort, she reached out and hugged me.

I put my arms around her in return and waited to feel some sort of longing or regret. But I didn’t really feel anything other than mild nostalgia. She didn’t feel like she belonged to me anymore. I remembered her scent, her eyes, yet everything was different. She was then, not now. It wasn’t that she seemed like a stranger, but for the first time, I felt truly like both of us had moved on, not just her.

Of course, she had moved on to a real relationship and I was jerking around with the girl of the week.

“Thanks, it’s great to see you, too. You look good, Caitlyn.”

She stepped back, her smile still broad. “Thanks. So isn’t Emma the cutest baby you’ve ever seen?”

“Definitely.” I noted she didn’t say I looked good in return. I didn’t. I needed a haircut and a shave and about a week solid of sleep. I needed to go back to the gym, get some Vitamin D. It hadn’t seemed to matter much before, but now I was aware of how scruffy-ass loser I was. But at the same time, I figured there was no fucking point in worrying about it. It was what it was. So I wasn’t exactly Magic Mike. I still had no problem getting ass.

“How are you?”

“Good. Great.” She shifted into Aubrey’s living room. “I like being back home more than I would have ever guessed.”

“It’s kind of a cool place. You kept it a secret from everyone. I bet you never thought Aubrey would end up living down the road from you.”

I did resent that Caitlyn had kept her entire life basically a secret from me. It shouldn’t matter anymore, but it was hard to let that go, that she hadn’t trusted me enough to understand I wouldn’t give a shit how she had grown up. I hadn’t been with her because I thought she came from an upwardly mobile white family from the supposed right neighborhood. I had been with her because she was intelligent and beautiful and a caring person. I knew that she’d felt a certain sense of shame for having grown up poor with a mentally ill mother, but come on. She had been willing to marry me, but not share the truth with me. It was bullshit.

Bullshit I needed to let go. She had made mistakes and I knew she felt bad about that. I wasn’t exempt from bad choices. Obviously.

She made a face and looked a little uncomfortable with my words. “Yeah, I guess that was childish. But I wanted to forget, so yes, it’s totally ironic that both Aubrey and I ended up here. And now you’re here.”

“Just for a few days. It’s good to see Aubrey and Emma.”

My sister, who was sitting on the couch with the baby, had an expression on her face that was hard to read. I was pretty sure she was worried about me and my reaction. I felt fine. There was still that lingering resentment and I was busted from not getting enough sleep, but it was whatever. I didn’t look at Caitlyn as she came in and sat down and feel that same pit in my gut I had for the longest time. I didn’t want to grab her and shake her until she acknowledged that we should have been together. Nor did I want to kiss her or have sex with her. There was no attraction really. I felt… neutral.

“How’s Heath?” I asked, just to get that out in the open. I didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t talk about her boyfriend. “Aubrey says he has a fishing boat. That sounds cool.”

“He’s great, thanks. The wedding planning is just so ridiculously out of control but it will all be over in two weeks. I think I’ve figured out weddings aren’t my thing.” She laughed. Then she caught herself, her cheeks turning red.

Awesome enough, I didn’t feel anything at that news. That brought me a huge sense of relief. It was like suddenly realizing the prison door is actually unlocked and you’re free. “Two weeks? Congrats. Hey, is Chloe your pianist for the ceremony then?”

My thoughts drifted back to the videos she had sent me. She had a gift. Watching her play was mesmerizing.

Caitlyn looked surprised. “Yes, she is. How did you know?”

“She told me.”

“She was babysitting for me yesterday,” Aubrey said.

There was a knock on the front door. My sister stood up and passed the baby to Caitlyn. “Here, hold her.” When she pulled open the door, she said, “Speak of the devil. Hi, Chloe.”

I sat up straighter and ran my fingers through my hair. Like that was going to do anything to it. It was a shaggy mess, but maybe Chloe was into scruffy guys. Not that it should matter. As Chloe came into the room, her gaze drifted over to me and she gave me a shy smile and a small wave.

A smile played over my lips. Bigger than it should be under the circumstances. “Hey, Chloe. You’re early or did I get the time wrong? I do that.” I stood up because I felt like I wanted to greet her in a way that wasn’t lazy ass on the couch.

She shook her head and pointed to Caitlyn.

“Oh, you’re here to see Caitlyn?”

Nod.

Well, that was disappointing. “And here I thought you wanted to see my ugly face.”

Chloe blushed.

The satisfaction I felt at that color staining her cheeks was way inappropriate. Not surprising though. I was lying when I told Aubrey my interest in Chloe was entirely cerebral. I was attracted to her. That was pretty fucking obvious.

Chloe typed on her phone and she passed it to me.

You give good face.

I laughed.

“Should we leave you two alone?” Aubrey asked.

The bitch was back. Motherhood hadn’t robbed my sister of her need to take random jabs at people. I turned to her, irritated. “Yeah, could you? Thanks.” Then I rolled my eyes. “Chill out. She said she’s here to talk to Caitlyn, but then we’re going out to lunch.”

Caitlyn was watching us with an open mouth. She looked shocked. “How do you two even know each other?”

“We met on the ferry here.” I wondered if she was going to voice an opinion about us spending time together. She had no right to an opinion as far as I was concerned, but that didn’t stop Aubrey so maybe it wouldn’t stop Caitlyn either.

But Caitlyn didn’t seem to know what to say. She just gave an “Oh,” and that was the end of that.

There was a time when it would have made me maliciously gleeful to have her aware that a chick was into me. But it wasn’t even a thought. I was more focused on getting Chloe to myself. I wanted to talk to her. And yeah, stupid as it was, I wanted to hold her hand again. Crazy. But she was wearing a strapless dress and it looked like she had a bikini top on under it, given the straps that came up around her neck. I was distracted as hell by the idea of her in nothing but a bikini. I wanted to reach over and tug that dress straight on down to her ankles.

I wasn’t exactly sure when I had started thinking of Chloe as someone I wanted to kiss and touch and see naked but now that those thoughts were hanging around, I couldn’t shake them. They were stronger by the minute.

So I said, “Come sit down,” and touched her elbow with a smile.

She smiled back.

And we were just a couple of smiling fools.

“Is everything okay?” Caitlyn asked. “Did you want to talk about the wedding music?”

She shook her head. Typing on her phone rapidly, she handed it to Caitlyn.

Caitlyn read it, her lips moving. “Oh, sure no problem. You know we always have too many.”

She looked over and met my eye as Chloe gave a thumb’s up and sat down next to me on the loveseat. “Chloe wants to pick some of our raspberries and make some jellies.”

I turned to Chloe. “You make jelly? Does that mean you can cook?”

She nodded.

“Chloe is a fantastic cook,” Caitlyn said. “Her baking is phenomenal.”

Chloe just made a face.

“Wow, you’re impressive,” I told her, honestly. “You can play the piano and cook like a baller. And beautiful. You’re basically the perfect woman.”

“Don’t tease her,” Aubrey said.

“I’m not teasing!” I protested. “I’m being totally fucking serious. Chloe knows I’m serious.”

I could tell she believed me because her eyes were glassy and her breathing was uneven. This close to her on the couch, our legs were brushing here and there and she could feel it too, I know she could. The stirring heat between us. The urge to kiss her was intense and I leaned in, just wanting to breathe in her scent. “You know, don’t you?”

She nodded. Her lips parted.

For a second I thought she was either going to speak or kiss me, but both were wishful thinking. But it amazed me again how much she could communicate with her eyes. She looked slumberous, innocently lustful. I knew she wanted that kiss I desperately wanted to give her. But Chloe was the girl who would want more. She would want to date, be in a relationship. And I would want more than a kiss too. But what I wanted was different. I wanted to strip her clothes off slowly, stroke and kiss her everywhere. I wanted to touch and taste and turn her on so that she was dripping wet for me. Then I would eat out her pussy until she writhed and yanked on my hair and came hard like no guy had ever made her come. Finally, while she was still catching her breath, I would shove my cock so deep inside her she would be forced to open her mouth and scream her pleasure. She wouldn’t be able to stay quiet.

I wanted to do all of that and more, over and over, because Chloe wasn’t like any girl I’d ever met and I wanted her with a hot-mouthed thirst that was taking over my thoughts.

But I knew that I couldn’t give her more than that. I was not a good boyfriend for a girl like Chloe. Maybe I wasn’t a good boyfriend for any girl. Not now. Not when I was still sorting my waste of a life out.

So I wasn’t going to kiss her. And she wasn’t going to kiss me. Because I was pretty fucking sure I couldn’t stop at just a kiss.

“Is it hot in here?” Aubrey asked.

Right. My sister and Caitlyn were in the room. I hadn’t forgotten but I hadn’t cared.

Caitlyn looked like she didn’t know what the hell to think. She didn’t look horrified but she was definitely shocked. My sister was eyerolling so dramatically I was afraid she might fall over backwards.

“Yes,” I told her, giving her a look of warning. “It’s hot in here. You need air conditioning.”