Mega Millions (4 page)

The woman smiled, laughed, then
waved her finger at him. She said something absolutely
incoherent.

"Good one, Brook!" Josh said, and
they both laughed together.

Brook didn't speak English, Josh
Knew. Well, not English in the traditional sense. Instead of words,
she just babbled, earning her the nickname from him,
Babbling Brook
. After
his first month in Spring Grove, Josh had successfully figured out
a way of communicating with her by using a combination of three
sounds:
Blah
,
Goo
,
and
Uh
.

Breaking down the communications
barrier was an amazing achievement, though his method was
questionable. Josh had started out by pretending to understand
Brook, but somehow he had forgotten the pretending part. Brook,
however, never had a communications problem. In fact, she was
certified genius. Her I.Q. was one of the highest in the state. She
just preferred to remain quiet and had done so until Josh had begun
making odd noises at her. She had decided to plays along when Josh
spoke to her because, well, she thought Josh was mentally
challenged.

At a table to the left, sat Ted,
one of Josh's other
friends
.

"Hey Ted," Josh said. "How's that
case of herpes treating you?"

"I never got the herpes," Ted said
sadly. "You know that. But on the bright side, I'm infected with a
bitchin' case of Teddies right now."

"Way to go, Ted."

"Thanks, buddy. Any luck finding
that lotto ticket?"

"Not yet," Josh said. He leaned
forward and whispered, "I can only look after the lights go out.
Otherwise these bastards will never let me outta here."

"Hey, listen," Ted whispered back,
"while you're looking, do me a solid…if you happen to come by
someone with herpes…send 'em to my room, would ya?"

"I'll do that."

Ted grinned. "Thanks."

Josh knew that Theodore Redmond
Jr. had wanted to be an actor since he was a child. His break had
come when he landed a series of commercials for a company which
sold a herpes cream. Because that was his big chance to make it as
an actor, Ted thought it would be a good idea to contract the
disease in order play the role better. He had launched a national
campaign looking for someone to infect him by posting a series of
online classified ads. After all was said and done, he had
contracted syphilis, gonorrhea, and several other curable sexually
transmitted diseases.

During one of Ted's later
check-ups, his doctor noticed an infection which had never been
seen before. They had named it "Teddies" in his honor.
Unfortunately for Ted, the product he was supposed to promote
really did work, so no matter how hard he had tried, he never
managed to catch herpes.

Thinking he couldn't give a good
performance without the right STD, Ted had lost the acting job to
some two-bit hack that did a series of infomercials selling some
new super-tool with a super-charged rotating this or that. Ted's
agent, who had lost his commission when the herpes deal fell
through, realized that his client was insane, so he tricked Ted
into signing some papers and stuck him in Spring Grove. "I've got
the perfect project for you," Ted's agent had said to him. "Just
hold tight here, kid. I'll be back later." Supposedly while Ted
waited, his agent was busy pitching a film idea based on Ted's
life.

While Josh chatted with Ted about
the benefits of certain STDs, Michelle finally walked away from the
nurses station wearing a huge smile as she strolled
over.

"Shelly, baby," Josh said. "I
haven't seen you in months!"

"Honey," Michelle said excitedly.
"I've got great news."

Josh jumped up and screamed, "I'm
getting out of here?"

"No, silly." Michelle laughed. "Of
course not. What I came here to say is—"

"Penis!" One of the crazy people
blurted out.

After the one-word outburst, the
man who had screamed didn't say anything else, he just looked
around the room as if unsure who had shouted.

"Well, that was certainly random,"
Michelle said.

"Yeah, that's Cameron. They put
him in here for some incident involving hot dogs on a subway train.
Long story. But what the hell, Shelly? Why am I still in here? You
said a few days! You really need to work on your time management
skills? And why haven't you come to see me?"

Michelle reached across the table
and took Josh's hand. "I've been working to get you out. It got
complicated."

"What good is being filthy
stinking rick if I'm stuck in here. Tell them to let me out of here
so I can cash in the ticket. You found it in my wallet,
right?"

Michelle sighed. "Like I said,
it's complicated, Josh. The doctors swear you had a complete mental
breakdown, that you're stuck in your own little world. They tell me
that you refuse to admit the jackpot wasn't real."

"Wasn't real? I'm not crazy," Josh
protested. "I purchased the ticket! I won! Ask Kelly at the liquor
store. She sold it to me. She'll tell you."

Michelle sat silent.

"Call her. Call her right now.
They'll have to let me go. I know where I had put the ticket. We
can have it all, I'm telling ya, Shelly."

Michelle took a deep breath and
said, "This kind of outburst is exactly why the doctors haven't let
you have visitors."

"That's the stupidest thing I've
ever heard. All I need do is talk to just a few people to get this
all cleared up. Why in hell won't they let me do that?"

"Oh, Josh, I don't know how to say
this to you."

"Say what?"

Tears fell from Michelle's eyes.
"The doctors thought that if someone told you the truth…you'd dig
yourself deeper into this fantasy."

"It's not a fantasy. The doctors
are complete fucking idiots. I won the jackpot!" Josh lowered his
voice to a whisper. "Quick, let me borrow your cell. I call
Kelly."

Michelle shook her
head.

Josh's jaw dropped. "Shelly, come
on. We only have a minute or two before those Neanderthals drag me
back to my room."

"Josh, I know this will be
difficult to hear but you need to hear it anyway…Kelly can't help.
You didn't win the lottery. There's no ticket."

Josh pulls his hand away. "Yes,
there is. An old lady was there, too. I ain't ever seen her before,
but we can find her. She'll tell ya."

"No," Michelle said. "The day they
took you, do you remember how you moved all the furniture
outside?"

Josh leaned forward and spoke
quickly. "Look, I'm sorry about that stupid vase. I'll buy you a
new one. Hell, I'll buy you one from the Ming Dynasty if that would
make you happy. Just help me get out of here."

Michelle rolled her eyes. "I know
you would, dear. But you're not listening to me. Remember what you
said as the van pulled away? You said it was in your wallet. I
thought that maybe, just maybe, what if you were telling the truth?
I checked. There wasn't anything in it…except a condom, but will
talk about that later, mister."

Josh looked at the table
sheepishly.

"Forget the condom," Michelle
said. "I looked all over the house and found nothing. Like an
idiot, I even called the liquor store. What I'm saying to you is
that I did talk to Kelly."

"Yeah, good! She told you I bought
the ticket with the winning numbers, right?"

"No."

"No? What the hell do you
mean,
no
?"

"No, I'm sorry. Kelly even said
there wasn't a jackpot. Couple million, normal amount and such, but
nothing in the range like the one you were spouting about. She said
that you came in to buy your beer like you always do, and then you
sort of zoned out at the register."

"Bullshit, she's
lying!"

"Why would she lie? She called
your name a few times until you snapped out of it and paid for the
beer. So you see, there never was a mega millions jackpot
ticket."

"Nope," Josh said. "I bought it,
then went to work and everyone there was talking about it. Call Dan
Guntherson. Go on, call him, he'll tell you."

"I spoke to Dan Guntherson, too,"
Michelle said.

"And?"

"And he told me you came to work
acting strange. Everyone was talking about the circus coming to
town, then out of the blue you turned pale and ran to the bathroom.
He said you were up to something weird in there. When I pressed him
on what you were doing, he got embarrassed and wouldn't
say."

Josh's face turned bright red. "I
was on the phone with the lotto people!"

"Yeah, okay, Josh. If you say
so."

"I was!"

"Then one of your co-workers said
that you burst out of the bathroom and knocked Dan Guntherson over
before running out of the building like a lunatic? Do I have that
part right?"

"Yeah, well…." Josh stared at his
hands. He shook his head and muttered, "It happened like that, but
that's not how it happened. Christ, Shelly, you're making me sound
nuts."

Michelle shrugged and raised her
palms. "Listen to yourself. The doctors say they won't let you out
until you admit the 999 million was all in your
imagination."

"I can't do that."

"You had a breakdown. It happens
to people sometimes. Don't be ashamed."

"I'll never admit to a lie! I won!
I'm a goddamn millionaire!"

Michelle patted his hand and
smiled reassuringly. "I know you won't say it was in your head but
that means they won't let you out."

"But I hate it here," Josh whined.
"I don't feel safe around all of these crazy assholes."

"It's perfectly safe. They haven't
had an incident since that murder-suicide mess."

"What!" Josh nearly fell out of
his chair.

"Oh, relax." Michelle waved her
hand dismissively. "Happened years ago. This bunch isn't nearly as
psychotic as those ones were, as far as I know." She smiled and
added, "Well, you might wanna watch out for that guy over there in
the corner. He looks mean."

"Oh god, I want to go
home."

"I'm kidding. But let's be honest
here…. If they let you out, all you'll do is search for a ticket
that doesn't exist. That isn't going to help anything. At least
here you can get the care you need."

"Would you please tell Dan
Guntherson and Kelly to visit me so I can hear this directly from
them? I think that would help."

"Would that I could," Michelle
said sounding disappointed. "Two weeks after you arrived her,
someone bought out the company. They moved the business to India.
They offered all current employees a huge raise if they agreed to
relocate to the new Mumbai headquarters. Dan Guntherson and the
rest of them are all gone."

"And Kelly from the liquor store?
Could she come see me?"

"Gone too," Michelle said.
"Believe it or not, Dan Guntherson hired her to fill your position
when it became clear you weren't getting out any time
soon."

Josh slouched in his seat. "I got
fired?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"And she got the raise that should
have been mine?"

"Mmmhmm, moved right along with
the rest of them."

"Perfect. Just friggin' perfect.
Those ungrateful a-holes." Josh slapped his hands to his face. "I'm
sorry, Shelly."

"For what?"

"If this hadn't happened…if I
hadn't had a breakdown…I would've gotten that job. We could've
moved overseas. I know you would've loved that."

"I'm not mad. None of this was
your fault."

"But—"

"Really, it's all right,
sweetheart." Michelle patted Josh's hand. "All I want is for you to
work on getting better. Can you do that for me?"

"But I'm stuck in here for God
knows how long."

Michelle smiled. "Listen, I've
been working with the new doctor. I think we found a way to make
your time a little more enjoyable."

"How? I'm in a mental institution
if you haven't noticed."

"Well, for starters, all of your
office friends contributed to your get-well-soon fund. I used the
money to buy you a nice recliner, feature-packed with a built-in
heat and massage. You're gonna love it."

"Really?"

"Yes. I also got you a
seventy-inch 4K television. Oh, and you'll have a section of the
activities room reserved for you, too."

"I guess that will make things a
little easier," Josh said. "But how'd you manage to reserve a
section just for me? And how are we affording all of
this?"

"That's the best part. The
institution agreed to cover the costs of your treatment as part of
my benefits package. It's a great plan."

"Oh," Josh said. "I'm surprised
they would offer that to the kitchen staff."