Melt (16 page)

Justin faced forward and flexed his already granite-hard
jaw. “How can you say that after tonight?”

Kylie inhaled sharply. She’d known what was at the root of
his sudden about-face but hearing him say it aloud sliced her open. After what
she’d witnessed at his parents, she understood his aloneness more acutely than
before. He’d exiled himself because he couldn’t stand being party to what he
suspected would again turn into an abusive situation.

And now he believed he’d somehow crossed a line and become
an abuser himself. Because of
her
.
She’d pushed him too hard, and he’d broken his own rigid moral code where she
was concerned. He didn’t see her as just some girl he’d taken home for a good
time. She was his “fragile” friend, and he’d physically caused her pain. That
she’d craved it didn’t matter.

She pressed back against the seat. Somehow the motion
reinvigorated all the pain sensors in her ass, and she cringed. “God, I’m no
better than Rob,” she whispered.

Justin grabbed the hand she’d left on his thigh. “Are you
okay?”

“No. I’m so fucking
not
okay.” She let out a brittle laugh. “You’re sitting there hating yourself because
you spanked me when I wanted it. And I’m just now realizing that Rob and I had
more in common than I thought. I kept nudging you—”

As if the console weren’t between them, he leaned across the
space and enfolded her in his arms. “Jesus, it’s not the same thing at all. Not
even close.”

Rather than fill her head with meaningless words, he just
rocked them both for what felt like hours. When he finally stilled, she knew
they’d reached a point where talking didn’t matter anyway.

He stroked her hair with his steady hand, both calming her
and driving her to despair. Every touch told her this was the beginning of
their good-bye.

She wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. She’d missed out on
so many years with him. Maybe if she’d stuck around the first time, she
could’ve helped him avoid the years of heartache he’d clearly endured. There
never would’ve been Rob, and she wouldn’t be sitting in the front seat of her
oldest friend’s Jeep crying over why she had to walk away from him because she
cared about him so damn much.

“Stop,” he soothed, rubbing his thumbs over her damp cheeks.
“It’s okay.”

“Not yet it’s not.”

He gave her a wry smile. “No. But it will be.”

She inched closer on her seat, tipping her head against his.
His breath wafted over her cheek and cooled the hot tears she couldn’t seem to
stop. Even in the freezing air of the Jeep, they burned her skin on contact.
“These days were supposed to be fun. A relaxing escape for us both. Didn’t turn
out that way, huh?”

“We had our moments.”

Hearing the smile in his voice, she eased back. His soft
mouth beckoned her to kiss him, and the curve of his lips somehow lifted her
own. “Yes, we did.” She spanned her fingers across his
stubbled
cheeks and stared into his beautiful eyes. “I couldn’t have gotten through this
without you.”

“I doubt that very much.”

“Not leaving Rob,” she added hastily, not wanting him to get
the wrong idea. Again. “But the holiday and not having anywhere to go, not
knowing where my home will be—”

He kissed her again, as light as a whisper of air passing
over her lips. “You can stay with me as long as you need.”

Looking at him was risky, but she couldn’t shut her eyes and
deny the truth. She wouldn’t do that anymore. “In the guest room.”

“I think it’s best, Kylie.” He let out a ragged breath tinged
with his regret as he put some space between them. “For both of us.”

Nodding, she laced her fingers with his and lifted them to
her mouth. “I’ll stay tonight, thank you. Tomorrow I’m going to Rob’s and
getting my stuff. And then I’m going to figure out a place to live.”

“My offer stands—”

“I know. But this is best too.”

He released another breath and tightened his fingers over
hers. “I want to go with you to Rob’s. I’m not demanding; I’m asking,” he said
when she started to object. “Not to fight with him or embarrass you. Just
because I’m your friend and I’d like to help.”

“Despite how things ended between Rob and me, I’m not
looking to create drama.”

“I understand that.” He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.
“Let me be your friend. I won’t let you down this time.”

The tears came back full force. “You never let me down. You
couldn’t.”

He didn’t reply.

Sighing, she pressed her forehead against his and held his
hand to her heart. She wondered if he could feel how fast it was beating. “It
would help a lot to have you there with me. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, measurably relaxing against her.

Until she spoke again.

“But there’s something I want too. Before you say yes or no,
I’d ask that you hear me out. As your friend,” she added carefully, even as
everything inside her railed at the inadequate descriptor of their
relationship.

“Go ahead.”

“I think maybe you should consider counseling again.” His
fingers went slack in hers, though he didn’t shove her away. “I’m thinking about
it too. Before yesterday it never occurred to me that I might need to talk to
someone about what happened with me and Rob. Not even what he asked me to do,
but who I became when I was with him. That wasn’t me. Somehow I lost myself,
and I want to get the real me back. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

“I told you I tried counseling before. It didn’t take.”

“You were a kid. You’re not a child anymore, and the choice
isn’t being made for you now. This would be about you walking in the door of
your own volition and then walking right back out if it didn’t suit.” She
cupped his cheek in her hand. “It would always be your choice.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“What if?” she countered quietly. “All you will be out is a
little time and money. And you’ll know that you need to find another option. Or
another therapist.”

His lips quirked wryly. “Jesus, the woman I fucked this
afternoon is sending me to therapy. That’s gotta be the biggest knee in the
nuts ever.”

Rather than being insulted, she chuckled. “I’m suggesting as
your friend, not as the woman you
fucked
.”
If there was a little more inflection on the last word, she couldn’t help it.

“It wasn’t just fucking.” Both his voice and his expression
softened. “You know that, Kylie.”

She exhaled an uneven breath. “I do. But it’s nice to hear
you say it.”

“I’ll say something else, then, just so we’re all clear
about stuff.”

“By all means.”

He brought her hand to his mouth and gave her fingers a
quick kiss. Even in that simple gesture she could feel his nerves, and her own
stomach knotted in anticipation of what he would say. “I’m in love with you,”
he murmured, his gaze
lasering
in on hers.

All the rest of the world fell away. She couldn’t see the
Jeep’s interior in her peripheral vision anymore. Couldn’t hear anything but
the dull roar of her own inadequacies in her ears.

Normally she espoused women being confident and extolling
their own worth, especially to men. But right now, when she was banged up from
her fall and frazzled from her crazy week, she didn’t feel like a rocking
chick. She wasn’t entirely sure she loved herself at the moment, so how could
he love her?

He smiled faintly and shook his head. “I think you looked
less sick to your stomach when you told me I needed therapy.”

Her laughter spilled out and surprised them both. She
laughed harder as he edged back with more than a little trepidation. “I’m not
going crazy, I swear. It just strikes me as hilarious that here we are, on the
verge of breaking up when we were barely even together, and you’re telling me
you love me, and I—”

“And you what?” he asked hoarsely, his focus squarely on her
face.

It would be so easy to dismiss her feelings as misguided
gratitude for his shelter and care the past couple of days, or to assume she’d
transferred them from Rob. But there hadn’t been any feelings left for her ex
to transfer, beyond the concern that came from being with a person for years.
Even those emotions were still layered under a thick coating of betrayal, since
her ex had proven himself to be a complete asshole.

No, what she felt for Justin had grown its roots before
she’d ever even met Rob. It hadn’t been love back then. Nor had she fallen for
him the moment he’d walked into her bar. The change had been insidious and as
gradual as the snow that now meandered from the slate-gray sky. First there
were a few flakes. Within several minutes the night had turned white.

“I…care about you too, Justin.” Her throat muscles seemed to
lock in place, and she had to force the words out. “A lot.”

He clamped his arms around her and hauled her against him.
The movement wedged her bruised hip against the console, and she simply didn’t
care, because his mouth was on hers and everything in her world was so right
that she wanted to scream her thanks to the gods.

When he pulled back, breathing hard, she fought not to
cling. As much as she wished circumstances were different, she understood that
their declarations—even her half-assed one—weren’t a bridge to a relationship.
At least not now. Maybe they’d find their way back to each other in time. It
was the holiday season, after all, and she still had hope.

Even if she didn’t have love.

New Year’s Eve

“Sure you don’t want to come out with us tonight?”
Luellen
, one of the other bartenders at Rough and Ready,
continued polishing the bar with the zeal of a missionary. “It’s going to be
crazy.
Ziggy
already bought the body paint.”

Kylie laughed and mopped up her own end of the bar. They’d
just hit that midafternoon lull before all the diehards wandered in for happy
hour—and beyond, considering it was New Year’s—and she was happy to be able to
escape before the madness started. She’d worked more than a few New Year’s Eves
in her day, and she didn’t mind missing one. The date she had planned with her
couch and an action movie fest suited her just fine.

“Sorry, Lu, no can do. I already bought the steak and
champagne for my solo feast at home tonight. I’m going to eat like a damn
queen—” She broke off as she glanced up at the sound of the door opening. Not a
rare event at a bar, but the man who crossed the threshold might as well have
been a damn rock star for the effect his presence had on her rocketing heart.

Justin searched the bar, his gaze drifting until it landed on
her. She had a millisecond to shore up her hasty ponytail before he strode her
way.

The chemical reaction between them was so potent Kylie
wasn’t surprised Lu chuckled under her breath and shuffled off. What
did
surprise her was that the bar didn’t
splinter from the heat of Justin’s stare.

It wasn’t the first time he’d come by since Thanksgiving.
He’d visited several times, in fact, and he’d always spent a few moments
shooting the breeze with her over his usual Harp. The interactions had been
friendly and easy, despite that mad fluttering thing that tended to happen in
her belly whenever he was within shouting distance.

But the look on his face now…there wasn’t anything friendly
about it.

Before he could order, she was pulling his Harp. She set it
in front of him and took an extra moment to straighten the coaster beneath his
glass. “Happy New Year’s, Justin.”

He smiled and slid two brightly colored envelopes toward
her. “Christmas and New Year’s,” he explained before taking the first sip. “I
missed Christmas.”

Warmth spread under her breastbone as she thumbed open the
first envelope. “It’s okay. I figured you were busy.”

In truth, she’d figured he’d moved on. Love was a fleeting,
fickle bitch, and she didn’t often abide a vacuum. Or holidays spent alone.

“I was out of town actually but not too busy. I just lost
track of time, and I wanted to give you them in person. The post office’s a
racket.”

She giggled and tugged out the Christmas card. It was the
typical Justin-style potty humor, complete with a reindeer with big fake
breasts and light-up red bulbs where the nipples should be. The New Year’s card
was more of the same.

They’d both be hung up in her apartment before the night was
through.

“Thank you. I love them.” Going with impulse, she leaned
across the bar and planted a kiss on his smooth-shaven cheek. She mistakenly
inhaled a whiff of his spicy soap and nearly purred. “I hope you had a nice
Christmas,” she added as she slipped back.

“It wasn’t bad. I spent it with my aunt and uncle in Canton.
It had been a few years since I’d seen them and…and you really don’t care about
any of this, do you?”

“Of course I do.” She bobbed her head like the marionette
she felt like she’d become.

Had he gained more muscles since she’d seen him last? His
chest and stomach looked even more defined through his Henley shirt. Unless her
hormone-addled brain was filling in details yet again.

His smile lit through her like a sparkler. “You’ve never
been a good liar, Fish.”

“Busted.”

“So what do you care about, if not Christmases spent with
the family?”

Something about the challenge in his blue eyes made her
bold. Plus it was New Year’s Eve, a night meant for risks. Even so, she
shouldn’t blur the lines. They’d done well for the last month, talking like
friends and not pushing their luck. She’d found a therapist she thought she
might like, and from what Justin had told her, he was seeing a counselor of his
own. They hadn’t delved into any of that, because casual pals wouldn’t.

But former lovers who happened to be in
lo
—to
have feelings for each other should. Absolutely.