Memoirs of a Girl Wolf (21 page)

“I can be trusted. I’m loyal to him,” Phoenix said, firmly.

“Why?” I asked, eager to know more about the man I owed this gene too.

Mom turned her attention to the glass doors where she stared wearily at the sky. “It’s going to be dark soon,” she said.

Phoenix shook his head. “Where should I start?” he asked, relaxing a little as the tension was dissipating between everyone.

“The beginning,” I said.

He cleared his throat and began, “Well, you’re a wolf. Our ancient ancestors were women-some believe we originated from Amazon warriors who when threatened became so overwhelmed with fury that they channeled their aggression into a wolf state. Others believe we originated from a woman who wronged by her lover who exchanged her soul for the body of a wolf to spend the rest of her life in the animalistic, savage state that her love had left her heart in. What is known for sure is that we originated from women. For some time the gene was only awakened in females, but over time with evolution and gene mutations the gene became dominant in both genders. There’s always a chance the gene won’t be passed down which is why before one is mentored it is necessary to make sure they need mentoring. That’s why I waited to confront you. Your mother seems to think she can control you by keeping you locked up this is not what we as wolves want. For many generations we have fought and worked toward the ability to have control over ourselves in both the human and animal state. Our ancestors did not have control. They were dangerous. We have a choice now. You can control this. Right now you are unpredictable, you experience black outs, but with my help you gain consciousness as a wolf. Once you gain consciousness, you can control your ability to transform at any moment you won’t be dictated by night or day.”

“But Mom said whenever the moon is out . . .” I started to say.

“No, no it has nothing to do with the moon. Right now you are at the beginning of your transformation. Right now you can only turn after the sun has set, but it’s not the moon that changes you, but your emotion. It goes back to our ancient ancestors when you are angered, when you experience a hint of fury, your body transforms.”

Like the night of my birthday when Max made me so mad and I ran off into the woods and the night mom shot me with the tranquilizer gun, also Max’s doing, both times I had been overwhelmed with emotion. But that also meant Mom had been locking me for months and most of those nights I probably hadn’t even changed.

“So I’ll just not get angry,” I said, shrugging.

“Not that simple. You probably noticed you’re more emotional. A simple thing that annoys you normally could escalate quickly into rage. Your molecules are all messed up right now and spontaneous. Training, will help. I’m here to teach you.”

“No, it’s too dangerous. I don’t like it,” Mom said. She turned to me and took my hand. “We have a fine routine. Don’t we? I keep you safe.”

“Safe? You do realize as time moves forward she will get stronger and if she doesn’t learn to control it, her emotions will becomes more spontaneous. It’s more dangerous to do nothing,” Phoenix said, staring at Mom coldly.

“Dangerous? Like how?” I asked. My stomach was tying in knots. I really did not like this conversation. I wanted Phoenix to leave and go back to the woods and I wanted to return to the life I thought I had up to yesterday.

“Mickey, you could get lost,” Mom said.

I looked to Phoenix for an explanation.

He rubbed his upper arm as he lowered his head and voice to explain. His tone was heavier and darker and it scared me slightly. “Some can become trapped as a wolf. Morality becomes blurred. You forget what being human is like. You can’t distinguish between right and wrong. You lose your soul and return to an animalistic state. It’s nearly impossible to return from. You’ve probably experienced some changes that you’ve noticed. Your senses are heightened, your speed, your ability to heal, feel, your strength all this is because of the Morphic gene and with how great you may feel now just imagine that feeling times ten which is how you will feel in the right form, as a wolf. Some become addicted to this feeling and remain for too long in their animal state, but that’s all the more reason for you to learn how to control it.”

“She’s not able. She’s not strong enough especially so new. What if on the first time she gains consciousness she can’t get out,” Mom said, almost pleading for him to understand.

“Mom, it’s not your choice,” I said, repeating Viktor’s words. “It’s my body. It’s my burden.”

Phoenix laughed. “It’s not a burden. It’s a gift. You come from a long line of powerful people and you’re a girl.”

“So?” I said, taking some offense. Was he insulting me?
              “Female wolves are stronger in every way. They grow to be extremely powerful unlike us gene mutations,” Phoenix said patting his chest. “The gene was never meant for dudes, but biology,” he added, shrugging.

Mom didn’t find anything about what he said funny. She communicated with her stare, just as cold as his moments before when he looked at her, that she wanted him to leave. He was messing up her plan, but I had to agree with him that Mom’s plan was never a very smart one. I knew she was only worried for me. I could feel her heart in my heart and it was overwhelming. I didn’t like this empath ability. It not only felt like I was invading personal boundaries, but also to feel someone else’s feelings as well as my own left me feeling dizzy and overwhelmed.

Mom turned to me again. She pressed my hand in between her small, freckled hands. She looked at me with her watery blue eyes; blinking slowly to prevent herself from crying. Her eyebrows lowered as did the corners of her lips.

“What’s your choice?” she asked, slowly.

My voice caught in my throat. I don’t know, I thought. I had just made a big deal that it was my choice in order for Mom to stop talking, but I hadn’t given any thought during the conversation what I wanted my choice to be. What Phoenix had to say scared me, but what Mom was doing scared me too. Mom clearly wanted to keep doing things her way and she also did not like this stranger in black jeans, and blue shirt, and shaggy black hair, and deep green yellow eyes who swore he could be trusted. There was something so unfriendly and uninviting about him. He was cocky and rude to Mom, but when he talked to me his exterior melted a little, just a little, and when his eyes looked into mine I felt a pleading urgency about him, but why? Was he just really loyal to Viktor or did he want something from me? He seemed like a person who may be conning me for his benefit. I didn’t know him well enough yet, obviously, but there was something about him that made me keep my guard up, and I’m sure Mom saw it too which was why she did her best to protect me and keep me from him.

“I have to think about it,” I said, finally.

Mom breathed a grateful sigh while Phoenix spun around, groaning. Shaking his head he glared at Mom. “You are not capable of stopping this. Viktor won’t be happy, if I’m unsuccessful in training her,” he said.

“You let me handle Viktor. It’s her choice and I’m close to finding a cure. I know I am. I’ll keep looking until I do find one, baby,” she said to me as she stroked the ends of my long hair.

“A cure?” Phoenix said with disgust. “We’re not sick. It’s a disease or illness. It’s nothing that needs to be cured. This is just who we are. We were born this way. This is our destiny. You’re cheating her of her destiny, Erin.”

“Mrs. White,” Mom corrected him. She stood from the couch and walked back over to the French doors where she opened the one on the right. “Good talking to you, Lynx.”

“Phoenix,” he corrected her, walking past her. At the door, before walking out onto the deck he turned his toward me and snarled, “Enjoy your cage.”

He disappeared from my view and Mom shut the door. I waited for her to lock the doors and turn back toward me before complaining, “Really, Mom? Did you have to mess up his name like that?”

“What?”

“You knew his name is Phoenix,” I said.

“Oh, all right. He’ll get over it. Too bad he has such a sour personality. He’s cute, you know, he looks like John Stamos.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Uncle Jesse from “Full House”.”

I shook my head, irritated. I never got Mom’s references. I started to leave the room, but Mom stopped me. She looked up at me with a serious expression on her round face.

“Mickey, I truly am sorry. I love you and I only lock you in there because . . .”

“I know, Mom. Do you talk to Viktor a lot?” The abrupt reveal of my father who had for so long been nothing more than a figment of a time long ago, a story, or myth even was odd for me. The fact that he and Mom still talked was odder. I felt overall just betrayed on so many levels. He had sent someone instead of coming himself for reasons Mom and Phoenix knew, but decided I couldn’t know, but at the same time I’m glad he sent someone in his place. I would rather, if I decide to be, trained by Phoenix than the man that was supposed to be my dad. 

“Not as much as I wish we could. I wish he could be a part of your life. I wish I could see him more than I get to” Mom’s soft voice rattled me from my thoughts.

“See him?” I was floored. Mom didn’t just talk to him on the phone, but she had seen him since he left twelve years ago?

“Well, when I go out of town for work sometimes I’m really meeting up with him. It’s too dangerous to bring you kids and I hate that—I hate that I can’t be with my husband and you can’t have a father the way you deserve to and that’s why I want you to be normal, so that you can go on to college, and marry, and have kids, and not ever have to feel the pangs and heart break of leaving your loved ones. Because it is hard on me and I know it’s tough for you kids even if you don’t remember him, but it’s just as hard for him to not be able to be with us,” Mom said, sighing.

I knew I should be angry with her for lying, but I was so grateful for her new transparency that I wanted to know more before she closed herself off again so I asked, “When was the last time you saw him?”

“August. Before your birthday. I almost didn’t meet him. He had upset me a week before. He’s mad that I’ve been trying to find a cure and you know we don’t agree on some parenting stuff.” Mom laughed a little.

A week before? I remembered back to the day I came home from Sydney’s party and she had been on the phone crying. She must have been talking to Viktor. Putting all these missing, confused pieces together shed light into my past and my life and even though the betrayal was fresh, having the missing pieces did make me feel lighter and reinvigorated.

We were interrupted by Josh who asked about dinner and Mom shooed him away by telling him to go to the kitchen and get the chicken out of the fridge for her.

Before leaving her bedroom she lowered her voice and reminded me that in a few minutes it would be dark. She didn’t have to say what she meant. I knew this was my choice for the time being and she at least was going to give me the respect of locking myself up.

“I’m hungry though,” I said, clutching my stomach. Now that I thought of it I hadn’t really eaten all day.

“I’ll bring you something. Why don’t you go on up. Just in case.” She sounded nervous and her eyes darted all over my face as if she expected me to change in that moment.

I nodded. I trusted she would. If I didn’t change tonight I’d be up for hours, alone, in that room again and without the tea that drugged me and helped me sleep, I could have another night of restless dreams.

“Could you bring a pillow too?” I asked.

“Oh, I have tried that before but you ripped it up into shreds and it was a new one I had bought to replace the other one that was ripped into shreds because of your party.”

“The tea then. Could you make me some of the tea?”

“Really? Why?”

“I want to at least sleep. If I have to be in there,” I said then left her room. She followed behind me, but went to the kitchen where I heard her scold Josh for not getting out the chicken like she had asked. I trudged up the stairs and to my room where I changed into flannel pajamas and then walked down the narrow hall toward the attic. When I passed my brother’s room I remembered I hadn’t even checked in on Eric. Their bedroom door was open. He was in bed with his arm in a white cast propped up on pillows. He watched a movie on a little television on top of the oak dresser her shared with Josh. So engrossed in the movie, he didn’t bother to acknowledge me when I said his name. I walked up to him and kissed his forehead, mumbled appreciation that he was okay, and then found a teal sharpie on the desk next to the bed and signed my name on his cast next to Mom and Josh’s signature.

I said goodnight to him and left. Within minutes I was in the attic pushing back the bookshelf with no hesitation or struggle and opened the door just as easily even though I had seen Mom struggle with it the night before. I guessed this was the strength Phoenix had alluded to in his speech about my heightened abilities.

Sighing, I stepped into the little room. The light above flickered on and swung back and forth. I shut the door and then sat on the tile floor in the center. I reached for the chains, and though the silver singed my skin I fastened them around my ankles. The act was degrading and humiliating. I thought only of how I had made a mistake and questioned if I should throw the chains off and run into the woods after Phoenix? But then Mom appeared opening the door and bringing me a plate of rotisserie chicken and peas and a brownie. She set it on the floor next to me and stepped back, rubbing her elbows, and looking at me apologetically.