Memories (25 page)

 Michael plopped down on the sofa beside her and let out a relieved sigh. "I'm afraid if I say the wrong thing, you'll leave," he told her honestly.

 She turned to face him, placing her hand over his. "Why did you ask me to come here? It wasn't to see a movie and stuff myself with popcorn." He smiled at this. "You had a reason, I'm sure."

 Michael turned his hand in hers and entwined her fingers with his. Just her touch calmed him. It was warm and familiar, like all his memories of her.

 "You know me too well," he told her, as his thumb rubbed gently over her own.

 "I've known you too long not to," she teased him.

 "Yeah, but you know what? I like that. I like the fact that you know me so well. I like that we have a past together, that we share the same memories. I like the familiarity of it all." He stopped a moment, collecting his thoughts, both of them quiet as the music played softly in the background.

 "You know, I thought about you so often as I sat there at Vanessa's bedside, waiting. Whenever things got tense, you were the only person I could think of that I wanted to talk to. But then I'd tell myself that it wasn't fair to drag you into it. I'd hurt you so much already, how could I ask you to come and share this pain, too?" His grip on her hand tightened a little and she could almost feel his pain. She wanted to tell him she would have come if only he'd called, but then she remembered that he had called, once, and she had rejected him. Guilt kept her silent.

 "I was at my worst when I learned about the vet meetings that were being held at the hospital. I decided to go, or else go crazy. And you know what, it really helped. Talking with the other vets who have been through what I have has helped me a lot. The nightmares come less often and they helped me face Vanessa's death."

 "Cathy told me you were going to those. I was really glad to hear it," Dani told him.

 "You were right, as usual," he said, smiling. "Years ago you told me to get help, but I was too pig-headed to do it. Actually, remembering what you told me years ago helped me decide to go after all."

 Dani looked him straight in the eye. "It has nothing to do with me," she told him firmly. "It was you. You alone. Only you deserve the credit."

 Michael looked at her a moment. "You know, that's exactly what Kevin told me when Vanessa died. I felt as if my only reason for living had been for Vanessa. I had put my own life aside to build a life for her. And when she was gone," he stopped a moment. Dani could see the pain still etched in his face and her heart ached for him.

 "Well," he continued, "he told me I had to start living for myself. For all the things I had been and for all the things ahead of me. I've thought about that a lot over the months, especially the part about making a future."

 Michael stopped again and Dani found herself staring into the depths of his gray eyes. What she saw in them startled her. There was a time when she thought of those eyes as cold steel, menacing and calculating. Yet, the warmth and tenderness he was feeling at that very moment shined through to her. Was he thinking of a future with her? And if he asked, how would she answer?

 Michael spoke again, breaking her thoughts. "But first, I have to work on some of my past, before I can plan a solid future," he told her quietly. "There are some things I'd like to do to begin facing my Vietnam past. I'm even considering a trip back there to see it as it is today."

 Dani's eyes opened wide. "Really?" she asked, amazed at this revelation. "I can't even imagine what that would be like for you," she said honestly.

 "I know. I can't either. But that's a long time from now. The first place I want to go to is a lot closer to home. The other vets tell me that a visit to The Wall helps them face the past. So, I was thinking, if you don't mind, oh Hell!" he slammed his fist on his knee, angry at himself for being so afraid to ask. He sounded like a teenager asking her to go to the prom. "Will you go with me to The Wall tomorrow?"

 Dani knew what he meant by The Wall without having to ask and she realized just how important a visit there would be. "Of course I'll go with you," she told him gently. "I'm so happy that you want to take me with you."

 He breathed a sigh of relief. He was so afraid she'd think he was using her again for his own emotional purposes. "Thank you, Dani," he said softly. "I was afraid to go alone, and you were the only person I thought of that I could go with. You always seem to understand that part of my life better than anyone else."

 Dani only nodded her understanding. Looking at her then, her eyes soft and inviting, her skin and hair aglow in the firelight, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her close. It took every bit of restraint he could muster not to.

 "Well, it's getting late. I'll walk upstairs with you," he offered.

 She watched him turn off the gas for the fireplace, then the stereo and lamps, and then together they made their way up the staircase, side by side. When they got to her room, they paused a moment, staring at each other.

 "Can you be ready to leave by nine?" he asked her.

 "I'll be ready."

 He reached up his hand and gently touched the side of her face. Instinctively, she lifted her hand and placed it over his.

 "Thanks for listening to me rattle on down there," he told her.

 She smiled back at him in answer.

 Then with a soft brush of his lips against hers, he said good-night and walked across the hall to his own room. As Dani turned the knob on her door, she allowed herself one last look in his direction and saw him looking at her, too, and for the briefest second she wished he'd come back to her. But he only smiled, then disappeared into his own room as she did the same.

Chapter Thirty

 Dani awoke early the next morning, showered in her yellow bathroom and chose a pair of gray slacks and a matching gray cashmere sweater to wear. She tied a flowered silk scarf loosely around her neck to add a splash of color and left her hair down.

 She knew it would be cold today, even though the sun was trying to stretch its rays through the floating clouds, so she reached into the closet to get her short, black wool coat. But when her hand brushed up against the bag containing the red coat, she stopped and reconsidered a moment. She had brought the coat on a whim, not even knowing if she'd have the nerve to wear it. Would it be appropriate to wear it on such a serious day as today? After a moment's hesitation, she opened the bag and took out the coat. Slinging it over her arm, she walked briskly out the door before she could change her mind. She knew seeing the coat on her would make Miguel happy, and he needed a boost like that today.

 She made her way down the stairs and as soon as she reached the bottom, she saw Miguel walking down the hall from the breakfast room.

 "Good morning," he said, smiling at her. He was wearing a green jacquard sweater and khaki slacks, looking casual and comfortable, except for the somber look in his eyes.

 "You look great, as usual. Would you like something to eat before we go?"

 Dani shook her head. "No thanks, I'm not very hungry right now."

 "Okay. Well, we might as well get going then."

 Dani slipped on her coat as Michael reached into the hall closet for his own. When he turned around, his dark eyes brightened in surprise.

 "You bought the coat!" he said, noting the enamel pin on the lapel, too, but not mentioning it. "It looks great on you, just like I said it did." He looked thoroughly pleased that she had worn it, which made Dani happy that she had.

 After slipping on his own black trench coat, they made their way out the door and into his car parked right outside.

 They took the 9:45 A.M. plane out of East Hampton Airport to New York City, then the 11:00 A.M. shuttle plane into Washington National Airport. They found a cab right outside the airport terminal.

 "Where to?" the cab driver asked as Dani and Michael slid into the back seat.

 "The Wall," Michael answered quietly.

 The driver knew exactly were he meant. He'd driven hundreds of vets to The Wall in his ten years as a cab driver. He also knew enough to leave the couple in back alone with their own thoughts during the drive.

 Their trip so far had been a quiet one as both reflected on their own thoughts and feelings. Now, in the cab as they neared Constitution Avenue, Michael reached for Dani's hand and held it tight. From his firm grasp she could feel his tension. She wished there was something she could say to help calm him, but maybe just holding her hand was all he needed.

 The driver dropped them off on 23rd street near the Lincoln Memorial, just a short walk to The Wall. Michael paid him then turned to Dani, and arm in arm they made their way up the mall toward the black stone that was beckoning them.

 From a distance it looked little more than a black barrier, but the closer they came, the more impressive it became. As the couple neared The Wall, they both stopped and stared in awe at the sight before them. The tall, glossy black granite reflected everything around it, from the clouds that cluttered the sky to the Reflecting Pool that lay beyond it. It was almost as if The Wall could look deep into the heart and soul of every visitor and reflect what was within.

 After a moment of silent appreciation they continued on their way until their feet touched the stone walkway that made its journey along The Wall. They made their way down the walk, checking the directories as they passed to find the slab that contained Billy's name. Michael knew the exact date he had died, the month, day and year, even the hour. That was something one never forgets when he sees his best friend blown to pieces before his eyes. Especially when that drama is played out over and over again in his sleep.

 Dani marveled with silent reverence at the over 58,000 names of the missing or dead etched into The Wall. As they walked together, hand in hand, she noticed the many flags, POW*MIA banners, and flowers that lined the small strip of grass along the base of the wall. Simple reminders that friends, relatives, and even strangers remembered these lost lives.

 She knew the instant Michael found the right spot, for he stopped and became tense, his hand growing cold in hers. Slowly, they both scanned the strip of Wall before them in search of one solitary name among the many. It was Michael who found the name first and his eyes locked onto it like a magnet to steel.

 He slipped his hand from Dani's and walked slowly to The Wall, raising his fingertips to touch the name before him.
William J. Berry
. "Billy," he whispered, and as his fingers met the cold stone it was as if he were transported back in time. He could see it all before him in the deep reflection of the black granite. The rice fields with the dense jungle beyond, artillery fire ablaze in the background, the choppers whirling overhead and the intense smell of smoke all around. Then Billy, in fatigues, flak jacket and helmet, his gun slung casually over his shoulder, walking up to him, telling him it was okay, the wait was worth it, he was finally here. Michael bowed his head; his fingers still adhered to the stone, his shoulders shaking as tears spilled from his eyes.

 Dani watched Michael through her own tears, wanting so much to ease the intense pain she could see enveloping him. Seeing Billy's name on The Wall made everything so real, even for her. Although she had never doubted his existence or Michael's stories, seeing the name etched in stone brought the reality of Vietnam down hard. Crossing the gap between them, she slipped her arms around his waist and laid her head gently against his back as her own tears spilled on the smooth black fabric of his coat.

 They stood this way for several minutes, oblivious to all that went on around them. Once, Dani opened her eyes and her gaze rested upon a man in uniform down the length of The Wall. He stood at attention, saluting a name before him. More tears spilled down her cheeks at the sight of him, and at that same instant, she hugged Michael tighter, silently thanking God for allowing him to come home, and for not being a name etched beside the others.

 After a time, they broke away from The Wall, and, arm in arm, searched for other names Michael remembered. There was the man from the poster in his home office who was missing in action, and another who was killed only days after arriving in Nam. But they weren't really men, Michael reminded her, just boys.

 "Henry was only eighteen when he died," Michael said quietly as they stood in front of the name of the boy who had lasted only three days. "Eighteen! We were all so young!"

 As they continued down the length of wall he began talking more, easing the original tension they had both felt upon arriving. He told her a couple of funny stories about him and Billy, making her laugh at the thought of them. She couldn't imagine Michael being that young and silly, but liked the idea of it.

 By the time they had made their way completely around The Wall, Michael had shared many positive stories about the war with her. Remembering some of the good things he and his platoon had done, like the time they found the two lost children and helped them find a family member or the time they came upon a village right after the Viet Cong had burned it down and found an unconscious mother and baby there and called in a chopper to take them to a medical unit. These good memories helped to counteract the painful ones. He'd forgotten them, until now, and had only dwelled on the nightmares. It was then that he began to understand why the other vets said a visit here was important. The Wall helped you remember the whole story, not just the horror.