Memory: Book Two (Scars 2) (17 page)

I
gestured to Ewen to turn off the camera and told Ann to get up and get dressed.
She did, automatic and emotionless. “Do I still get paid?” she asked me.

“Sure,”
I muttered. “Have a drink. Help yourself.” I grabbed one of Ewen’s beers and
settled in a chair in the corner.

“You
want me to make another copy of this?” he asked.

“Yeah.”
I took a long drink of my beer. All I wanted was to get very, very drunk.

Ewen
and Ann began drinking as well. With more alcohol in her system, Ann began to
warm up to Ewen. She offered to give him a massage, even helping him remove his
shirt so he lay topless on the bed. At some stage, she removed her clothes
again as well. She straddled his back and began to knead her hands into his
shoulders in slow movements which made him groan in pleasure. She smiled and
began to work her magic down his back, kneading and pulling at his flesh and
whatever muscle she could find underneath it. Her hanging breasts flapped back
and forth as she moved, and she closed her eyes almost as if giving him this
pleasure caused something akin to joy in herself. Maybe giving massages was the
one thing that she was good at and could take pride in.

As
she treated his body like it was something to be coveted and treated with care,
she began to tell him a story. She told him about a place in her childhood, a
stream at the back of her grandparent’s property where they used to catch
trout. Her voice changed from gravelly to a lighter tone as she described
baiting hooks and waiting for hours in the peace and quiet for a fish to take
her bait. It was almost sing song how she spoke, like she was telling a fairy
tale story and Ewen listened intently. I knew what she was doing. She was
reminding him that she was a human and not just a body with magical hands.
There was something inside her that went beyond the alcohol addicted body and
whoring lifestyle.

At
some stage, as I continued to drink and watch them, she turned him over to face
her and began to kiss his neck seductively while he stroked gently at her body.
Side by side, they lay together, touching one another and exploring their less
than perfect forms. They spoke softly to one another, confiding stories and
sharing thoughts.

For
some reason I felt tears prick at my eyes. There was something sweet and
beautiful in how these two lost souls could share and find pleasure in each
other. I squeezed my eyes closed so nothing would escape from me, and that’s
how I remained until I passed out.

I
woke in the early hours of the morning when somewhere a bird chirped. Ewen and
Ann were curled together asleep, naked and in each other’s arms. A troll and a
pathetic waif.  They suited each other.

I
stood up and began to get the stuff that I had acquired on Ewen’s dollar
together in my bag. The last thing I grabbed were the two memory cards,
slipping them into envelopes and addressing them. I would send them on the way,
before I lost my nerve. Before I left, I looked again at the bed where Ewen and
Ann slept and a pang of jealousy went through me. Quietly, I closed the door
behind me, careful not to wake the sleeping couple.

It
was easy to get a ride. A guy that looked kind of like Aaron, but not as good
looking, picked me up. He had a hard body, and I used him for a few nights,
telling him that my name was Hannah. He wasn’t that satisfying though and it
wasn’t long before I moved on, using my mother’s tricks to secure man after man
for whatever amount of time I could stomach them for.

Finally,
after several months of drifting, I went home.

I
took a breath and knocked on the door, preparing myself to see her. Heavy
footsteps came down the hall before the door cracked open. It was opened by an
unshaven Todd wearing a wife beater shirt and baggy jeans and holding a beer
bottle. So he was still on the scene, she must really be in love.

He
quirked an eyebrow at the sight of me, frowning slightly. “What are you doing
here?”

“Is
my mother home?”

He
let out a bitter laugh. “She ain’t been home for a while, not for months.”

“She
left you?” I shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Guess
so,” he took a drink of beer then turned and walked down the hallway, leaving
the door ajar in what I guessed was an invitation to enter. I closed it softly
behind me as I stepped inside. The house was a mess, with pizza boxes and
bottles strewn about the place. I followed him to the kitchen in which dirty
dishes were piled in the sink. He kicked out a chair, sitting down and
stretching out his legs. “Get me another beer?”

I
paused for a moment, then held my breath as I opened the fridge, pulling out
two bottles before quickly closing it to block out the scent of the soiled food
that lay within.

I
opened the beer and passed it to him before opening my own. “Where is she?” I
asked before I took a drink of my beer. At least it was cold.

“She
took off with her boss.”

I
nearly choked. “From the car dealership? That creep?”

He
grunted. “Yeah, she used to come home every day and bitch about him, and then
one day she just ups and leaves with him. Turns out he ripped off all of his
business partners and left with a fucking fortune. Cops are after him, but
there’s been no sign of them yet.”

That
explained it; my mother was attracted to money like a magnet to metal. “They
won’t, my mom knows how to cover tracks and she’s got connections.”

He
didn’t look surprised, merely letting out a whistle. “She’s clever, that’s for
sure.”

“She’s
a heinous bitch, that’s what she is. You’re a fool for falling in love with her,”
I told him matter-of-factly before taking a drink of my beer.

He
gave a sigh. “I know. What are you doing back here, anyway?”

I
shrugged. “I don’t know.” And that was the truth, I didn’t know what I was
searching for, whatever it was, it wasn’t here.

“You
wanna crash here?” he asked, draining his beer before getting up and grabbing
another out of the fridge.

“Yeah.”

I
stayed up with him drinking. He ordered a pizza that he added to the pile of
empty boxes once we were done. Finally, he stretched and yawned, getting to his
feet. He nodded down the hall. “I’m hitting the hay. You wanna…”

I
shook my head and screwed up my face at him. “I never even found you
attractive. I was just doing it to piss her off.”

He
gave a nod, like he understood, before drunkenly stumbling down the hallway. I
sat in the dark for a while, my own head swimming from all the beer before I
retreated to my old bedroom. I had thought that she would have sold all of my
things, but it looked like nothing had been touched since my departure so long
ago.

Todd
managed to get up the next morning, he looked rough as he rubbed a hand over
his face and peered out the blinds.

“Hey,
they’re gone.”

“Who?”

He
let the blinds go. “The last month there’s been someone sitting in a car
watching the house. The guy changes all the time, so I figure it’s the
authorities looking for your Mom, waiting for her to show up so they can click
the handcuffs on her.”

“Is
that right?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah.
Weird they left when you turned up though.”

“Yeah.
Weird…”

He
left to go to work, probably still drunk. There was an air of sadness about him
that made me twitch slightly with sympathy, but then I hardened my heart. He
hadn’t yet seen the worst of what my mother had to offer. I needed to keep all
my sympathy for myself. On the kitchen counter, buried under a pile of unpaid
bills, I found the memory card that I had mailed to my mother. It had never
been opened so she must have left long before I sent it. My mouth twisted a
little at the realization that she would probably never know how I felt

I
still had my old clothes in my room. I changed into a pair of shorts, t-shirt
and some old sneakers. I didn’t need anything else. I didn’t bother to leave a
note for Todd.

It
was only a short walk to the bottom of the mountain. The day was warm and the
sun felt nice on my skin. My legs felt strong as I started up the path. Many
times I had walked up here, carrying alcohol for the party. It would always
take us forever to get there as we laughed and giggled, drinking as we went.

When
I broke out of the covered track, it didn’t surprise me to see that our old
partying spot still looked the same. Beer cans littered the scenic area and
there was broken glass scattered about. Down below the sea crashed and its
sound brought a smile to my lips.

A
chain link fence had been erected to protect drunken teenagers from falling
over the edge, but someone had cut through a corner of it to create a hole. I
squeezed my way through and carefully sat on the edge of the cliff. There was
something empowering about dangling my feet over the side like this. The merest
slip and I would fall down to meet my friends. My blood would be washed clean as
the waves swallowed up my broken bones.

I
thought about it. I seemed to have come full circle, and to go over the edge
would be the right way to go. It would be better to die by my own hand than by
that of the men that I tried to manipulate and steal from. I didn’t want to
become someone like Ann, whose specialness had long been hidden by her sadness
and lifestyle.

 But
then I closed my eyes, and remembered all the good times I had here and how
friendship had rebuilt me so that I was no longer just a pawn for my mother. I
had turned into a surly, bitchy teenager when I moved here, and I still liked
that long lost girl. Eventually, I got to my feet and returned down the
mountain.

This
became my ritual. Sometimes, I could sit there for hours. Especially when the
sun was warm on my face and the smell of salt drifted up to meet me. I would
conjure up imaginary conversations with Mara and Torrance. They were so vivid
in my mind that on occasion I would laugh out loud and doubt my own sanity.

As
dusk fell, I would return to that neglected house with a drunken and
heartbroken Todd. He was a tortured soul who would drink to the point of
throwing up and then cry himself to sleep. Once, he brought a woman home from a
bar. She was a tarty looking brunette who may have been a prostitute. He had
sex with her in the kitchen and cried out my mother’s name when he came. When
we woke up in the morning, she had stolen the TV.

“Another
bitch,” he muttered. “I always get the bitches. Your mother,
you
, and…”
he waved his cigarette holding hand around “and whatever her name was.” With
the TV gone, there was nothing left to distract him. He drank even more and I
contemplated hitting the road again. None of my living friends were here
anymore. They had all left to try for something better and, to be honest, I was
so detached from them that the idea that I could ever sit down and have a
normal conversation with them was surreal.

One
afternoon, when Todd was passed out on the couch in the living room, I went
into the room that he had shared with my mother. Her dressing table was
untouched. Her silver plated hairbrush still out and her cosmetics spread
across it as if she couldn’t decide which lipstick to wear that last morning.
The fact that she had left all these things behind meant she knew that she was
going somewhere where money would be in abundance and her lover would never
deny her anything.

I
picked up one of the bright colors and twisted the tube so the red was
revealed. I carefully circled my mouth with it so I was left with a sexy pout.
It was amazing how much it changed my appearance. Now I looked like a sex
siren. For a few moments, I made up a crazy story in my head about a haunted
lipstick that made its wearer into a cruel femme fatale who whored out her
daughter and drove men to their deaths.

Next,
I took hold of the heavy bottle of perfume that was her signature scent,
spraying it onto my neck and wrists. As the scent rose up around me, I closed
my eyes and remembered things from my childhood. They were pleasant memories of
her reading me stories at bedtime and lying with me for hours and stroking my
hair when I was sick.

When
I opened my eyes, Todd’s reflection stared back at me. I jumped in fright and
turned to face him.

“Those
are her things.”

“Were.”
I got to my feet. “They
were
her things. She’s not coming back, you
idiot. Get used to it.”

“You
look like her,” he breathed, and I hoped that he wasn’t going to cry again.

I
lifted my chin. “I know. Trust me, I’ve used it to my advantage over the years.”
I went to move past him but he shifted so he stood in front of me.

“I
love that lipstick. Could you…could you just do me a favor?” He had a begging
tone to his voice that made my heart nearly soften toward his wretchedness.

“What?”
I asked impatiently.

His
hands shook as they went to his belt buckle. “Could you just put my penis in
your mouth? Please? Just once? She used to always put her lipstick on before
she’d go down on me and, well—”

I
took a step closer to him as I swallowed down my revulsion and met his eyes.
“Let’s get this one thing straight. My mother is a whore. I, on the other hand,
am not a whore. I am not a fucking whore, I never have been. I was a victim,
but I’m not now. Get it?”

He
stepped back, nodding wordlessly, his eyes wide.

Did
I look scary? I certainly sounded terrifying. “Good.” I moved past him, leaving
him to the relics on the dressing table that he would no doubt leave in place
until his infatuation subsided, or he died of liver disease, whichever would
come first.

I
had to get away from his hero worship of her. It was sickening, and worse, it
reminded me of what I had once been like. Once I was out the front door, I took
off in a sprint, heading for the lookout. My daily walks had given my thin legs
strength and I ran up the hill with ease. I pumped my arms and sucked in the
fresh air, aching for the smell of the sea to clear my head, and the edge of
the cliff to give me options.

I
wasn’t surprised to see the dark car parked there. Nor was I surprised to see
the man dressed in black sitting on the other side of the barrier, near the
edge and facing the sea. It was like I knew that he would come eventually. I
cautiously walked toward him, approaching him like the predator that he was. He
didn’t move at all. Not even as I squeezed through the barrier and sat beside
him.

Neither
of us said anything at first. We just sat and watched a cruel sea batter the
sharp rocks as if trying to whittle them away to nothing.

“You
stalking me? Living up to your creepiness?”

He
shrugged. “Well, you did leave me for dead. It’s only fair. By the way, thanks
for the films. They really became the highlight of my week. They were sick, but
educational.” I looked hard at him. It was hard to tell if he were joking or
not.

“What
do you want, Aaron?” I asked finally. It was strange to be sitting so close to
him and not touching him; it was strange that touching him was all that I
wanted to do, in spite of everything.

“You
know what I want,” he said quietly, never moving his eyes from the ocean.

“No
I don’t. Not really. All I know is that I’m your obsession, and obsessions are
things that people normally get over eventually.”

“They
normally get over hatred as well. Have you had any luck with that lately?”

I
pressed my lips hard together before asking, “Why did you kill them?  Was it
your plan to torment me in every single facet of my life? To torment me when I
didn’t even know that you existed?”

He
shook his head. “I told you that I didn’t kill them. If Ryan told you that, then
he was just fucking with you and trying to turn you against me. When have I
ever lied to you?”

I
didn’t answer that because I couldn’t. “You slaughtered his family.”

“I
had my reasons. I didn’t do it for fun and didn’t enjoy it. It’s played over in
my mind continually over the years and I always come back to the conclusion
that I couldn’t have done anything different. Regardless, it’s nothing to do
with us. I’m sorry that you got caught up in it and got hurt because of me, but
you don’t need to think about those people or concern yourself with them.” He
grasped onto my hand, it felt secure and warm.

“I
could jump right now and take you with me,” I told him as I tightened my own
grip.

“You
could,” he agreed. “But that would be a waste. We’re young. We’re strong. We
can move on. We could have a life together.”

“What
we have isn’t life, Aaron. This is just a constant purgatory, paying for our
sins over and over again. We punish each other.”

“I
don’t see it that way. You said once that I reminded you of Janus. I looked him
up, you know, he’s the god of doorways and transition. Shouldn’t that give you
hope?” My face was still stone and he ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
“Look, you know what I am. I don’t need to lie to you about anything, and,
yeah, the things I’ve done to you are…unforgivable. But Rachel, you left me for
dead. Doesn’t that even the score?”

I
looked away, down to the waves crashing below us. “Were you in a great deal of
pain?”

“My
leg’s fucked up, and it took hours for Antony to find me. I lay there for a
long time thinking about everything that I’ve done in my life, but mostly, I
just thought about you. Every time I got an envelope from you I’d travel to the
town it was post marked to, trying to find you. I think that I knew that you’d
wind up back here eventually. You have no idea how crazy you make me.”

I
let out a small laugh, one that was genuine and free of mocking or sarcasm.
“You were crazy a long time before I came along. You can’t blame me for that.”

His
lips curved up slightly. “I told you before. I’m ruthless, even obsessive, but
I’m not insane.” He cupped my cheek gently. “What do you want me to do? What do
I have to do to make you come home?”

“Did
you kill them?” I bit out. “Did you kill my friends right here?”

He
shook his head. “No, and I’m not lying. I promise you that.”

I
reached up to cup my hand over his. “Good.” I let a few moment pass before I
managed to get out the words that had been roaming through my head.  I
swallowed. “In that case, if you find and kill my mother then I’ll come home
with you.”

He
held my gaze and I had no idea what he was thinking, until he opened his mouth
succinctly and said, “No.”

“Why
not? That’s what you do isn’t it?”

“Yes.”
His hand dropped away from my cheek and I missed it. “But I won’t do it for you
because you’d regret it later, and then you’d hate me even more.”

I
nodded. “You’re right, but I don’t know what else to do.” I put my hands on my
stomach. “It hurts. Every day it hurts to know that she doesn’t care about what
she’s done to me. I worshipped her for so long…” Sharp tears pricked at my
eyes.

He
reached over and gripped at my hands. “Then we’ll get her back another way, but
we won’t kill her.”

 I
fought back the tears. “Aaron? Did you kill your father?”

He
seemed to freeze under my touch for a moment then took a breath. “Yeah, I did.”

“Because
he beat you?” I asked softly.

He
shook his head. “No, well, maybe partly because of that. I’m not sure why
really. I found him crouched over my mother’s body, shaking and crying like the
pathetic pussy he always accused me of being. He should have been out there
avenging her death instead of hiding away and throwing a pity party. He was the
worst kind of man, only able to pick on and harass those who he thought were
lambs instead of going after the wolves. So I shot him with his own gun before
getting my crossbow and going hunting.” His lips were thin at the memory and
his eyes determined.

“What
did Ryan’s family do to yours?”

I
sucked in a breath and waited.

“His
father was this spoilt rich kid who became a survivalist and was convinced that
there was a government conspiracy to end his lifestyle. He started up a type of
commune for anti-establishment weirdos and they all worshipped him like he was
some kind of god. My family may have been religious nut jobs but they were
never as ruthless as him. The bank was about to foreclose on our land and he
offered my mother a deal. He’d pay off the overdue debt as long as she slept
with him.” Aaron let out a bitter laugh. “And my Dad knew, he just didn’t care
as long as all of his problems were taken care of. She got depressed and
eventually killed herself. She was religious, she’d probably never slept with
anyone else besides my father her whole life because she knew it would be a
sin.” His lips twisted for a second before returning to normal. “Anyway, I went
blind with rage and went to kill that weirdo freak. I tied him up and bashed
his head against a wall until he died. They came after me, and I found a hiding
spot and picked them off one by one.”

“And
then what happened?”

“I
called my uncle before I left to go on my killing spree, he tried to talk me
out of it but I didn’t listen. When he finally arrived, everyone was dead who
needed to be. He helped cover for me and that was that. The police were all too
happy to believe that it was my Dad who did it. No one really cared that they
were dead. They were just a bunch of nut jobs with weapons and everyone in the
community were wary of them.”

“Do
you regret killing your father?”

He
shrugged. “Sometimes, but I guess that I’ll see him when I go to hell.” Then he
frowned, sadness on his face. “You would’ve liked me, that kid,
before…everything.”

I
concentrated on breathing, on planning what I would say next. “Sometimes there
are parts of you that I like.”

I
saw something in his eyes then — hope. “Then come home, Rachel. There’s nothing
here for you. You belong with me. If, in the future, you decide that you need
to act on your mother to find peace, then I’ll help you. But right now, just
come back. I need my life to get back to normal, and to do that, I need you
with me.”

I
watched as he stood, clearly favoring one leg, and he held out a hand to me.
Slowly, I reached out and took it. It would have been easy to pull him down at
that moment while he balanced precariously on his good leg. I could have sent
him spiraling down onto sharp rocks, but he would have taken me with him. We
would have died together and nothing would be achieved.

So
instead, I let him pull me to my feet with his secure grip so he didn’t let go
of my hand, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted him too. “I want you, Rachel.” He
brushed hair away from my face and bent down to kiss me. His lips were
seductive as always, and I felt the familiar moistening between my legs.

When
our lips broke apart, I looked him in the eye. “Part of me wants to fuck you
right here, while the other part wants to push you over the edge.”

“Change
takes time, Rachel. If you get in that car with me right now, I’ll give you
everything that you’ve ever wanted,” he murmured. “If you don’t, well, I won’t
come after you. Not if you don’t want me to. I’ll leave you alone. But just
remember that I came for you. I’ll always come for you when you need me.”

He
let my hand fall as he looked down at me, waiting. My mind raced and a lump in
my throat formed. After a few moments of silence and inaction, he gave a
resigned sigh and stepped back. “Goodbye, Rachel.” His lips quirked slightly.
“Paige. I guess you’re Paige now.”

He
turned and bent as he went through the hole in the fence. I watched him limping
away, back to the car. There was something broken about him now, although there
always was. Only now, with that limp, it was visible on the outside. No longer
was he a less than human machine; now he was fallible and
breakable
. There
was a mortality to him that had always been close to imperceptible before. The
damage to his physical strength and perfection gave him an almost frailty,
removing the formidability and replacing it with something that could be
conquered.