Memory's Edge: Part One (20 page)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

The Same Chance

“Desi, I
can’t go out in public wearing this,” Gretchen complained.

Rolling her
eyes for what had to be the hundredth time, Desi went back to getting her own
swimsuit on. “Gretchen, you look great. Quit whining about it,” she said. “Besides,
it’s not like John hasn’t already seen more than that anyway, right?” Eyebrows
raised in a hopeful question, Desi waited for her friend to respond.

Gretchen
purposely made a point of not discussing sex with Desi. She was confident and
adventurous, everything Gretchen wasn't when it came to sex. Steve did a good
job of making sure of that. Knowing it was stupid to keep letting his skewed
opinions of her rule her life didn’t really help her ignore them. Two years of
his veiled insults were hard to forget.

“Are you
seriously not going to answer me?” Desi asked. The exasperation in her voice
was laughable.

Sighing,
Gretchen decided to quit hiding from her. “No, Desi, he hasn’t. Okay? Are you
happy? John has not seen me naked and I am incredibly nervous about him seeing
me in
this
.”

“You guys
have been living together for what, almost five months now, and you haven’t had
sex?” Desi asked. “What is wrong with you two?”

“There’s nothing
wrong with us, Desi. Not everybody is a free as you are. Some people believe in
waiting.”

“John
doesn’t believe in waiting. If he’s waiting, it’s because of you. It has to be.
What else is he going to go off of?” Desi asked.

“So what?
That means he respects my choices. I’m not ready,” Gretchen admitted.

“Why not?”
Desi asked. “And if you say Steve, I’m going to throw you into the hallway
without your bikini. You can’t use Steve as a crutch for the rest of your life,
Gretchen. You have to get over it.”

“It’s not
just Steve. It’s John, too.”

Tying her
hair up into a bun, Desi turned to consider Gretchen. “What do you mean?” she
asked. “John doesn’t treat you like Steve. At least it doesn’t seem that way.”
Gretchen could see the questions and concerns forming in her eyes.

“No, Desi,
that’s not what I mean.” Gretchen wasn’t even sure she knew what she meant.
“There’s still a chance that John will get his memory back. So far he hasn’t
said anything about remembering things, but there are times when he gets really
quiet, like he isn’t there anymore. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking
about.

“He says
he’s given up on ever finding out who he used to be, and he gets mad every time
I bring it up now, but can someone really ever give up on something like that?
I think he still misses the people he used to know. And sometimes he seems
angry at them for not finding him. It makes me afraid to take things any
further with him.”

“Gretchen,
it’s probably going to take John a long time to truly let go of his past, but
that doesn’t mean he should have to wait for his future,” Desi said. Crossing
the room, she hugged Gretchen. “Look, I’m not saying you should sleep with him
tonight, that’s for the two of you to decide, but I think you’re just going to
push him away if he feels like he has to prove he has no interest in who he
was.”

Grabbing a
pair of towels off the bed, Desi handed one to Gretchen. “You can’t expect John
to totally dismiss his feelings about his old life when you can’t do the same
thing when it comes to Steve. John’s a good guy. The fact that he hasn’t
pressured you shows he respects your feelings. You need to give him the same
chance.”

Leaving it
at that, Desi opened the door and stepped out, her towel over her arm as she
walked confidently down the hall in her bikini and flip flops. Gretchen carried
her friend’s words with her as she wrapped her towel around her body and
scurried after her. For all Desi’s brazen attitudes, she was still an artist at
heart, deep and thoughtful…and probably right.

***

Peeking
through the glass door that led out to the pool, Gretchen saw Jake and John
sitting at one of the tables. They appeared to be getting along pretty well
despite the fact that they had almost nothing in common. Maybe Jake would keep
John distracted long enough for her to get in the pool without him really
seeing her bare skin.

“Out you
go, Gigi-girl,” Desi said as she pushed Gretchen through the door. Desi knew
how much Gretchen hated that name, but she just smiled winningly as she glided
past her friend. She immediately caught Jake’s attention who took Desi in with
a playful grin. To John’s credit, he immediately turned to look for Gretchen.

Tossing her
towel down on the lounge chair next to the pool, Desi didn’t see Jake creep out
of his chair and sneak up behind her. In one smooth motion, Jake swept her into
his arms and cannon-balled into the pool. Desi screeched as they flew, but came
up laughing. Gretchen shook her head at them and noticed John walking over to
her.

Gretchen’s
heart leapt into her throat as he approached. She still had her towel wrapped
tightly around her body, but he didn’t comment on it. “So,” he said, “do you
want me to throw you in, too?”

“I think
I’ll pass,” she said.

John
grinned. “Thank goodness. I don’t think I could manage anything as spectacular
as that. Jake is a maniac.”

“He’s
probably just got a lot of pent up energy after spending all day in museums and
art galleries,” Gretchen said.

“What about
you?” John asked. “Are you going to get in the pool or just stand her in your
towel all night?”

Gretchen
closed her eyes. It was finally that time. Those last two years of college when
she was with Steve, she had worked out at the gym every day to keep him happy,
but it was never enough. Every time she put on a swimming suit he had a few
suggestions on what she should work on a little harder at the gym. John wasn't
Steve. Opening her eyes, Gretchen nodded that she was ready, but she couldn’t
seem to get her fingers to undo the towel.

John made
it a little easier. Running his finger across the top of her towel, he found
the spot where Gretchen had tucked in the corner to keep it tight. His fingers
touched her bare skin as he untucked the corner, making her shiver in the warm
summer air. John paused for a second then let the towel fall away from her as
his hands slid down to her waist.

Gretchen
couldn’t help it, her eyes closed in fear of seeing the same look of
disappointment Steve had always worn. Trailing an icy tingle, John’s fingers
moved down to Gretchen’s hips and pulled her against him. He leaned closer to
Gretchen and whispered, “You look beautiful.”

His cheek
brushed against her face as he brought his lips to hers. His kiss was soft and
tender in the face of how tightly he was holding her. Looking up at him,
Gretchen met his eyes and saw nothing of Steve in them. Love and desire filled
him and washed over onto her. Gretchen would have preferred to give up on
swimming and just stay in his arms, but a massive splash from Desi and Jake
eventually broke them up and got them into the pool.

When they
finally exhausted themselves, Gretchen had no more suggestions to do something
else to keep her from having to face getting ready for bed with John. She
simply let him lead her back to their room knowing she had to trust him. It was
quiet as they both brushed their teeth and changed. Silence filled every square
inch when she laid down in bed and felt John slip in next to her. One arm slid
under Gretchen’s head and the other wrapped around her waist, pulling her body
tight against his. Then he held her, and let her fall asleep in his arms.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Surprises

Neither of
them really had the chance to notice when the high desert winds grew colder. It
was one small change in the midst of their busy lives. A week into the new
school year, one of Gretchen’s coworkers was diagnosed with cancer, leaving the
rest of the staff to take over as much of her duties as they could. Gretchen
was asked to lead her
Gifted
class two evenings a
week, as well as take on mentoring a few of the at-risk students she had been
working with. Barely making it through the first semester had Gretchen hoping
the next one would be better.

All of that
added to John’s growing catering business, which kept him busy most weekends,
gave the two of them little time for anything else. John’s business was legally
registered under Gretchen’s name since he couldn’t get a business license on
his own, but she had virtually nothing to do with it aside from taste-testing
his recipes. Which she loved
doing.

The
holidays flew past, barely giving them any break at all. Thanksgiving and
Christmas gave Gretchen some time off, but John was twice as busy. They spent
Thanksgiving with Carl, Desi, and Jake, but managed to sneak away for a few
days to spend Christmas with her family. Even Millie and her husband made the
trip home to meet John. It felt good to go back to her little hometown outside
of Denver, but it didn’t feel like home to Gretchen anymore. Home was in New
Mexico with John.

Along with
the changes in their jobs, their relationship had been changing as well.
Gretchen found herself thinking less and less about how Steve used to treat her
and more about what she and John would be doing over the next few years. The
topic of John’s past rarely came up anymore, but she still found him sitting
quietly, thinking about…something, often enough. She didn’t know what to make
of his occasional silences, but she trusted that in time he would either tell
her what was bothering him or work through his thoughts on his own.

Finishing
the front yard before school started was a feat that forced John to swallow his
pride and ask Carl for help, but they had put on the finishing touches just in
time. They already had plans for redoing the landscaping in the backyard when
summer arrived. The den had turned into John’s office and was filled with
carefully organized stacks of cookbooks containing his recipes. The spiral
notebook Gretchen had given him in the hospital sat in the middle of his desk.
It was completely filled with recipes, but it seemed to hold a place of honor
there. John’s bedroom slowly became simply a place for his clothes as he spent
more nights with Gretchen.

One thing
that hadn’t changed between them, though, was sex. While Gretchen grew more
comfortable with the idea as she put aside her insecurities, John continued to
hold back. When they kissed, she could see the desire in his eyes, feel it
emanating from him, but he always pulled back before things went very far.
Gretchen had considered asking him if something was wrong a hundred times, but
she never seemed to be able to get the words out.

He had
given Gretchen the space she needed to deal with her fears for so long, she had
to do the same for him. She tried to trust he would open up to her about
whatever was worrying him, but when she saw him staring into empty space, alone
with his thoughts, she worried something was wrong. Something about the way he
was acting made her feel as though his holding back had nothing to do with her.
She had no idea what else it would be about.

Then at
other times, there wasn't even a hint of something troubling him. John would go
weeks without looking gloomy at all. They would dance to the radio and snuggle
up on the couch to watch a movie, or simply lay with each other on the grass in
the backyard under the honeysuckle vines John had insisted on planting because
they reminded him of her. Those were the days Gretchen felt life couldn’t
possibly get any better for the two of them. They were happy and in love, and
she felt confident that would be enough to get them through anything else that
came their way.

Coming home
from work on a Friday afternoon in January, Gretchen pulled up to the house and
forced herself to push away her brooding thoughts. John wasn’t working over the
weekend, which was a rare enough event to call it a special occasion, and she
wanted to enjoy their time together. She walked through the door to find John
waiting for her as usual. She dropped her bag as he leaned in for a kiss.
Gretchen stayed in his arms a few extra seconds, letting his affection revive
her after a long day. She honestly didn’t know how she would have survived the
work week without John in her life.

“Hey,
beautiful,” John said cheerfully when they finally separated, “you want to go
out to La Plata Canyon tomorrow for a hike?”

“In the
snow?” she asked.

“Jake lent
me a couple pairs of snowshoes. He said the canyon is beautiful in the winter.”

Hiking in
the snow was nothing new to Gretchen, being from Colorado, but she was
surprised John wanted to go.

“I thought
you would want to relax and hang around here this weekend. It’s the first
weekend you haven’t worked in quite a while,” she said.

Grinning
conspiratorially, John pulled Gretchen’s beanie off her head and tossed it onto
one of the coat hooks. “I just feel like getting away from the kitchen, I
guess.”

“Okay, if
you want to go snowshoeing, then we’ll go. It’s actually a lot of fun.” Well,
not everybody thought so, like Gretchen’s mom, but Gretchen certainly did.

John lifted
her off the ground in a hug and kissed Gretchen again. No, she definitely
couldn’t survive even a single day without him. His kisses melted away every
care she had, plus he smelled like cinnamon rolls. Gretchen’s mouth watered at
the scent. She loved John’s cinnamon rolls. They weren’t as good as his
blueberry muffins, of course, but they were a close second.

“What has
gotten into you?” Gretchen asked, laughing as he swept her up into his arms and
plopped onto the couch with her. “You’re awfully chipper this afternoon. I
would never be able to guess you didn’t get back until one o’clock last night
from that birthday party you catered if I hadn’t been the one waiting up for
you.”

“Waiting up
for me?” John teased. “I came home to find you asleep on the couch with your
hand in a bowl of popcorn. I’d hardly call that waiting up.”

“Yeah,
well, I don’t get to sleep in every morning like you do.” Gretchen punctuated
that with a kiss before rolling off his lap to reach for the TV remote on the
coffee table. She switched it from the cooking channel to the science channel
and turned back to John. “There’s going to be a ton of snow in the canyon. I
wonder if we’ll be able to get up to the lake with the snowshoes.”

“Jake
seemed to think we could. He said he went up last year in January and made it
to the top of Kennebec Pass,” John said.

“I hope so.
I’ve heard it’s beautiful in the snow. We’re supposed to get some snow here next
week,” she said. Thinking of the cold seemed to make her more sensitive to the
small drafts that blew through the old house. “Have you seen my sweater?”

“Yeah,”
John said, his smile growing suspiciously big, “it’s by the side of the couch.”

She reached
over the arm of the couch to grab it, expecting some kind of trick or surprise,
but she saw only the big sweater that used to be John’s lying on top of the
basket of throw blankets. Picking it up, she looked back at John questioningly.
He tried to smother his smile, but failed miserably. Every time Gretchen looked
over at him he was eyeing her like he knew something she didn’t.

“What’s
going on with you today? You’re starting to creep me out,” she said. He was
being really weird. He never acted like that. Pranks and surprises really
weren’t his style. Desi and Jake, absolutely, but not John.

“Nothing,”
he insisted. “I’m just excited to go hiking tomorrow. We never got to go up to
the lake over the summer like you wanted to.”

Gretchen
raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you planning? You’ve been hanging around
Jake too much lately. That daredevil is a bad influence.”

“Jake has
nothing to do with anything, and I’m going to tell him you said that,” John
said. He wasn't grinning as much as before, but there was still that secretive
glint in his eyes. If John was scheming, Gretchen had no doubt Desi and Jake
were in on it. Desi loved surprises and Jake loved anything even remotely
risky. Surprising Gretchen was definitely risky. She didn’t have a lot of fondness
for surprises. Too many awful pranks during school gave her that. She was
starting to regret saying yes to the hiking trip.

“What are
you planning, John?”

He shrugged
and kissed her. “You’ll have to wait and see,” he said.

Yes, she
was definitely regretting saying yes to him.