Mending (7 page)

Chapter Seven

Little Fucker

Stella woke up in the guest bedroom, she hadn't been able to sleep so she'd gone into the guest room with her iPad and read. She'd read through most of a book about a woman with a kid that owns a tattoo parlor and gets swept off her feet by a rich guy. Damn, that bitch had a ton of secrets up her sleeve.

She stretched her massive body. Anyone who says they loved being pregnant must’ve been sneaking the sauce behind everyone's backs. She hated being pregnant and Liam was a dancing fool. She could only eat Eggos and potatoes or she would vomit. She'd gained 60 fucking pounds with this little Fucker. She closed her eyes again. Today was the day. She said a quick prayer. She'd started praying as soon as she learned she was pregnant and she honestly thought that it was the only way her pregnancy was happening, like some sort of divine intervention.

They'd scheduled her C-section for 10:00 this morning. Everything was ready. She'd already packed her bag, her parents were at a hotel, and George's family were all on alert. She still hadn't made peace with George's mom, but her new mother-in-law was over the moon that George was having a boy to carry on the Finnegan name. George was ambivalent towards his family now; she didn't really know what happened, but assumed it had to do with her.

"Someone's having a baby, baby!" George called out as he walked down the hall to where she was trying to get out of the bed.

"Help a fat girl out," she whined.

"I’ll help the most gorgeous pregnant woman I've ever seen," he said pulling her into his arms.

"Why are you so cheery? Oh, that's right, you can sleep at night." Stella rebuffed his attempts to kiss her.

"Be nice to me. This is the last time our house won't be full of baby shit, literally."

"Ugh, I can't be nice, it's simply not possible."

"Can I be nice to you?" George's eyes lifted in suggestively.

"If you touch me anywhere in a sexual manner, I will cut you. Seriously. My boobs are so big and gross they hurt. THEY HURT!"

George just laughed and held his hands up in surrender. "I love you, the mother of my about-to-be-born son."

"Make me coffee," she demanded.

"You're not suppose to..."

"Do it." She'd been cleared for one cup a day by her doctor and she would be drinking it, dammit. She hadn't slept through the night in three months, which was some sort of cosmic joke, since she wouldn't be sleeping at all through the night with a newborn. George stalked off to the kitchen to make them both coffee and Stella got dressed slowly.

She stood in the closet and examined her almost bursting belly, stretch marks wrapped around the sides of her belly and lower back. As she rubbed her hand over her stomach she whispered, "You have changed my entire life. I owe you a lot. I promise I won't complain
too
much about shitty diapers and sleepless nights."

A tear of nervousness fell down her cheek and she slipped her Toms on and went downstairs to enjoy her last morning of quiet.

George had just come back from walking Cooper, who was sort of prancing around her nervously.

"I know, Coop. He'll be home soon," she said, patting him on the head.

Cooper was going to stay with Billy while they were in the hospital, since she'd have to stay a few days because she was having surgery.

Stella walked over to the couch and lowered herself gently, waiting for Coop to put half of his body up on the couch so that he could put his head on her belly. "I love you too. We’ll be fine."

George held her hand the entire time they wheeled her down the hall, looking like he was going to throw up. Once in the room, Dr. Hicks talked to them again about the procedure and a barrier was put up between her face and her stomach. She'd had anesthesia and was numb, but felt pulling sensations; the entire thing was very surreal. She looked up at George to gage what was going on. He was turning green.

"George?"

"Oh, it’s okay. Everything's okay. I can see all your organs and shit though."

"Well, I guess that's better than seeing my vagina with a baby coming through it."

George looked down at her and almost smiled. "You're amazing."

"Oh yeah, I'm doing a lot of work right now."

He bent down and kissed her forehead. “I think he’s here,” he whispered.

And he was.

She heard the sweetest sound she'd ever heard in her life. Liam's cry. He was alive. She couldn't believe that she had two miracles happen to her, George and Liam. She finally felt like she could let herself breathe after worrying about her unborn baby for close to 10 months. Tears fell and dropped to the table.

"Are you okay?" George asked.

The doctor held up Liam to show him to them. A nurse put him on her chest and she felt her world righted after being on its side for so long. This was the missing piece for her and George. She couldn't explain the love she already felt for this baby that looked at her with determination, like he already knew who she was. They weighed him, washed him and put a bracelet on him to track him before they finally handed him over to George. Tears slipped down George’s cheeks silently. Then he looked at what the doctors were doing to Stella and his eyes widened.

He shook his head. "You don't want to know, Love."

"What?"

"Liam, tell your mom to listen to me. I know what's best."

She smiled. George would be an amazing dad, Stella knew it.

Stella was exhausted for no reason and hurt in places that shouldn’t hurt. She’d finally been able to put on clothes, so there was that. The nurse told her she had to put on these bizarre webbed panties and was wearing yoga pants and her Foo Fighters t-shirt. George was sitting in the chair holding Liam and her mother and father were sitting on the couch, looking exhausted.

The door opened to her room and the nurse came in.

“Yay,” she said. “I love drugs.”

The nurse laughed and injected the necessary narcotics into her IV.

“Drugs,” she said to George and immediately started to giggle.

George laughed. “Liam, your mother may have a problem.”

“Liam, your mother is fucking awesome,” she corrected.

“Stella, you will have to stop cussing in front of Liam,” Stella’s mother chastised.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, baby, don’t cuss. People don’t like it. I love it, though. Please cuss in front of me. I’ll think it’s awesome.”

“Good grief,” her father laughed.

The door opened again and Jesse walked in with someone behind him.

“Stella, congratulations!” Jesse came in and owned the room. “I heard he’s got everything he needs too.” He knew her fears that Liam would be dead or disabled in some way.

From behind Jesse, she thought she saw Patrick. “Thanks, J,” she said, giggling hysterically. “I’ve just been given narcotics, but I really appreciate you being here. Can you believe it? I’m going to be a really bad mom.”

“You’ll be a great mom,” Patrick’s voice came from nowhere.

Stella squinted to make sure she was seeing straight. “Patrick?”

“Yeah, El.” He walked to her and cradled her head to his chest. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud,” she murmured.

“Fucking proud,” he whispered into her ear. “You’re amazing.”

“Do you forgive me?” Tears fell relentlessly down her face as she looked at her best friend. The friend she hoped would keep his promise to her.

Patrick sighed and looked around.

Her father cleared his throat. “Let’s get out of here for a few minutes.”

“Yes, George, let’s get you some coffee. I want to take Liam down and show him off. Jesse? Would you like coffee?” Stella’s mother got up and smoothed her skirt down.

“Of course,” he agreed as they walked out the door leaving a very drugged up Stella with Patrick.

“You came,” she whispered.

“Of course I did.” Patrick took a few steps back and stared at her.

“Thank you.” She was suddenly nervous and pulled his hand in hers, making him move closer.

“El.” Patrick sighed. His eyes moved to the window, not meeting hers.

“Please forgive me,” she begged. “I want us to be right. I
need
us to be right.”

“I want to. I’m just as guilty as you are. I love you and I’m trying to get through it.”

“Please forgive me,” she continued to beg. “I love you too, we just need to know what that means. Loving you is the easiest thing that I’ve ever done. Just love me back. Be my person. I would do anything for you. Tell me what you need me to do.”

“I need you to let me go.” His voice cracked with emotion and he cleared his throat.

“Whatever that means, I’ll do it. Please tell me how to let you go…that’s what I thought I’ve been doing.”

“I need to know you love me.” Patrick finally met her eyes, intensity filling his blue eyes.

“Done. I love you.”

He chuckled. “I wanted to believe that you and I could figure out a way for us to be together, now I know that’s impossible. Can we love each other and not be with each other?”

“I don’t know. You want to try?” Stella’s eyes started leaking, again; she wasn’t aware she was crying this time until Patrick used his thumb to brush the tears away.

He looked down and shook his head. “You’re this amazing, fucked up person that I need to stop comparing everyone to.”

“I’m sure I lose in every comparison.” She gave a fake laugh.

“Nope, you and your fucked up shit always rank higher. I must need to get therapy.”

“Patrick, you’re my person. Nothing else matters.”

“Everything else matters, El. You’re married. You have a son. This is where you belong,” his voice broke a little and Stella looked in his eyes again. He was letting her go. It was a relief and shattered her at the same time.

“It doesn’t matter. You tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”

“El, let’s take baby steps. I’m glad you’re okay. I love you, but I’ll deny it if you bring it up. Let me try to figure out how we can be okay.”

“Okay,” she said.

He leaned down to kiss her forehead and she wished things were different, that they were sitting on their back porch drinking beer, joking about the neighbor’s toilet in the backyard.

“I think I’m going to take a shit on the neighbor’s toilet,” she murmured.

“What?” Patrick laughed, trying to comprehend her nonsense.

“Some of my favorite times are just me and you.” She pressed her hand against his chest. “You and me.”

He was silent.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered before she fell asleep.

The light beamed in through the bedroom and woke her up. She’d broken her rule of letting Liam sleep with her, but she was exhausted and he’d fallen asleep on her chest. She breathed him in; he was full of new baby smells and love and she couldn’t get enough of him. She couldn’t believe the amount of love she felt for this bundle of wrinkles and shit. This baby shit more than anything else she’d ever heard of. Stella had been up until 2:00 a.m. trying to figure out what she could do to make her little nugget of baby fall asleep. She wished there was a fucking PowerPoint presentation of this shit—she was bad at it.

Stella was impatient and that was a huge problem with babies. They couldn’t tell you anything, which was difficult for her type-A personality to handle, but one coo or look from Liam and she melted. It was weird. She didn’t melt for anyone but him. He was perfection in a blanket.