Mercury Shrugs (23 page)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Somewhere in North Africa; c. 5,000 B.C.

The three Mercurys, along with Balderhaz, found themselves on a familiar African plain—familiar except for the glaring absence of the massive domed structure of Eden II. Assembled in a rough semicircle around them were several hundred people, who were standing around, blinking in the sunlight, speechless or whispering quietly in awe. The young blond kid was still standing at the head of the crowd, in relatively the same place he had been when they had disappeared, but Noah Bitters was nowhere to be found.

The Mercurys stared at the assembled masses in disbelief.

“Um, Balderhaz,” said Red Mercury. “When are we?”

“Seven thousand years ago,” said Balderhaz. “Give or take. The miracle detector is still orienting itself.”

“I thought we were going back to the present day first,” said Blue Mercury.

“That was the plan,” said Green Mercury. “We were supposed to get the other portal generator and bring it back with us.”

“Oh,” said Balderhaz. “Whoops. Those people distracted me.”

“Yeah, about that,” said Blue Mercury. “We seem to have taken those people with us.”

Balderhaz looked around, as if noticing the cultists for the first time. “Huh,” he said. “Unfocused portal.”

“Oh, shit,” said Blue Mercury. “We’ve transported a bunch of crazy people back in time.”

“And we have no way to return them to the present,” said Green Mercury.

The other two Mercurys nodded as they realized what he was saying: there was no portal in sight. It must have closed after they went through.

“The portal generator probably overheated,” said Balderhaz. “Without a focusing reticule, the energy surge would have overwhelmed the capacitor. That thing is probably just a heap of melted metal and plastic. Or will be, in seven thousand years.”

“So we’re stuck here,” said Blue Mercury. “With all these nuts. Fantastic.”

“Do these people look familiar to you?” asked Green Mercury.

“You mean other than that chick who sabotaged our portal generator?” said Blue Mercury. “She was the spitting image of Tiamat. Where is she, anyway? Did she get sucked back in time with the rest of them?”

“I don’t see her,” said Green Mercury. “But check out that girl in the front.” He was pointing to a brown-skinned teenager with long, curly black hair. There weren’t many children in the crowd, but a small group of them had gathered around the brown-skinned girl, as if instinctively turning to her for safety. Several of the children, obviously frightened by their trip through the portal, had begun to cry, and the girl was methodically, authoritatively reassuring them.

“Okay, now that’s just weird,” said Blue Mercury.

“It’s her, right?” said Green Mercury. “I’m not imagining it.”

“It’s Michelle,” said Red Mercury. “It has to be.”

“And that guy, over here,” said Green Mercury, pointing at a balding man to their left. “Isn’t that Uzziel?”

“Holy crap,” said Blue Mercury. “It is. And there’s what’s-his-name. The dim one. Nisroc.”

“What the hell is going on?” asked Red Mercury. “Why do so many of these people look like angels?”

They stood for a moment, regarding the baffled congregants. The immediate shock of being transported through a mystical portal seemed to have given way to a general confusion. A few people seemed to be trying to determine where they were, but many more were looking around in puzzlement as if they had lost someone. After a moment, it became clear that the entire crowd hadn’t been sucked through the portal. Noah Bitters, for one, seemed to have been left behind. He had been standing right next to the blond kid, and now he was gone. Those who had been closer to the portal generator seemed to have been more likely to be sucked through; the crowd grew progressively sparser as distance from the epicenter increased. Those who had come through were mostly men—had the portal generator discriminated? No, thought Red Mercury. More likely it was the result of attempts to get the women and children away from the rift that had torn their leader apart.

“Uh-oh,” said Balderhaz again.

“Now what?” asked Green Mercury. “What else could possibly go wrong?”

They turned to see Balderhaz staring at the miracle detector. “The energy signature is off,” Balderhaz said. “Losing focus on the portal must have drained some of the energy. We didn’t go back as far as we were supposed to.”

“So when are we?” asked Red Mercury. “Did we beat Lucifer here or not?”

“The amount of available interplanar energy gradually decreases over time,” said Balderhaz. “It’s known as the Balderhaz coefficient. By calculating the Balderhaz coefficient, I can pinpoint exactly when we are.” He closed his eyes and moved his mouth silently for several seconds while they waited. “Well,” he said, “we beat Lucifer.”

“Great!” said Blue Mercury. “How long until he arrives?” asked Blue Mercury.

“As near as I can figure,” said Balderhaz, “about an hour.”

“You have to be shitting me,” said Green Mercury.

Balderhaz shrugged. “At least we beat him here.”

“What are we supposed to do in an hour?” asked Blue Mercury.

“What were we going to do in four years?” asked Red Mercury.

“Warn the other angels,” said Green Mercury. “Get them prepared.”

“Well, go ahead,” said Blue Mercury.

“These people aren’t angels!” cried Green Mercury. “They’re just… people!”

“They’re what we’ve got,” said Blue Mercury.

“Maybe the real angels are around here somewhere,” said Red Mercury.

“I don’t think so,” said Green Mercury. “I just tried to raise Heaven on angel band.”

“And?” asked Red Mercury.

Green Mercury shrugged. “Try it yourself.”

The other two Mercurys and Balderhaz took a moment to concentrate, then regarded each other with frowns on their faces.

“Nothing,” said Red Mercury.

“Less than nothing,” said Balderhaz.

Blue Mercury nodded. “No noise, no signal from other planes. Just… nothing.”

“It’s like the system hasn’t been set up yet,” said Green Mercury.

“Yeah,” said Blue Mercury. “Weird.”

They knew that somebody must have configured the system that allowed angels to communicate telepathically across great distances and even across planes, but they couldn’t remember a time when angel band hadn’t existed. It was just part of the background of the multiverse, something they could always count on. And now it was gone.

“What happened?” someone said. “Where are we?” They turned to see the blond boy approaching. Several others, evidently still not sure whether the Mercurys were to be feared, worshiped, or both, hung a few steps behind, watching the boy.

“Thanks to the meddling of one of your idiot members,” said Green Mercury, “you’ve all been transported seven thousand years into the past.”

“Don’t blame me,” said the boy. “My parents dragged me to that stupid thing. So what’s the deal? Are you guys, like, actual demons? Why are there three of you? My name is Lucas, by the way.”

“Long story, Lucas,” said Blue Mercury. “We’re not demons. We’re… well, we’re not demons. We’re three different versions of the same person. Alternate universes, you know.”

“And you all have the same name?”

“We’re all Mercury,” said Green Mercury. “I’m Green, he’s Blue, he’s Red.”

“I’m Balderhaz,” said Balderhaz.

“He’s Balderhaz,” said Green Mercury. “We’ve teamed up to travel back in time to stop Lucifer from rewriting history. And now you and your dumbass friends get to play too.”

“Whoa,” said Lucas. “Lucifer? Like, the actual Devil?”

“Yeah,” said Green Mercury. “Don’t get too excited; he’s kind of a douchebag. Where are your parents, Lucas?”

“Pretty sure they’re still back in Nevada or wherever. I’m fine with it. They’re lame.”

“Um,” said Red Mercury suddenly. “What’s that?” He was pointing at a bright glint of sunlight in the distance. The four of them stared at it a moment, trying to figure out what sort of prehistoric structure could be reflecting that much light.

“A building?” asked Blue Mercury.

“Made of glass?” said Green Mercury. “Nobody had the technology to make sheets of glass in 5,000 B.C.”

“Well, we’d better check it out,” said Red Mercury. “If the people who built that thing have the technology to make glass panes, maybe they can help us against Lucifer.”

“We’d better hurry,” said Green Mercury. “Because we’re not the only ones who have noticed it.” He was right: the people gathered around them had begun to turn and stare as well. Whatever it was, it didn’t belong here, and they knew it.

“All right,” said Blue Mercury. “Let’s go.”

“I’m coming with you,” said Lucas.

“No, you’re really not,” said Red Mercury.

“Hold up,” said Green Mercury. “One of us should stay here and watch these people. They could get eaten by a lion or something.”

“They’re twenty-first century Americans stuck in 5,000 B.C.,” said Blue Mercury. “They’re all going to get eaten by lions eventually.”

“I’m not,” said Lucas.

“Denial is one of the symptoms,” said Green Mercury.

“Of what?” asked Lucas.

“Of early onset getting eating by a lion,” replied Blue Mercury.

“I’ll stay,” said Green Mercury. “You guys check it. Come on, Lucas, help me keep these idiots from getting eaten.”

Lucas didn’t look thrilled, but he seemed somewhat gratified to be asked for help. He and Green Mercury walked toward the group, most of whose members were now staring at the shining object in the distance. A few had even begun to walk toward it.

“Okay, everybody, gather round!” yelled Green Mercury. “Let’s do a headcount and see how many of us made it through. You over there, please stay with the group. There will be plenty of time for wandering off and being eaten by lions one you’re all accounted for.”

The stragglers began returning to the group.

“What’s happening?” yelled a young woman holding a baby. “What is this place?”

“I’ll explain everything in due time,” said Green Mercury.

“Looks like he’s got things handled here,” said Red Mercury. “Let’s go.”

Blue Mercury and Balderhaz nodded. The three of them set off across the plain toward the mysterious object in the distance.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

It was a massive blue crystal pyramid, at least five stories tall. The Eye of Providence. There was only one like it in the multiverse, and it was supposed to be in Heaven. Red Mercury, Blue Mercury and Balderhaz stood staring at it from about a hundred feet away.

“So,” said Red Mercury, “why is the Eye of Providence here?”

“No idea,” said Blue Mercury. “Are those monkeys?”

Several hunched-over humanoid figures were moving about the base of the pyramid, occasionally stopping to pound on the sides of the pyramid or give one of the other figures a shove.

“Apes, technically,” said Red Mercury.

While they watched, a dark, vertically oriented rectangle appeared in the center of the pyramid’s base, rapidly growing larger until it was the size and shape of a doorway. A figure, seemingly human, appeared in the doorway and stepped outside. The door slid shut behind him.

The figure shook a fist at the simians roughhousing around the pyramid and yelled something in a strange language. The apes barked back at him, standing tall and waving their hands over their heads. The man, not appearing the least bit intimidated, took a few steps toward the apes. It was hard to judge sizes at this distance, but he didn’t appear to be a large man. The apes, now more agitated, moved to surround him.

“Should we do something?” asked Red Mercury.

“Let’s see how this plays out,” said Blue Mercury.

Red Mercury shrugged. Balderhaz, for his part, had lain down on the dirt and gone to sleep.

One of the apes stepped forward from the circle. He jumped up and down, howled, beat his chest, and bared his teeth at the man. When he was finished, he took a step back. The man stepped forward and did a near perfect imitation of the ape’s war dance, complete with bared teeth. Then he took a step back as well.

The ape who had challenged the man had some sort of non-verbal exchange with the other apes, then took a step forward again. He bent down and picked something up, then waved it over his head. It looked to be a bone, perhaps a femur.

The man nodded excitedly and beckoned to the ape. When the ape just stared at him, the man found another bone and picked it up. Then he repeated his war dance again, pounding his chest and growling at the ape. At the end of it, he swung the bone as if bringing it down on someone’s head. The ape, seeming to catch on, howled and ran at the man, drawing the bone back over his shoulder. The man dropped his bone and pointed his finger at the approaching ape. Then there was a flash of light and a loud pop, and the ape was lying on its back on the ground.

The man made the beckoning gesture once again, to the ape who had been standing next to the one who was now prone. The other apes turned and fled, screaming. The man shrugged and stepped back to the spot on the pyramid’s base where the door had appeared. He leaned in and waved his right hand over an area of the pyramid’s surface just to the right of the door. For a moment, some sort of control panel seemed to appear. The man did something at the panel and the door slid open again. He went back inside the pyramid, and the door closed behind him.

“Well, that was odd,” said Blue Mercury.

“Indeed,” said Red Mercury. “Come on, Balderhaz. Let’s go.”

Balderhaz got up from his nap and they walked the rest of the way to the pyramid. There was no sign of a door or any other imperfection in the base of the structure. It appeared to be a solid pyramid made of translucent blue crystal. A few feet from the base lay a dead ape, its charred body still smoking.

“It’s the Eye of Providence, right?” said Red Mercury. “It has to be.”

“I never knew the Eye had a door,” said Blue Mercury. “What do you think is inside it?”

“If I had to guess,” said Red Mercury, “I’d say a guy who kills monkeys with lightning bolts from his fingers. Hey, Balderhaz, did you know the Eye of Providence has a door?”

Balderhaz shrugged.

“Should we knock?” asked Red Mercury.

“I guess?” said Blue Mercury.

Red Mercury banged his fist on the wall, but very little sound escaped the marble-like surface of the pyramid. After a few seconds, though, the section of the pyramid folded out again, and the man stepped outside, yelling incomprehensibly and shaking his fist. When he saw the two Mercurys and Balderhaz, he stopped with his fist in the air and frowned. “Zhee khaw hawanagatha!” he growled.

“Um,” said the two Mercurys.

“Hawna keezhaza na nani,” the man said, and took a step toward Blue Mercury with his hand out.

“Whoa,” said Blue Mercury, taking a step back.

“Zhee?” said the man, puzzled. Blue Mercury glanced at the dead ape.

“Zawkah!” said the man, and burst into laughter. He made a horizontal hand-waving gesture, which seemed to be the equivalent of head-shaking.

“Better just let him do what he wants to do,” said Red Mercury.

“What if he zaps me?” said Blue Mercury.

“Exactly,” said Red Mercury. “Let him do what he wants.”

Blue Mercury sighed and made what he hoped was a conciliatory gesture toward the man.

“Kweenah zha na heenaw,” said the man, and took a step toward Blue Mercury again. He held his hand up to Blue Mercury’s chest, just below his left collar bone. “Zheenakwah!’ the man cried after a moment, and pulled his hand away.

“Look,” said Blue Mercury. “We don’t want any trouble. We just—”

“You’ve ruined everything!” cried the man. “Do you have any idea how much this project cost?”

“Uh,” said Red Mercury. “You speak English.”

“I do now,” said the man. “I tapped into your… er, there’s no word for it in English. Call it your soul. Also picked up this awful drunken bar fight of a language you call English. Good grief, did you know that you people have three different words for
snot
, each one stolen from a different language? Explain yourself!”

“Well,” said Blue Mercury,
“Snot
is straightforward, but a bit crude-sounding for some. Doctors like to use fancy words like
mucus
because it helps to justify their salaries. As for
phlegm
, there’s no explaining the Greeks.”

“I meant explain what you’re doing here,” said the man coldly.

“Oh!” Blue Mercury exclaimed. “Right. We traveled back in time to stop Lucifer from rewriting history. I’m Mercury, by the way. So is he. There are three of us, actually.”

“I’m Balderhaz,” said Balderhaz.

“Also,” said Red Mercury, “We should probably tell you about the thousand or so people back that way a mile or so. You see, we had a bit of a—”

“I know all of this already,” said the man. “It was in his—” he waved vaguely at Blue Mercury “—soul-thingy.”

“Then why did you ask what we were doing here?” asked Red Mercury.

“I didn’t,” said the man. “I demanded that you explain yourself. By what right have you meddled in the Ontological Skein?”

“The what?” asked Blue Mercury.

“The fabric of the universe,” said the man. “Clearly you manifested a causal anomaly or you wouldn’t be here. Where is it?”

The two Mercurys glanced at Balderhaz, who reached into his pocket to produce a small silver disc: the quoin.

“There it is,” said the man. “The proverbial wrench in the machine. The fly in the ointment. The burr in the saddle. The straw that broke the camel’s back. The monkey in the middle. You know, I’m actually starting to like this language. Now ain’t that a kick in the pants? I’m Zhanakza, by the way. You can call me John. Blazes, it’s hotter than two squirrels fucking in a wool sock out here. Are you gents thirsty? Where are my manners? You may have broken the universe, but that’s no excuse for rudeness. Come inside, please.”

John stepped toward the pyramid and waved his hand over an area to the right of where the door had appeared. Something like a keypad appeared on the pyramid wall, with three rows of three symbols each. They looked vaguely like Egyptian hieroglyphs. John tapped a series of eight symbols in quick succession and the door slid open. Cool air wafted out from inside. The three angels glanced at each other nervously.

“Please,” said John. “If I was going to kill you, I’d do it out here with the ape. I mean, I wouldn’t do it with the ape. I’d do it with my finger, out here with the ape. Professor Plum with the candlestick in the library. Such a strange language. Anyway, I just had my floors done. Please, come inside.”

Blue Mercury reluctantly walked inside, the other two following. John tapped an icon on the wall just inside and the door closed behind them.

They found themselves in a large marble entryway with walls paneled in cherry wood.

“What is this place?” said Red Mercury. “I never knew the Eye of Providence had an inside. This is the Eye of Providence, right?”

“Never heard it called that before running into you gents,” said John. “Its official name is Ontological Outpost 73221. My people have thousands of them set up to document any ontological developments.”

“Your people?” said Blue Mercury.

“I use the term loosely,” said John. “We’re a race of sentient beings from what you might call another universe. We exist outside of time and space. You could call us the Eternals.”