Messy Beautiful Love (5 page)

I can’t count the number of times that I receive letters and comments from readers who say, “I get what you’re saying, but let’s not forget that love is give-and-take. This has to go both ways.”

The way of the Lord is uncommon to man, and the way that He loves is amazing. Those who follow His lead seek to love as
He
loves. We don’t give because we are given. We give because it’s the way of the Lord. We serve a God who makes the sun to rise on both the good and the evil and the rain to fall on the just and the unjust (Matt. 5:45). He loved us while we were yet sinners, giving His Son to die for our sins.

Jesus said, “If ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again” (Luke 6:32–34). Jesus is telling us that we must stop the cycle of give-and-take by going the extra mile. He is calling us to love the unlovable and to give more than we get. That includes giving love and respect.

After Jesus broke bread with the twelve disciples, we’re told that He rose from the table and girded Himself as a servant. He then proceeded to wash the feet of His disciples. In those days it was a servant’s job to do that. People didn’t have the luxury of paved roads or walking paths as we do. Their sandaled feet were exposed to dust and dirt, so washing them for someone else was considered a dirty job. It called for humility.

Why did He do it? Why would the King of all kings take on the role of a servant? For the same reason that Jesus did anything—to fulfill the will of the Father. If His motivation
was to gain the favor of His disciples, He would have been sorely disappointed when one of the twelve sold Him for thirty pieces of silver that very night or when another denied Him three times. His actions were a display of
unselfish love
.

In the same manner we are to love people, not because they
deserve
it but because it is the will of our Father in heaven. Mother Teresa said, “There is always the danger that we may . . . just do the work for the sake of the work. . . . This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in—that we give it and we do it to God, to Christ, and that’s why we try to do it as beautifully as possible.”
¹

God’s will is that we freely give of ourselves to the other. When we put that plan in action, we create an atmosphere of love and respect, but the minute we start to reverse it, the atmosphere changes. If I had stopped for a minute to do that, if my love wasn’t as self-seeking as it was, or if I had believed in my husband enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would have seen a man who was doing everything he understood to be good and to supply for his family. If I wasn’t blinded by anger, I might have understood the sacrifices he made for us.

Once you look past the mess of human frailty and error, you see that love is a beautiful thing.

|   
FOUR
   |

Give Up Your Right to Be Right

I
T WASN
’
T YOUR USUAL
S
ATURDAY AFTERNOON
.

We had a lot of talking to do. Money talk. You know—the uncomfortable, I-want-to-avoid-this-topic discussion, where we chat about our finances to see where our money’s being spent. We desperately try to avoid pointing fingers, but the temptation is strong nonetheless.

Michael likes to spend on gifts. Whatever the occasion, I can be sure that my husband won’t show up empty-handed. At Christmastime our tree is surrounded by presents, and a birthday is a weeklong celebration. Buying gifts for his family
is one of Michael’s greatest pleasures, but it’s also a topic of contention for us. And yes, he gives to others, too—nonstop.

I like buying gifts for people, but not anywhere near to the extent that he does. Just a few weeks ago I had a birthday. He bought me new cushions for our garden furniture, a large cooking pot, a set of cutlery, a spoon rest, a napkin holder, a framed print, and a purebred Pug puppy. It’s nice to get gifts but overwhelming sometimes.

I’m more of a small spender, but I like to spend often. I want to be able to go out on dates with him, take the kids out for ice cream, pick up some cute shoes, and buy clothes when we need them. I’m a spend-as-you-go kind of girl, while Michael’s a spend-all-at-once kind of guy. In other words, we have different opinions when it comes to our finances.

And so we sat down. With a laptop in front of us, we went over our spending and took a look at our income to determine the outcome. Why were we over budget? Where should we cut back? What were our biggest concerns?

After about two hours of talking and searching and making notes, I started getting tense. I couldn’t help feeling that Michael was painting me into a corner. All the things that he wanted to cut out of our budget were the things that I enjoy most. I didn’t want to get angry, and I didn’t want to point fingers, but I found myself doing both.

I’d start, and I’d stop. And then I’d do it all over again. “Maybe we should talk about all the Christmas gifts
you
bought last December,” I said. “And look at November. How many times did you go to the mall?”

I wasn’t happy about the conversation, and I certainly wasn’t happy about the way I was handling things. I was trying to be kind and considerate, but my anger kept rearing its head.

“Okay,” he said in the most considerate way, “but can we talk about this without pointing fingers? There are a lot of things that I need to change.”

Then I saw something happen that I’ve never seen before, at least not in the physical sense. Michael’s flesh was at war with his spirit, and his spirit was winning the battle. I could tell that he was ready to walk out of the room and slam the door behind him. He stood up for a second before sitting back down at least once or twice. Every time he resisted the urge to give up and walk out, he chose to be patient and kind. I could tell just by watching Michael that there was an internal struggle inside him. He was sacrificing his emotional turmoil for the good of our marriage. It was more important for him to walk in peace than it was to
win
. His loving-kindness is a constant reminder of how it’s better to
do right
than it is to
be right.

Watching him fight for our marriage reminds me that sacrificial love is so important to achieving unity. That’s what marriage is about, really—it’s growing together as one so that we reflect the unity of the covenant between Jesus Christ and the church. Paul wrote, “God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead
in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved)” (Eph. 2:4–5). Paul talked about the same kind of love—
agape
love—in his letter to the Corinthians, instructing them to be patient, kind, considerate, and humble. It’s also the same love described here: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

We might never be called to
physically
lay down our lives for the sake of a friend. I know that I never have. But time and again we are called to lay down our lives in a
spiritual
sense. We’re called to walk humbly through this world, esteeming others higher than ourselves.

An incredibly interesting passage of Scripture appears in John 21. I love to read from the Greek translation whenever I can because things just pop off the page and speak to me. It was the third time that Jesus appeared to His disciples after His resurrection. He was speaking to Peter: “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest [
agape
] thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love [
phileo
] thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs” (John 21:15).

Let me point out a contrast here.
Agape
is a
sacrificial
love while
phileo
is a
brotherly/friendship
love. We’ll talk more about the love of friendship in another chapter, but in this one I want to specifically focus on
agape
love. This love calls us to give our lives for others.

That was Peter’s mind-set when he said, “Lord, why cannot I follow thee now? I will lay down my life for thy sake”
(John 13:37). Peter expressed incredible devotion, which for the most part was characteristic of him. But here we see a different Peter:
“
He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest [
agape
] thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love [
phileo
] thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep” (John 21:16). Peter didn’t say, “Yes, Lord, I
agape
you,” as we expect him to say, because he was walking in
humility
.

If you remember, in the first chapter I said,
“
Peter, who with passionate faith once walked upon the water to meet Jesus, was the same Peter who fell asleep after his Lord had instructed him to watch and wait. This man who declared, ‘Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will’ (Matt. 26:33
NLT
), was the same man who denied Him three times that very night just hours before His death.”

What we see here is Peter’s transformation of faith. Peter knew that he was weak and that he had failed his Lord when he denied Him three times just hours before His death. Jesus understood his struggle in the flesh and said “unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest [
phileo
] thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest [
phileo
] thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love [
phileo
] thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep” (John 21:17).

Peter was grieved because he desperately wanted to say, “Yes, Lord, I
agape
You.” He wanted to be the man that he
knew
he should be. He wanted to lay down his life for his Lord, but he knew that he was a sinner growing in grace.

Jesus offered him grace when He asked, “Will you love [
phileo
] Me?” In essence He was saying, “This is what I ask, this is what I hope for, but this is what I know you can give Me.”

We’re all like Peter in that we’re growing in grace. And as He did with Peter, God is calling us to love with a sacrificial love.

Jesus said that all the commandments can be summed up in these two: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. . . . And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself ” (Matt. 22:37, 39). Do you wonder what kind of love Jesus was talking about? You guessed it—
agape
love.

Loving my husband is more than just having the warmies for him. If I love him, I must be willing to walk in humility for the good of our marriage. Laying down my life for Michael is an act of laying down my selfishness, anger, and pride. It’s never an easy thing to do, but it’s the most Christ-centered way I can live. No, I’m not there yet, but I’m learning and growing in grace.

I’m committed to living out my vows and reflecting the covenant of my Lord; therefore, I must be willing to go the extra mile when it is required of me.

When my flesh is at war with my spirit, I have a choice. I can either let my flesh win or I can exercise virtue. I can fly off the handle, or I can patiently offer him kindness. I’ve
come to learn that choosing the right path is well worth the effort.

Love is so many things, but the heart of the matter is that beautiful love is Christ-centered.

Love Is Patient

Being married to someone who is gentle and kind is easy, but being married to someone who frustrates you requires patience and sacrifice on your part.

Peter addressed this very issue, whether it’s in the home or the workplace, saying that it is commendable when we bear suffering for the sake of our faith. Why? Because true love is not only patient and kind; it doesn’t get angry when others do it wrong. It bears all things, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love Is Kind

You might very well pass as being kind to your husband, but I wonder how many of us go out of our way to do so. When Michael and I were dating, we made every effort to be kind to each other. We smiled, we hugged, we phoned each other, and we bought each other little gifts. I still have some of the letters and cards that we exchanged in those days. It’s beautiful to look back on our love notes and remember the excitement they brought us.

Making a kind first impression is a great way to impress the man you love, but when you continue the kindness long after you’re married, you leave a lasting impression on him.

Love Does Not Envy

I used to wonder how love could possibly envy. When I was dating Michael, I could envy the women he talked about, sure, but envy him? Never. At least I didn’t think I ever would—until we got married and he became the head of the house.

Living in submission to my husband and allowing him to lead our family have benefits, the most important being that we are living in obedience to God. But with that said, there are days when I consider his role in our marriage, and envy creeps in with its doubt and its questions.
Wouldn’t it be nice if I were in charge?

Those thoughts aren’t rooted in the will of God; they stem from selfish ambition and pride. Loving God means that I will love His commandments, and loving my husband means that I must allow him to live out his God-given role. It’s not always easy, but that’s what sacrificial love calls us to do.

Love Does Not Boast

There can be a fine line between boasting and sharing good news. Whenever something great happens in my life, my first
thoughts are to thank God for His goodness and then call Michael at work.