Mia Found (Starting Fires Book 3) (42 page)

Why did I owe him that? “No,” I said. “I’d rather not.”

Paul came up behind me and put his hands on my waist. My eyes closed and I swayed back into him before I caught myself. My back hit his chest for only a second before I jerked away and put the space back between us.

“
Don’t touch me,” I spat. “You don’t get to touch me anymore.”

His face fell, but he nodded. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry. I just miss you. It’s been…It’s been so long, Pretty.”

My lungs seized upon hearing his pet name. “Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that anymore either.”

Paul took a deep breath through his nose, as if what I’d said hurt him. He ran his hands down his face and squared his shoulders. “This isn’t going how I wanted it to.”

“
How did you want it to? Did you expect to come over and I’d just forget that you broke up with me. That you cast me aside. That you walked away. From. Me. From me, Paul! How the hell did you expect me to react?”

His eyebrows shot up at hearing my mild curse and I realized that he’d never heard me use it. I also realized that my skin was hot. Angry.

Paul noticed. He put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “I don’t want to fight with you,” he said. “I want to talk to you. Explain things.”

My arms crossed over my chest and I shrugged. “So talk.”

“
I–I, uh.” He looked around my apartment. “Can we sit down or something?”

“
Why?”

He swallowed, the gesture making his Adam’s apple bob. “I guess…I guess I’m nervous, all right. And you’re standing over there like you want to claw my face off and you’ve never looked at me that way before and it’s doing something to me. It’s hurting me. I don’t want you to hate me. Ever. I just want to hold you. And talk to you. And explain why I did what I did. I love you, Mia. God do I love you. This last month has been torture and I see how stupid I was. How fucking ignorant. I don’t want to be without you for one more day.”

I stared at him, my mouth suddenly dry. It was what I wanted to hear, but something inside me couldn’t relent that easy. “You know I’m moving right? I’m going to Oregon. Just like you wanted.”

“
I know,” he said. “Lucas told me.”

“
Is that still what you want?”

Paul finally moved, breaking the imaginary boundary I’d placed around myself. Timidly, he brought his hand up and smoothed my wild hair. I remained still.

“
I want you to be happy. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I thought…I thought that by leaving you, you could have that. That I was giving you something. But I can’t do it. I’m selfish. I know I am. It was selfish of me to break it off with you. It’s selfish of me to tell you all this now.”

He brought his forehead to mine and my throat tightened. I struggled to keep my face from showing emotions. This was all so sudden. So much. I hadn’t stopped loving Paul. That was impossible. I hadn’t even stopped wanting him. In my mind, there was still this perfect place where he and I could be together forever. There would be no stress, no worry, because we’d have each other and it wouldn’t matter if there was an entire continent between us. Our love was strong enough to overcome that. Our love was strong enough to overcome anything.

My hands were gripping his shirt. I didn’t even remember putting them there. My eyes were watering. I didn’t even remember crying. Paul’s forehead was still pressed to mine and I could feel his warm breath against my lips. Our magnets were realigning. Our bubble was forming.

I pushed away from him.

“
You don’t get to do this, Paul,” I said. “You don’t get to come over here and say a few cheap words and everything goes back to normal.”

Paul only looked at me. His eyes still peered into mine with an openness I could never hope to feel again. They searched. They prodded. Green pools promising love and devotion. And I couldn’t stand the sight of his hands. They knew me intimately and I longed to have them grab hold of me and press their strength into my skin. Seeing one as he carelessly ran it through his hair made me feel fragile, as though I would break into a million pieces. All I needed was a touch, a few empty promises, and a soft kiss to shatter me.

“
You should go,” I said before he had the chance. “You should leave right now.”

Paul rubbed his hands down his face, but walked towards the door.

With his hand on the knob he said, “I love you, Mia. I never stopped loving you. I didn’t break it off with you because I didn’t want you. I–I thought I was holding you back, preventing you from following your dreams. But I know now, I see it. I want to be a part of those dreams. Every step of the way. It doesn’t matter if I see you a few days every couple of months. I will cherish those days because I cherish you.”

And then he was gone.

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

THE NEXT MORNING I left my apartment and met Marlowe and Lucas at a local farmer’s market. It wasn’t because I wanted to go. I had absolutely no desire to be at a farmer’s market or to be around my brother and his
betrothed—
especially given her affiliation with Paul. But I hadn’t been able to sleep all night. I’d tossed and turned, playing Paul’s words over in my head.

He’d said everything I wanted to hear. He’d made the promises I’d needed. And now I was scared. Afraid that we’d get back together, I’d put my whole heart into it and he’d leave again. Or I’d leave. Or we’d just drift apart and be that
great love
from each other’s past that we couldn’t seem to make work.

Going with Marlowe and Lucas was better than being home alone. My heart was a mess. My head was torn apart. My gut was pulling me towards Paul, trying to triangulate him in the city—wanting to be near him, to hold him and fall helplessly into his arms. I couldn’t make sense of what I felt or wanted or needed.

I’d made peace with Paul. Was I willing to let that peace go for the uncertainty of the future?

Maybe I was being a coward.

I walked behind my brother and his fiancé, mulling all this over. Was I just being afraid and scared? What good did fear ever do?

Maybe that was the point of it all. Feeling the fear. Overcoming it. Becoming the bold. That’s what Oregon was. Letting go of my insecurities and following the path I wanted.

Didn’t I want Paul?

I was so out of it, I barely registered us sitting down at a table. Someone else had joined us. Someone I didn’t even know. Marlowe was talking to her, and I think she was asking about Wally. I could feel the longing in her voice. It washed over my skin and made me sick. Wasn’t there enough longing here today? Hadn’t I filled the quota?

Not even caring that I looked rude, I burst from the table and walked towards my car. It was still early, but I had to meet Gladys later. She was finally coming home from the hospital and needed me to help her around the house for a bit. Maybe I could just wait for her to get home. It would be better than sitting with the lovebirds and the pining fool.

When did I get so mean?

At the hood of my car, I took a breath and shook out my limbs, trying to push the negativity away. This wasn’t me. This was my brooding heart making me all emotional.

“
Where are you going?” Lucas said from behind me.

“
Away,” I said. “Being around you two is making me sick.” So much for pushing away the negativity.

Lucas chuckled and came to stand beside me. “Are you going to see Paul?”

“
No.”

“
You should.”

“
Why?”

Lucas worked his mouth around, thinking. “Call it a hunch. When I asked him to come in this weekend, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to. I knew you’d be at the party and–”

“
You
asked him to come!” How could he?

“
Calm down. Yeah, I asked him. But I felt him out first. Tried to see if he was as big of an asshole as I thought he was. And after talking to him for a few minutes, I realized something.”

When he didn’t continue, I shrugged my shoulders and widened my eyes, saying
spit it out.

“
Well,” Lucas continued. “First, I realized that he is still so in love with you. As soon as he answered he was all, ‘Is Mia okay?’ ‘Do I need to come back?’ ‘I’m getting on a plane right now.’ So that right there tells me that he still has some serious feelings. Look, I don’t know what happened between you. And I’m not the best person to take advice from.”

“
You’re right, you aren’t.”

Lucas ignored me and continued. “But it seems to me like maybe he was just mixed up in the head. I like Paul. And I don’t like anyone you’ve ever dated.”

“
So you think I should just give this another shot? Just like that?”

“
No. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying you need to listen to what your body is telling you. When Marlowe and I split, I was going crazy. I almost moved away. I nearly left because I was too proud or too chicken to go to her. I was going to leave, Mia. Every day I think about what would have happened had she not shown up in my driveway looking all vulnerable and beautiful. I’m getting married to her. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with her. And that all could have been lost because I was too stupid to see what my soul was pulling me towards. So…just listen to yours all right?”

Since he was my brother, I, of course, rolled my eyes, but his words stayed with me as I drove to Gladys’s house.

What was my soul pulling me towards?

Gladys wasn’t home and I sat in her driveway, staring off into space. If I closed my eyes and cleared my mind, I could feel it. It was what I’d been feeling this whole time, since the moment I laid eyes on him.

Every time I’d ever seen him. Every time he’d ever smiled at me. Every kiss. Every word. Every beautiful day. My soul had been pulling me towards Paul for over a year.

A sob tore out of my chest.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair to love someone this greatly. To have them screw with your head and heart.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

“
Hey, dearie,” Gladys said at my window and I jumped out of my skin.

Her neighbor’s car pulled out of the driveway and into its own.

Jerk. They could have at least helped her up the stairs. Gladys was still fumbling around in her crutches and cast.

“
I don’t know why you didn’t let me come get you,” I said, getting out of the car. I wrapped an arm around her waist and helped her maneuver the sidewalk.

“
Oh, no, no, no. You’ve already sacrificed too much of your time for me. Besides, I knew today would be big for you. You’ve been distracting yourself with me. You needed this morning for yourself.”

I smiled as we ascended the steps. “Oh yeah. And how do you know this morning was important?”

“
Oh hush, Mia. You know I have my ways.”

Inside, I set Gladys up in the living room and made sure the house would be easily maneuverable for her. The spare room downstairs was her makeshift bedroom until she was stronger and able to tackle the stairs.

I’d been flitting around her house for hours, doing laundry, setting up her room, making sure she had everything she needed close at hand. Finally Gladys stopped me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me down to sit beside her on the couch.

“
Mia, dear. What are you doing?”

“
Helping you,” I said.

Gladys pursed her lips and shook her head. “Helping yourself, you mean. And I’m not even sure you’re doing that.”

“
What do you mean?” I hated when she spoke this way. In riddles.

“
Your eyes are lifeless. Your face is pale. Your limbs are dead at your sides. You are a walking heartache, Mia. You’ve spoken to Paul haven’t you?”

“
Yes.”

“
And…”

“
And he said he was sorry and that he still loves me. Is this where you tell me to forget that he left me? Forget all the negligence? Just to throw it all away and give him another chance because my soul is pulling towards him or some other wizardly garbage because I’m not–”

“
Mia.”

“
I’m not in the mood to–”

“
Mi-ah.”

I huffed. “What?”

“
I’m not going to tell you that. It’s obvious that you still have some issues to work through with this.”

I hated that word. Issues. It made me feel like I had a problem. I didn’t have a problem.

“
But I am going to say that you should talk to him. Tell him what you want. What you expect. If he can’t do that for you, fine. It’s not meant to be. If he can, then maybe you should try again. It’s up to you though. Do what you feel is best.”

I sat in silence mulling over what she’d said. There was likely some wisdom in there—even if it was weird, Gladys wisdom. The problem was I didn’t even know where to find Paul. Had he already left? He hadn’t told me if he was staying in the city.