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glad when they said to me,’” the staccato voices never changed pitch. “‘Let us go to the house of the Lord,

Psalm 122 verse one.’” Most voices had faded out for the reference except for one girl who wanted every

one to know she knew it.

“And what does it mean?” the teacher shouted above the rising noise.

Two hands shot up, one of them the same girl who had repeated the reference so loudly. “Sherri, tell us!”

“That’s my girl,” I whispered to John.

The girl stood up. “It means that we should enjoy coming to church, because this is where God lives.”

“That’s right,” the teacher said as I felt my face flush with embarrassment.

I shrugged my shoulders when John turned to smile playfully at me. Then he soundlessly mouthed two

words: “It’s working.” The smile on his face pulled the plug on my embarrassment. He made it so clear that

he wasn’t here to shame me.

When we both turned back to the class, the teacher was passing out golden stars made from foil for children

to stick up on a chart on the wall. We used them for things like attendance, memory verse, and if the

children brought their Bibles. The class was in chaos as kids were getting their stars, dodging each other

while finding their name on the chart and then licking their stickers in place.

When the class got back to their seats, the teacher went to the chart and pointed down a few of the rows.

“Look at all the stars Bobby has. Sherri is doing well, too, as are Liz and Kelly. Don’t forget the five top

Superstars will get a special prize at the end of the quarter. So, let’s work hard. Make sure you come every

week, bring your Bible and work on your memory verse.”

“Making a list and checking it twice?” John sang softly. It took me a minute to realize that was a Santa Claus

song, not one of ours. “Seen enough?” he asked, turning towards me.

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“What? Oh, me. I’m just watching you. I already know what goes on in there.”

“I’m not sure you do.” John turned away from the window and walked a little further down the hall,

stopping finally alongside the water fountain. His right arm crossed his chest with his left elbow resting on

it, his left hand massaging his down-turned forehead.

“Jake, did you see that boy sitting next to your daughter in the shorts and light yellow T-shirt?”

“No, not specifically.”

“Well, I’m not surprised. There wasn’t much to look at really. He wasn’t making any noise, just sitting there

with his head down and his arms folded.”

“Oh, I know who you’re talking about. That must be Benji.”

“Benji. Did you notice that he didn’t know one word of the memory verse and he didn’t even go up to get

the star he earned just for coming today?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“How do you think all that made him feel?”

“I hope it made him want to do better; to bring his Bible, to come more often and to memorize his verses.

That’s how we motivate the kids. Everyone does it. It is for a good purpose.”

“But how is he ever going to compete against... Sherri, was it? Are his parents as supportive as you are?”

“He only has his mom and has never seen his dad. She’s a hard worker and loves him a lot, but you know

how tough single parenting can be. I can’t even imagine it myself.”

“Do you think Benji will go away encouraged?”

“That’s what we’re hoping.” I thought of Benji sitting there with a distant look I’d seen so many times. “But

I guess we’d have to say it hasn’t worked for him yet, although it works for most of the other kids. We have

one of the most successful children’s ministries in the city.”

“Is it your point that Sherri’s feelings of accomplishment are worth Benji’s shame?”

I tried to answer his question, but couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound incredibly stupid.

“Did you go to Sunday school, Jake, when you were young?”

“I did. My parents literally raised us at church. I even won a Bible for memorizing 153 Bible verses in one

three-month contest.”

John’s eyes popped open. “Really? And what drove you to that?”

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“The winner got a brand new Bible.”

“And I suppose you probably didn’t even need one.”

I paused a moment, remembering that my parents had bought me a Bible shortly before that. I cocked my

head and squinted my eyes at him bewilderedly as if to say, how did you know?

“The ones who usually win don’t need the prize.”

“I did have another Bible, but this was special. I won it.”

“A hundred and fifty three? That’s a lot of verses.”

“Memorizing has always come easy for me. I just read a verse over a couple of times and I’ve got it. It really

wasn’t hard. Most verses I memorized in the morning before church.”

“How many verses did the second place person memorize?”

“About 35 if I remember right. I really blew them away.”

“And you’re thinking all of this is a healthy demonstration of spiritual fervor?”

Well, now that you question it..., I thought, but remained silent.

“What else did you win?”

“When I was around 10, I received a gold-plated pin for two years of consecutive Sunday school attendance.

The pastor gave it to me one Sunday morning in front of the whole church. You should have heard the

applause. I will never forget how special I felt.”

“It gave you something to live for, didn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve been seeking ever since, that feeling of being special?”

It was as if a veil had just been lifted off my eyes. Most of my decisions had been made craving the

recognition and honor of other people. I loved people’s approval and often fantasized about it. If the truth

be told, that was probably the strongest draw in leaving my real estate job and taking a position in ministry,

where I could be up front, well-known and appreciated. “Did that one moment cause all of that?”

“Of course not. It was a lot of moments like that, exposing and nourishing a desire you already had way

down here.” He pointed to my chest. “Who doesn’t want to be liked and appreciated? It’s an easy thing to

use when you’re trying to motivate people to do good things. The larger question is, did all that

memorization and attendance help you know Father better?”

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“What’s easier for you to do, pursue relationship with the Father or your own sense of personal success?

That’s the real test. It seems to me you wouldn’t be so desperate if it had really taught you how to know

Father’s love. Instead, you’re so busy seeking everyone’s approval, you don’t realize you already have his.”

“What do you mean? How could I have his approval when I’m still struggling so?”

“Because you are struggling for the wrong thing. You think that you can earn Father’s approval. We’re

approved not by anything we can do, but by what he did for us on the cross. Honestly, Jake, there’s not one

thing you can do to make him love you any more today; and there’s not one thing you can do to make him

love you any less either. He just loves you.

“It is your security in that love that will change you, not your struggle to try and earn it.”

My eyes began to moisten with tears. He had unlocked something I’d never considered before.

“So all my efforts are in vain?”

“If they are directed at trying to get him to love you more, yes they are. If you never counseled another person

or taught another class, Jake, he would love you no less.”

What? I was speechless. I wanted to believe him, but he had just challenged everything I had ever worked

for. While it would explain why so many of my efforts had fallen short, I had no idea how to embrace what

he just said. Was I really trying to earn what he had already given?

After a few moments, John pushed away from the wall and started walking further down the hallway and I

took up my position alongside him.

“You know that morning you got the attendance pin? If that pastor would have really loved you, do you know

what he would have said? ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we want to introduce a young man who has just

completed a two-year span of never missing a Sunday school class. We want to pray for him because that

means his family’s priorities are so askew that for the last two years they never took a vacation together. It

means he probably came here when he was sick and should have been home resting. It means that winning

a gold-plated trinket like this one and your approval is more important to him than being your brother. And

not one day of his attendance will draw him any closer to God.’”

“That might have been a little rude,” I countered.

“And a set-up, certainly, Jake. But if he had, perhaps you wouldn’t pursue the approval which does far more

to distract you from God than it does to open you up to him.”

“What you’re saying, then, is that using approval to reward Sherri is not only hurtful to Benji, but harmful to

Sherri too?”

He punched the air with his index finger as if to tap an imaginary button. “Bingo! Do you know that more

than 90% of children who grow up in Sunday school leave the congregation when they leave their parents’

home?”

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“I have heard that. We blame that on the public schools that disaffect children from their faith.”

John raised his eyes incredulously. “Really? That’s convenient.”

“Well, we’re doing our part,” I said defensively.

“In more ways than you’ve seen so far.”

“So you’re saying everything I learned bad about God I learned in Sunday school.” I could hear the mockery

and frustration in my own voice.

“Well, not quite. I didn’t say it was all bad.”

“How could it be? We teach the kids about God and the Bible, and how to be good Christians.” My voice

faded out as it dawned on me that learning about God and what it means to be a good Christian was not the

same as learning to walk with him.

“What I want you to see is that laced through the wonderful things you have here is a system of religious

obligation that distorts it all. Until you see that, you’ll never know what it means to walk with Father.”

“Why’s that?”

“He’s done too much to free you from it, to reward it. Certainly everything else in your life might be based

on performance, but not relationship with him. It’s not based on what we do, but on what he’s done.”

“So I’ve been trying too hard, is that what you’re saying? Is that why my efforts aren’t working? Don’t we

have to do our part?” I looked back at John.

“Not exactly,” said John with a slight chuckle under his breath. “But you are getting close. It’s that you’re

trying to earn a relationship you’ll never earn. Men and women might give you acclaim for memorizing

Scriptures or attending services, but those are never going to be enough to earn a relationship. Besides,

you’re pursuing them not because you want to know God, but because you want people to think that you’re

spiritual. And you know what? That is what you’re getting out of it.”

“So that’s what Jesus meant when he said the Pharisees were doing things to be seen by others and they were

getting their reward. But that’s not what I really want.”

“Good. Can’t you see that the trail you’re on doesn’t go where you’ve been told it goes? It will make you a

good Christian in the eyes of others, but it will not let you know him.” John didn’t seem to be walking any

place in particular. Aimlessly we strolled past classrooms and occasionally a person rushing through the

hallways. I was so engaged in our discussion that I hadn’t noticed the strange looks people gave us. I would

pay for that later.

“So I can become an incredible Christian as far as everyone around me is concerned, and miss the real

heart of it?”

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“Isn’t that where you are? Look at this massive program here. Look at these buildings, the needs of the

children, and the demands of the machinery. What does it need to exist?”

“Obviously it needs people and money and an aura of spirituality, I guess.”

“And that’s what it rewards doesn’t it? How do you stay a member in good standing here?”

“Consistent attendance, giving and not living in obvious sin.”

“All sins?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I don’t know about this place, but mostly there are some sins that aren’t allowed at all—usually sexual

sins or teaching something the leaders don’t like. But others just as destructive are ignored, such as gossip,

arrogance or condemning others. Sometimes these are even rewarded, because we can use those to get

people to act the way we want them to.”

Even our sense of sin was selective. I could see it now. I knew people who were able to exploit the system

for their own gain, even if it hurt others. I’d done it myself.

“Isn’t it interesting how a group of people who get together regularly will eventually develop an esprit de

corps, even down to how people dress, talk, what reactions they allow and what songs they like to sing.

Isn’t it pretty clear here what being a good Christian is, and isn’t a big part of that not to make any waves or

ask questions that make people uncomfortable?”

He got that right.

“One of the most significant lessons Jesus taught his disciples was to stop looking for God’s life in the