Midnight Squad: The Grim (2 page)

           
The first of the two men cleared his throat. “I’m…” I’m
sure he said stuff but all I heard after that was the teacher from Charlie Brown.
Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah! Then his partner took over and apparently, Charlie Brown
had a substitute teacher that was just as boring. Over the years I’d learned
that creeps like this never actually have any information; they just have a
bunch of legalese that keeps you from complaining about the bullshit that
you’ll be dealing with later. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Guys
listen. I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re boring the piss out of me. Now
don’t get me wrong, I am sure you have many important things to discuss, but
I’m hung-over. I have vomit on my shirt, and I’m still trying to figure out why
there are Cheetos in my vomit because as far as I can remember it has been at
least two weeks since I had any Cheetos. So can you please get to the parts
that you think I’ll actually give a crap about before I hang myself with my
shoelaces? The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can talk with my
father.” I have to give these two guys credit. They never blinked. They just
kept everything as calm and professional as possible. They’d have made
telemarketers proud, and it really pissed me off.

The basics were that the U.S.
Government had a position that they felt I was uniquely qualified to fill. I
would be well paid and briefed on all pertinent information when I got to the
location. They couldn’t stress enough how important it was that I understood
all of this was classified, and at the same time while long on legalese and
liabilities, they were short on details. I’ve done this all before; it always starts
out real professional, with lawyers, and paperwork. They always end in blood,
nightmares, and regret.

           
I was doing my best to shake off the last remnants of my
hangover when one of the suits standing in front of me cleared his throat.
“Sergeant Reaper, I wouldn’t want to make presumptions, but perhaps you could
at least pretend as though you are listening. We would not want any
misunderstandings. The legal ramifications are
mmph
!”
His eyes opened in shock. I guess he had never had anyone grab him by the face.
I started to squeeze harder until I felt some of his molars loosen. I remember
a time when I listened to men like this as though the garbage they spewed would
someday save my life. Hell, I used to take notes. I’m a lot smarter now, or
maybe I just don’t give a shit anymore. I took my time, waiting until I was
sure that both of them were listening. “Ok, why don’t we quit wasting time with
one another? Everything is super hush-hush. If I talk about it, or clue anyone
in about it in any way that compromises the situation then I have done
something bad. If I do something bad then things will happen to me that I
probably do not want to happen.
The end.”

           
“It’s a little more complicated than
mmph
!”
Well now I had both of them by the face. I took my time. I counted to ten. I
even tried to find my happy place. Unfortunately, I quickly realized I’d have
better luck finding Waldo. If I ever had a happy place, it has long since
closed and torched to the ground to collect the insurance money. That
realization made me a little more than cranky. I’m not exactly cuddly on a good
day, and on a day like today I was about as far away from friendly as you could
get.

           
I watched the fearful looks on the lawyers’ faces. With a
quick tug both of them were on their knees, my sick ruining what looked to be
well-tailored slacks. “Ok, listen carefully. There is nothing you can say that
I haven’t heard, so how about I explain it to you. If I talk about the mystery
project then I’m dead. If I fail in whatever my duties are then I’m dead. More
importantly whatever I’m going to be doing probably has such a small chance
that I’ll live through it that basically no matter what happens I’m dead. Now
blink twice if you two are following what I’m saying.” Two pairs of angry eyes
blinked back at me twice. I squeezed a little harder until they both whimpered.
I hate to admit it, but I was actually having a little fun. It is nice when you
have nothing left to lose. I heard footsteps coming back, and I started
wrapping things up.

           
“So show me where to sign, and then get lost.” I couldn’t
help but enjoy screwing with these two a bit. It didn’t get rid of the
hangover, but it made it more bearable. Who knew how many times these two
pencil pushers had watched as some idiot signed away his life, only to go home
to their soccer mom trophy wives and two point who cares number of kids, and
forget all about it like they never had a part in it. Both of them were
terrified, it would have been funny if they weren’t technically on our side.
One of them swung out the clipboard while the other produced a pen. I let them
both go and signed the forms. The Colonel’s angry voice sandblasted my ears,
“What in the blue hell have you three been doing. I said get ready to go. Stop
this circle jerk and let’s move! It’s been a long fucking day, and the sooner
we are done here the sooner I can get you three hemorrhoids off my ass!” The
Colonel just has a way with words. He spun on his heel and stomped back down
the hallway. “Come on you little shit stains, daylight is a burning!”

           
Apparently, the lawyers didn’t appreciate the treatment
as they both mumbled to themselves about my father being a mean son of a bitch,
but of course they only did this after he was safely down the hall where they
knew he wouldn’t hear them. They were right of
course,
Dad is a mean son of a bitch. Especially when there is work to be done, but the
problem they were about to have is that he’s my mean son of a bitch. Nobody
talks about my dad like that. The spineless weasels turned to me. I took a closer
look. One of them had a comb-over that would make Donald Trump proud, and the
other had a hoop earring and a toupee that I guess was supposed to make him
look younger and cool. It really just made him look like a middle-aged pirate
with a small poodle sleeping on his head. I jumped at them like I was going to
give them an old-fashioned beat down. Both men screamed, turned around and ran
face first into the wall. Sometimes people are their own best punishment.

           
I stepped over both men, if you could call them that, and
started trying to make my way to the Colonel. The hallway wasn’t nearly as long
as I thought. There were six cells on each side. There were only two people in
the other cells. Each had their own cell. It looked like they both were just sleeping
off the alcohol. I was a little jealous that they got to stay sleep. It only
took a few strides and I was already standing behind the Colonel. The man
glanced behind me, looking for the two lawyers. The Colonel took a deep calming
breath after realizing that they weren’t coming out any time soon. He looked up
at me, “Can you please call your mother. She’s been worried about you…we all
have.” I nodded. It was nice when Dad took a break from being the Colonel.
There was no one tougher, rougher, or more professional than The Colonel, and
nobody kinder, gentler, or more loving my stepfather. He’d raised me so long I
really thought of him as my father. Mom could not have picked a better husband.
Mom only knew the side that
was loving
and tender, but
she had heard about the Colonel from more than a few whiney new recruits that
tried to get a date with one of the Colonel’s daughters. All six daughters just
knew the teddy bear that pampered and cared for them. I was the only one in the
family that saw both. Sometimes that could be awkward.

           
I hate to admit it but I was lucky. Wilson raised me like
his own son. He respected me keeping birth father’s last name. He supported me
in everything. Only after I joined the marines to be like him did I see the
other side of my stepfather. Dad was a real hard-ass in combat boots. The
Colonel was an old school scream, yell, and if necessary kick your ass up out
through your teeth type. It made Christmas a little surreal when I was sitting
across from the soft-spoken, gentle, tender man who earlier that day had been
threatening to drag me around the obstacle course by my eyelids if I didn’t run
faster. Of course even then I knew he was making special trips out to push me
so that I’d be the absolute best I could be. He rode me harder than anyone
else, and he did it because he loves me and wants my best. Considering the
missions I was going to be involved in, even my best might have gotten me
killed, and so he made sure I was better than I ever had any right of being.

           
“Sure Dad, now what’s going on? What am I doing in here?”
The Colonel shook his head, “Boy, you have to stop drinking. When you start
having blackouts, you have officially partied enough. They found you passed out
in a goat pen yesterday and brought you in for public intoxication. When they
fingerprinted you, they got a hit from our system to detain you. Uncle Sam
wants you for something, and they called me to come down and get you. I came as
fast as I could. I got them to waive the public intoxication charge, but I
couldn’t get them to drop the charge for interference with a public treasure.
Apparently the goat is also the city mascot.” I couldn’t help but start
giggling, “You’re shitting me!” Wilson’s eyes narrowed, he didn’t like it when
I used bad language. “Sorry, but you can’t really expect me to believe that.”
Wilson reached up and put his hand on my shoulder. “Boy, I wish I was joking.
This backwater hole really has a hard-on for that goat. I didn’t believe it
either until they showed me a statue. In fact, it is technically the mayor, and
I don’t even want to know how that works. I paid the fine and we need to get
out of here before these rednecks rub off on you and you start wanting to marry
one of your sisters. By the way, you owe me two hundred and fifty bucks in
fines, but you can pay me back when you get on your feet
.“
I nodded, enjoying a brief father and son moment. Then it was gone. He cleared
his throat, stiffened himself into “disciplinary readiness”, and pushed open
the swinging doors. “Move your candy ass you little fairy! I said move, move,
move
! I don‘t have all day!”

           
The officers gave me my stuff and I made my way to the
van. The lawyers stumbled out. They were not happy. Wilson growled quietly, “By
the way, thanks for tuning those two peckerwoods up a bit. The little creeps
just rubbed me the wrong way the whole flight down.” Comb-over slid into the
driver seat, Toupee took the passenger. The Colonel stretched out next to me in
the back. Well, stretch might be a little much. At six foot six inches and two
hundred and fifty pounds, I don’t leave a lot of room for anyone to stretch
out, but he made do. We were rolling down the road when he handed me his cell
phone. I turned it on and flipped through the names.
Snuggie
-bear?
I couldn’t
help but giggle when I read Wilson’s pet name for my mom. I hit dial and after
two rings, Mom picked up. “I hope you’re
gonna
be
home soon.
Snuggie
-bear misses her Love-bunny. I’m
wearing those panties you bought me. You know the
crotchless
purple ones.” Oh God kill me now.
“Um, mom?”
I heard a
scream followed by a long pause. Then suddenly the worst fake Spanish accent
ever came over the phone, “So sorry, wrong number. Me no speak-o la English-O,
maybe you have wrong number…O!” I was stuck somewhere between wanting to kill
myself from embarrassment, and nearly peeing myself laughing. Mom kept trying
to sell that I had the wrong number. What started out as a bad Spanish accent
slowly morphed through several other equally bad accents. I heard a bastardized
version of Italian, French, Australian, Indian, and even German. “Mom, come on
as disturbing as this is you aren’t fooling anybody.”

           
“Really?
Crap!” Mom also had a
way with words. The crap somehow grew to seven syllables. Dad didn’t want us
cursing because he thought it might reflect badly on her since she spent so
much time raising us by herself when he was off on missions. Meanwhile, mom
could put any sailor to shame. She once made a teacher cry when she thought he
didn’t give my oldest sister
Niki
a high enough grade
for her paper,
It
was on her idol Ronald Reagan. I
never said we were normal. “Baby how are you! I‘ve been so worried since you
disappeared.
Niki
, Kelly, Susan, Jennifer, Jackie O,
Melanie, it’s your brother on the phone!” I could hear the mad scramble into
the room. Mom put me on speakerphone. With every one of them talking at once,
it was impossible for me to figure out what was they were saying, but it was
clear that they loved me, they were glad to hear from me, they were worried
about me, and when was I coming home so they could kill me for disappearing
like I did.

           
I finally had to interrupt. “I’m fine. Dad is taking me
to a job. I’m not sure when I’ll be free, but I’ll try and be home for
Christmas if I can.” It wasn’t much, but I have to give my family credit. They
understood. They’ve been through this with Dad all their lives. We chatted
away. After ten minutes, I handed back the phone. I leaned over so that the two
men riding with us wouldn’t hear. “So where are we going Lo-o-o-o-o-o-
ve
Bunny?” He
whinced
slightly,
and then a devilish smile danced across his face. Dad slowly leaned back and
whispered, “Son, be glad it was Love Bunny, she used to call me her Genetic
Jackhammer when we were trying to have your sisters.” I think I must have
turned two shades of green because Comb-over offered to pull over to let me
throw up. Nobody wants to be in a car with that new puke smell.