Midsummer's Eve (17 page)

“I’
m guessing a convertible Porsche Carrera, since I made the mistake
of commenting on one last week.” She
grinned mischievously.

It hadn’
t been a mistake. We all knew Teri well enough to know that her comment had been timed with painstaking precision.

Teri led us up the curving mahogany staircase to her computer room to show us her latest online acquisitions. The girl is an EBAY junkie, purchasing an amount equivalent to my mortgage pa
yment on a weekly basis. She has
enough shoes, clothes and handbags to supply a small country. The Fed Ex man has become such a regular at her house that she has taken to inviting him inside for te
a and crumpets
and… whatever…while Lawrence is away enjoying his daily round of golf, or more aptly
put
, his round of being cha
uffeured around in his tricked out
golf cart.

We followed her into her bedroom to admire her latest Louis Vuitton
collection. What a diva!
Who actually changes their purse daily? I consider it no small feat if I find time to change mine
every six months. Although
I shouldn’
t complain
,
since after a
couple of weeks she often tires of a new bag and passes
it along to me. I had a stash of handbags in my closet, while
Mallory
and
Tammy
were quite content with their Jaclyn Smith K Mart bags, thank you.

We made the appropriate oohs and aahs to the latest acquisitions in her cleavage revealing, curve hugging, designer wardrobe and then meandered to her husband’s weight room in a mannerly effort to speak to him. He was having his twice-weekly session of physical therapy due to last year’s massive heart attack and gave us a cursory wave.

Lawrence be
grudgingly tolerates us on Teri’
s night to entertain, but he would much rather spend the evening alone with his voluptuous wife. He is a very peculiar person who guards his privacy zealously and wishes that Teri would as well. Like that will ever happen.

“When was the last time you two had sex?”
Mallory
asked movi
ng into Teri’s bedroom and taking a seat at
her vanity to
spritz perfume on
various locations of
her body.

“Oh, we don’
t have
actual
sex
per se
. Every night I sit on the edge of his bed naked and he fondles my breasts until he drifts off to sleep with a satisfied smile.” Teri swiftly took the perfume bottle from
Mallory
.
“Why must you insist on smelling like a French whore?”

Mallory
ignored her and began sampling different shades
from the vast array of lipsticks before continuing undaunted. “Well, when was the last time you actually had
actual
sex?” She settled on a rich peach color and added a topcoat of gloss.

“With Lawrence you mean?”

“Yes, Teri, your husband.”

A pained expression c
rossed
Teri’s f
ace.
“Oh, that was the night of his heart attack.”

The night of Lawrence’
s heart attack had been a terrifying ordeal for Teri, for all of us
in fact. She might not be
in
love with him, but she really did love him. I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

She had called us from the hospital sobbing hysterically that Lawr
ence was going to die. It was
only
a
few months after her sex change surgery and she
had
insisted, rather loudly,
“It’s all my fault! I know it is! I killed the poor man with my
brand new, silky smooth, extremely tight, state of the art twat.
”
She said this from Lawrence’s somber room in ICU. God only knows how many nurses, doctors and patients had needed resuscitation after that
heartfelt
confession.

The three of us had rushed to her side and were witness to her
genuine
relief when Lawrence was taken off the ventilator and smiled at her.

“Is anyone hungry?”
Teri asked as we headed back downstairs, where blessedly the soundtrack had ended. “Now that you have snooped into my personal life, when was the last time you fornicated,
Mallory
?”

“
Today. Twice. And it was damn good! It was all
big and
crooked. You all
know how good a crooked dick feels
.”

“I'm
tharving
,”
Tammy
announced, clearly grateful for the silence. “What is that wonderful
thmell
?” Her gratitude was short lived however, as the next
CD that fell into place containe
d the coma inducing rendition of
one of the most annoying song
s on the planet
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
.

“How does Beef Wellington sound?”
Teri removed the dish, which smelled scrumptious from the oven. She is a culinary marvel.

“Great!”
we all said in unison.

We plopped down on bar stools at her kitchen counter. None of us, given a choice, would have chosen to suffer through a meal in her elegant dining room with its exquisite French lace tablecloth and window treatments. I personally would have been more inclined to choke from thirst, rather than risk picking up a crystal wine goblet in the elaborately appointed room. It was difficult to enjoy libations with the ever-present
fear of tipping the glass
and having to watch in absolute horror as red wine soaked into her plush snowy carpet.

“So
Eve
, when was your last romp in the hay?” Teri queried, immediately returning to her favorite topic of discussion.

Did she seem suspicious or was it all in my mind? I had asked
Tammy
and
Mallory
not to tell her that
Adam
and I were back together u
ntil after girl’
s night. I didn’
t feel like
be
ing
the victim of her catty comments or insults tonight.

“To be honest, I don’t even remember. In fact, it’s quite possibly that
my coochie has
grown shut by now.” I laughed, unable to look her in the eyes. “At least four months I would think.”

“What about you,
Tammy
?”
Mallory
asked, scooping out a healthy portion of beef, a side of asparagus and about a pint of potato salad.

“
Thaturday
night, but it
wathn’t
that good.”
Tammy
plucked a roll from the napkin-
covered breadbasket. “He didn’t do the
beth
eth
thing.”

The bestest thing, in
Tammy
lingo, being the predominant use of lips and tongue on ones nether region.

“Well, why
ever not?”
Mallory
seemed
both shocked and appalled by the notion that a man would actually refuse a woman oral sex.
Actually, s
he appeared downright distraught by the news.

“He
thaid
he didn’t believe in doing it
. That he had never done it, in fact.”
Tammy
took a bite from a yeast roll and slathered more honey butter
on
it. “He
thaid
it was
nathy
, can you believe that
thit
? I bet he wouldn’t think
Thakira’s wa
th
nathy
.”

“
She bets he wouldn’t think whose
was nasty?” Teri queried.

“Shakira
’s
,” I translated.

“Oh, hell, even I wouldn’t
have a problem nibbling on that twat!
I don’t know what his problem is,
Tammy
. I
only
hope you didn’t suck his lollipop before you found out about his aversion to juicy fruit. At any rate, I suggest you move on.  He hardly sounds worthy of your time. Oral sex certainly doesn’t feel nasty to me.” Teri smiled dreamily. “Why, in my opinion it’s one of the necessary life skills.

“You know, I had always heard that black men wouldn’t go down on a w
oman either. Well, I
can assure you that’s a lie.”
Mallory
grinned and wiggled her b
ottom on the stool. “
Antwan
slurps mine like it’s a vanilla ice cream cone.”

“You girls won’t know the true meaning of slurping until you get with a man who can remove his teeth and just use his gums,” Teri said and shivered at the thought. “Devine.”

“Whew! That wasn’t the mental picture I needed during dinner.

As usual, the meal was absolutely superb. Cooking was just one of Teri’s many talents including building a dog house, decorating, repairing the gutters, needlework, building a dog fence around the yard or refinishing furniture. She could do it all without breaking a single acrylic nail.

One of the perks of having Teri as a friend is that she cuts and colors our hair for free.
So, a
fter the meal,
Mallory
commented
that her ends needed a trim.
Teri led us upstairs to her bathroom and eagerly shoved
Mallory
down on a stool and draped a cape around her. This was a highly unusual event, as I felt reasonably certain
that some of the hair
would have to land on Teri’
s
immaculate floor. I just couldn’
t see
her allowing this to happen
, but as shocking as it was
,
that seemed to be her plan.

Mallory
had been
attempting to allow her usually inch long, spiked hair to grow, which annoyed Teri to n
o end. “
You have a round face,
Mallory
, and all that hair fluffed out around your face only makes it appear rounder, fuller, and for
lack of a better word…
fatter.”
Teri's tone implied that she had already informed
Mallory
of this on more than one occasion. Admittedly
Mallory
’
s hair was natura
lly curly and very, very full. “
Before I cut it why do
n’
t you let me straighten it and
take out some of the fullness?”

Teri was a huge fan of straight hair and given the fact that she could be very persuasive, few of her clients even owned curling irons.

“
Will
I look good with straight hair?”
Mallory
’s words came out in an annoying whine.

Teri cast a sideways glance at
me with eyes that asked if
the girl
could
make it through one entire day without tal
king through her nasal passage
s
? Yet for once she
almost held her tongue
and said, “It couldn’
t l
ook any worse than it does now.”
That would have seriously pissed some people off,
but we were accustomed to Teri’
s biting sarcasm and it rolled
right off
her.

We chatted about the latest episodes of
Dancing with the Stars
and
Pretty Little Liars
while we suffered through an entire CD of
Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits
. In between belting out songs, and the occasional random twirl around the room, Teri applied chemicals and combed
Mallory
’
s hair straight.

After drying and styling
Mallory
’
s appearance
changed dramatically. She was transformed from country to city chic in less than two hours. The switch from curly to bone straight was sensational. It added an air of sophistication and erased several years from her appearance. Given the amount of twirling in front of the mirror,
Mallory
was loving it too. “I love it! Teri, you are a miracle worker!”

“So they say
.”

“
Next month
, it’
ll be my turn for a make
over,”
Tammy
insisted.