Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (25 page)

You know those times when you're put in a situation and you realize that the right thing to do, the responsible thing to do, and the decent thing to do are all the same thing? Then you shrug, look at your brother for confirmation, and do the exact opposite? Dave is a master of that situation—such a dick. I still can't understand why he's your favorite.

Anyway, Mama, I'll cut to the chase. It was Colorado and I was twenty-two years old, so naturally I had a ton of pot stuff around the house. You saw it, thanks for not judging. You, me, Dave, Sean, and about eight of my close friends were sitting in my living room having a few cocktails around the fire after a nice day on the slopes. It was getting late, the wine was flowing. Denny, you were a little buzzed—don't worry, we peer-pressured you. I looked over and there's Dave with a big ole pot cookie in hand. Yes, Mama, that cookie had pot in it. It all happened too fast!

One second of hesitation. Dave and I look at each other, shrug.gg

Next thing I know, you're mowing down the magical treat. Giggles ensue. You even asked me for the recipe! Don't worry, there's no way Dad made it far enough through the book to actually read this. That night is going to make a lot more sense to you now, huh? Sorry, mama! Love you!

Dave and Mike

For sale is this here end table. Some call it a bedside table. It is a cool color green and very sturdy and in good shape. My ex-girlfriend sanded it, painted it for me, put new handles on it, then promptly dumped me. If bought for full price, top drawer will come with a nudy shot of her inside of it (8x 10, framed for an extra $10). It is two drawer and good for socks, underwear, other unspeakables. Bulldog not automatically included (negotiable), only shown for size comparison.

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

Posting ID: 3546505915

Posted: 2013-01-14, 9:39PM EST

On Mon, Jan 14, 2013, at 10:06 PM, Beth Babicz ([email protected]) wrote:

Hi there,

I'm very interested in the end table. What are the dimensions? I'd be able to come by and pick it up tomorrow night if that works for you.

Also, I'd be glad to take the bulldog off your hands!

Please let me know.

Thanks!

Beth

On Jan 14, 2013, at 10:11 PM, Dave Stangle ([email protected]) wrote:

Hi Beth,

Tomorrow works. The dimensions are: 14 inches deep, 17.5 wide, 22 inches high. The bulldog is currently passed out next to me snoring very loudly. Should he keep it up I will consider giving him up to you upon your arrival.

On Mon, Jan 14, 2013, at 10:58 PM, Beth Babicz ([email protected]) wrote:

Sounds good. I work in upper east until 8:30, so would 8:45 be ok?

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the pup.

Sent from my iPhone

On Tue, Jan 15, 2013, at 10:42 PM, Beth Babicz ([email protected]) wrote:

Hey Dave,

So I love my end table but I have to admit—my roommates were pretty disappointed that I didn't make friends with the funny craigslist guy. We do feel that we are just as witty, so if you're ever interested in playing Apples to Apples here's my number: 9413213XXX.

Beth

Sent from my iPhone

From: Dave Stangle ([email protected])

Date: Wed, Jan 16, 2013, at 9:06 PM

Subject: Re: Cool green end table—$34 (Upper East Side)

To: Beth Babicz ([email protected])

Cc: [email protected], Timothy Clinton (Timothy.M.

[email protected]), Howard Freedman (howard.d.

[email protected]), Jackson Kiniry ([email protected])

Beth,

I apologize for a lack of small talk last night when you purchased the end table I advertised on craigslist. By the time you came to the door a combination of work related stress and severe back pain (from my bad boy lifestyle $$$) had driven me deep into a drug and alcohol fueled haze by which my manners completely escaped me. Had there been less chemicals in my blood stream, which is the case
most
Tuesdays, I would have offered you a chilled glass of box wine while we spoke of end tables, bulldogs, and your recent move to Manhattan's East Village. I would also like to apologize as my ad on craigslist clearly states that any buyer who pays full price for the end table is entitled to a nudy shot of my ex-girlfriend. I will consider this an open case. A Lannister always pays his debts.

Regarding your invitation to play Apples to Apples—I happily accept on the grounds that you agree to the following: Everyone knows Apples to Apples is a game based not only on speed, wit, panic, passion, and facetiousness . . . but also on sheer numbers. A game of A2A played 1 vs. 1 would just be downright silly (and at this point creepy as we already owe knowing each other to a craigslist ad). Copied on this email are 4 men. I know each of these men well and can attest to that fact that each of them meets at least 3 of the following 5 characteristics:

1. Tall

2. Single

3. Free Spirited

4. Between moderately to extremely handsome.

5. A 3-time convicted felon wanted in several states and banned for life from all of South America (under the penalty of death in Bolivia).

Although I am yet to even mention this to any of the 4 men copied (this is the first they are hearing of this) I am confident they will be up for a good game of A2A, however, will require you to counter with a similar group of young women. I keep a detailed dossier on each of the men copied and can provide brief biographies upon request.

Dave Stangle

(no response whatsoever)

Innovative personal trainer for overweight women. (NYC)

Are you an over weight woman looking to trim down? I have an adrenaline pumping and intense exercise routine that just may interest you! What I offer is a cross training service to help you slim down, improve your cardiovascular activity, and have some fun! Here is how it works!

We meet at a specific outdoor location of my choosing with a decent amount of stairs, sidewalks, crosswalks, buildings, etc in NYC. I'll give you a head start of about 30 seconds then I come chase you down like a raging lunatic! I'm 6'4” and whiter than snow. Picture Silas from The Da Vinci Code—fucking terrifying. I also have an uncontrollable drinking problem so you'll know I'll have incredibly blood shot eyes and smell like I slept in the basement of a gin distillery ! Aside from my general appearance and lack of emotional stability I have several other tactics to make you want to run away from me and raise your heart rate in a fun and exciting way!

Worried about being in too poor a shape to participate? Don't worry! I've got all the bases covered. When I start to close in on some of my fatter slower clients I yell nonsensical words and racial slurs while holding my hands out like a zombie !! I've found it really lights a fire under their butts. If I do catch you prior to the conclusion of the workout I'll simply bite your ankles several times until you kick your way free and hit the home stretch for a solid finish!

So if you are interested in getting in shape and having some good old fashioned fun while doing it, please, just email me! I am available most weekends and some week nights. Prices are negotiable. Summer is right around the corner, ladies!

Location: NYC

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.

License info: Unlicensed

Posting ID: 1722663588

Posted: 2010-05-03, 3:24PM EDT

RE: Giant Bear Taxidermy

Hi -

This bear is the coolest thing I've ever seen. Seriously. Have you sold it yet?

I see you are selling it for $729. Unfortunately, we are in a large recession and I cannot afford it. I propose a counter offer. What if you were to GIVE my room mates and I Chester (I've already named him) for free and we will re-pay you by hunting down and killing an even larger animal next chance we get. Weapons, no weapons. Your choice.

Think about it..

(no response)

RE: Giant Bear Taxidermy (the truth)

Alright, I'm rolling up the sleeves. It's time you hear the truth about this Bear you are selling.

I killed that big motherfucker with my own bare hands (pun! aayyooo!) and left in-sizer tooth. I'd recognize it anywhere. I tried to barter, I tried to offer counter proposals. I didn't want to tell you this, but the truth is inevitable. I killed that fucking bear, therefore I am the rightful owner of it's stuffed half carcass. I don't know who you bought it off of for ”$2500” in the underground taxidermy black market, but clearly this vendor has forgotten the great lesson taught to us by Keith David in the 1990 classic film Men At Work, that is, “Never touch anotha' mans fries.” It's time you hear the truth.

It was the winter of 1979, the coldest winter on record as I'm sure you remember. The middle east was once again playing hardball with Jimbo Carter and oil prices were through the roof. My modest 1 bedroom cabin upstate was burning on what little oil it had left. I had calculated I had about 4 hours of heat left before finding an additional source, but I wasn't going to wait around to find out. I set out into the forest with nothing but my knife, my boots, and my rapist wit. My goal was to hunt chipmunks, house cats, and other varmint of similar nature. soon I found much more than I bargained for. After about 6pm I stumbled upon “your” bear, Chester, smack dab in the middle of the woods taking a shit (yes, the legends are true). I snuck up from behind him, knife drawn, with hopes of slitting his throat. When I was about 8 feet away I accidental stepped on a dry twig which made a “snap” sound. He twirled around and threw a ninja star at me, dislodging my knife from my hand. It was clear this was going to come down to fisticuffs. It was on. We exchanged blows for the better part of a day and a half, right there in the middle of the woods. The next part gets a little blurry as I had lost well over 2 quarts of blood, but when my memory came to I was laying on Chesters dead body, my tooth had ripped him square across the chest and spilled his insides all over the cold ground and my face. It was only then I realized the harsh truth. Chester was pregnant, there were 4 little bear cubs that spilled out of his stomach. I was mortified. I made a pact right there that Chester's last battle would not be in vain. I immediately had his carcass stuffed to be preserved and began nursing the 4 cubs on my teet. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I put each of those 4 bears through college ( 2 of which have made the dean's list in consecutive semesters). Now with Brett, the youngest of the 4 in his senior year, I looked into tracking down Chester to return him to his rightful home. I have traveled all over the world looking for this carcass, and my search has lead to to craigslist. To you.

Hear me now. Arrange a meeting to exchange what is rightfully mine and I promise I will protect you from all future Bear attacks. If you refuse, and word gets out in the wildlife community what you are harboring from me. well I'm sorry my friend. You are on your own.

(no response)