Mike's Election Guide (7 page)

Just once, wouldn’t you like to vote FOR someone instead of AGAINST him?

I suggest that from now on when you vote for a candidate you see that as only the
first
step in the process. Then commit yourself to following their voting record, sending them emails and letters, and promising to work for their ouster if they are not representing you.

Otherwise, just voting for them is a waste of time. It’s like handing your teenager the keys, taking away his condoms, and saying, “Have fun! Do what you want! See you in two years! We promise not to call or bother you!”

I’m a little light in the pocket right now. Can my vote be bought?

Joe Ventura

Grass Valley, CA

ANSWER:
Actually, it works the other way. Politicians do not pay
you
—
you
pay them. And whoever pays them the most, gets the most things done.

For instance, if you send a check for $25 to a presidential candidate, he or she will greatly appreciate that. But not as much as if you send them $4 million, like the energy & oil industries have given so far to the Republican presidential candidates, and the nearly $3 million they’ve given to the Democratic presidential candidates. Or the $8 million the big security and investment firms have given to Senator Obama, and the $5 million they’ve given to Senator McCain. By giving them each a large amount of money, this guarantees that Exxon Mobil or Morgan Stanley will get the laws they want enacted and maybe even help them avoid prosecution when it’s discovered they cooked the books.

There have been many examples of this recently. For instance . . .

Ever wonder why lawmakers are so afraid to pass even modest gun control laws? It’s not because of people like you and me, who are able to bag bucks, squirrels, and turkeys without using armor-piercing ammo or a semi-automatic assault rifle. No, it’s because the National Rifle Association and its fellow gun-hugging organizations have handed out more than $17 million to federal lawmakers over the past several years, with the vast majority of that money channeled to Republicans’ pockets. Do gun-control advocates really think their paltry $1.7 million in contributions over that same time period is going to buy them quality gun-control legislation? Get real! We live in a free market economy where you get what you pay for, and $17 million sure buys a lot more political clout than $1.7 million.

And . . .

Thanks to a $300-million lobbying effort by the banking industry, then-Senator Phil Gramm authored legislation that repealed important federal banking regulations in the late 1990s and also cleared the way for the big Swiss bank UBS to gobble up its competition. The deregulation policies Gramm championed led to lax government oversight of investment banking, and many economists connect this to one of the biggest financial disasters in the country: the $200 billion sub-prime mortgage mess.

(Oh, by the way, after his Senate career, Gramm went on to become a Vice Chairman at UBS in 2002. He registered as a lobbyist in 2004, and has lobbied Congress as recently as 2007 on mortgage crisis legislation. He’s now one of Senator McCain’s top economic advisors, the campaign co-chairman. There’s speculation that, if elected, McCain would appoint him to serve as Treasury Secretary. But that was before Gramm said that the American people were “whining” too much about the economy. As this book goes to press, Gramm was still the co-chairman of the campaign but was running things from a spider hole in Alaska.)

You get what you pay for in American politics. All 25 bucks gets you is a guarantee that every presidential speech will end with that phrase that makes you feel all warm and gooey and patriotic: “God bless the United States of America!”

Cough up a lot more and you’ve got a front row seat at the trough.

Is it true Democrats drink from a sippy cup and sleep with the light on?

Debbi Steffen

St. Ignace, MI

ANSWER:
Yes. They’re a frightened bunch, and I’m not sure I know why. The American people handed them control of Congress in a stunning victory in November of 2006. Maybe that’s the answer: the Democrats were so stunned by actually winning for once, they still haven’t recovered.

So, yes, they still sleep with the light on. Some want you to read them a bedtime story and then read it to them again, and again. Others just want to hug their Barney dinosaurs and play “let’s be nice” with their Harry Reid action figures.

The Democrats have had nearly two years to cut off funding for the war—and haven’t. They’ve had nearly two years to stop the oil companies from gouging us—and haven’t. Their excuse is that, “Well, daddy will just veto anything I do!” Maybe daddy will, but your job is to be the voice of the American people, not do what daddy wants you to do.

The Republicans are the opposite of this. That’s why most Americans like them. Guts. Grit. No apologies. Stand up for what you say you believe in, no matter how crazy or wrong it is. The public finds something cool about that and thus would prefer to vote for someone who bravely stands for their beliefs as opposed to a party that backs down and wimpers every time we need them to do the right thing.

All we can do is hope that this childish behavior will change after the election. If not, we will just have to take their thumbs out of their mouths, turn out the light, and let them cry themselves to sleep.

OK, so our electoral system is a mess and the Democrats are a bunch of wimps. But America can still kick ass, right?

Fred Trimble

Stone Mt., GA

ANSWER:
Um, no. I mean we used to. And we’d like to think we still can.

But the truth is that we have turned into a bunch of sickly, clueless, useless wimps. If we were attacked tomorrow—I mean REALLY attacked—we wouldn’t know the first thing about defending ourselves. It’s a good thing we’re still clinging to 10,000 nuclear warheads, ’cause if our dirty little secret ever got out, we’d be doomed!

Two-thirds of us are overweight, and if we ever are invaded, just how long do you think we’d last in our Scooter chairs? The CDC predicts that one in three of our children—one in two of our Latino children—born in 2000 will become diabetic in their lifetime simply because of their poor diets and lack of exercise. Where oh where will we find the next group of healthy recruits for the next war?

In fact, having 45 million of one’s own people with no health insurance is not the best way to be prepared if you need to fight back. Shouldn’t the first rule of any homeland security policy be a fit and healthy nation—
just in case!
In other words, my conservative friends, don’t support universal healthcare because it’s the morally right thing to do—insist upon it to protect your own ass!

In addition to being too fat and too sick to defend ourselves, we have also turned into a bunch of wimps. A friend of mine was telling me how his son was only allowed to throw 38 pitches at his Little League game—because Little League rules these days limit how many pitches kids can throw
so they don’t hurt their arms!
Hurt their arms throwing a baseball? Do you think Al Qaeda is worried about their kids’ arms? Hell no!

This overprotection of our children has reached a fever pitch. Children are watched like hawks. Every minute of their day, including playtime, is scheduled by the parents. Every little sore throat could be pneumonia. Every C grade becomes the end of the world. And if they seem a little fidgety, give them a pill. If they seem a little rebellious, give them two pills. And if they are sometimes sad, get them to a shrink—quick. Whatever happened to “Go out in the street and play!”?

Out in the street, where there are . . . cars?

Yep. That street. Where we all played as kids. Sure every neighborhood lost someone, but it toughened everyone else up. Can you imagine Al Qaeda worrying about their kids playing in the streets?! Don’t let the terrorists win!

While more of us live in fear and keep guns in our houses because of some misbegotten belief that those guns will protect us from a “home invader,” fewer and fewer of us actually know how to accurately fire them. Hunting license applications are decreasing each year. Contrary to the perception that we are a nation of rednecks with gun racks on the backs of our pickups, the truth is most of us don’t have a clue as to how to properly fire a weapon at a screaming terrorist coming our way. We go to bed each night with the belief that enough of the poor in need of a job have signed up to defend us. Yes, the same poor people who are among the most unhealthy and out-of-shape and who haven’t seen a doctor in years, if ever.

Well, here’s the bad news: The military is having a hard time hitting its recruitment goals, and standards for new recruits are sinking to new lows. Gee, I wonder why? Starting unnecessary wars that send up to 100,000 kids home from the service without eyes, arms, and legs is not the best recruitment strategy.

Ok, so we can’t defend ourselves and we won’t have enough poor kids to do it for us—so what are we to do?

Here are a few ideas:

1.
No more play dates for the kids. Let them fend for themselves and make their own arrangements with other kids. Let them run loose around the neighborhood playing “Al Qaeda vs. Army.”

2.
Close down all McDonald’s. Make it illegal to sell a soft drink in a container that holds more than 8 ounces. Stop all corn subsidies and bring back good old-fashioned sugar (see Chapter 3 of this book).

3.
One hour of each workday becomes mandatory for exercise and firearms training. Rich bastards who wish to be defended against the impending Al Qaeda attack must pay to have their employees ready to defend them and their possessions.

4.
Shut down the Scooter Store. Unless you are paralyzed or severely disabled, you are to get up and walk, using your own two legs.

5.
Little League pitchers can throw as many pitches as they want until the coach pulls them outta the game. And when the game is over, the kids can walk home. In the street.

Mike, if I have to move north of the border after the next presidential election because McCain has won, what do I need to know about Canada and Canadians?