Miles From Home (11 page)

“When you were little you could eat that and more. You had such a healthy appetite,” she says, while we both sit and eat.

Over the next few days I spend a lot of my time alone. I sit on the dock by the lake behind the house every morning and evening. I find that the quiet and solitude is what I need in order to think about my life and the mistakes I’ve made and as the days go by, I become more and more convinced that the decision I’ve made is the right one. Aunt Virginia has been my rock during my stay. We’ve laughed, cried, and talked about how life is full of surprises. It may not always be fair, but how you deal with it is what’s important.

I hate saying goodbye to my aunt, but it is time I accept my fate and get on with my life. She made it clear that her home is my home and her door is always open. We hug each other goodbye and as I board the plane back to New York City, I have a whole new outlook on life.

As I unlock my door and pull my luggage inside, I feel an overwhelming need to talk to my friend Nadia. I needed to laugh, I needed to feel normal again. I immediately text her as I unload my bags.

Me: I’m home from my trip!

Nadia: On my way!

Just as I’m walking towards the front door I hear her knock. “It’s open, come in!” I yell, and she walks through the door with her usual exotic-looking smile on her face.

“I’m so glad you’re home! I’ve been so bored without you,” she says, pulling me into a hug.

“I missed you too.” I hug her back.

“Let’s go sit on the balcony. I need some fresh air.”

We get comfortable in our seats and I look over at Nadia and smile. “Nadia, I’ve made up my mind about the baby. I’m going to put it up for adoption.”

She nods and smiles. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“Yes, I’ve never been surer about it than I am right now. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and I know that’s the decision I can live with.”

“I’m glad you feel that way. I’ll be here to support you in any way I can.” I can tell there’s still something she wants to say.

“What is it Nadia? I feel like you have questions you want to ask.” I watch her as she stands and walks over to the balcony railing. I can see she’s trying to choose her words carefully.

“Maggie, does Sam know about the baby?” I walk over and stand next to her.

“No, he doesn’t. I know he’s in Chicago but I have no way of finding him.” I stand and look over the balcony rail. I look away, hoping to avoid the disapproving look on her face. I’ve told her how I feel about Sam; she knows it wasn’t just a one-night stand, but I still feel as though she may judge me.

“Well, you know his name, don’t you? Look him up on Google,” she says.

“I’ve tried. I spent hours on my laptop. Do you know how many Sam Austins there are in Chicago?” I say, shaking my head.

“There’s hundreds, if not more. Besides, it really doesn’t matter; he never contacted me after I left him in Chicago. He had my number, it was his choice.” Both of us walk inside and sit on the sofa and that’s the last of the conversation regarding Sam.

The next morning I get my computer out and start my search for adoption agencies. I pick the one closest to my location, Spence-Chapin Adoption Services. My hands shake as I dial their number. It rings twice and I hang up, throwing the phone on the sofa. I take a deep breath and dial the number again. It rings and a woman answers. “Spence-Chapin Adoption Services, how can I help you?” she says.

“Hi, I . . . I need to speak to someone about putting my baby up for adoption.” My voice cracks.

“Okay, what’s your name?” she asks.

I swallow, trying to hold down the lump that wants to form in my throat. “Maggie Taylor.”

She takes my name and number, telling me that a woman by the name of Nichole Hubbs will be in touch with me sometime this afternoon. I hang up and cry while I wait.

Twenty minutes later as I’m lying on the sofa, my phone rings. I look at the number and recognize that it’s the adoption agency. I take a deep breath and answer it. “Hello?” I say, sitting up.

“Hi, is this Maggie Taylor?” the woman asks.

“Yes, it is,” I reply, trying to calm my shaky hand.

“Maggie, I’m Nichole with Spence-Chapin Adoption Services. How are you this afternoon?”

“Hi, Nichole. I’m fine.”

“I’m calling about your inquiry about our services. Are you free to talk?” She sounds sincere, putting me more at ease.

“Yes, I can talk.”

“Maggie, I understand that you are pregnant. Am I correct?”

“Yes, I’m pregnant.”

“Have you seen a doctor to confirm it?” she asks.

“No, I took a pregnancy test a little over two weeks ago. It showed positive.”

“Okay. Well, Maggie, when are you available to come in? I’d like to set you up an appointment as soon as you’re free.”

“I am available anytime.”

“Okay, how about tomorrow morning? Is 9:30 a good time?” I can hear the tap-tap-tap sound of her keyboard as she types in my info for the appointment.

“Do you need directions to our office?” she asks.

“No, I have the address. I should be able to find it.” She confirms the appointment time and the address. I push end call and run to the bathroom before I throw up.

I arrive at Spence-Chapin Adoption Services at 9:20 a.m. and as I sit in the lobby, I watch several couples come and go. I assume they are couple wishing to adopt. I can’t help but notice one couple in particular; they look to be in their early thirties, professional, and extremely nervous. I watch as she anxiously looks at her husband each time the office door opens and I feel sad, maybe for them, maybe for me, I’m not really sure. At 9:32 the door opens and a tall blonde woman who looks to be in her mid-fifties calls my name. When I stand I feel every eye on me, judging me as I walk through the office door.

Once I’m seated, the woman introduces herself. “Hi, Maggie, I’m Nichole Hubbs. Can I offer you something to drink? Some water maybe?” I nod and she hands me a cold bottle of water from a mini fridge next to her desk. My heart begins to pound as I sit and watch Nichole sort through papers on her desk and I feel as though I may be nauseous.

“Okay, Maggie, I have several questions I’d like to ask you. Are you okay with that?”

I nod my head and say, “Yes.”

“First I need to tell you that we require all of our clients to make an appointment with one of these doctors.” She hands me a sheet of paper with several doctors listed on it.

“You can pick from any of those on the list. If you prefer a female doctor, there are some on the list as well.” She watches me as I look over the list and smiles when I look up at her.

I sit for what seems like hours as she goes through the list of questions, mostly about my health and family. She asks about everything ranging from what diseases run in my family to if there were any mental health issues. The one question I knew was coming and was dreading was about the father of the baby. I cringe and hold my breath when she looks up, waiting for me to answer.

“It was a one-night stand.” I start looking down at my hands. “He doesn’t even live here in New York.”

She looks at me sympathetically and writes down my answer while I try not to breakdown. When she finishes my paperwork, she tells me to call as soon as possible to make my first doctor’s appointment. She asks me to let her know as soon as I do. My legs are shaking as I stand to leave. She smiles and shakes my hand, but I can’t get out of there fast enough; something just doesn’t feel right. I start to doubt if I am making the right decision.

I slowly walk down the sidewalk as people rush past me, barely seeing through my tears as I make my way home. I feel numb and I’m desperate to get to my apartment so I can crawl into my bed, in hopes this will all go away when I wake up from this horrible dream. The next morning I wake as my cell phone rings; it’s Sydney. I’m hesitant to answer it. It’s been been almost a week since we’ve talked and I’m not sure I’m up to talking, so I roll over and ignore it.

The next day I pick a doctor from the list and make an appointment. They can see me the same day at four o’clock. At first I wasn’t nervous about seeing an OB/GYN, I’ve seen one before, but by the time I got into the examination room I was sweating and feeling nauseous. I stare at the ceiling as Dr. O’Daniel does his examination and explains to me the things I should and should not be eating or doing while I’m pregnant. I take the papers and pamphlets the nurse hands me as I walk to the receptionist to make my next appointment in one month. On my way home, I call Sydney.

“Hey, girl, have you forgotten about your best friend?” she says, answering.

“Of course not. You know you are completely unforgettable.” I smile as she rambles on about how I’ve neglected her. “I’ve just been so busy. I’m really sorry I haven’t called,” I say, feeling guilty.

“It’s okay, I’ve been busy too. Hey, I got a full-time position at the law firm.” she says, excitedly.

“That’s great! Now you can get serious about finally going to law school.”

“That’s my plan,” she adds. I pause before saying goodbye, hoping that I can find the nerve to tell her about the baby.

IT’S BEEN A month since meeting with the adoption service and Nichole calls regularly to see how I’m doing and if I need anything. She’s always bright, cheerful, and friendly. It’s almost nauseating. I really think she’s just making sure I haven’t change my mind. Two months later Nichole calls to tell me there are several couples that have expressed interest in meeting me. She says she would like for me to come in and look at their profiles so I could pick which couples I’d like to meet and interview. When I hang up I have a sick feeling again as I keep replaying those words in my head. Interview. Interview. I start to question myself. Am I seriously going to “interview” a couple to take my baby? To raise it and love it like it’s their own? How can they love something that Sam and I made? How am I going to get past this and move on knowing my child is out there and another woman is answering to mommy! I wail as I fall onto my bed and clutch the pillow to my chest. I sob and yell into my empty room. “I need you, Mom! I need you to put your arms around me and tell me it’s okay. Please God, help me. Tell me I’m making the right decision. Just make this pain in my heart go away!” I sit up and throw my pillows across the room; I feel so much anger and heartbreak at this very moment. “I hate you, Sam!” I scream. “I hate that you’re not here and I’m left to deal with this alone. How could you do this to me, Sam?” I lie on the floor and cry. I cry until I have no more tears left.

I stand in the shower and slowly rub my hands over my belly, it feels fuller, swollen. And after I finish I stand in front of the full-length mirror in my bathroom. I turn to the side and my heart jumps. I can actually see that there’s a bump, a baby bump. I stare as I lightly brush my fingers over my small extended belly and I rush into my room to grab my phone.

“Maggie, sweetie, how are you?” my aunt says when she answers.

“I can’t give it up, Aunt Virginia, I just can’t! I don’t want anyone else raising my baby,” I say, softly weeping.

“Maggie, sweetie, calm down. It’s going to be okay,” she says, comforting me. “You have something inside of you that you will love and cherish one day. This is your baby, Maggie, and if you want to keep it, I’m with you one-hundred percent.”

“I’m not sure I can do this alone. I’m scared,” I say to her.

“Come home, Maggie. Come live with me. I’ll help you,” she tells me, and finally, for the first time in months, I feel like I can breathe. I exhale and smile knowing that I don’t have to do this alone.

As I lie in my bed trying to sleep, thoughts keep racing through my head. I toss and turn until I finally get out of bed and go out onto the balcony. As I look down at the busy streets I think of the call that I have to make to Nichole at the adoption agency. I think of the couples that I will be disappointing because I won’t be interviewing them, how this is just another attempt at parenthood that will fail them. I sit on the balcony and watch the sun when it comes up as I start another chapter in my ever-changing life.

I dial the agency’s number as my hand shakes. I hate to disappoint Nichole but I’ve made up my mind. She answers on the first ring. “Hello, Nichole,” I say. “I’m calling to tell you I’ve changed my mind; I can’t go through with the adoption.” I say it as fast as I can, hoping it lessens the sting.

I hear her exhale. “Maggie, are you sure that’s what you want?” she says, sounding irritated.

“Yes. I’m one-hundred percent positive. I’m sorry for any inconvenience I may have caused and I’m sorry if I’m letting anyone down with this decision, but it just didn’t feel right.”

“Maggie, it’s okay, this isn’t the first time we’ve had a mother change her mind. It’s just something we deal with on a regular basis,” she says, sounding defeated once again.

“I just want to thank you for everything,” I say. She wishes me luck and we say goodbye. Over the next hour I make several calls. The first is to my realtor, Marissa. I need to let her know that I will not be renewing my lease and that I will be moving out on November 15, which will leave two months on my lease.