Authors: Elissa Harris
M.I.N.D. (23 page)
Life, the Universe, and Tilt-a-Whirls
“Watch it!” Vardina yells from the passenger side. “You're going to crash!”
Hello? They're bumper cars. Electric slam-mobiles. Isn't that the point?
Whiz!
There goes Zack, flying by on my right. Okay, not exactly flying, since cruising is about as fast as you can go. Not that I'm complaining, since I finally get to drive. Unfortunately, these slam-mobiles are the only things I'll ever get to drive, at least until I can control my M.I.N.D.
Zack's in his usual haute couture, baggy jeans and a stained T-shirt. And, of course, he's wearing his cap. Sitting next to him, Stephanie is in one of her Band-Aid miniskirts, screaming at him to go faster. He veers around and rams us, practically jolting me out of my seat. Newton's Third Law of Motion: For every push or pull in nature, there's an equal and opposite reaction. The next thing I know, my slam-mobile is spinning around, but Vardina and I are still going in the same direction. A metaphor for life, perhaps? Well, here's another one: Did you know that if you turn the wheel all the way, you go in reverse? By the way, in less than a week I'll be a junior and I'm seriously considering taking physics.
I've been working all summer at a day camp. Ethan was supposed to be a counselor at a sleep-away camp in Maine, but after what happened, he decided to stay home and work in his father's pharmacy. I never pictured him as the camping type anyway. Not that I can see him stocking shampoo and makeup. No, he's the mad scientist type, without the wild hair.
He wants to take a year off from school, but his parents are fighting him. They don't want him to put his life on hold. I think they're right. Except I just got a boyfriend and he'd be leaving. Though to be honest, it's really not that bad, since he'd be home most weekends. And then there's Thanksgiving. And Christmas. My birthday, his birthday, my junior promâ¦Yale is less than two hours away, right?
Just thinking about Ethan makes me smile. I smile a lot these days. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I find myself smiling for no reason at all.
Boyfriend,
I repeat to myself. My new favorite word.
Suddenly all the cars come to a stop. Stephanie climbs out and sways over to Vardina. “Ready?” she says, twirling a lock of her hair.
Vardina smiles shyly. “We're going to the haunted house,” she says to me and Zack. “Wanna come?”
Zack laughs. “How old are you, ten? Nah. I think I'll go on the Ferris wheel.”
I roll my eyes. “You're a wild man, Zack. Live dangerously, I always say.” I smile at Vardina. “You two go on without me. I have to meet Leanne.”
Yes, Leanne and I made up. The thing is, we might be very different, but we go back a long way. But it's not just a shared history that gives our friendship its glue. We balance each other. She gets me to try new things, and I keep her grounded. Like that blue streak she put in my hair. It only lasted three minutes before I begged her to wash it out, but at least I tried. As for keeping her grounded, last week when she threatened to become a monk, who do you think reminded her of the vows of chastity?
When Amanda died, Leanne fell apart. She couldn't stop sobbing for days. She'd never really believed it would happen. I knew the moment Amanda's heart stopped beating. Actually, I dreamed it. She died just before dawn, after Brendan was arrested. No one took her off life support; she simply slipped away, with Ethan and his parents by her side.
Now when I dream about Amanda, I feel a sense of comfort, like when I dream about my father and we're stargazing in the yard, his arm around my shoulder. Do the dead come back to us in dreams? Who can really know? All I know is this: Amanda is at peace. My father, too. I know it because I feel it. And I trust how I feel.
Stephanie fingers something at the bottom of Vardina's T-shirt, and Vardina blushes. As I watch them walk away, Stephanie slips her hand around Vardina's waist.
Which explains a few things, like why Stephanie turned into a zombie that day in the cafeteria. And, of course, Vardina. Seems she had issues other than her mother. Sometimes it's not easy knowing your own mind. Believe me, I know.
Cora Wood's “Furious Friends” pounds inside my purse. I take out my ancient flip phone and read the text:
am here! meet me at the tilt-a-whirl!
The tilt-a-whirl is a perfect example of chaos. You never know what's coming, but what comes is dependent on the conditions that precede it. Plus, it can make you nauseous.
Seriously, though, I've thought about this a lot, these past weeks. Not about the tilt-a-whirl, obviously, but about why things happen. Bad things, specifically. Sure, sometimes malice is involved, like in that hit-and-run, but sometimes an accident is just an accident, no matter what precedes it. Deer along the road, a cry of delight, a slippery deckâsometimes no one is to blame, like that day on the boat.
Casssie's New Rules for Living: Do what you can, accept what you can't, and don't put on lip gloss in the house of mirrors.
“Look what I won!” Leanne says at the tilt-a-whirl. She hands me a pendant on a chain. “All I had to do was break a few balloons. Look familiar?”
It looks exactly like the locket I found in my backpack. The one that got washed away in the falls, along with Amanda's phone. The locket Rose's father had won for his wife at the mall carnival, on that fateful Saturday.
I open it in my palm. Just like I thought, inside is a picture of a rose. These carnivals are pretty much all the sameâsame rides, same games, same prizes. But the locket had been special to Rose's mother. “Your name is now the closest thing to my heart,” she'd said to her daughter. She told me this and more, that day I went to see her. Rose had believed that the picture had appeared out of nowhere, just because of her name. She'd believed in magic, her mother said. And happily-ever-after.
I fiddle with the clasp. I can see how easily it could come undone, say, for example, in a collision. How the locket might fly through a shattered window, then land by a guardrail in a heap of glass and earth.
They were coming from the carnival when Brendan rammed into them. It was a late night for Rose, who was fast asleep in her car seat. In her arms was the yellow teddy bear. Her father had won it for her at the same arcade he'd snared the heart-shaped locket.
I picture Amanda crawling out from behind the deflated airbag in the stolen Porsche. I picture her staggering over to the guardrail, staring into the canyon. Brendan scrambles after her and pulls her away, and I picture them trudging through the woods, back to his car.
You have to turn around! We have to go back!
I still wonder, was it Brendan who picked up the locket, or was it Amanda? Maybe the real question is, why did she keep it? To remind her of her guilt? Morbid curiosity? I'd like to believe something else, that she'd had a premonition. That somehow she'd known it would be important. And it was. It was the locket that started the wheels turning in my mind. I still don't know how it landed in my backpack. Was Leanne right? Did someone find it on the floor of the bus and assume it was mine? Or was something else at play? Call it boo-loony if you want, I don't care. I guess I believe in magic too. And yet, it was never the locket that had Brendan worried. Finding it around my neck was just a bonus. No sense giving the powers-that-be something else to mull over, after discovering my body in the river.
I give the duplicate back to Leanne. “So where do you want to eat?”
“Anywhere but here,” she says, wrinkling her nose. “These carnivals are so tacky. Later, we can watch a movie while I give you a makeover.”
“I can't, Leeny. I'm seeing Ethan later. I told you, remember?”
“I would think my best friend would want to console me,” she says all huffy.
I sigh. Everything with her is such a drama. “What happened now?”
“I just saw Josh.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, âand'? I saw him. Isn't that enough?”
“Leeny, do you have regrets?”
“No, of course not. I just wish I'd broken up with him
after
prom. I had the dress and everything.”
“Look, why don't you come with us to the rehab center? We're going to visit Jason. Ethan has a new book on gravity he wants him to read.”
Her eyes light up. “You mean the skydiver? That cute frat guy? I'd go tandem with him in a heartbeat.” But then she pauses. “Actually, I'll pass. I think I'll fly solo for a while, you know?”
I nod. It must be really hard for her. She was with Josh a long time. But yeah, I know. You can't live your life like it's not your own.
***
Hey, Cass. It's me, Amanda. I know you can't hear me, considering how I don't have a voice, but I'm pretty sure you'll get this message. It's funny how things drop into our minds. It'll probably come to you in a dream, all messed up like a jigsaw puzzle. But somehow I know you'll figure it out. It's the sleuth inside you.
First off, I want to thank you. You are my hero! But then, you've always been fearless. Don't laugh, it's the truth. You just didn't know you had it in you. Now don't take this personally, but can you not think about me? I just can't get used to the poofy hair.
Kidding! Being a free spirit sure has its perks, but unfortunately, jumping's not one of them. Besides, that's my brother you're kissing. Ew. Justâ¦ew.
But seriously, Cass, this jumping thing is a double-edged sword. So the next time you find yourself smiling for no reason at all, be careful, okay? You might not be as alone as you think you are.
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