Mindf**k (11 page)

TRACK 30

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The house suddenly felt like a cocoon, warm and suffocatingly dense with the silk threads closing in tighter around me.

I tried not to move my head too much. Perhaps it would help to get rid of the headache, I thought. I knocked back a few pain pills. Don’t know how many. I just tipped the bottle in my mouth and swallowed. When they didn’t all want to go down at once, I drank more water straight from the tap.

A pain was now burning in my stomach. But it was okay. At least now I knew what I had to do.

Why I had to do it.

I wondered if the car I’d stolen was still at the garage. Fuck, I hope nobody found it there.

‘Chris.’ It was Kelly. ‘Are you going somewhere?’

‘It’s got nothing to do with you.’

‘Chris, look at me.’ I heard her gasping. ‘What’s wrong? You look like you came back from the dead.’

No shit, hey.

‘Are you feeling okay?’

‘Yeah, I’ll be fine.’

Something inside me wanted to laugh at those words. I’ll be fine. Damn, when? And will I? Will things turn around?

‘Tell mom I left. I’m not coming back. She needn’t worry. And tell dad that I’m
sorry about mom and the other guy.’

‘What?’

‘Kelly, I can’t talk to you right now. I’m in a hurry, okay?’

She grabbed me by my sleeve, pulling me back.

‘You’re going nowhere. Look at you. You’re soaked, Chris.’

‘Could be from the pills.’

‘Which pills did you take?’

‘Headache pills.’

‘Bullshit, headache pills don’t make you sweat.’

‘Perhaps a few of them would.’

‘How much did you take?’

‘Dunno. Just leave me alone now, will
you? I have to get away. Kerbs and Sky are on their way. They …’ No, wait, I shouldn’t tell her.

‘Kerbs and Sky? Who are they?’

‘You know.’

‘No, I don’t know. What the hell is going on with you?’

‘They were my buddies.’

‘Chris, you don’t have buddies.’

‘Yes, I do. Had. Kerbs and Sky …’

‘Damn, it’s happening again. We have to get Mom.’ Kelly’s face looked scared.

‘Leave Mom out of this.’

‘No, Chris, Mom has to come and help.’

‘No!’ I shouted. My head ached.

‘Chris, calm down. It’s happening
again.’

‘What? What the fuck is happening again?’

‘The things you see, Chris.’ Her voice softened, eyes wide. ‘You know … like last time.’

I kept staring at her, then she said: ‘Kerbs and Sky don’t exist, Chris. You don’t have buddies. Remember? Everyone at school … they’re afraid of you, Chris. Because you were in that hospital.’

‘Hospital?’

‘The fucking loony bin, Chris!’

The words struck me like a deadly blow, slamming me back against the wall.

TRACK 31

Proof

No, no, no. It couldn’t be. Kerbs and Sky did exist. They were real people. Just like me. Just like Kelly.

I tried to understand what she said, but the puzzle pieces in my mind didn’t fit together, as if they were jammed into the wrong spaces, jutting out angularly and skew. Making up a senseless picture of a life in turmoil.

‘Chris?’ said Kelly. Far off. ‘Chris?’

‘I don’t believe you.’ The saliva formed webs in my mouth. I swallowed it down. The pain still throbbed in my temples.

‘I’ll show you,’ said Kelly.

I raised my head. She was scared too.

‘Let’s go look them up. We’ll take my bike.’

I straightened up. Yes, I’d show her. Then she’d see. Kerbs and Sky were real people.

We had barely got on the scooter that Kelly called a bike, when I suddenly realised that I couldn’t go with her. I leaped off the bike.

‘Now what?’ Kelly’s voice was irritated.

‘I can’t go.’

‘Damn, Chris, get on!’

‘They’re going to kill me, Kelly! I can’t.’ I screamed at her: ‘That’s why I need to fucking get away! They’re going to kill me!’

‘I want to help you, Chris. Trust me.’

‘No.’

‘Trust me.’ Her eyes stared at me, pleadingly. ‘You don’t have to go in, you can stay outside. I’ll go in and look.’

Trust me, trust me, trust me.

She sat on the bike, waiting for me.

I had to decide. She was right, I could hide away. They didn’t have to see me.

I got back on the bike.

We drove to Sky’s house first. It wasn’t far from ours. I made Kelly stop at least a block away from the house. We didn’t speak a word as we made our way up the road. She was a few steps ahead of me. I watched the heels of her shoes. They click-clicked on the road, rhythmically counting down the seconds. Like the beat of a song.

We reached the house, big and white. Now she would see. Then she’d believe me.

I stayed outside the yard, kneeling behind a tree. A car drove past. The driver stared at me. I turned my face away, the smell of the leaves filling my nostrils. I shifted forward to keep Kelly in my view. She marched up the driveway, ascended the stairs to the front door. Knocked and waited.

A woman opened the door. It was probably Sky’s mother, but she seemed different. (Were they back from abroad?) She probably had a facelift.

I saw Kelly talking to her. The woman shook her head. No.

Kelly came back. Head lowered. I followed her down the street. She stopped when we were out of sight of the house, turned around.

‘Chris, she said she’s been living in that house for thirteen years. There’s never been anyone like that there. She doesn’t have any children.’

Every word was like a machete hacking off a piece of my body. Pieces of flesh dropping on the road behind me. Dogs sniffing at them, devouring them.

We drove to Kerbs’ flat near Naval Hill. Kelly got into the old elevator. The metal gate rolled shut. Then the wooden door. Through the small window of the elevator I saw her leaving the ground floor, totally disappearing from view. I strode out to the inner court. After a while Kelly appeared in the corridor on the fourth floor. She hurried on over to the flat. Number 408. I only saw a part of her hair sticking out from behind the brick balcony, her head was turned away to the door.

She was probably knocking.

I waited.

She came walking back. That was quick. Too quick.

I waited for her at the lift. When the gate opened, she stood there with folded arms in
the dim yellow light.

‘The place is empty.’

No! I’ve been inside that flat myself. It wasn’t empty. It couldn’t be. She probably didn’t bother taking a decent look. I rushed inside the lift. I needed to see for myself. Kelly had lied to me. Fuck, I hated her.

My fingers trembled. I looked for the right floor button but was unable to find it because I couldn’t think straight. I pressed them all.

I saw Kelly crying.

The elevator stopped on every floor. My heartbeat increasing each time, the anxiety constricting my throat.

4th Floor.

I almost fell out the door, stumbled down the passage. Kerb’s door came into view. It was olive green. I banged on the door. Continuously. Someone had to open.

‘Look through the window,’ said Kelly.

I looked. There were no curtains in front of the windows. The place was empty.

I knocked again. He had to be there.

‘Kerbs!’ I cried out. ‘Fuck, Kerbs, open up!’

‘Shut-up!’ someone shouted from the floor below us. ‘I’m working nightshift and I want to sleep!’

‘Kerbs! Kerbs!’

‘Shut-up! I’ll call the landlord!’

‘Come, Chris.’ Kelly’s voice was soft. She started walking back.

‘No, I’ll phone him. You can speak to him. Then you’ll see. Maybe I’m just at the wrong place, my head is so messed up. Kelly, wait.’

I took out my cell phone. Searched for
Kerbs’ number. I couldn’t believe I shook so much.

The phone rang on the other side. Someone answered.

‘Kerbs? Is that you?’ I held the phone so that Kelly too could hear. She wanted proof. I would give her proof.

‘Kerbs?’

‘There isn’t anybody here with that name,’ the voice said on the other side. A man.

‘You’re talking shit, man. I’ve spoken to Kerbs before. On this number. I’ve sent him SMSs too.’

‘Are you the guy who keeps sending me those SMSs?’ His voice turned angry. ‘If I find you I’ll fuck you up. You just go on and on with the bloody things. I’ve let you know before that you’ve got the wrong number but you don’t listen. You just won’t stop.’

‘But this is Kerbs’ number.’

‘There’s no Kobus or Kerbs or whoever the hell around here. Do you hear me?’ The line went dead.

Kelly placed her arm around me. She had difficulty getting me back into the elevator. Together we watched the light counting down the floors.

4-3-2-1.

Lift off.

TRACK 32

In the end it's all lies, isn't it?

Kelly placed her arm around me when we made our way back to the motorbike. I brushed it from my shoulders.

‘Just leave me the fuck alone!'

‘We have to tell Mom.' Her voice was almost drowned out by the noise of a car that raced past. ‘She would know what to do –'

‘No. Leave Mom out of this. She'll take me back to that place. I don't want to go back, Kelly. I'm done with everything.'

‘What do you mean?' She kept quiet for
a while. ‘You're not going to do something stupid, are you?'

I knew her eyes searched mine for an answer. I deliberately turned my head away. I didn't know what I was going to do.

‘Chris, promise me you –'

‘I'm not promising one fucking thing, okay? Why should I make any promises?'

The anger in my body now mixed with anxiety. And self-hatred. And emptiness. Like a toxic drink hitting my bloodstream.

‘You don't understand, do you, Kelly? They're my friends. Do you have any idea for how long? And now I find out that they were only in my head. How the fuck am I supposed to know what is real and what is not? How do I know you're standing in front of me? How?' I stepped closer to her. ‘Perhaps I'd know if I touched you. But what if my mind only thinks that I am touching someone, but it's not real? What if my mind is lying to me about it too?'

I stood right in front of her, raising my hand. ‘Perhaps I should slap you? Maybe it would prove to me you're real if I felt my hand burning. But my mind could be lying to me again and I might only be imagining my hand burning. Perhaps I would only imagine you turning your head away, crying. Do you see? I don't know anything. I can't believe anything.'

Kelly came closer again. I could tell that she didn't know what to say anymore. But she cried. And again she tried to put her arms around me.

‘If you touch me again I'll beat you up, Kelly. I don't care if you're my sister or not. Leave me alone.'

She turned white with fear, stepped back immediately. I cried. And I didn't try to hold back the tears anymore.

‘Go home, please. Leave me.'

For the very last time I looked up at the brown building that stood hidden behind
the trees. And I wondered if it really was there. And how much of the things that I have seen never really existed.

‘I have to tell Mom,' I heard Kelly call from behind as I walked away.

It probably didn't matter anymore.

I trudged on. The tar road was coarse beneath my sneakers. And the further I went, the more it felt as if a part of me was out of step. As if, slowly but surely, it marched on ahead of my body. And maybe it would break loose. Any moment now. All I had to do was wait. Because if it finally succeeded in breaking loose, it would all be over.

And then death would come.

Mercifully.

But it did not come.

In the end it was all just lies.

Then came the thought: if Kerbs and Sky were all in my mind … was there really a Partygirl?