Mindsight (26 page)

‘You know you were writing to Mr Hillier?’ he said.

‘Yes and I’ve done that. He should have got it by now.’

He pulled up a chair and sat down, leaning across the table at me and passing me a scrap of paper. ‘Well, he’s in the Cumbria area phone book and I’ve found his number. So there’s no need to wait for him to write back. We can ring him.’

That was the last thing I wanted to think about. ‘But he’ll only just have got the letters.’

‘I know, that’s why I think we should put some pressure on him. And, Mum, I’ve been thinking about that DVD and I really want to see it.’ I tried to speak, but he rushed on. ‘I promise I won’t get upset, but I might spot something you’ve missed.’ He looked at me, his eyes sparkling. ‘Is that OK?’

I tried to speak slowly, to calm us both. ‘There’s something I need to tell you before we even think about doing anything else.’

He sat up, completely alert again. ‘What?’

I didn’t tell him about Dad and Lorna, there was no need, just what he had told her about my parentage. Tom listened calmly enough, nodding when I said Granddad must have had an affair with my birth mother and had invented the story about Romania to cover it up. ‘So Granddad was my real father and your real grandfather,’ I said.

Alice had obviously been listening in because she came behind Tom and put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it as she smiled at me. ‘And that also means your mum and I are actually sisters and you, my lad, are my genuine nephew.’

He twisted to look at her. ‘So you’re really my aunt? Hey that’s cool.’ He jumped up.

‘Where are you going?’ I said.

‘To get my phone, tell Mark.’

He bounded upstairs and Alice laughed. ‘Well, that went all right. And to think we were so worried.’

I got up and started to fry the onions and garlic I’d chopped earlier. ‘He hasn’t realised what it could mean, though. I still have to find a way to explain how it changes everything.’

‘But not yet. Leave it to sink in for a few days.’

I added the mince and spoke above the splutter of frying. ‘He might work it out for himself, of course, and that would probably be for the best.’

‘Yes, and it’s got to be easier if he’s had time to think it through when you do explain it fully to him.’

‘What have you got to explain to me, Mum?’ Tom’s voice booming out made me jump. His arms were crossed and his look fierce. Alice glanced at me, but didn’t speak.

There was nothing for it. A tiny noise from Alice suggested she might want me to hold back, but I had promised to tell him the truth. I took a deep breath and leaned against the worktop. ‘It’s great we’re a real family, and I’m so happy about that but, according to Lorna, my dad was planning to tell me the news around the time of the wedding.’ Seeing him about to say something I spoke quickly. ‘If he told me such incredible news during the reception, then I might have been really upset and that could explain why I took those pills, which is the one thing I’ve never understood. ’

He moved restlessly. ‘But why would you be upset?’

The pan behind me spluttered fiercely and I moved to stir the meat and turn down the gas. ‘Because he’d kept it a secret for so long. You see, it would have meant so much to me, when I was younger, and to Alice as well. And he could have told me years before.’

‘So …?’

Alice took a can of tomatoes from the cupboard. ‘Come on, Tom, leave it now. There’s plenty of time to talk it all through.’

‘Mum?’ His arms were crossed again, his face set.

I moved towards him. ‘Do you remember what I said that day in the woods when we talked about all this? I told you drug addicts can go back to their old ways after years and years, if something bad happens.’ I was aware of Alice behind me, tipping the tomatoes into the pan and grinding in salt and pepper.

I knew she thought I should leave it, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted so much to see that bitter look gone from Tom’s eyes. ‘It would have been a huge shock to learn that everything I’d thought about myself, and where I came from, was a lie. And it was just the kind of thing the police thought must have happened.’

His face became harder, hands clenching at his sides. ‘So I suppose that means you’re giving up. Not even gonna try and remember anything else? Well fine.’ He headed for the stairs, turning back at the bottom to call to Alice, ‘And I’m not hungry.’

I watched him go, longing to run after him, to force him to understand, but he was gone, and when I looked back at Alice she shook her head. ‘Best leave him for a bit.’

When the food was ready we called him, but he didn’t answer. Alice told me again to let him be, but I went up and knocked on his door. ‘Tom, will you come down? I have to go as soon as we’ve eaten.’

There was no answer.

Stella took one look at me next morning and gestured to the little back room. ‘Look,’ she said, closing the door, ‘whatever’s happening in your life is none of my business and I knew when I took you on that you might find things difficult, but it’s obvious you’re not coping.’

I explained I was having problems with Tom and promised to pull myself together at work, although I knew my weary tone was unlikely to reassure her.

She rubbed my forearm. ‘I know what kids can be like – you wouldn’t believe the trouble I had with Harriet when she was that age. But, Clare, this business is my livelihood, and my daughter’s, and I can’t afford to carry passengers. You started so well, but we can’t go on like this. Please try to focus a bit more while you’re here.’

I managed to bite back my tears and gave her a nod and some kind of smile, and we left it at that. She was out most of the day and it was quiet, so I got through it somehow.

Back at the house, on the hall table there was a handwritten letter addressed to
Mrs C. Glazier
, and when I turned it over I saw it was from Mr Hillier. I ripped it open as I walked inside.

I was still taking the single sheet of paper from the envelope when I looked up and noticed the room: the books on the floor, the upturned chairs, the scattered cushions.

For a moment I was confused. How could this have happened? A piece of furniture or a heavy book falling and causing some kind of chain reaction? A seagull trapped in the room? Finally my brain jolted to life again. I’d been burgled.

The flat was silent and I went round every room, checking that all the windows were closed and locked. Nothing else seemed to have been touched and eventually I began tidying the living room. I wasn’t going to call the police, so fingerprints and other evidence didn’t matter. And it looked as if they hadn’t taken anything, just made a mess. For some reason this upset me even more.

There was a scrunched up ball of paper in the middle of the sofa and when I flattened it out I saw it was Tom’s list of questions for Mr Hillier and Jacob Downes, thrown from where I’d left them by the laptop. I felt a surge of anger that anyone should tamper with his stuff and took the paper to the bedroom, putting it into his folder in the drawer.

It was then I realised something
was
missing – Emily’s wedding video.

The phone rang and, while I was looking for the handset amidst the mess, Alice’s voice cut in sounding tight and high. ‘Clare, are you there?’ When I answered she said, ‘Oh thank God – it’s Tom. After last night I told him to come straight home from school, but he’s not here. I’ve rung his friends and apparently he left school after registration and none of them has seen him since. He’s not come to you, has he?’

‘No, he hasn’t. Have you called the police?’

‘Not yet, it’s too soon.’

‘He’s only thirteen.’

‘I know, but he’s done this a couple of times before and that’s what they’ve told me. I shouldn’t worry, Clare. I’m sure he’ll be back when he gets hungry. Just stay where you are in case he comes there and I’ll try to think of anyone else I can ring.’

I wanted to ask why she hadn’t told me about his disappearances, but this wasn’t the time. We agreed we would both stay where we were in case he came to either place. ‘I’ll call you if he’s not back by dark,’ she said.

She had more patience than I did, and when I heard jazz from upstairs I knocked on Kieran’s door. He was obviously just out of the shower, wearing only a towel around his waist, his hair wet and standing up in jagged points, but I was too anxious to be embarrassed. My face must have told it all because he asked, ‘What’s wrong?’

When I tried to turn away, apologising for my bad timing, he was having none of it. ‘Stop that now,’ he said. ‘What’s happened?’

I told him and he sent me back down, promising to do a careful drive around. Alice rang and said Mark’s dad was doing the same in their area, with Mark advising him where to look.

I could do nothing except peer from the windows of each room in turn and pace the floor, my whole body clenched. After a few minutes of this I could stand it no longer and knocked on Nic’s door.

‘What’s up? You look awful,’ she said.

I explained about Tom. ‘He lives with my sister and he’s disappeared.’

‘I’m sure he’ll be all right, darling. I mean we’ve all been teenagers, haven’t we?’ I thought of my teenage years and how lucky I was to survive them,, and almost laughed. It would have been a miserable kind of laugh, however, because by now I was really panicked.

It was all my fault. Of course Tom was vulnerable. When he talked about Toby it was clear he was carrying a huge burden of guilt. And I had done nothing to help him.

I called Alice and she said she had rung the police, but doubted it would be a priority for them. When Kieran came back he said he’d take a walk through the town and check all the arcades, the funfair, and the cafés. He told me to ring his mobile with any news, otherwise, he would keep looking.

It was near midnight when I heard him in the hall, but my surge of hope was short-lived. He was alone, looking exhausted. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, following me inside.

The phone rang.

‘He’s here,’ was all Alice said, and I sank onto the sofa, a throb deep in my chest. I managed to ask if he was all right and she told me he was, her voice sounding as drained as I felt, and we agreed to leave anything else till morning.

It wasn’t until Kieran said, ‘I’ll get it,’ that I registered the tap on the door. As I heard him talking quietly to Nic, I felt a huge weight descend on me. I just wanted it all to stop.

Then Kieran’s warm hand was on my neck and I stood and moved into his arms. After a while I looked up and kissed him. His hands cupped my face, and his lips were gentle, but I pressed hard against his mouth. My hands moved down his body, the solidity, the pressure of him against me, making me frenzied, desperate to wrap myself around him, to have him with me, in me, right now.

He pulled back and looked into my eyes, but I didn’t want to look at him, just to have him filling that aching emptiness. I pulled him towards the bedroom.

Chapter Twenty-One

‘Clare, are you sure?’ Kieran asked.

I didn’t answer, didn’t want to talk, and when I kissed him again, he began to pull at my trousers and thrust me back onto the bed. I kicked my legs free and, just like that, the desperate need disappeared and I looked down from a great distance at my naked legs, made ridiculous by the sock hanging from one foot. He was still fully clothed, his face concentrated, very dignified in contrast to me with my sweatshirt rucked up to reveal a pallid stomach.

I pulled myself up to sit on the edge of the bed, unable even to look at him.

He knelt in front of me. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘It’s not you … I’m sorry.’

He looked down at my feet and, with a smile, pulled off my sock and kissed my foot very gently. I shivered and he pulled the duvet around me. As he turned to go, I caught his hand.

‘Please, Kieran, stay.’

He lay beside me, outside the covers, and I rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was strong and steady and I focused on listening to it, thinking of nothing.

After a while he started to talk. And it was the kind of talking you might do after you’ve made love. A rambling account of his life, his breakdown, and his hopes for his photography. I said nothing, but he seemed to understand that I was happy just to listen. Eventually he told me how worried he was about his mum. ‘She was diagnosed just a few weeks after Dad died – cancer too. So she thought that was it. But they caught it in time and she’s been fine. Until now, when it’s come back with a vengeance.’

‘I’m so sorry. And I’ve been bothering you with all my problems.’

His answer was to kiss me and, as I pressed closer, he pulled back the covers. He looked steadily at me as I took off the rest of my clothes. But when I felt his warm skin against mine and looked up into his green gaze it was suddenly Steve’s grey eyes I saw. I turned away, feeling the tears slide from under my closed lids as I muttered, ‘Sorry, I’m sorry,’ again.

Kieran touched my shoulder and I turned back to look at him. He stroked my wet cheek. ‘You’re thinking about your husband,’ he said. I could only nod and close my eyes as they filled up once more. Kieran kissed my cheek and the corner of my mouth where I could taste the salt of my tears. ‘He would want you to be happy.’

I shook my head.
I killed him, I killed Steve. I don’t deserve happiness.
But when Kieran kissed me this time I felt myself respond.

Our lovemaking was quiet and gentle, as if our bodies already knew each other.

Afterwards, suddenly shy, I turned away again but he held me close: the length of his body pressed against mine, his face buried in my hair. The bedroom curtains were open and the sky looked faintly milky with a suggestion of dawn; only this moment existed: my body in a state of peace, my skin humming from his touch.

I spoke to him, then, about what Lorna had told me and how it might explain why I’d taken those pills; about Tom’s reaction to the news and even what I had told no one else: the details of those flashes of memory.

After a while he lifted my hair to kiss the back of my neck, and sat up. ‘I don’t want to move; want to stay just like this,’ he said, ‘but I’m starving.’