Mine to Lose (5 page)

“You’re right.” He stands up and takes my
hands to help me up. He pulls me close and brushes my hair out of my face
before looking down at me. “We can do this, Em,” I nod, turn my head into his
chest and breathe him in as though it’s the last time. When we finally break
apart, I decide to shower, and properly fix myself up.

“Wanna grab something to eat?” He
questions when I turn to leave the room. The mere suggestion elicits a loud
growl from my stomach.

I smile the first genuine smile I’ve
given him since our blow up the other night. “Yeah, just let me take a shower,
and I'll be ready to get out of here.” I start walking to our bedroom and stop
when I feel him just behind me. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going with you to take a shower,” he
explains, as if it makes complete sense.

“I don’t recall inviting you,” I counter,
with a raised brow.

“Well, actually, your little tease did earlier.
So yeah, I’m taking a shower with you.” He looks at me and gives me the same
gorgeous smile I fell in love with. “You started it.” He throws his hands up
signaling there is no choice, so I turn my back to him and continue walking. As
soon as I get to the bathroom door, I remove the t-shirt I had put back on and
concede defeat with a grin.

The rest of the weekend flowed and in the
end, Ryan and I seemed to be in a better place. Are things perfect? Of course
not. Do I still have my concerns about him leaving? I wish I could say no, but
a year is going to be so hard. Part of me wishes I could pack up and follow
him, but it doesn’t seem realistic.

Despite the weekend shenanigans, I was
able to shoot out a few emails and finally got a hold of Mr. Miller about his
corporate event. He responded and informed me that my contact, Sandy, was no
longer employed with them. Until he finds a replacement, I’ll have to send
everything to him, but he seems pretty agreeable to everything I’ve sent so
far. I’m happy that I can show up to work this morning and report to Elle that
everything is going smooth with the client.

“How did your weekend go?” Cam asks when
she passes my desk.

“Started out shitty,” I say looking at my
screen before facing her. “But it ended up pretty good.”

“So you finally talked to him?”

“Yeah,” I admit. “We had a good talk. We
haven’t figured everything out yet, but at least we’re both trying.”

“Good,” she says as she takes a seat. “So
what did you call so late for?”

“Shit,” I chastise myself, “I’m so sorry.
I meant to call you Saturday and tell you about it. But Ryan was there, and it
was a little hard to talk. Long story short?” It’s rhetorical, so I continue. “Went
home, Ryan was there; we left. Went with Joss to a club- got drunk, danced,
Ryan showed up and took us home.”

“How did he know you were there?”

“Sometime that night, Joss either called
or texted and told him where we were.” I shrug because I still haven’t talked
to her to find out what happened, but she probably doesn’t remember anyway.

Cam laughs as I recount the evening but
seems more satisfied that Ryan and I are communicating. She hasn’t met him yet,
but I think she might be our biggest fan. “Are you two better now?”

“Getting there,” I add. “He wants me to
fly out to San Diego with him this weekend to help him find an apartment.” The
thought of him leaving physically hurts me.

“Of course you’re going, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll head out on Friday. We spent
yesterday looking at some places online, so he’s narrowed it down to a few.”

Cam is quiet when she returns back to her
work and I can only imagine what she’s thinking. At twenty-six, she’s already
been married and divorced; I don’t know the circumstances under which her
marriage ended. As I’m about to start making some phone calls, she speaks up.
“Em, I really hope that you and Ryan do everything you can to make it work. If
you try and fail, at least you know you did everything you could. There’s
nothing worse than living with the fact that you know you gave up too easily.”
And just like that, she dives headfirst into work.

I’m stunned into silence, because I know
there is more to that statement than she’s saying. Maybe someday she’ll trust
me enough to share, but I won’t push her. I have work to distract me from my
fears and concerns, and for that, I am grateful. The phone rings just in time
to snap me back to reality.

“Elle E. Grant Events, this is Emogen.
How can I help you?”

“Just who I was looking for,” the strong
voice announces on the other end of line. “This is Trey Miller. We’ve emailed a
few times over the weekend.”

“Hello, Mr. Miller,” I respond, frazzled
as I try to pull his file out of my bag. “I was just going to call you about
some of the venues I have found for your event.”

“That’s great.” His voice is muffled as
he speaks, as though he’s covering up the receiver. I assume that he’s talking to
someone near him, which gives me enough time to open the file so I’m prepared.
When he speaks again, his voice is clear as he turns his attention to me. “Listen,
Emogen, I have a couple more that I’d like to take a look at. I’ll be out of
town this week, but can you meet with me next Thursday?”

Without even a quick glance at my
calendar, I know that I’m not free, that’s my last day with Ryan before he leaves
for good, and I’ve already taken the day off. “I’m sorry, I’ll be out of the
office. How about the following Monday?”

“That’ll be fine.” He sounds irritated to
be put off, but I already told Ryan I’d make the trip to San Diego with him to help
him move in.

“I can do it next Wednesday afternoon, if
that works better?” I add, trying to accommodate him.

“No, Monday will be fine,” he reassures
me, this time seeming less annoyed. “Ten good for you?”

“Yes sir,” I reply quickly adding, “I’ll
meet you at your office.”

I have so much left to do and local
businesses to meet with. I’m sure Mr. Miller will find these vendors to be
acceptable.

* * *

Driving to pick Ryan up from work so we
can head to the airport gives me time to think about the last few days. Ryan
and I have been together every evening this week. There is a desperate need to
cling to each other whenever possible, and I do nothing to change the heaviness
of that feeling. This afternoon we are flying out to California to look at the
places that we found online that he thinks will work best for him. I don’t want
to go with him, because the reality of everything will set in, but at the same
time I need to be with him. He booked our flight and said we would make a
weekend of it, but this isn’t the vacation I had in mind. Before I went to work
this morning, I had everything packed up and ready in the back of my car.

I wish the drive had taken longer,
because I’m not ready for this next part. But I arrive at the ARK Consulting
offices to see Ryan standing outside waiting for me. He looks so different from
the man I’ve been spending my evenings with lately. He appears polished and
sure of himself, whereas the guy I’ve been with is unkempt and laid back, two
things I love about our time alone. This man I’m looking at right now seems so
sure of himself, and this move away is killing me. I just wish he were as torn
up about this whole thing as I am.

“Hey babe,” he says, before leaning over
to kiss me, as he closes the car door.

“Hey,” is all I’m able to say back.

“Everything okay?” He asks as he furrows
his brow.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I lie. “It’s
been a long day and I’m just really tired.”

“Em.” He shakes his head. “You realize I
know when you’re lying, right?”

When I look at him, the grin on his face
is enough to melt me on the spot, but I cover well. “I’m not lying.”

“Alright. Whatever you say.”

The ride to the airport is thick with
things still unsaid and he seems as morose as I am. This should be a weekend
for us to find some common ground and expectations about what the next year
will mean to us. Instead, fear is keeping me from saying everything I want to.
The drive to the airport is short and after parking the car, Ryan dutifully
gets out and grabs our bags while I lock up. Walking side by side through the
airport, neither of us says a word, except the occasional “here you go” while
dealing with TSA or the ticketing agents.

I could kick myself, because up until
today things have been good. I suppose it’s the reality of what’s coming that
is making me act this way. It’s not fair to Ryan, especially when he wants to
know what I’m thinking. “I don’t like this, Ryan.” I look down at my hand
that’s twirling my engagement ring around my finger. “We’re going away to find
you a new home. Does that even register as strange to you?”

He shakes his head and scoffs audibly,
“Yeah, it’s weird. But it won’t be home. Home is our place. Together. This is
just a temporary arrangement.” He reaches for my chin to look into my eyes.
“Can we just try to think of it like that? Enjoy this weekend together? I have
a few things planned.”

Surprise takes over my bad attitude and I
try to play along. “What do you have planned?”

He reaches for my hand, brings it to his
lips before kissing it, and gives me a quick wink. “You’ll see.”

During the two-hour flight, Ryan and I
don’t talk much about his impending move, choosing instead for a lighthearted
conversation about my sister, Langley. She met some guy last month and every
time I talk to her, she does nothing but gush about how great he is. I’m so
glad that she found someone, because it annoyed her that her little sister was
settling down before her.

With everything that’s been going on between
Ryan and me, I have been a poor excuse for a sister, something she pointed out
numerous times. I’m not sure where they met, but she said that on their first
date, he kept making her laugh and complimenting her. But her favorite part was
when he reached out and held her hand; I think she used the word
fireworks
.
I doubt she’s getting ready to make any big moves with this guy, but it’s nice
to hear her so happy. Lang and Ryan had an instant bond and he agrees that
hearing her so fired up over this new guy is entertaining.

“Maybe he’s
the one
,” he says with
air quotes while laughing.

When I feel the conversation is about to
return to talk of us, I opt to focus on the past, not the looming future. I
rest my head on his shoulder before I speak. “Do you remember that night we
went to see Mumford and Sons?”

“Which time?” he asks nudging his
shoulder, clearly teasing me.

“Last year. When it rained.”

“Yeah,” he says, wrapping his arm around me.
“How could I forget? We were drenched and you were freezing.”

I let out a small laugh, snuggling closer
to him. “Yes, but I’m talking about after.”

“Oh, you mean when you made me stay there
well after the show ended so you could try to see the band?”

“Hey!” I sit up objecting. “It could have
happened. They had to leave at some point.”

“True. But you forgot there were multiple
exits. Figures you chose the one they wouldn’t use,” he teases as he hugs my
body next to his.

I sigh and close my eyes, feeling as
though I could drift to sleep. “Well, that was the night I knew I wanted to
marry you. I thought, anyone who would do that, even though he doesn’t like the
band himself, has to be a keeper.”

“Still feel that way?” When he asks, I
swear there is a hint of worry in his voice for what my answer might be.

“I’ll always feel that way.” No other
words are spoken, he kisses me and I relax, dreaming of a world where Ryan
isn’t leaving and there are no unspoken words.

* * *

As we land in San Diego, I feel as though
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Ryan has a rental car waiting
for us, and the drive to the hotel shouldn’t take too long. I try my best to
keep a positive attitude and not worry about tomorrow or even a week from now
when he leaves. The apartments we’re looking at all have vacancies, so it’s
just a matter of seeing which one he likes the best. By the time we fly out on
Sunday, Ryan will have a new home.
Without me
.
In California.
The
area is familiar to him because he summered here growing up, but to me, it’s
another world.

“Are you hungry?” he asks, breaking
through my sad thoughts.

“No, I’m good, but if you want to stop,
that’s fine.”

“I talked to the agents this morning, two
of them said they could see us at four o’clock. Is that okay with you?” I nod
in agreement. Pull the Band-Aid off, I think to myself. Without another word,
he turns out of the car rental facility and hops onto the freeway, heading to
parts unknown.

The drive to the first complex is only
twenty minutes, but he doesn’t even bother to stop because the place looks
pretty rundown. It looks nothing like the pictures online and I can tell he’s
disappointed because if the next one is as bad as this, we’ll have to start
from the bottom. Fortunately, the next apartment is down the road and when we
pull up to the leasing office, I can tell he already likes this place. The complex
appears to be older, but it has been maintained really well.

The leasing agent greets us when we walk
in and extends her hand to Ryan. “Mr. Tate, I presume?”

“You must be Reese,” he greets her
warmly.

She smiles and picks up a phone that
begins ringing nearby. “I’ll be right with you.”

While she’s taking care of that, we walk
around the leasing office and check out a few of the amenities. I can tell Ryan
is happy with what he’s seen so far.

“Would you like me to show you the unit,
or would you rather look at it alone?” Reese asks as we walk toward her.

“I think we’re good.” He looks at me and
I nod in agreement. “Just point us in the right direction.”

Hand in hand, we walk down the sidewalk
to the apartment, and I’m surprised at how much larger this one is compared to
our place back home. I’ve always heard rent in California is expensive and the
places are small, but then again, his company is paying for this place. It
appears to have been renovated recently, because the updated faux wood floors
and granite countertops look new. The cabinets, carpet and paint are all muted
brown hues and the place screams ‘bachelor pad.’ There’s a twinge of jealousy,
or maybe insecurity, seeing where my soon-to-be husband will live alone for the
next year.