Miss Impractical Pants (2 page)

Christopher breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Katie felt the deeper meaning in his words. Checking the emotion rising in her throat, she nodded, unable to meet his eyes.

“I mean it, Kate. It’s really important to me that you’re a part of this day.” He took a step closer. “Even though I’m getting married, nothing’s going to change—you know that, right?”

Katie gave him a tight smile. “Yeah, I know.” She wanted nothing more than for him to be right, but she knew he wasn’t. How could things
not
change?

As if he could read her mind, because he usually could, Christopher put his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look up at
him. “I’m sorry you and Heather haven’t been able to meet in person before today. But trust me—the two of you are going to be great friends.”

She was confident Christopher really meant that, but she wasn’t confident he was right. “I’m sure we will. Heather seems really great.”

He pulled her into a satisfied hug,
then
released her.
“So, you happy to be here?”
His grin stretched from one ear to the other.

“Of course I am.” Her smile hadn’t relaxed any. “I wouldn’t miss your wedding for anything.” She fidgeted beneath the pressure of his cockeyed stare-down before he broke into a laugh. Jared gaped at him as if he were not only rude, but also insane. But Katie took it all in stride.

“What? I am, I promise.”

“You’ve always been a crappy liar.” Christopher
chuckled
the rest of the way to the car.

Katie flipped open Rhett Butler’s tailgate and a heap of clothes fell out onto Jared’s foot. Pushing aside another mound of wardrobe, she hoisted herself backward into the cargo area and rummaged through an open brown duffle bag that resembled an overstuffed baked potato. Retrieving a packet of wet wipes, she cleaned her hands and nose then found a dry pair of socks.

“Kate, what is all this?” Christopher sorted through the pile of bikini tops, board shorts, long thermal underwear, and an ultra-thick neoprene farmer john wetsuit Jared had retrieved from the snow and replaced inside the vehicle.

“I’m going scuba diving tonight—in that thermal lake past Pagosa Springs.” Katie snatched the bikini top that dangled from
Christopher’s forefinger. “I wasn’t sure what to wear scuba diving in a thermal lake in the middle of the winter—bathing suit or wet suit.”

“But you have four seasons’ worth of clothing back here.”

“At least I’ll be prepared.”

“It’s too dangerous to dive so late at night. That’s a long drive from here.”

Katie rolled her eyes. “Relax. I’m just leaving tonight and we don’t dive until first light.”

“Who are you going with?”

Mother Hen finally makes his appearance!
Draping her damp socks over the backseat, she put her boots back on and hopped out of the car. “Listen, Mom, don’t you have enough to worry about tonight? She slammed the tailgate shut. “Just because you’ve decided to move back home doesn’t mean you get to have input in my life.”

“Someone has to guide you. You don’t have parents anymore.”

Katie could almost feel her confidence deflate into an uncomfortable wad at the pit of her stomach.

Jared cast
her a
sympathetic look. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he spoke in a solemn tone that seemed more practiced than sincere.

Katie laughed out loud. “Who are you, FBI?”

He beamed. “Not yet. Soon, I hope.”

“Katie’s parents aren’t dead, Jared,” Christopher explained. “They’ve just retired from parenting.”

“Oh brother,” she sighed. “I don’t need parenting—I’m old enough to take care of myself, thank you very much.”

“Yeah, but they retired when you were in the seventh grade,” Christopher snorted. “And I hate to break it to you, Kate, but you’ll never be old enough to take care of yourself.”
             

             
“Whatever.” Turning to Jared, she wondered exactly how much Christopher had told him. “I guess Christopher’s told you my story?”

Jared squirmed as if he had an itch he couldn’t scratch.
“Sort of.”

“Well, let me fill in the rest of the details.” Why not? Obviously Christopher didn’t have a problem sharing Katie’s personal life with people who didn’t know her—so why should she withhold? “I was an accidental baby, born eleven years after the younger of my two brothers. By the time I was thirteen, both my brothers had already finished college, and, unlike Christopher, didn’t bring their wives back home to live. Instead, they moved to different corners of the country to build their lives. With the two boys raised and gone, my mother decided it was time to take a break from child rearing. So, she sent me down the street to live with Christopher’s family while she and my father spent six weeks in Australia. They loved it so
much,
they cashed in some of their investments and bought a townhome on the Gold Coast.” She flipped a strand of hair behind her shoulder. “Anyway, they’re not big fans of the snow, so they spend the winters in Australia and sometimes come back to Colorado for the summers.”

Jared looked impressed. “So, I guess you’ve spent a lot of Christmases in Australia? What was that like—not having snow at Christmas?”

What is he, an ask-it basket?
Katie pelted Christopher with the evil eye. “Well,” she began once she’d acquired an apologetic look from Christopher, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve only been there a couple times, and never for Christmas. I mean, with the school breaks being so short, it was better to just spend the holidays at home with the Evans’.”

She gave Christopher a playful but not gentle punch in the shoulder. “Why are we out here discussing my dysfunctional parents when yours are inside, unsupervised and alone with the soon-to-be in-laws?”

The rosy color drained from Christopher’s face. Without another word, he placed a death grip around Katie’s wrist and took off, towing her at warp speed, leaving Jared to close up the car and bring in the precarious, soggy box of bowling balls.

Katie took a moment to enjoy the warmth of the wedding hall. Then, she took in the calm—it was
too
calm. That’s when she heard Sheila stalking from the room. She recognized the threat of Sheila Evans’ clipped steps to stomp over anyone foolish enough to stand in her way. Katie remembered the sound of that determined gait from long ago, when she and Christopher were still in high school. They had returned home just in time to witness Sheila slap divorce papers on the kitchen table and march out the front door in pursuit of her Hollywood career.

Katie shook herself free of the memory in order to concentrate on Heather’s well-being. Upon further survey of the room, she spotted Heather, sitting alone on the steps of an old wooden staircase, the centerpiece of what seemed a giant satin bundt cake. A tight pucker in her forehead revealed that she was straining to keep her eyes open far too wide. It was the face of a woman trying her hardest not to cry.

Katie looked to Christopher for direction. Mouth open, mouth closed, mouth open, mouth closed was all Christopher offered.
Typical.
She had to do something. Sheila was carrying a full head of steam, Heather was looking like Shell-Shocked Barbie, and Christopher was suffering a case of paralysis by cowardice. Katie made a quick triage of
the situation. Where had Sheila gone?
She would have to be found and contained.
Christopher was useless.
He was just going to have to grow a pair.
Nothing she could do to help there. So, she went to work on the most critical problem.

As a woman who couldn’t apply foundation to save her life, Katie noticed Heather’s exquisite makeup. To have a face that perfect would have cost a fortune or taken hours to apply. Either way, tears would be a catastrophe. Katie pried the twisted wedding program from Heather’s hands and fanned the bride’s face. She spoke in confident, reassuring tones.

“Hi Heather, it’s nice to meet you at last. I’m Katie.”

Heather nodded, inhaling an unnatural, long breath. “That outfit. Did you see what she was wearing?” she whimpered.

Katie took hold of Heather’s cold, trembling hand. “Listen, I know you think your soon-to-be mother-in-law is a crazy shrew…and you’re right—she is.”

“Katie!” Christopher found his voice. “You’re not helping!”

“
Shhh
!”
Katie demanded. “Let me finish. She’s about to take the biggest step of her life. She deserves to understand her mother-in-law is a diva.”

The
wary
bride seemed to be studying Katie. “Thank you.” Squeezing Katie’s hand for support, she turned to Christopher with imploring eyes. “Is it too late to elope? She’s evil.”

His eyes glistened and his words still failed him.

Katie felt a surge of panic as she pictured Heather bolting out the door and Christopher giving her the silent treatment for the next forty years. “She’s not evil—far from it,” she counseled with much more calmness than she felt. “The woman took me in and raised me
like a daughter. That’s not evil. Sheila’s become a whack-job, sure, but you will grow to love her. Once you get past her Hollywood-induced eccentricities, you’ll find she’s still a very lovable person.”

Heather gave an unbecoming snort.

“Okay, well, you’re going to
like
her—eventually. Until then, take comfort in the fact that if Christopher’s mother played a significant role in his life, you would have been exposed to her bitchy tendencies long before today.”

Heather nodded as if Katie’s logic made sense.

Katie pressed on. “
Listen,
let me handle things with Sheila. I was raised by Crazy—before she turned crazy—and I’m sure that’s just an extended mid-life crisis. Anyway, I’m used to dealing with her.”
I don’t know how to manage her, but I am used to dealing with her.

Biting her lip, Heather finally broke out into a welcome, though unexpected, laugh. “You’re on. If you can keep her under control tonight, I think I’ll worship you even more than Christopher does.”

Heather’s acknowledgment was as artless as if it came from a friend, not an angry Bridezilla. Katie chuckled. “I’ll take on that challenge. You and Christopher enjoy your special day—I’ll do my part to clear away the obstacles.”

“Thanks, Katie. And not just for running interference—I couldn’t have planned this long-distance wedding without you.” Heather’s smile was truly sweet. She could see Christopher being happy with a woman who smiled like that.

“My pleasure.”
Katie was happy to find she actually meant that.

Christopher squared his shoulders and took a step toward Heather. “So, what has my mother done?”

“If she didn’t like the dresses I chose for the mothers to wear, she should have told me before today. Instead, she insists on wearing something way different. More than inappropriate—it’s hideous!” Heather zeroed in on Katie with expectant eyes.

Damn. She’s really going to hold me to this.
“All right, I’ll go talk to her. Where is she?”

“She’s in the groom’s room, with Jim.”

Katie spun around to Christopher and met his bug-eyes.