Miss Kraft Is Daft! (2 page)

Mrs. Jafee sat down, and Dr. Brad stepped up to the microphone.

“We have been having a lot of behavior problems lately,” he said. “Students have been yelling and running through the hallways. Kids are talking back to their teachers. There have been food fights and riots. This is
not
the way children are supposed to behave in school. So we're starting a program to improve behavior and teach respect here at Ella Mentry School.”

Dr. Brad sat down, and Mr. Klutz stepped up to the microphone. He has no hair at all. I mean
none
. Mr. Klutz's head is really shiny. They could use it to signal ships that are lost at sea.

“BOGS stands for Behave or Get Suspended,” said Mr. Klutz. “I've tried to be kind to you children, but it didn't work. So from now on, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. Students who misbehave will be suspended.”

Wow! I remember when Mr. Klutz was a good guy. One time I got sent to his office for bad behavior, and he gave me a candy bar. That was cool. Now he's all mean.

“I expect exemplary behavior at Ella Mentry School,” he continued, “and that is all I have to say. I will be checking in on your classrooms regularly to see how you're making out.”

“Ewwwwwww, disgusting!” I shouted. “Mr. Klutz said ‘making out'!”

“QUIET!” roared Mr. Klutz. “Enough of that foolishness!”

We had to walk a million hundred miles back to class in single file. Everybody was being really quiet. Nobody wanted to get in trouble with Mr. Klutz. I looked around for Mr. Granite, but I couldn't find him.

When we passed the front office, our school nurse, Mrs. Cooney, pulled me out of the line. She is beautiful and has eyes that look like cotton candy. One time she wanted me to marry her, but I couldn't because she was already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney.

“A.J.,” she whispered, “please tell your class that Mr. Granite went home for the rest of the day.”

“Is he going to be okay?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” said Mrs. Cooney. “He only has a cold.”

I ran to catch up with the rest of the class. They were just going into our room, and everybody was still on their best behavior. Even the guys folded their hands on their desks and kept their feet on the floor. It was weird.

“Where's Mr. Granite?” Neil the nude kid whispered to me.

“Mr. Granite has a cold,” I whispered, “so he went home for the rest of the day. Spread the word.”

Neil turned around and whispered to Emily. “Mr. Granite is old, so he went home for the rest of the day.”

Emily opened her eyes really wide. Then she turned around and whispered to Ryan. “Mr. Granite is old, so he went to a rest home,” she said.

Ryan leaned over to whisper to Michael. “Old Mr. Granite was put in a home for the rest of his life.”

Michael turned around and whispered to Andrea. “Mr. Granite was put in an old-age home to rest until he's dead!”

“MR. GRANITE IS DYING?!” shouted Andrea.

Suddenly, everyone started yelling, screaming, crying, and freaking out.

“But Mr. Granite is so
young
!” wailed Michael.

“He was such a good man!” groaned Neil the nude kid.

“I need to speak with a grief counselor!” screamed Emily.

“Why? Why? Why?” everybody was moaning.

Kids were weeping, holding their heads, and wiping their eyes. The girls were talking about what they were going to wear to Mr. Granite's funeral.

That's when Mr. Klutz came running into the classroom like his hair was on fire.
*

“What's the matter?” he shouted. “Is someone hurt?”

“Mr. Granite is dying!” yelled Andrea.

“No he's not,” said Mr. Klutz. “He has a cold, so he went home for the rest of the day. Who told you that he's dying?”

Ryan looked at me. Alexia looked at me. Michael looked at me. Emily looked at me. Everybody was looking at me.

“A.J. told us that Mr. Granite is dying!” Andrea said, pointing at me.

“I did not!”

“You did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

We went on like that for a while until Mr. Klutz clapped his hands together:
CLAP CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP.

Five claps means “shut up.” Nobody knows why.

“Remember what I said about your behavior,” said Mr. Klutz as he left the room. “If you kids can't behave, some of you are going to be suspended. I'm not fooling around!”

You know what it means when your teacher gets sick? It means you get a
substitute
teacher!

Yay!

Having a sub is cool because you don't have to do work or learn anything. You can do whatever you want. It's too bad teachers can't be sick
all
the time. Then school would be fun.

I pulled out a comic book and put my feet up on my desk. This was going to be the greatest day of my life.

But you'll never believe who ran into the door at that moment.

It was a lady dressed up like a clown and riding a unicycle! She ran right into the door!

“Ouch!” said the clown lady as she got up off the floor. “That hurt!”

Everybody laughed, because it's always hilarious when people crash into things and fall down. Nobody knows why. If you ask me, there should be a TV station that shows nothing but people crashing into things and falling down all day long. That would be cool.

“Hi boys and girls!” the clown lady said. “My name is Miss Kraft.”

“Are you a clown or a teacher?” asked Andrea.

“Both!” said Miss Kraft. “I'm a clown
and
a teacher. We're going to have fun and learn at the same time!”

“That's impossible,” I said.

“Don't be a Grumpy Gus!” said Miss Kraft. “Watch
this
! What's two times one?”

“Two!” we all shouted.

Miss Kraft put her hand up to her face. Then she pulled a red handkerchief and a blue handkerchief out of her nose.

“And what's two times two?” she asked.

“Four!” we all shouted.

Miss Kraft pulled four colorful handkerchiefs out of her nose.

“And what's two times three?” she asked.

“Six!” we all shouted.

Miss Kraft pulled
six
colorful handkerchiefs out of her nose. It was amazing!

“WOW!” we all shouted, which is “MOM” upside down.

“How did you fit all those handkerchiefs in your nose?” asked Ryan.

“Easy!” said Miss Kraft. “I took my brain out.”

She reached into her pocket, and you'll never believe in a million hundred years what she had in there.

A brain!

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”
everybody screamed, even the guys.

Emily, the big crybaby, was hiding under her desk.

“What's the matter?” Miss Kraft asked her.

“I'm afraid of clowns,” Emily said, whimpering. “Clowns are creepy.”

Well, she's right about that. Clowns
are
creepy. Nobody knows why.

“There's nothing to be afraid of,” Miss Kraft said. “Would anybody else like me to take out their brain?”

“Me! Me! Me!” shouted all the boys.

Miss Kraft went over to Michael and put her hand on the back of his head. When she pulled it away, she had
another
brain in her hand.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

Emily freaked and went running out of the room. Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.

“You should take out A.J.'s brain, Miss Kraft,” said Andrea. “He never uses it.”

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“Yeah, take out my brain!” I said.

Miss Kraft came over to me and put her hand on the back of my head. When she pulled it away, she had a
third
brain in her hand. Then she threw all the brains up in the air and started to juggle them.

“Look!” said Miss Kraft. “I'm juggling brains!”

Clowns are weird.