Missing (49 page)

Jacqueline took a breath and held it deeply inside her.

Kelsey’s eyes were showing how afraid she was now, while in the hall Miles struggled with the urge to go and sweep her into his arms in an effort to protect her from the rejection he knew was coming.

‘Not now,’ Jacqueline finally replied. ‘Another time.’

Miles’s eyes closed in despair. If he thought he could force something out of Jacqueline he’d go in there right now and do it, but he knew from bitter experience that it was useless even to try. She’d lost the ability to discuss her feelings not long after she’d lost her son, and it was going to take a lot more than this period alone to bring it back.

‘So where have you been since you left?’ Kelsey suddenly asked, the stiffness in her tone hiding the hurt of being rebuffed. ‘You still haven’t told me.’

Jacqueline swallowed hard and brought her head up. ‘I’m renting a house in Richmond,’ she said, on a shuddering breath.

Seeming surprised to have received an answer, Kelsey regarded her coldly. ‘So are you going to like, stay there, or are you coming home?’ she went on, her expression saying she couldn’t care less either way, when Miles knew very well that she could.

‘It is my home now,’ Jacqueline said.

Kelsey flinched, and tightened her jaw as she turned
to
stare at the window. ‘Can I come to see it?’ she asked shortly.

Outside Miles felt his hands clench. If Jacqueline turned her down he was going in there to shake the damned woman back to her senses, because surely to God she must realise by now how desperate Kelsey was for them to have some kind of relationship – and how willing she was to try, in spite of how little her mother deserved it.

The silence dragged on until finally Jacqueline said, ‘Yes, if you’d like to.’

Miles unravelled with relief.

‘Really?’ Kelsey asked, clearly amazed. ‘When?’

‘Uh – soon.’

‘Why not now?’

‘Well, I’m not sure Dad will want you to, and I think this might already have been enough for you for one day.’

‘I’m not a child.’

‘I know, but this isn’t easy for me either. In fact, I should probably be going—’ She broke off as the door opened and Miles came into the room.

‘Talk to her,’ he said angrily. ‘Tell her why you’ve been the way you have all these years. Explain how you’ve felt. For God’s sake, give her something.’

Kelsey’s eyes went from her father back to her mother.

Jacqueline was staring at Miles, but in her mind’s eye she was seeing the candles. The flames were liquid and white with golden halos and dripping stems. She could feel their warmth, even smell their scent. It was all right, she told herself, it wasn’t difficult. She could do this – and wasn’t it why she’d come?

When finally she turned to Kelsey she looked into
her
eyes and felt the words starting to form, like rain in mist. Kelsey appeared worried and kept glancing at her father, but neither of them said anything, only waiting for Jacqueline to speak. ‘After what happened to Sam,’ she began quietly, ‘I felt I didn’t deserve you, or that if I allowed you to come close I’d lose you the way I lost him. I was terrified of it happening again. I thought perhaps there was something in me that would make it happen.’

She swallowed and inhaled shakily, but her resolve held firm. ‘I’ve spent years being afraid of something that it turns out I had no need to fear at all,’ she said, and the focus of her eyes became blurred as her gaze started to drift. ‘I’ve always been terrified of Dad finding someone else and having a son,’ she confessed. ‘I thought if he did then Sam wouldn’t matter to him any more, that he might not even want him to come back. I just couldn’t bear … I couldn’t allow it to happen, and I was prepared to go to any lengths to stop it.’ She paused and took a breath. ‘But now it has happened, and I … It’s not anything like I expected.’

Miles met Kelsey’s eyes, and seeing how anxious she was, he gave her a look of reassurance.

‘At first, I kept waiting for the anger to kick in,’ Jacqueline continued, ‘but it didn’t. Instead, it was as though a terrible weight was being lifted from me. It was strange. I didn’t understand it, so I put it down to shock, or denial, and felt certain that once it passed I’d be as angry and afraid as I’d always expected to be. Then it finally dawned on me that it wasn’t going to happen, and more than that, I started to realise that the reason I seemed lighter inside was because I wasn’t feeling guilty any more for depriving Dad of his son, and you of your brother.’ Her eyes refocused as she
returned
them to Kelsey. ‘Not that Rufus can ever take Sam’s place,’ she said earnestly, ‘it would be wrong even to think it, but he’s a new life, an innocent child you’ll both love and cherish in a way that will help to put the past where it belongs, and bring you a lot of happiness in the future. It’s what you both deserve, and I’m not going to stand in the way of it any longer.’

Not knowing what to say, Kelsey looked at her father again. He was watching Jacqueline and realising, in a way which she possibly didn’t, that as comforting and sincere as the words might have been, she had effectively put Rufus between Kelsey and Sam. She still couldn’t share her lost son with her daughter, and he wondered if a day would ever come when she might.

‘Dad and I should have gone our separate ways a long time ago,’ Jacqueline told Kelsey. ‘He’s more than ready to let go of the past, but I can’t, and actually I don’t want to.’

Kelsey was staring hard into her face. ‘So what,’ she said, ‘you’re going to live on your own from now on, pretending, like you always have, that Sam will come back?’

Jacqueline shook her head. ‘No, that’s not what I’m going to do. As I said, I’ve seen the way forward and I don’t think it’s going to be anywhere near as hard a path to take as I’d feared.’

Miles’s face darkened as Kelsey shifted uncomfortably. ‘So what about if I want to come and live with you?’ Kelsey challenged.

Jacqueline looked surprised. ‘What, and leave Dad?’ she said. ‘I don’t think that’s what you want.’

‘He’s going to have Vivienne. And
Rufus
.’

‘But I’ve already told you, they won’t shut you out.’

‘And you will, is that what you’re saying?’

Jacqueline’s voice faltered as she started to answer. ‘No, I just know that deep down inside you don’t really want to leave Dad.’

‘That’s not good enough,’ Miles growled.

Jacqueline looked at him, and after a moment she nodded, seeming to accept he was right. ‘You can come and see me whenever you like,’ she told Kelsey. ‘We might … Well, who knows, we could even become friends—’ She broke off as Kelsey’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. ‘What is it?’ she said, thrown by the unexpectedness of it.

‘I don’t want you to leave us,’ Kelsey cried, using anger to cover her despair. ‘I want you to come home. I don’t even care if you go on being mean to me …’

‘Oh, Kelsey,’ Jacqueline murmured, and going to her she drew her into the first embrace they’d shared in years. ‘I’ve caused you far too much pain in your short life,’ she said. ‘All I want now is for you to be happy.’

‘Well, I can’t if you’re not going to be there, can I? I mean like I hate you and everything, but …’

‘This is just fear of change that you’re feeling,’ Jacqueline told her, cupping her face between her hands so she could look into her eyes. ‘But I promise it’ll all be much easier than you think. No more rows between me and Dad, or me and you. You—’

‘No!’ Kelsey cried, slapping her away. ‘You’re my mother. You can’t just walk out on me, it’s not fair.’

Catching her hands between her own, Jacqueline held them tightly to her chest. ‘I told you, you can come to see me whenever you like,’ she said gently. Then, with a smile, ‘We can start doing all the things we should have been doing.’

‘Such as?’ Kelsey sniffed suspiciously.

‘Well … We could begin by getting to know one another, finding out the kinds of things we like to do …’

‘Too weird,’ Kelsey told her.

‘OK, then maybe we could explore Richmond together. It’s changed quite a bit since I last lived there.’

Kelsey looked at Miles, seeming to need reassurance, and as he nodded she said, in a tone that made her words sound less friendly than they might, ‘Actually, Martha’s gran lives there. It’s supposed to be really cool.’

Jacqueline was smiling past the tears in her heart. ‘It is,’ she told her. ‘And think how much nicer it’ll be, if we’re not arguing any more.’

‘Yeah, well, I expect we still will sometimes, because that’s like only normal.’

‘Of course, but it won’t be the way it was before.’

Still seeming uncertain, Kelsey broke out of the embrace and went to stand with her father.

Turning to them, Jacqueline looked at Miles as though seeking approval, which he gave in the briefest of nods. Her eyes went to Kelsey, drinking in her young face. She couldn’t help wondering how like Sam she might be, but unless a miracle happened that was something none of them would ever know.

‘Would you like something to drink?’ Miles offered.

She shook her head. ‘I think I should be going,’ she replied.

He didn’t argue, because Kelsey had probably had enough for now.

‘We don’t have your address or phone number,’ Kelsey reminded her as she went to pick up her bag.

Jacqueline’s eyes went to Miles as she said, ‘I’ll write it down for you.’

‘I’d like to have a word before you go,’ Miles told her, and after checking to make sure Kelsey was holding together, he started down the hall.

Going to Kelsey, Jacqueline gazed directly into her eyes and made to touch her cheek, but at the last minute she drew her hand away. ‘We’ll talk again,’ she said softly.

‘Do you promise?’

‘I promise.’

As she followed Miles into the kitchen Jacqueline saw the notepad and pen he’d put out for her, so went to write down her address and telephone number.

‘The police want to talk to you,’ Miles told her quietly. ‘They need to know you’re safe.’

Jacqueline frowned. ‘But I’ve already told them …’

‘They need to see you, and I’ve said I’ll drive you there.’

She almost bristled. ‘I can go alone,’ she protested.

He shook his head. ‘I’m taking you.’

‘But you don’t have to. Vivienne’s waiting outside. She offered to drive me home after I’d spoken to Kelsey.’

His eyes held firmly to hers.

‘Are you really going to leave Kelsey on her own now?’ she challenged.

‘She can come with us.’

‘What’s the point, when Vivienne can take me?’

Picking up the address and phone number she’d written on the pad he read it through, before saying, ‘OK. Just make sure she takes you to Richmond police station on the way. In fact, I’ll call to let her know she has to do that.’

Jacqueline nodded agreement, then hoisting her bag onto her shoulder she went into the hall to put on her
coat.
To her surprise, as she slipped in her arms, the phone in her pocket started to ring. She began fishing for it until, realising who it was likely to be, she looked back down the hall.

Miles was watching her, his own mobile in his hand. ‘I wanted to be sure,’ he told her, and as Kelsey came out of the sitting room he cut the call.

‘I was thinking,’ Kelsey said, ‘why don’t we give Mum a lift home? Then we can see her house.’

‘Someone’s waiting outside for me,’ Jacqueline told her.

Kelsey looked puzzled. Her mother didn’t have any friends, or none that she knew about.

‘I’ll call you later,’ Jacqueline told her as she pulled open the front door. ‘Dad’s got my number, and the address.’

Kelsey watched her go out, then, unable to hold back her tears, she said, ‘But this is where you live.’

Either Jacqueline didn’t hear, or she wasn’t willing to respond, because the door closed quietly behind her, followed a moment later by the sound of the gate.

Going to take Kelsey in his arms Miles held her tight, resting his head on hers as she sobbed.

‘I didn’t wish her a happy birthday,’ Kelsey said, looking up at him.

Glad she couldn’t see the coldness that crept into his heart at the reminder of the date, Miles smoothed back her hair, saying, ‘You can give her a call.’

Kelsey nodded. ‘I know,’ she said, pausing halfway up the stairs, ‘I’ll send her a birthday text.’

Vivienne was on the point of taking Rufus for an early bath when her mobile started to ring. Seeing it was
Miles
she quickly clicked on. ‘Hi, how’s it going?’ she asked.

There was a pause before he said, ‘Please tell me Jacqueline’s with you.’

She blinked in surprise. ‘I thought she was with you.’

‘Damn,’ he muttered. ‘Damn. Damn. Damn. Where are you?’

‘At home. I dropped her in the square, like you said, then … What’s wrong? What’s happened?’

‘She left here a few minutes ago, saying you were waiting to drive her home. I knew I should have gone with her to check, but Kelsey was upset … I don’t suppose the police are still with you?’

‘No. They’d already left by the time I got back.’

‘Did they leave any names, numbers to contact them?’

‘Yes, I have them right here,’ Vivienne replied, grabbing the phone pad.

After jotting them down he said, ‘I’ll call you back,’ and the line went dead.

A few minutes later the phone rang again. ‘The police are sending someone to check the address she gave me,’ Miles told her. ‘I know the phone number works because I’ve tried it. She’s not answering now, though.’

‘How did she seem when she left?’

‘It’s hard to say. Not her normal self, that’s for sure. No hysterics, no scenes or threats, but she could be taking a different medication that’s keeping her calm. What’s bothering me is that she talked about wrong paths and seeing the way forward … Were it any other day of the year I might be willing to believe she’d done some adjusting to losing Sam …’ He took a breath and let it go slowly. ‘How did she seem to you?’

Wishing she could reassure him, Vivienne said, ‘To
be
honest, she gave me the same impression as I think she gave you. Did you tell the police how worried you are?’