Missing the Big Picture (18 page)

Rich was able to get to third base on the last day of junior year in 2000. After his girlfriend gave him oral sex, he told her, “You suck dick now.” That summer, Rich constantly reminded Melissa how much fun his friends were having losing their virginities and that he was jealous. One time he asked Melissa if before school started they could have sex. Rich seduced her by saying, “All the boys are losing their virginities.” Any idiot with half a brain would have probably told his girlfriend how much he loved her in order to have sex, but Rich just said he was jealous of hearing about his friends’ sex lives while he was getting nowhere.

However, by the time senior year started for Rich and Melissa in September 2000, they still hadn’t consummated the relationship. Rich told one of his friends that if Melissa kept putting off having sex, he was going to dump her. So finally, one day in September, Melissa and Rich actually skipped school and had sex for the first time. Soon after that, Melissa dumped Rich. In my mind, Rich’s voice told me that Melissa cried after she had sex with him. He also went into great detail about his second serious girlfriend, Emily.

The main thing that brought Rich and Emily together was that by the end of March, everybody was thinking about prom and nobody wanted to go without a date. Rich was active in student life, and he wasn’t going to miss prom for any reason. With prom only about six weeks away, it would be the perfect time to have sex. This way Rich’s friends wouldn’t bust his balls for remaining celibate on prom night.

But Rich and Emily began having sex even before prom night. The first time Emily gave Rich oral sex, she actually wrote him a note saying that she wanted to. Emily wasn’t a virgin; in fact, she made Jenna Jameson look like the Virgin Mary. She had oral sex when she was only thirteen and lost her virginity a year later as a freshman in high school. With this in mind, Rich wondered early in the relationship when they were going to have sex, since neither one of them were virgins. Emily said that it would be about six weeks, which was her timetable for sexual activity. Where did Emily get this notion that six weeks into a relationship made it okay to start having sex? Why six, and why did she live her sex life according to a set schedule, instead of how she felt for that person?

But Emily was seen as promiscuous, and one boy in her school actually called her a slut to her face. She was so upset that Rich actually punched him and ended up losing the fight. To make it up to Rich, Emily promised that they could have sex every day for one month. Once again, they lived their lives according to a fixed schedule. They both enjoyed sex and saw nothing wrong with having as much of it as possible.

So where were Rich and Emily having all this sex? Since Emily was an only child, they mainly had sex when school was over, during the summer, when nobody was home. Rich had talked to his father a lot about sex; Tom had even pressured Rich to ask girls to sleep with him. Emily never actually talked with her parents about sex—she never had the “sex talk”—and as a result, she already had many sexual partners by the time that she was eighteen. Tom thought Emily was too much of a slut for his son, and he would often joke that Rich’s twelve-year-old brother probably had a chance with her. In my mind, Rich’s voice said that when Emily’s grades were low, he would tell her, “Well, you get an A in sucking dick.” Rich even said that he didn’t think another girl giving him oral sex was cheating on his girlfriend.

Since I was the product of a single-parent home with a nonexistent biological father, I didn’t want to seem sensitive or feminine, but I was definitely gentler than most guys. Rich was always trying to give off this ultramasculine, tough-guy persona, just like Eric did in high school. The one thing that I learned from Rich’s voice was that behind this tough exterior, he had a sensitive and vulnerable side to him.

During the summer that I was home from college, I tried to tell my mother what the voice inside my head was telling me. The voices were a sore subject for us to talk about, so I usually refrained from doing so. One time I told my mother, “Well, if I bring Rich here and have him tell you, would you still not think it’s real?” My mother became angry and started yelling at me that she would never believe it.

One time when I felt that I was communicating with Rich in our minds, his voice told me that the first time he orally pleased his girlfriend, she was very dry. I told my mother what the voice had told me and she became angry and repeated, “This is what the voice is telling you.” For the majority of the summer, I would hear Rich’s voice in my mind—and even Carmine’s, too, although never at the same time.

I soon began to understand why Rich and Bruce were becoming close friends; even though they were polar opposites. When I first met Rich, he intimidated me; he seemed strong, tough, and ruthless. Bruce spent most of his time in high school either playing the piano or surfing the Internet. There were two reasons why polar opposites such as Bruce and Rich became good friends. First, even though Rich was a tough guy, he came from a background in which his father and his friends made all the decisions for him. When Rich woke up in the morning, his day was planned. The “boys” always assumed that they would hang out that day. They would meet in their friends’ basement and then discuss what to do. Rich rarely had a say in the discussion. When the “boys” played their guitars and rehearsed with their band, Rich simply watched. His father made any major decision that affected Rich. Tom planned Rich’s classes, college, major, curfew—everything. Rich had little autonomy. By the time he went to college, he was clueless on how to live his life and he needed somebody to make decisions for him. Bruce was happy to oblige. The second reason these two opposites became friends was that they were both mean. Bruce loved to be cynical when he was talking to or about me.

When I did hear Rich’s voice in my mind over the summer, we made plans to hang out when we got back to school. I still thought that Rich and I would be friends, not realizing that the same thing happened in May, and Rich never talked to me on May 20th, the last day of classes.

The last time that I heard Rich’s voice for the summer was on July 29. Ever since March 15, off and on, I had heard his voice in my mind. Now, I finally got a break. That same day, I had another appointment with Dr. Roberts, who of course believed that Rich’s voice was a hallucination. Dr. Roberts thought that if I relaxed more and stopped thinking all the time, my mind would be quieter. For the first time in all of my appointments, I agreed. I still believed that I was having an actual telepathic conversation with Rich, who was miles away, but I did agree that I had to relax more and try to concentrate. It was difficult for me to try to relax my mind. As a child, my mother always told me, “You’re always thinking.” My mind is always working overtime, and I tried relaxation tapes, and yoga, but I couldn’t relax. Every time I tried listening to a relaxation tape, I would just think about other people using relaxation tapes.

I went back to college for my second year on August 24, 2002. I was most anxious about meeting my roommate, since I was one of a few students who chose the random assignment instead of living with somebody I already knew. My first day back I went and hung out with my female friends; we played cards and watched
Crossroads
, the Britney Spears movie. Things were different than a year before; the exciting newness was gone, and people were less friendly as sophomores because most of the social groups had been established.

The next day I went to get my books with Vanessa and her former roommate, Susan. At the bookstore, I saw Rich standing a few people in front of me. It was the first time I had seen him since May. At first Rich started smiling and laughing when he saw me, but then when I started walking toward him, he shook his head and gave me a look to stay away. Rich was one of the only students waiting in line with his mother, his younger brother, and his father. I could see Rich telling his parents about me, and I could only imagine what he was saying.

Sunday, Shannon and Diana actually had the guts to visit me in my room. All of the girls were scared to go my room because they joked that I masturbated up to ten times a day and everything in the room would either smell or be covered in dried semen stains. They were surprised that I was organized and had a computer, which I didn’t have freshman year. Sheets were on my bed for once—most of the time freshman year I slept on a bare bed—and the girls were surprised that I started wearing cologne and even had a stapler. Later that night, Marty, my new roommate, arrived. Marty was the complete opposite of Bruce; he was laid back, not controlling. We didn’t become the best of friends, but we were fine just keeping to ourselves.

Unlike freshman year, I hardly knew anybody in my dorm. Shannon, Diana, and Kaitlin lived in a suite a few dorms away, and Denise and Vanessa lived in the dorm across from mine. Things were different. Denise and Rodney actually started getting more serious; for a time it seemed that Rodney was calming down, and he was actually nice to Denise’s friends. I still liked to play the role of the “big brother,” who was always there to listen to the girls’ problems.

Every day since that Sunday, I heard Rich’s voice in my mind. The voice was friendly, and we talked about meeting up soon and discussing what was happening in our minds. Once again, I was under the false impression that Rich was my friend.

As the first couple of weeks of school passed, I still felt like I was having telepathic communication with Rich. Soon I figured out a guaranteed spot I could run into him: the radio station meeting. Both of us had been disc jockeys since freshman year. At the meeting, Bruce was sitting with Rich, and since I didn’t want to be bothered with my old roommate, I kept away from Rich. However, I did find out from the radio station schedule when Rich was having a show. It would be the perfect opportunity to confront him about the voices that I heard.

The day I found out about Rich’s show was a Thursday, and Rich’s premiere radio broadcast was the following Tuesday. In my mind, Rich said that if I went to his radio show, we would talk about our telepathic exchanges. Rich’s voice told me that this was really occurring and that I should just ignore what my mother and psychiatrist said. After Rich and I had communicated in our minds about the radio show, I didn’t hear his voice until that Tuesday. I was confident that on Tuesday at midnight, I would show up at the radio broadcast, and after over a year and a half of hearing strange voices in my mind, the charade would be over. I never thought that I shouldn’t listen to the voice or that or that Rich was mean to begin with and unworthy of being my friend. I didn’t focus on the positive friendships I had. I was controlled by Rich’s voice.

So, I decided on Monday night I would stay at the library until it closed at midnight and then just walk over to the radio station for Rich’s first radio show. I couldn’t have been more excited.

I waited in the library until I heard the last page requiring me to leave. I left but then just walked around outside. I decided that when it was twelve fifteen, I would go into the radio station. I was hoping Rich would be there and say that the voice in my mind was really his. At twelve thirty I called the radio station, asked for Rich, and was told by the station director that Rich didn’t come in that night. I thought that was very strange. Why didn’t Rich come to his first radio show? Why, since I started having telepathic communication with Rich in March, was he suddenly avoiding me? Two days later Rich’s voice entered my mind again. I was disappointed and dumbfounded about why he was avoiding me.

About a week after Rich’s no-call, no-show at the radio station, I ran into him at the campus sub shop with two of his new roommates. Rich was seldom by himself. Even though he came off as a tough guy, Rich could hardly do anything alone. If he was with another male, he was worried somebody would think he was gay, so he always had to have at least two people with him at all times. At the sub shop, he asked me to stop e-mailing me, so I did. I was angry because once again somebody had gotten in the way of me forming a friendship.

Even after I stopped e-mailing Rich, I still heard his voice in my mind. One time when I was working in the admissions office, my supervisor asked me to file some papers in the basement, where all the old files of the sophomore class were stored. Even though I knew it was wrong, I would often read the files of my friends and people in my dorm. I never told anyone that I was doing this, since I loved my job at the admissions office. I read Rich’s letters of recommendation, his essay, and his high school transcript. As I was reading his file, I heard his voice in my mind simultaneously. I found out that Rich was vice president of his high school class, played soccer and ran track, and had close to a ninety-five average. In my mind, Rich’s voice was upset and felt that reading the file was an invasion of his privacy.

Throughout the fall semester, I continued to hear Rich’s voice in my mind up to five times a day. Rich would apologize for the way he was acting toward me. He would ask me to stop by his radio show again, and this time he promised to be there. Once again he said that if I went to his radio show, he would admit that I was having telepathic conversations with him. At this point, Rich had a cohost for the show, but that didn’t deter me from wanting to stop by. I decided to just call the radio station and request a song instead of going there, just like I did two weeks before. I went down to the basement of my dorm and called the radio station at slightly past midnight. When Rich’s cohost answered, I asked for Rich and was connected with him. When Rich heard it was me, he started yelling and calling me a “freak.” He then said to me a few times, “What are you thinking?!”

The following morning I had another telepathic conversation with Rich where he apologized and said that he felt bad after the phone call. That was last time I heard Rich’s voice during the month of September. By September 28, three whole days had passed since I’d stopped hearing his voice in my mind. Since I had been back at school, one day was the longest stretch I’d experienced. I was convinced that the voice might be gone forever, so I decided to write Rich an e-mail. It had been a couple of weeks since he’d confronted me in the sub shop, asking him to stop e-mailing him. I did remember this conversation as I typed an e-mail, but I knew that since the second semester of freshman year, Rich and I had an off-again, on-again friendship. This time, however, after I wrote Rich an e-mail that Saturday morning, our friendship would turn definitively off.