Missing Your Smile (31 page)

S
usan stood in the early morning chill and dropped her letter into the blue mailbox on the corner. Traffic was still thin. The part of the sky she could see above the buildings was a dusty gray, shrouded with a layer of light from the street lamps.

What would it be like to once again see stars unhindered by the city's attempt to light the world?
she wondered
. Why was she thinking such thoughts this morning? Likely because of the letter she'd just dropped into the mailbox. She'd kept her promise to Teresa. The chance that someone would respond to the letter and offer Teresa's baby a home was slim. Still, who could blame Teresa for wanting such a dream? The young woman was indeed more outstanding than she had appeared to be at first. Yes, Teresa had made some bad choices, but the city was full of people who had made bad choices. At least Teresa wanted more for her baby than city life, which seemed to be a mass of contradictions to Susan. It could mess with anyone's mind, especially people raised in the country.

There were nice restaurants along Main Street, but none were across the tracks where Teresa lived. There were nice people like Laura, Robby, and Duane in the city, but somewhere beyond that a kidnapper and murderer stalked women. There had been no new kidnappings or deaths in the newspapers or news of late. Perhaps the police had caught the criminal. But how could such opposites live so close together? The good and the bad? The beautiful and the ugly? Life was so much simpler under the open skies at the farm.

Mamm
and
Daett
will sure be surprised when the mail arrives with my strange request
, Susan decided. She had tried to be as hopeful as possible, casting Teresa and her situation in as good a light as she could. Still, Amish people didn't quickly make up their minds about most things. Not even when the subject was a minor affair, let alone the adoption of a child.

One thought had been bothering Susan all night.
Does
Da Hah
want me to take the child?
The idea seemed impossible. How could she raise a child without a
daett
to help? And Teresa wanted an Amish family—and she wasn't Amish anymore. No, taking the child was simply out of the question. Teresa had said the parents must be Amish, and Susan wasn't ready to return—let alone with a child.

Susan glanced up at the skyline, thinking again of the home place.
Is
Daett
out in the barn by now? He doesn't milk anymore, but he's probably up doing something
. Daett
and
Mamm
both wanted someone to take over the farm so they could move to a
dawdy haus
on the place. Well, that wasn't going to happen—and it was Thomas's fault!

She shook her head and walked back toward the bakery. She was an
Englisha
girl now. Duane had been so amazing last night. So manly, so smooth, so at home in that fancy restaurant. He hadn't said much about it afterward, but he didn't have to. He clearly belonged in the world she aspired to. Anyone could see that. He belonged here just as she had belonged on the farm.
Can Duane really be interested in me? In a country girl? In a bumpkin who obviously doesn't know anything about big city ways?

Again she wondered if Duane was playing with her like the cats played with the mice they caught in the barn. Having a good time before they ate them.
Duane doesn't look like he would eat girls!
Susan laughed. She had to stop being silly. Duane was a nice man. Just because Thomas turned out to be a bad apple didn't mean all men were like that.

Suddenly Susan shuddered and came to a complete standstill. What she'd been worried about abruptly came into focus and ran through her heart like cold water. Would
Mamm
and
Daett
think the child she had written about was hers? Hers and Thomas's?
Ach, and what should I do about that?
Taking a deep breath, Susan turned and looked at the mailbox.

The letter was already mailed.
Is there some way of getting it back? No. Surely my family wouldn't think such a thing
. Mamm
and
Daett
know me better than that! But hearing of a baby, that is likely going to be the thought that crosses everyone's mind back home. They will think it explains why I left so abruptly…and hadn't returned. Why didn't I think this through? Why didn't this occur to me before?

This would offer a ready explanation for the split between Thomas and her, which she had never fully explained to anyone. People would believe this to be the real explanation for why she had fled into the
Englisha
world and refused to make up with Thomas. She had gone away from the eyes of the community to have a baby. The Amish community would think her letter about adoption was an excellent cover story. They might assume it would give her guilty conscience relief to make sure the child was raised by an Amish couple instead of being raised in the
Englisha
world. And it would make sense because if she ever chose to return, she would be close to the child.
This is what everyone will think!
Her m
amm
and
daett
would never pass on her request because they would assume her reason for the request was obvious.

Susan shivered. How could someone get into such a mess simply by trying to help a young woman with her troubles? Now the world darkened. Above her head even the streetlights looked menacing and the building beside her looked ready to crush her with its weight.

She must gain control of herself.
The letter!
Yah,
it must be gotten out of the mailbox. But how? Perhaps there is someone at the post office who can help. But what about my promise to Teresa? Should I go back on my word just to save my reputation?
Susan ran back to the mailbox and opened the lid and checked the top tray of the mailbox. She reached inside. Perhaps by a miracle the letter could be retrieved.

Her fingers came up empty. The face of Teresa sobbing at the kitchen table rose in Susan's memory.
Is this feeling in my chest a little taste of what Teresa felt when she first realized she was with child? This shame, this fear, this torment along with the questions of “What if…” and “Why?”

Could Susan turn away from such a plea for help when Teresa had no one else with faith in
Da Hah
to go to? Surely she could explain so the people at home would believe her when she told them the child wasn't Thomas and hers. She had to take the chance. She'd given Teresa her word. Susan turned again and headed back to the bakery, her steps firm. A promise was a promise! Teresa had come to her for help, and a person was not to turn away those who asked. Did not the preachers say so often in their sermons?

But what about
Mamm
and her shock when she first reads the letter? What about her thoughts of her youngest daughter being defiled by her boyfriend? Would
Mamm
believe she'd been swept up by the years of courtship and allowed things to go too far?
Possibly
, Susan admitted.
But
Daett
would surely know better!
That's where her hopes lay.
Daett
would say, “Susan and Thomas wouldn't do something like that. We can trust her. We can believe she's telling us the truth.”

Susan quickened her steps. She saw Laura's car slowing down and turning into the alley for the usual parking spot. Another day in the city had begun. She had duties, even if she was laden with worries. In this way the city and the farm weren't that far apart.

Laura was already inside when Susan walked in.

“Good morning!” Laura said. Without missing a beat, she continued, “So what happened last night with Duane? Did you have a nice time?”

“Oh,
yah!
It was great.” Susan decided she wouldn't explain how out of place she'd felt.

“Tell me more,” Laura encouraged. “I want details!”

“There really isn't much more. We had a good time. I'm so new at this. I hope I didn't make a fool of myself!”

“I'm sure you didn't,” Laura said. “So is Duane making any progress?”

“Progress?”

“You know what I mean. Now, don't act dumb,” Laura teased.

Susan forced herself to laugh.

“He moves kind of slow,” she said. “Which is good, I guess.”

“I bet you still have that Amish fellow on your mind,” Laura said. “With perhaps some hopes of getting back with him?”

“No, that won't happen. Especially after he hears about my request to
Mamm
and
Daett
.”

“Teresa's adoption request?” Laura asked.

“Yes,” Susan said.

“That could make trouble with him?” Laura looked puzzled. “Is it taboo to bring an outside child into the community?”

“No,” Susan said, debating whether she should reveal the reason for her fear. Letting out a breath, she said, “Laura, I had no sooner dropped the letter in the mailbox this morning when I realized that some people in the community might get the wrong impression. They might think the baby is Thomas's and mine! That I left the community to have the baby here.”

“Really?” Laura said, pausing to look at Susan. “They would think that?”

“Yes, I'm afraid some might,” Susan said. She readied the batter for cupcakes. “I can't believe I didn't think about that before I promised Teresa I'd ask about the adoption. I knew something was worrying me, I just couldn't get it out. People will think it's my child, and that I'm covering up my pregnancy by pretending it belongs to someone else.”

Laura raised her eyebrows. “But look at you—you're not pregnant.”

“I know that—but they don't. And I'm here, so that provides an explanation of our breakup.”

“So your ex-boyfriend will have his reputation besmirched?” Laura asked.

“He will, along with me. I wish I hadn't mailed that letter. I even tried to get it back, but it was too late.”

Laura worked silently on doughnut batter. “Hey, wait a minute! The simple solution just came to me. You can make a trip home in the next few weeks and show everyone that you're not…well…swollen with child. Maybe you can go after Thanksgiving—which, by the way, you're to spend with us.”

Susan laughed. “A trip home for that reason? Yuck. As for Thanksgiving, I'd love to come. But a trip home? I don't think I'm ready.”

“Yes, it might be hard,” Laura agreed. “It looks like your helping Teresa is going to involve more than you thought.”

“You're also helping,” Susan reminded her.

“True,” Laura said. “That reminds me. I did call the clinic and explain the situation. They're willing to see her this afternoon. I thought I'd take her while you watch the shop. Is that okay?”

“Sure,” Susan said. “Talking about home, have you heard from your sister lately?”

“No, not recently. Not since you arrived, in fact.”

“I've wondered how Bonnie's children are doing,” Susan said. “They were such dears. I miss babysitting for them sometimes.”

“There's another good reason to take a trip home.” Laura smiled.

Susan thought about it as she worked. She had two reasons now for a trip home. But there were oh so many reasons
not
to go. The trip would bring up a lot of unwanted things. Pleas for her to stay. Facing her parents' dismay when she left again.
Is there another way to establish my innocence? Maybe
Mamm
and
Daett
won't even make a fuss. Maybe I'm worring over nothing
.

“Robby's coming by after work today,” Laura said, interrupting her thoughts. “He wanted me to tell you.”

“Driving lessons again,” Susan said. “That man is a glutton for punishment.”

“Oh, he teases you, I know, but he told me you're doing quite well.”

“I've been imagining I was driving the horses on the farm,” Susan said. “And it helped. I went left, right. I let out and then pulled back on the reins.”

“I'd say you're doing quite well then.” Laura dropped the first of the doughnuts into the sizzling oil.

S
usan removed most of the coffee pots as the evening approached, carrying them to the sink for cleaning. She left two on the counter. The customers were few in number at this time of day, and Robby would arrive soon for her driving lesson. He did have a certain bravado around him…or was it courage? Whichever, she was learning how to drive—and in the city at that!