Mission: Earth "Voyage of Vengeance"

The reader should know that there is no reason to go any further in the text than this page.

The Crown has been most lenient in allowing the publication of this fallacious sensationalism. In fact, the appearance of this work in print has clearly proven beyond the shadow of a doubt the Crown's confidence that the reading public will spurn this balderdash and turn instead to solid fact.

In allowing the release of this deluded fantasy, the Crown also hopes that the failure of this book will prove to the writer and any who might be interested that there is no market for such capricious phantasms and that one should seek more realistic pursuits.

There are 110 planets in our great Confederacy and more yet to conquer. There is no limit to the number of meaningful topics upon which one could expound, and every single one of them would be more worthwhile and accurate than this utter, lying nonsense about the existence of this so-called planet "Earth."

There is no "Earth," or "Blito-P3," as it is supposed to be designated on our astrographic charts. There is simply no such place.

Therefore, the reader need go no further.

There is absolutely nothing here of substance. The entire book consists of nothing but fiction about a race of so-called Earthlings.

Fortunately, there are no "Earthlings," as they would be the only ones naive enough to read this.

Therefore, you need not turn the page.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

You turned the page!

Thank goodness!!

I got worried there for a moment, from the way Lord Invay was carrying on.

Let me introduce myself: I am your dutiful translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robotbrain in the Translatophone, at your service.

I'm the one who shifted
all
of this from Voltarian into your language. How would you feel if you busted your bytes on a book only to find that your work is about to be wasted by a guy who says "Don't turn the page"?

I don't hold anything against Lord Invay. He can get a little pedantic, but who wouldn't with a job like censoring? My circuits would start to smoke if I had to pretend that something that is, wasn't.

In any case, you made it. Congratulations.

Hi there!

Let me get down to prefacing this thing before you change your mind.

What you've got here is the confession of one Soltan Gris, who dictated this manuscript into a vocodictoscriber while in the Royal Prison in Government City. He is relating the story of a trip he made to the planet Earth. He was sent there to sabotage the mission of Royal Officer Jettero Heller, who had been sent to halt the pollution of the planet so the place could be safely invaded later.

The problem is that I can't find this planet on any charts, and we
do
keep good astro-records. Between the scouting parties and the probes over the last 125,000 years, we've gotten it pretty well mapped for a few billion light-years out, and there's nothing in the data banks on this place Earth.

According to Gris, I'm a little over twenty-two light-years from your planet (even though you don't exist), which makes us neighbors, actually.

Meanwhile, you've probably been told you're alone in the universe. That's sort of sad. Here we've got this great big playground and you've been told there's no one else around to play with.

Well, it's not true.

That idea comes from those "scientists" you've got on Earth who have the vision of a dung beetle.

They say they're trying to figure out the origin of the universe, which is supposed to impress everyone at a cocktail party. ("What do you do?" "I'm figuring out the origin of the universe." "Gee.")

They do this by listening with their billions and billions of little dishes and looking with their billions and billions of little telescopes. Then they write out billions and billions of little equations in billions and billions of little papers so they can get their big government grants of billions and billions of dollars and start all over again.

They say if they can just figure out where the universe came from they can understand where Life came from-meaning YOU. In other words, just because
they're
lost, they assume everyone
else
is too. Hmmm.

I don't mean to sound too user-friendly, but let me offer something users can use.

The question "Where did I come from?" seems very natural. It seems to be like asking where rain comes from. That's fine for rain but not for
you,
because you didn't come from anywhere. That's a wrong road. Anywhere and anything comes from you.

Chew on that for a while.

Meanwhile, if you want to see where that other road ends, follow Soltan Gris.

As usual, I've dutifully called up a Key to this volume and it follows immediately.

Thanks for turning that page!

Nice meeting you too!

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Activator-receiver-
See
Bugging Gear.

Afyon-
City in Turkey where the
Apparatus
has a secret mountain base.

Ahmed-
Taxidriver for Soltan
Gris
in
Afyon.

Ambo-
See
Dingaling, Chase and Ambo.

Antimanco-
A race exiled long ago from the planet
Manco
for ritual murders.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-
Thesecret police of
Voltar,
headed by Lombar
Hisst
and manned by criminals.

Assassin Pilots-
Spacepilots whose job it is to kill any
Apparatus
personnel who try to flee a battle.

Atalanta-
Homeprovince of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
on the planet
Manco.

Babe Corleone
-The six-foot-six widowed leader of the Corleone mob who "adopted" Jettero
Heller
into her Mafia "family."

Balmor
-Butler to Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
in their New York condominium.

Bang-Bang Rimbombo
-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of
Babe Corleone's
mob. He also attends Jettero
Heller's
college Army ROTC classes at
Empire
University
.

Barben, I. G.
-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Bildirjin, Nurse
-Teenage Turkish girl who helps Prahd
Bittlestiffender.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd
-Voltarian cellologist that Sol tan
Gris
brought to Earth to operate a hospital in
Afyon.
Prahd was the one who implanted Jettero
Heller,
the Countess
Krak
and
Crobe.
(See
Bugging Gear
and
Cellology.)

Bitts
-Captain of the yacht
Golden Sunset.

Blito-P3
-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.

Blixo
-
Apparatus
freighter, piloted by Captain
Bolz,
that makes regular runs between Earth and
Voltar.
The voyage takes about six weeks each way.

Blueflash
-A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

Bolz
-Captain of the freighter
Blixo.

Bugging Gear
-Soltan
Gris
had Jettero
Heller,
the Countess
Krak
and
Crobe
implanted with audio and optical bugs that transmit everything they see or hear to an activator-receiver that Gris carries. With this, he can eavesdrop on them without their knowledge. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is used to boost the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.

Bury
-Delbert John
Rockecenter's
most powerful attorney.

Calico, Mister
-Cat discovered by Jettero
Heller
and trained by the Countess
Krak.

Candy Licorice
-Lesbian "wife" to Miss
Pinch.

Caucalsia, Prince
-According to legend, he fled
Atalanta, Manco
to set up a colony on Earth.

Cellology
-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break
-Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender (s) and any native (s) so alerted. The purpose is to maintain the security of the
Invasion Timetable.

Control Star
-Given to Soltan
Gris
by Lombar
Hisst,
an electronic device disguised as a star-shaped medallion that can paralyze any of the
Apparatus
crew of
Antimanco
pirates that brought Gris and Jettero
Heller
to Earth.

Coordinated Information Apparatus-
See
Apparatus.

Crobe, Dr.
–Apparatus
cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan
Gris
to further disrupt Jettero
Heller's
mission.

Dingaling, Chase and Ambo-
Alegal firm that specializes in suing people merely to get a percentage of the settlement. Soltan
Gris
(using the name
Smith)
hired them to pursue Jettero
Heller
(known as
Wister).
This is being done with suits from Maizie
Spread,
Toots
Switch
and Dolores
Pubiano de Copula.

Drunks-
A
Fleet
nickname for members of the
Apparatus.
The nickname is based upon the symbol of the Apparatus which is an inverted paddle, but looks like a bottle.

Empire
University-
WhereJettero
Heller
is taking classes in New York City.

Epstein, Izzy
–Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero
Heller
to set up and run several corporations.

Eyes and Ears of Voltar-
Anelectronics store on
Voltar
where Soltan
Gris
stole boxes of sophisticated equipment that he brought to Earth. When the Countess
Krak
arrived, she took large quantities for her use.

Faht Bey
-Turkish name of the Voltarian commander of the secret
Apparatus
base in
Afyon
,
Turkey.

F. F. B. O.-
Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising firm in the world. J. Walter
Madison
works for them.

Fleet
-The elite space fighting arm of
Voltar
to which Jettero
Heller
belongs and which the
Apparatus
despises.

Golden Sunset-
Aluxurious yacht purchased by the Countess
Krak
with a credit card Soltan
Gris
had inadvertently given her.

Gracious Palms-
An elegant whorehouse in which Jettero
Heller
stayed when he was first in New York City. It is owned by
Babe Corleone
and is patronized by delegates to the United Nations.

Grafferty, "Bulldog"-
A crooked New York City police inspector.

Grand Council-
The governing body of
Voltar
which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the
Invasion Timetable.

Gris, Soltan-
Apparatus
officer placed in charge of the
Blito-P3
(Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero
Heller.
He was sent to Earth by Lombar
Hisst
to sabotage Heller's mission.

Haggarty, H. Hider-
Name on a Central Intelligence

Agency passport that Jettero
Heller
obtained and sometimes uses.

Heller, Hightee-
Themost beautiful and popular entertainer in the
Voltar
Confederacy. She is also Jettero
Heller's
sister.