MisStaked (44 page)

"Hon, you wouldn't want that to happen. Without my soul guiding my body, you'll end up with a fabulous-looking killing machine. Which would be a very bad thing."

"Then scratch that plan. Just get to Luna and see what you can come up with.” The outer door slide open. “And hurry!"

D'brea gave him a wink and vanished. Breathred turned away from the shimmering air left by her disappearance. Even through the thick stone walls, he could hear footsteps coming from the stairs leading to the tomb. Slow dread crept over him. Left alone with his thoughts, Breathred prayed Luna had something up her sleeve, ‘cause he'd just used up his last good idea and it wasn't all that good to begin with.

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What do you mean, garlic only works in the movies?

Luna kicked feebly at her bonds. Not for the first time in the past hour, she wished she hadn't told Stud to be so thorough with his tying. This whole night had been a disaster. Leopold showing up had been the topping on the cake. If she could just get the damn medicine bag off, she could change and set them free. Might as well wish for something sensible, like a Sherman tank.

Her only consolation was Stud was quiet for once. From his brooding silence, Luna knew he was in full-on pout mode. She had never seen him so depressed. He was blaming himself for this. It was as if all the smart-ass had just drained from him.

Outside the tent, D'brea heard the pitiful thoughts drifting from the two mortals. She had never heard such sentiments in her life. These people cared for each other in ways the people of her time never had. Breathred was more concerned for these two than he was for himself. Strangely, the girl and the monkey were more concerned for him than they were for their own dire situation. In the days of her reign, there was a sense of community among her people, but nothing like this.

If these three souls, who were not even of the same species, were any indication, she still had much to learn about this new world. No one focused on the community as a whole anymore. Now the concerns of the individual were what mattered. This individuality intrigued her. It gave her a spark of hope she hadn't felt in a long time. Perhaps, there was no longer a need to be a goddess to her people. D'brea could be the sexpot she always yearned to be.

When time permitted, she would have to ponder this further. Unfortunately, she had a mission to accomplish first. Already, her two children had nearly breached the inner door to her resting place. Amid this, she sensed the fear coming from the one called Breathred. D'brea felt a darker thing lurking behind his fear. Whatever it was, this thing almost seemed to overwhelm his fear.

This bore investigating. After all, she was entrusting her future to this person. Sure it might be an invasion of his privacy, but what did she care? Who was the vampire mother around here, him or her? Flinging a piece of herself back to him, D'brea attempted to touch this darkness and gently probed past the outer-most barriers of Breathred's mind. Her ectoplasmic body shuddered as she felt her touch wither against the formless reaches of the man's mind. D'brea suddenly remembered the reality of pain.

The woman drew back in confusion. Now she was the one who was afraid. This human was not as he first appeared. The power of a spirit that rivaled her own was the only thing which could rebuke her with such ease. The boy was indeed a holy warrior, if he was able to do this to her. His naiveté had lulled her into a false sense of security. She would do well not to overestimate him. To that end, D'brea would do as he asked, so long as it served her purposes to do so.

D'brea floated unseen above the bound pair, still hesitant to reveal herself. There was still much she did not understand, but time was growing short. Even with his untapped strength, Breathred could not hold off her two offspring for long. Taking a deep metaphysical breath, D'brea willed herself into being.

The look on the monkey's face was worth the expenditure of her flagging strength. The girl had not yet seen her. From the drool cascading down the chimpanzee's chin, the situation wouldn't be the case for much longer.

"Lu-lu-luba-luba,” Stud stammered, his eyes wide and crazed.

"What's wrong? You sound like you got an Umpa Lumpa trapped in your throat.” Luna strained against the ties that held her.

"Big honking ghost!” Stud shouted, his confined body bouncing up and down in his chair.

"Say what?"

"Excitable little fellow, isn't he,” D'brea laughed in her ear. “Do you think he needs a banana?"

Luna jumped at the sound of the voice. D'brea could see it took everything the girl had not to join the chimp in his bid for hysterical flight.

"Calm down girly, one nutty-bunny is enough, thank you very much,” D'brea said.

"What do you want?” Luna calmed down enough to ask.

"Your boyfriend sent me to give you a rundown on what's happening."

"He's alright?"

"He was when I left him, but won't be for long, if you don't help us."

"What can I do? I don't know if you noticed it or not but I'm kind of tied up at the moment,” Luna snapped.

"That's what I told him, but he was convinced you'd know what to do. I don't know if you know this, but the guy's not all too bright. His one redeeming quality was he had the good sense to turn to a woman for brain power.” D'brea cackled.

"Yeah, he is smarter than the average male.” Luna joined in her laughter.

"So, any ideas? Because time's kind of running out?” D'brea turned a worried look in the direction of the tomb.

"If I was untied, I have a lot of ideas, most of them unpleasant and involving a big ass honking rectally-inserted wooden stake. Unless you can do something about getting me loose, I'd say we're pretty much screwed."

"That tasty Brogan is on his way back to camp, so you may get your wish.” D'brea lifted her head and listened to the man's loud approach.

"Then go get him, and bring his ass here,” Luna ordered.

"Can't do it, Hon. I'm at my breaking point. If I tried to reach him, I'd dissipate into nothing."

"Shit!” Luna snarled.

"Don't worry. He should be here in about five minutes. He's moving slowly, but heading this way."

"Stud, did you hear her? Brogan's coming!"

"Honking big booby ghost,” Stud murmured spraying the air with a fountain of fresh spittle.

"Even scared out of his gourd, he can't stop being a perv.” Luna sighed.

The ghost suddenly let out an inhuman howl. D'brea's face twisted into a mask of pure anguish. Her voice cracking with the heavy sounds of her sobs, she cried. “It's too late. They're breaking into the tomb."

Leopold found himself staring at yet another door. This would not do. Easily had informed him there was only one door. Now, there were two. Surely, a college education had included a seminar on basic mathematics. Even in the seventeenth century they knew the difference between one and two. He sincerely hoped this was not indicative of modern education.

"Doctor Easily, would you mind explaining where this door came from?” Leopold demanded.

"From its construction I'd have to say from a nearby stone quarry,” she answered, absently.

"You know very well what I mean. You never mentioned a second door in your computerized missives,” Leopold exploded. He hoped the vein in his forehead wasn't popping out. It didn't match his outfit.

"Breathred and the others only just entered the tomb. How was I to know what was in it?"

"Don't take that tone with me. I will not be shouted at by a college professor who can't count to two."

"You sanctimonious bastard! I told you everything I knew. If you're too stupid to realize it, you can kiss my rosy pink ass,” Easily announced to the vampire's dismay.

"Then, obviously you knew too little. You have five minutes to get the door open before I decide our deal is null and void,” Leopold said, his voice tight with unrestrained anger.

"You try to back out on me, and I'll shove a stake through your heart, you froggy fop."

"Don't try to scare me, doctor. Your threats mean nothing to me. You cannot scare a man who has been schooled in fear by the masters of fear itself, Carmelite nuns,” he sneered in her face. “Now, open that door!"

Easily grumbled under her breath, but kept her thoughts to herself. She would not lower herself to a war of words with this fool. Besides, she was too close to her revenge to jeopardize it now. She could put up with this for a little while longer. To do that, all she had to do was get this flipping door open.

In the video feed Breathred had bent over and kissed the door. If this door worked like the other one, she wouldn't be able to open it. They all might work on the same trigger, which seemed to be purity of spirit and body, neither of which afflicted her. Now, twenty or so years earlier she might have had a shot. Unfortunately, Bobby Bigalloe had taken care of the little deed.

The scuffle of approaching steps made her look up. The other vampire, Lewis, was joining them. He must have finished dealing with Breathred's girlfriend and pet. Easily wished Leopold had just killed them and gotten it over with. The fact they still lived was an affront to her, personally. Her feelings aside, Jessica knew the girl was more dangerous than she appeared. The monkey might look like a dimwit, but he was just as dangerous as the girl. Leopold hadn't bothered to consult her before making his decision, so wasn't about to offer her two cents worth. Let him find out for himself.

"So, are they secured? I don't want to look up and see them coming merrily up behind us.” Jessica did her best to tune out Leopold's grumbling, but found she couldn't stop listening in spite of herself.

"They're tied up like a pair of new shoes. Stop worrying.” Lewis grinned.

"It's my job to worry,” Leopold said.

"Then, you're doing a good job."

"I'm glad you think so. Now, why don't you do yours and convince this woman she needs to get this door open?” Leopold snapped.

"What's the hold up?” Lewis asked, sidestepping a wicked glare from Leopold.

"For one thing there are two doors instead of the one I was told about.” Leopold gave Easily a snide look.

"Get over it, already,” Easily snapped.

"You hush,” Leopold ordered. “Unless you know how to open the second door, I don't want to hear another word from you."

"Well, then cover your ears."

"What was that?” Leopold asked. “Lewis did you hear her? Am I mistaken or did she just talk back to me?"

"Sounds like it, Boss.” Jessica didn't have to look up to know the younger vamp was grinning.

"Clearly, I need to rethink this whole human sidekick thing. Whatever happened to the sniveling Renfields of old? I ask you. Maybe, I should try putting an ad in the personals. You know something like, ‘Dominant male seeking subservient companion, commitment a must, light housework optional. Smokers need not apply.’”

"Sounds crazy to me, but you're the boss."

This time Jessica knew he was smiling. Well, let them laugh. She'd be the one who had the last laugh.

"Before you look start looking into placing that ad, I can open your damn door,” she snarled.

"Then shut up and do it. You can go pre-menstrual on your own time.” Leopold threw a dismissive wave of the hand.

The bastard was asking for it. If she had been pre-menstrual, he'd be picking his teeth out of his colon, and his balls out of the dirt. She was a highly respected scientist, not some lackey. So, she didn't know about the second door, so what? She'd gotten him this far. What did he expect? To waltz in here and throw the damn Mother over his shoulder and walk right back out? If du Chambris Portus thought it would be so easy, he was a bigger fool than what he looked like in that cheap ass Armani knock-off.

The sooner she got this over with, the sooner she could get what she wanted. That was the important thing. Breathred and his floozy had to pay. Putting up with this half-wit was a small price to pay to see the girl got her comeupense, and more importantly to see Breathred get what he deserved.

Easily turned back to the door. In the pale light from the weak flashlight, she saw a faint hint of faded paint in the dust. Brushing the dirt from the door, the outlines of a face appeared. That must be where Breathred had kissed it. Thinking along the same lines, she bent over and placed her lips over the spot where he had an hour before.

Her lips cramped, as Easily waited for something—anything—to happen. How long did you have to kiss a door? This was crazy. She was kissing a door. How low could you get? She'd gone from being a respected archeologist to flagrant door molester, and all because of a man. What next? A contestant on a reality show. She'd almost decided to stop the whole charade, when a slight tremor came from door. It was opening! The mechanism that operated it must be sluggish after sitting dormant for so many years.

All that mattered was the thing was opening. Nothing was going to spoil this moment for her. In a few more minutes, she would get everything she wanted, and Mr. Breathred E. Petrifunck was getting what he had coming to him. It couldn't get any better than this.

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Forget it. If you've gotten this far and can't get out of a tough situation, you might as well apply to your local technical college.

"Would you just shut the hell up!” Luna shouted at the gibbering Stud. “It's just a ghost."

"Bu-bu-bu-Boogedy, Boobedy ghost,” Stud slobbered.

"She's trying to help us you dumb shit!"

"Look, sweetie. I've seen this type of thing happen before. There's only one way to get them to calm down.” D'brea laughed. “Sure, I've only seen it in men of the human variety, but there's a first time for everything."

Before Luna knew what was happening the ghost walked over to Stud. Stopping in front of the whimpering chimp, D'brea turned and gave Luna a sly wink. With a jiggly shake D'brea let her top dissolve in a puff of smoke. Stud's reaction was instantaneous. His eyes got as big as saucers and his tongue fell to his hairy chest. Luna didn't like it, but couldn't argue with the results. Stud stopped his hysterical gibbering. His pupils properly dilated, and he even managed to stop drooling. Well, almost.