Misunderstandings (15 page)

My thoughts carried through to my dreams, as they were filled with images of me carrying the baby to term and preparing for birth. In the dream I could sense my excitement as I lay in a hospital bed awaiting the baby’s arrival. The scene abruptly changed and I was no longer in the same bed. Instead, I was on a sterile table with a doctor telling me they would take care of my problem. I tried to fight him, telling him I had changed my mind and wanted to have the baby. He ignored my pleas as two burly guys stepped in to restrain me. The doctor disappeared between my covered legs. I screamed in agony as his hands reached inside me.

I woke screaming with cramps seizing my belly. Groaning in pain, I wrapped my arms around my stomach, instinctively knowing what was happening. The dampness between my legs was the only verification I needed. Fear ripped through me as I flipped on the light so Melissa could help me.

My heart dropped when I discovered Melissa’s bed was empty. Not wanting to attract any attention, I reached for my phone and dialed the number for a cab company rather than call 911. The pain was steady and cramps continued to rip across my stomach as I struggled to gather my belongings. Shrugging into my heavy jacket, I headed out of my room to wait for the cab that would take me to the hospital.

The hours I spent at the hospital passed in a blur. A sympathetic doctor confirmed I had lost the baby. I watched with dry eyes as they gave me a local anesthetic and then performed a D&C to remove any remaining tissue. That was how they referred to it.
Tissue.
As if the thing that had thrown my world completely out of whack had been nothing more than that. My eyes burned from the tears I refused to shed. After the procedure, I was placed in a curtained-off area where I could be observed for the next few hours until they released me.

I received a text around noon from Melissa, asking where I was, while a nurse checked me over one last time. I typed a hasty message telling her I was with the doctor. She fired back immediately asking if I was okay. The nurse was in the process of telling me what to expect over the next few days as my body adjusted to the loss of the baby. My phone chirped again, signaling another message from Melissa.

“Sorry, it’s my friend,” I said as the nurse paused her instructions. I typed out a quick answer to Melissa, not even paying attention to what I had typed. The nurse waited while I finished and then continued giving me the list of things to watch for.

“You might want to text your friend and tell her you need a ride home,” she said kindly as I listened to her instructions in a daze.

“Oh, that’s okay. I’ll call a cab. My friend doesn’t have a car.”

“We’d rather you had someone with you for the next twenty-four hours.”

“She’ll meet me at my dorm,” I promised, gathering my belongings.

“Are you sure?” she said skeptically.

“Promise,” I said, ready to leave. The knot in my throat from holding back my tears was to the point of becoming painful. An orderly wheeled me outside and helped me into the waiting cab. I needed to make it home and then I could cry. I was scared that if I started now, I wouldn’t be able to stop as I thought about how empty my body suddenly felt.

Present Day
4:30
PM

“Okay, so I was a chump,” Justin admitted. “It doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to know you were pregnant. I should have had a say in some of the decisions. I know it’s your body, and in the end you get the final say, but it was my baby too. I should have known about it before you got an abortion.”

I felt his pain. I’d lived with it for two years. I should have forced him to listen when I had the chance, but I let pride dictate my actions. I walked away, allowing Justin to believe the worst about me. Maybe I felt it was justice for me to bear the brunt of his accusations since I had contemplated abortion in the first place. It was only after I lost the baby that I
realized I could never have gone through with it. I lost something I never realized I wanted until it was gone. Melissa had been heartbroken from the role she had played in the mix-up. She begged me to let her tell him the truth, but I swore her to secrecy. I told her if she cared for me, she would let it go.

Over the tough weeks following the miscarriage, Melissa continued to badger me to tell him the truth, but in the end, I tucked my tail between my legs and ran. Not only from my own pain, but from the destruction I had caused others.

March 2011

Melissa was waiting outside when the cab dropped me off at my dorm. Clouds had moved in while I spent the morning at the hospital and a steady drizzle of moisture was falling from the sky. It seemed fitting that the sky appeared to be weeping.

“I would have gone with you,” Melissa greeted me as she helped me into our room, dripping wet.

“Huh?” I asked through chattering teeth as I worked to pull my wet clothes off so I could replace them with something dry.

“I said I would have gone with you,” she repeated, sounding hurt.

“That’s okay. You weren’t here,” I pointed out, climbing under my blankets.

“You could have waited for me,” she accused, sounding a little miffed.

“Um, no, I really couldn’t.”

“You mean to tell me you couldn’t have scheduled it for a time when I could go with you?” she said in a thick voice.

“Schedule what?” I began to understand. “Melissa, I didn’t get an abortion. Didn’t you read my messages?” I said, pulling out my phone to show her the text messages I sent.

“Yes, I did. You said you were with the doctor in the first text, and in the second you said you weren’t pregnant anymore.”

“So you just assumed I . . .” I cut myself off as I looked at my phone and saw she was right. Tears filled my eyes. “When I typed the last message the nurse had been in the process of telling me what to expect after the miscarriage. You get that?
My miscarriage.
I was still kind of in a daze at the time. I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was typing,” I said.

“What? How?” Melissa asked in a rush as she began to cry.

My tears made it difficult to answer.

“I was knocked down the stairs at Jacob’s party. I thought it was just my knees that got hurt,” I told her, lifting the blanket to show her my legs, which the hospital had bandaged for me.

“Oh my God. Who the hell knocked you down a flight of stairs?” she asked enraged.

“Some asshat I don’t even know,” I answered. Melissa never left my side as I let my grief pour out. “I just want to put
it all behind me now,” I sniffled. “I’m glad no one else knows. I’m not sure I can handle being the subject of gossip and sympathy.”

Melissa looked uncomfortable at my words.

“You told Rob,” I said, knowing her well.

“I’m so sorry, Brittni. I was upset when I thought you went to get an abortion on your own. I thought you didn’t need me,” she said as she began to cry again.

“Of course I need you. I was scared to death when I woke up and knew I was losing the baby and you weren’t here.”

She wailed harder at my words. “I’m so sorry I betrayed your secret. I’m the worst friend ever.”

“Wait a second. Melissa, you’re not saying what I think you are, right? Please tell me you didn’t tell Rob I got an abortion.”

She rushed to my side and grabbed my hand. “I was upset. I called him without thinking.”

“You were upset? What about me? Oh my God, Melissa. Did he tell Justin?” I asked, jerking my hand away.

“No, no,” she replied. “He promised me he wouldn’t say anything. Just to be sure, I’ll call him and tell him I was wrong. I will fix everything, I swear.”

“No you won’t. Don’t call anyone, don’t fix anything. This is between me and Justin. When I want him to know,
I
will tell him. No one else,” I insisted.

“Okay. Whatever you want. Please just forgive me,” she pleaded, reaching for my hand again.

“I do forgive you,” I assured her, knowing part of this was
my fault. “Just please don’t say anything to anyone, especially Justin. I would hate it if he felt responsible. I want to try to move on.”

Melissa linked her fingers with mine, providing much-needed comfort.

“The irony is I pretty much decided last night I was going through with the pregnancy,” I said as exhaustion from the last twelve hours caught up with me. I fell asleep with Melissa’s head on my shoulder and my hand resting on my now-flat stomach.

I stayed in bed the rest of the weekend, and by Monday I was feeling marginally better. My body seemed to be bouncing back quicker than my state of mind. I was still feeling weak and gimping around with my road-rashed knees, but I knew missing class wasn’t an option. Finals were just over a month away and I needed to ace all of them if I wanted to keep my GPA in my comfort zone. Melissa volunteered to walk me to my classes, but I declined her offer. I loved her dearly, but after a day and a half of her hovering over me, I needed a break.

I was on my way to Smith Hall when a familiar voice called my name. I took a deep breath before turning to face Justin. Our eyes met and I was shocked at the hatred reflected in them.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, worried that maybe his father had done something. “Is it your dad?” I asked, reaching out a hand to comfort him without thinking.

“Don’t touch me, you lying selfish bitch,” he said, shaking with rage. He jerked away like I was poisonous.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked. If anyone should be angry at the other person, it should be me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he shouted, drawing attention from everyone in the vicinity.

“Rob told you about the baby,” I said as more of a statement. “Justin, you don’t understand. I—”

“Yes, Rob told me,” he said, interrupting me. “How could you keep this from me?” he snarled as the onlookers crowded around so they wouldn’t miss a single detail.

“Whose fault was that? You were acting like such an asshole, you never gave me the chance,” I yelled. “It’s not like you were around. You were too busy hooking up with Shelly to care about the mess you left behind.”

“I didn’t hook up with Shelly. I took her to one party.”

“Right, a party where you had your tongue crammed halfway down her throat.”

He looked momentarily shocked at my words. “So I kissed another girl. That sure as hell doesn’t give you the right to do something like this without telling me first.”

“You’re kidding, right? Last time I checked, you’re not my father, and you have no right to tell me what I can or can’t do.”

“When it concerns my baby, I deserve the right to know. What kind of selfish person aborts her baby without telling the father? How dare you take that right from me, you fucking bitch.”

I recoiled at his words as everyone around us seemed to gasp at once. From the corner of my eye, I could see people snapping pictures with their phones. I’m sure we were quickly
reaching the timelines of every Facebook page on campus. My cheeks felt hot as I searched for the words to set him straight, but all I could focus on was the judgment on everyone’s faces.

“It’s my body and my choice,” I lashed out, ignoring the whispers and comments of the students around us.

“You are a heartless bitch,” he said, with acid dripping from every word. “If I never lay eyes on you again, it will be too soon.”

I acknowledged his words by turning my back on him and heading toward my dorm. It took all the strength I had to keep myself upright, walking past every stare and snicker until I was out of Justin’s sight. My actions had caused a sea of hurt and misunderstandings. I could have set him straight and defended myself, but his eyes held me back. When I looked in them, I saw nothing but anger and hate. The kind of hate that is incapable of understanding. His intention today was clear. He was the judge and jury together, and I was already guilty in those eyes.

• • •

Melissa was devastated that Rob had spilled my secret to Justin. She begged me to let her set them both straight. I refused her pleas. I used guilt as a weapon, telling her the only way she could make it up to me was if she never mentioned the truth to either of them. I knew by the look on her face it was a low blow, but I stuck to my guns. She tried to wear me down over the next few weeks as my name rapidly circulated around school. Stares and whispers followed me everywhere I went,
making it impossible to put the whole thing behind me. As the weeks progressed, my body recovered, but my will was completely broken. I was anxious for spring classes to end so I could leave. Without telling Melissa, I took the appropriate measures to transfer to a college closer to home for my junior and senior years. I wanted to leave everything behind and go where no one knew the half-truth about what happened.

Present Day
4:37
PM

“I never got an abortion,” I admitted. It was a relief to finally have the words out there.

“What?” Justin asked, jerking his head up.

“I said, I didn’t get an abortion. I lost the baby that night I saw you and Shelly together. Someone pushed me down the stairs at Jacob’s apartment complex and I lost the baby,” I said, willing my voice not to break. I had already cried so many times over the past two years that it seemed impossible that mentioning the baby would tear me up again.

He looked like he could vomit. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he pleaded.

“In the beginning I was going to tell you about the baby, and then everything seemed to fall apart. I was so scared, and I thought you had moved on. I figured it would muck things up even further if I told you before I made up my mind,” I answered, standing up so I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable.

“Why did you let me publicly shame you like that? Were you trying to be some kind of martyr?” He stood also, sounding angrier than before.

“God, do you ever think before you speak?” I snapped. “Since you’re so into the inquisition here, let me fire a few questions your way. Do you think it’s possible that I was completely freaked out over the entire situation? Because you know, pregnancy can do that to a girl. What do you think my frame of mind was when I walked into a crowded room to find you with another woman? Then you shot me that fucking shit-ass grin when you saw me, and don’t try to deny it. We both know what the hell you were doing. As for the public shaming, I had just gotten over a miscarriage, so I’m sorry if I wasn’t prepared to do battle with you in a public forum. I didn’t say anything because you fucking screamed like a lunatic, announcing to everyone that I had aborted our baby. You think at that point I wanted to give you the satisfaction of knowing the truth when you had ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of everyone? I lost our baby in a painful miscarriage, but even if I had done the awful thing you accused me of, yelling it across campus would still have been wrong. You should have come to me,” I said, exhaling the last bit of breath from my tirade.

Justin stood in silence, recovering from the bomb I had dropped on him.

“I was mad,” he said quietly as his shoulders drooped.

“Yeah, well, I was hurt,” I countered. “Not only that, I had to leave to get away from what you did. You turned me into the martyr, not me.”

“I should have handled it better,” he admitted.

“You’re just saying that because you now know all the facts.”

“No, I mean it. I’ve known for years what I did was wrong. Hell, I knew while I was doing it, but I was like a rogue wave out of control.”

I nodded. I could understand that part.

“Why didn’t you tell me later? Why did you allow me to continue to think the worst of you?”

I sighed, thinking about the question before I answered it. “I guess at the time I felt like I deserved it. Abortion was one of the options I considered. When you were yelling at me, it almost made everything a little bit better. I was so sad after the miscarriage. You yelling at me shifted the pain away from the loss of the baby to something different.”

“You were sad?” he asked, joining me on my side of the elevator.

“It broke my heart when I lost our baby,” I said thickly. “I didn’t realize how badly I wanted it until I lost it,” I answered as one lone tear trickled down my cheek.

Justin reached out tentatively and captured the tear with his thumb. “You wanted our baby?”

I nodded, transfixed on his hand, which slowly moved away from my face.

“You can’t touch me,” I whispered. I wasn’t ready for physical contact after everything we had exposed.

He nodded and dropped his hand but remained standing in front of me. I could see the questions on his face, and I mentally prepared myself for them. Stepping away from him, I sank back down to the floor as the rest of the adrenaline left me. Instead of heading back to the opposite side of the elevator, Justin slid down the wall so he was sitting right beside me.

“Please tell me everything,” he said after we had sat in silence for several minutes.

His words opened a floodgate in me and for the next forty-five minutes I confessed everything. Some of it brought back raw emotions and I had to knuckle away a steady stream of tears. Halfway through, he reached over to hold my hand, ignoring my request that he couldn’t touch me. I described how awful the miscarriage was, not sugarcoating anything. At times, his grip on my hand tightened to where it was almost painful, and yet through it all he never released it.

“Why did you wait so long to tell me?”

“I figured it wouldn’t make a difference.”

“Make a difference? Brittni, do you know how hard it was for me to hate you?”

“You made it look pretty easy,” I answered dryly as he let out a low chuckle.

“Hating you made the fact that you didn’t trust me less painful.”

“I did trust you at first, but then I was scared after you broke up with me. Everything was so confusing and you weren’t making it any easier. You were being such an a—”

“Asshole,” he interrupted. “I was being an asshole,” he sighed, rubbing his hand across his head. “I let my insecurities get the best of me and I threw our relationship away. Why did I have to be such a jackass?”

“You were confused. I was acting like a complete zombie.” I found myself comforting him.

“So what? You had every reason to be a zombie. I confirmed all your fears by dropping you the second things changed. No wonder you hate me so much.”

“I don’t hate you. You were the love of my life, the father of my unborn child. I couldn’t have hated you if I tried. Believe me, I did try. My friend Tressa had to step up and hate you enough for both of us,” I joked through a watery smile.

“One day I’ll have to thank her for that.”

“For hating you?” I asked, confused.

“For being there for you when I wasn’t. For being your friend.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty fantastic in that category. I’ve been lucky that way. Melissa and Rob are pretty fantastic too.”

“Do they know all the bonehead things I’ve done?” Justin grimaced.

“Melissa does. She was never supposed to tell Rob, but I suspect he knows, considering he tried to get us together today,” I answered.

“I’m surprised he didn’t knock some sense into me,” Justin
said as the floor beneath us shuddered slightly before starting to move. “Hot damn, we’re moving,” he said, surging to his feet and pulling me in for an excited hug.

Though my excitement matched his, I couldn’t help stiffening in his arms, unsure of how to react. A lot of shit had gone down between us in the nearly six hours we’d been stuck together. Just because we’d cleared the air didn’t mean we didn’t have a whole lot of baggage and past hurt bogging us down.

Whether he felt my resistance or sensed the doors getting ready to open, Justin abruptly dropped his arms as the doors parted to reveal a crowd of people, including Melissa and Rob.

Melissa rushed forward and gave me a tight hug. “Do you want to kill Rob? I could hold him down so you can at least get a good sock in,” she whispered in my ear.

“At the moment, I just have to use the bathroom really bad,” I said, dragging her along with me.

“In Rob’s defense, he didn’t know you two would somehow end up on the same elevator, let alone an elevator that would break down,” Melissa chattered away as I hurried to one of the stalls. “Was it awful? I’m so sorry,” Melissa continued.

Knowing Melissa as well as I did, I knew no comment was necessary at the moment. I stayed in my stall longer than needed so I could gather my mixed emotions. Having spent the last six hours with Justin with no more secrets between us made me feel jittery like I’d consumed heavy doses of caffeine in a short amount of time.

“Brittni, are you okay?” Melissa asked, standing right outside my stall door.

“Yeah,” I muttered, opening the door. “So, how did you find out I was here anyway?”

“Rob fessed up when the building operator called and told him his two visitors were stuck in the elevator. After the first hour, he called me, figuring I’d need to protect him from you once the elevator started moving again.”

“Why’d he do it, Mel? Did he think forcing Justin and me to have lunch together would suddenly right everything between us?” I asked, washing my hands.

“Well, he’s been pretty upset since I told him what really happened.”

“Speaking of which, you swore you’d never tell,” I chastised her, placing my hands on my hips.

“Au contraire, my dear. I swore I’d keep your secret as long as he was my boyfriend. As soon as Rob proposed, he no longer fit in that category.”

“Really? You’re going with the technicality clause?” I asked.

“Look, I was never comfortable keeping it a secret,” she said, placing her own hands on her shapely hips. “I did it at the time because I felt so damn bad about my part in everything that went down. It was a bad situation. But just so you know, I never agreed with the idea of you bearing the brunt of it. What Justin did to you in the courtyard was a shitty thing and wouldn’t have happened without my big mouth. I needed Rob to know the truth,” she added defensively.

“I understand,” I said, smiling at her astonished look.

“Really? I thought you would be ready to kill Rob and me by the time you made it off the elevator. I remember you hated elevators and was sick that you were cooped up in one for hours, with your ex no less.”

“I’m not going to lie, it got hairy there for a while, but I worked it out.”

“And Justin? Did he give you the silent treatment the whole time?”

“Not exactly,” I admitted. “We kinda worked some things out.”

“You did?” Melissa squealed, making me cringe as a couple of women looked our way.

“Shhh,” I said as the bathroom door opened. “We did, but let’s not make a big deal about it. I’m not even sure where we go from here. Maybe we’ll be friends, maybe not, but at least we don’t hate each other.”

“Oh my God. I’m so excited,” she said, bouncing up and down.

“Mel, chill,” I ordered as we headed out of the bathroom together.

We found the guys waiting for us in the lobby. “So, we kinda thought we’d skip visiting my office and maybe grab some grub,” Rob said, eyeing me sheepishly.

“You think?” Melissa teased, wrapping an arm around Rob, who was still eyeing me.

“That’s fine with me,” I answered, throwing Rob a bone. I’m sure the hours he spent wondering what the inside of that elevator would look like when it opened was punishment enough.

“I was dying,” Rob said, holding his hand on his chest. “Let’s head out.

“You let him off easy,” Justin whispered out of the side of his mouth as he walked beside me.

“I distinctly remember hearing someone threaten to kick his ass as soon as we were free from our steel cage. I guess my eyes are playing tricks on me because he looks pretty unscathed at the moment.”

“I’m biding my time,” Justin replied, flashing me his trademark grin.

“I’m parked over here, guys,” Rob called, standing beside a silver SUV that screamed
adult
.

“I figured you’d want to sit up front,” he told Justin, slapping him on the back.

“Sure, that’s fine,” Justin said, shooting me a look before climbing into the front seat of the vehicle.

The ride to the restaurant was loud as Rob and Melissa peppered us with questions about our confined time together on the elevator. Strangely, Justin stayed as closemouthed about what had transpired as I did. After a few minutes of trying, they both graciously surrendered as Melissa launched into a detailed description of the engagement party the next night.

“We wanted to keep it fun, so we decided to do a themed karaoke party,” Melissa gushed, ignoring the look Justin and I exchanged as I tried not to snicker.

“Um, karaoke?” I asked, wondering if Melissa had missed the memo where karaoke was no longer cool.

“Yes, Ms. Doubting Thomas, karaoke. I know it’s not the
fad anymore, which is why I want to do it. I’m going to help it make a comeback. The kicker is that everyone has to pick a song that best describes Rob and me. Right, babe?” she said, looking at Rob for approval.

“You got it,” he said, shooting her the same indulgent smile over his shoulder that I remembered from two years ago. I didn’t know whether to laugh or applaud the fact that Melissa still had him hooked so completely.

“Karaoke,” I repeated, trying to wrap my brain around the idea as Rob pulled into a crowded parking lot.

“Don’t worry, I called ahead,” Rob reassured us as we piled out of the car.

“Good man,” Justin said, falling in step with me as we headed into the restaurant together.

I tried to sort through how I felt about Justin no longer looking at or talking to me with animosity. For a brief moment, I could almost make myself believe we were all together back at school on a double date. In reality, though, nothing was the same, and I was setting myself up by trying to remember the old days. As we made our way to our table, I maneuvered myself so Melissa and Rob were on either side of me, hoping the buffer would help clear the rest of my mind. What I hadn’t counted on was that Justin would be sitting directly across from me. Throughout the meal, I couldn’t keep my eyes from finding his time and time again. Each time I looked, he was watching me with the same hooded expression that was hard for me to decipher.

Being thrown off by what his looks meant put me in constant
catch-up mode on the conversation. After having to ask Melissa to repeat herself three times, I finally lied and said that the trauma of being trapped all day had obviously frazzled my brain. I would rather bite out my tongue than confess what the real issue was, especially when I didn’t know myself. I was having a hard time figuring out if Justin was being cordial because Rob and Melissa were there or because he’d finally forgiven me and was ready to be friends. If it was the latter, I was unsure how that made me feel. Did I want his friendship? That was the question. That and whether I had forgiven him for the part he’d played.

Regardless, I was able to get through the meal without mishap. Dinner stretched into drinks that helped mellow my frazzled nerves. By the time Rob drove back to his office so Melissa and Justin could pick up their cars, I felt much more in control. I was able to relax as I climbed into the car with Melissa after giving Rob a hug and shooting Justin a smile.