Moment of Impact (6 page)

He was being suffocated and I know suffocated. Gus has a wall wrapped tightly around him as if it were a blanket. And I understand those walls, too. Lord knows I’ve spent my life putting up walls so I could please my parents. There are days I wonder if they know me at all. Did they ever even want me? Or was I their reason for conversation at the dinner parties they held with all their uptight friends? I’d listened in enough times at the conversation to know that bragging was as big an art form as dancing. The only difference is that my parents didn’t get sore legs and feet from it.

“You went somewhere again,” Gus says.

I realize I did and it sends a flash of fear skirting through my body. It’s not good to wander, even if it’s only in my mind. When I wander, I remember things I don’t want to recall.

“Don’t do it again or I’ll have to take over the grill.”

I chuckle because…I don’t know why. I feel light, almost like I do when I’m dancing. Except my feet are firmly planted on the concrete patio.

I hand him the spatula. “Be my guest.”

Gus had been quiet the rest of the evening. He manned the grill while Heather, Jenna and I set the table with everything we needed. We anchored napkins and paper plates with glasses and beer cans to keep the wind from blowing them off the table. Bobby, Jenna’s boyfriend, arrived with a twelve pack of beer that was gone before dinner was through.

Jenna had been quiet during most of dinner and didn’t seem like her normal self. Bobby had been by her side the entire time. And when he wasn’t, he was watching her. Gus and Bobby talked about sports, something I couldn’t be a part of since sports was never my thing. And when dinner was over, Heather disappeared somewhere down the beach. She was most likely going to the Windjammer. She wasn’t scheduled to work. At least, she wasn’t dressed for it. But Jason was there and it was a sure bet she wanted to see him.

“I’m headed to bed,” Jenna said with Bobby by her side. “We need to get up early to catch the ferry. We’re headed to Boston for the day.”

“You’re going on the mainland?” Penny asked.

“Yeah, do you need us to pick something up for you?” Bobby asked.

“If you could just drop off some letters at any of the post offices on the mainland, that’d be great.”

Jenna frowned. “Why not just mail them from the post office in town?”

Penny waved her off with her hand. “You know how long it takes anything to get mailed to and from the mainland. It’ll get there faster if you mail it from Boston.”

“Okay. Just leave whatever you need mailed on the kitchen table and I’ll pick it up when we leave,” Jenna says. She yawns as if the beer was getting to her and making her tired. But I know that Jenna hadn’t had any to drink. She also didn’t eat much.

“Goodnight,” I say as Bobby takes her by the hand and leads her up to Jenna’s room.

“I wonder what they’ll be doing in Boston,” I say, clearing the table of the last of the paper plates and leftover food.

“If they’re going all the way up to Boston for the day, it’s going to be a long day. No wonder they went to bed early,” Penny says. But then she winks at me and I know she doesn’t buy their early retreat to the bedroom to get sleep. “I’m headed up too. I want to get up early tomorrow to see them off and make sure they have my letters.”

Odd that Penny would care that much about letters, but I let it go. Her retreat meant that I’d be alone with Gus.

I grab the tray of condiments and glasses that we’d used during dinner off the picnic table and carry them into the house. Gus pulls the plastic tablecloth off the table and gives it a shake. It hadn’t been wiped down, but he folds it anyway and follows me inside. I don’t bother to tell him to wipe it down first. I’m just impressed that he’d take the initiative to fold it when I don’t think I’ve seen Heather do it even once.

I open the fridge and put the condiments on the door shelf and then close the door. I grab the glasses from the tray and put them into the soapy water in a bowl Penny had filled in the sink and when I turn around, I see Gus standing by the back door.

“I should go,” he says.

“Why? The fire just started. I have some marshmallows. Pretty soon the fire will be good and hot.”

“It’s not the only thing,” he says under breath. But I hear it and know what it means. I’ve seen it in him all night and felt it myself.

“We don’t have to go out by the fire.”

“It’s safer out there.”

I walk up to him and touch his arm where he has tattoo of a sword that starts at his shoulder and cascades down to his elbow.

“You don’t look the type of man to play it safe.”

His drew in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “These days I am.”

He pulls his arm out of my grip as if he’s untangling himself from me, leaving me cold. I hadn’t been holding his arm tight, but I feel the release of my fingers as if I’d been jettison free. I look into his face and try to read his expression. Blank. He doesn’t want to show me. He does this. It’s only when he’s caught off guard that Gus is here with me and he shows me who he is. I want him to come back so I reach for him, but he takes a long step back. Whatever courage I thought I had completely evaporates.

# # #

Lily

Embarrassment rises up my throat like bile. I swallow hard to keep my voice steady and not show him how confused I am.

“Okay. I get it. You don’t want me. Would you like it better if I went a little further across the room?”

“It’s not a matter of want. I don’t want to touch you,” he says. I squash down the pain that is suddenly filling the emptiness in my belly and lean against the counter.

I shake my head slowly. “You could have fooled me.”

His chest rises and falls as he takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly once again. His dark eyes never leave mine. His long brown hair is pushed forward, leaving a strand of hair hanging over one eye, making it hard to see how beautiful they are. But it’s in my memory. I’d looked at them all afternoon when we were out in the sun and his dark hair was slicked back from the ocean water.

I suddenly feel if I’m going to get through this humiliation, I’m not going to let him win this. He’s used to controlling. I never have any and this breaking me down isn’t getting us where I want to be.

There’s something there. Gus doesn’t show himself that often. He’s like a magician using tricks and mirrors. But I see it.

“You’re right,” he says quietly. “I do want to touch you. I just can’t.” No one is around. No one would hear. But this is for me. I know it is.

“Don’t you think that should be my decision?”

“No. It’s not happening.”

I feel like stomping my foot because he can be so infuriating. But I didn’t become the dancer I’d become without my own measure of stubbornness.

“You always do this.”

“What?”

“Push me away.”

I focus on the rise and fall of his chest as he stands a few feet away from me and stares. His gaze never leaves my face. Then he shakes his head just enough for me to see the movement. “I don’t want to ruin you.”

“You couldn’t do that.”

“You have no idea.” He lifts his chin and is about to say something. I can’t believe I know him already. He’s leaving me again. He’s physically in the kitchen with me. I can see him, breathe him in. I want him so much that it hurts. Yet, he’s hiding in that place he goes where he pretends he doesn’t give a fuck. I do. I’m not letting him go there. I won’t. Even if I have to reach in and grab him to keep him from disappearing again.

“Don’t do that,” I say as he opens his mouth to speak.

“What?” His eyes are amazing as he looks at me. As if he sees me. Sees through me. No one has ever done that before. I’ve been a puppet for so long that I’d forgotten just how much of me was really me. But I know he’s looking at the real me, not the girl whose parents parade her around for their fancy friends.

“Don’t leave me.”

His mouth curls into a slow smile. “I’m right here.”

“You disappear. You know you do. You don’t have to. Not with me.”

His eyes grow darker and serious. “No, Lily.”

He tries to flee into the other room, but I catch his arm. He looks down at my hand on his arm and then slowly back at my face.

“You don’t want this,” he says.

“How do you know what I want?”

“I told you. I’m not your play thing. There are a thousand guys on that beach every day who will do you the honor of fucking your brains out and then walking away. I’m not one of them.”

His words should have hurt. And they did to a point. But I can’t ignore the obvious.

“And yet you’re still here.”

His eyes flare with light so bright that it almost looks unnatural.

“I don’t want a play-thing,” I say quickly, knowing he’s not getting it. I don’t even know if I’m saying it right. I just don’t want him to disappear again.

“Whatever you think I am, you’re wrong. I’m not your good time. I’m not your savior. I’m your parents’ worst nightmare.”

“You’re forgetting one thing,” I say, reaching up to taste his mouth. He lets me. He doesn’t move. So I linger there, tasting him, teasing his lips with my tongue. Pressing myself against him because I want to be closer. Closer.

And when I pull away, he’s looking at me wearily. “What’s that?”

“You’re everything I want.”

His laugh is harsh. “You don’t know what the fuck you want, Lily.”

“How would you know? You don’t let yourself get close enough. You don’t even ask about me. You just assume. You don’t know anything about me.”

“And you know nothing about me. Which makes playing with me a scary thing for you.”

I swallow slowly. “I’m not scared.”

“You should be. You have no idea what I’ve done. What I’m capable of.”

I think back to my earlier thought about Gus being on parole. He’s right that I don’t know what he’s done. Murder? No. I can’t imagine it. But then, I’ve been sheltered for so long that my imagination didn’t stretch that far.

I press my back against the counter until the edge digs into my spine, but I don’t move away. I’m not afraid of him. Not the man. But I know without him uttering another word that his life leading up to this moment had been nothing like mine. And when…if... he reveals his secrets, it’ll make my life look so pale that I’ll barely be able to see myself.

“I’d like to know.” I swallow hard. “I’d like you to share it with me.”

“Which part? The part that got me locked up? The part that got me the scars on my back?”

I feel my eyes widened. “Scars?” I can’t remember if I’d seen them or not. I’d seen him walking out of the water with his paddleboard under his arm. He was too far away for me to see anything. Then earlier today he’d been wearing a wet suit.

“Covered up by a tattoo now. But they’re there. I’m…broken in ways you don’t want to know, Lily. Just let me go,” he says evenly, as if he’s using every bit of energy he has to stay calm. “Please.”

“If you’d really wanted that, you’d be gone already,” I whisper. I’ve never seen a man as naked as Gus seems right now. His vulnerability surges me on.

He moves as if he’s going to leave but I grab his hand. He gives me a lethal look. His jaw tightens as if he’s pissed. But he’s not.

“Let me go.”

“I’d rather have you stay.”

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lift on my toes so my whole body is pressed against his. His hands go to my waist, but he doesn’t push me away.

“You’re playing with fire again.”

“I want to burn. With you.”

His mouth comes down over mine with such force that it pushes me back. I hold onto him tighter as he crushes me against the counter, devouring my mouth with his. He snakes his tongue out as I had earlier and I open up to him. I can’t get enough.

With his wide palm, he cups my breast over my shirt. But I want more. I want to feel more. Pulling up my shirt, I undo the front clasp of my bra and my breasts spill out of the fabric. I take his hand and press it to my breast, and I moan as he’s kissing me. His hands are rough and calloused against my soft skin and scrap the tender flesh as he squeezes with gentle pressure.

Gus pulls back just enough to look at me for a brief second. He’s breathing as hard as I am. His dark eyes flare with fire and I feel the heat as if my flesh is burning. But the only fire that exists is what we’re making between us. He grips the hem of my shirt and peels it off me in one swift motion. Wrapping his arm around my waist, Gus lifts me up and sets me down on the kitchen island.

I grip him by his head and with both hands, I guide him forward so his mouth covers my nipple. Throwing my head back as he suckles, first gently and then with more urgency until my nipple peaks and then aches from wanting more, I feel heat pool between my legs. I don’t want all these clothes. I want to feel Gus’s skin burn against mine. I undo the button of my denim shorts. I want them off. But he gets to them before I do and slides them down my legs, along with my panties, and drops them on the floor.

I’m completely naked and he’s fully clothed. I pull at his shirt, but I’m clumsy and I get it stuck half way up his chest. With a gentle, but urgent pushing of my hands, Gus presses his splayed hand against my chest so I have to lean back on the island. He hooks both of my legs under my knees with his arms and lifts my legs higher until they’re resting on his shoulders. And then his mouth comes down over my stomach as his fingers stroke against my crotch. I’m wet and slick, making it easy to slide his fingers inside me. He strokes faster, kissing me all around my stomach and then lower to my thigh. He makes a trail of kisses and uses his tongue to tease me along the outside of my pussy.