Momfriends (21 page)

I was scared to pull out of the parking spot. I couldn’t make my hands move the gear shift. I felt my forehead and my underarms start to sweat. My heart was beating fast.

No, I was not going to let myself have a panic attack in front of my children. It had been eleven years since I had one. I. WAS. NOT. GOING. TO.

Seventeen deep breaths later, I pulled out of the parking spot. I was driving cautiously but driving.

“Bye-bye trees,” Sage shouted and I felt a lump in my throat. He wasn’t a loser. Those little Neanderthals hadn’t scarred him. Children are resilient, at least for a little while.

Sometimes, maybe I needed perspective. Maybe I needed someone to talk to who was over five and not David. All of my old friends were no longer living in New York. There were moms at Julissa’s preschool, but I didn’t think I could confide in them and it wasn’t very professional of me to talk to my clients about it, not that I usually saw any of them more than once.

I thought about Ruth. I hadn’t seen her since I brought over the potpie a couple of weeks ago. I got a thank-you card from her that said she had a great time in spite of my car trouble. It might be nice to stop by for a visit. I kept dropping in on her, but seeing her made me feel useful. There were no strings. If anything, it was a place to unreel. And besides, once again I only had an hour or so until I had to pick up Julissa.

I got the same spot I had the last time, right in front. I was going to hold on to my keys the entire time.

“Hey,” she said when she opened the door. She was dressed and showered. She even had lip gloss on. She hugged me, and I immediately was glad I came. “Hi, Sage

“Hi,” Sage said and waved.

“Sorry to pop over again,” I said. “But I was sort of in the neighborhood and I wanted to check in on you and the little man.”

“Well, we are doing ok today. Come on in.” Her apartment looked bigger or maybe because it was cleaned up. Abe was in his swing in front of a colorful video.

“It looks nice in here. You look nice, too.

“Thanks,” she said. She rolled her eyes. “My mother-in-law was here yesterday, and I always feel I need to tidy up for her. This was the first week I actually got to it.”

“How are things going?” I asked. Sage had already crouched in front of Abe and was making him smile. Naomi started to fuss and I immediately put her on the boob.

“Things are better, I guess. He still has these crazy crying spells. My boobs aren’t even enough. I think I am going to have to supplement. He still spends hours a day on me.”

“Well, that is going to change soon, you know.”

“I know all to well. I’ve started researching nannies. I have lined up all these interviews.”

“Oh, are you going back to work?”

“Yeah, my maternity leave is up in thirty-four days. I am so not ready,” she sighed. “You want a drink.”

“You know, I have to get Jules in about an hour,” I said. “But maybe something small.

“A glass of white wine.”

She went into the kitchen to get the wine, but not before the furtive new-mom glance and adjustment of Abe. Sage looked up at the video Abe was watching and was hypnotized. He never really watched TV, except at his cousins’ house. I felt myself cringe a little. The remote was right next to me on the couch, and I decided to shut off the TV. I held my breath and hoped Abe wouldn’t be too upset. But it was Sage who stomped his feet in protest.

“I wanna watch dat!”

“Love, why don’t we try interacting instead of watching something passively. Look at Abe. He wants you to make him laugh like you were. You can do better than a stinky TV.”

But Sage began to cry. This day would not get any better. Ruth came back in with two glasses of wine and handed one to me.

“What’s the matter, buddy,” she asked Sage, sweetly. She looked at me, confused. “Did the TV go out?”

“No, uh, I shut it. Sage doesn’t really watch TV.”

“But I want to,” Sage screamed. I couldn’t stick to my ideals today, not if it meant dealing with a tantrum. Ruth looked up at me, waiting. If Sage cried than Abe was probably going to follow suit.

“I’ll put it back on,” I said, softly. I looked at her and shrugged. “Choose your battles, right.”

She nodded and I got that she probably didn’t think this was a battle worth fighting. We clinked glasses. The wine was cool and refreshing. Ruth closed her eyes and nodded.

“Drinking in the afternoon,” she said. “I should start doing more of this.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Is it wrong,” she asked.

“No, it’s wonderful,” I said. Honestly, I immediately felt relaxed. Maybe somehow the day would turn around.

“Maybe one day you should come over, you know, when you have more time,” she said, hesitantly.

“I would like that,” I said. “A lot. Or maybe we should go out one night. You know without the kids.”

“Wow, that would be awesome,” she said, happily and laughed at her own enthusiasm. “I was always a little overeager on dates.”

“Me too. I’ve been thinking lately, that I wish I had more adults in my life. You know, to talk to.”

It felt so weird to say that. For so long, I hadn’t ever thought I needed that. For so long David had been more than enough.

“Wow, I thought it was just me,” Ruth said. “I really miss work because of that. I mean it’s not that I love working, but I think I miss the interaction. You know, people around to check in, make sure you don’t go off the deep end.”

I looked up at her and held her eyes, to see if she was doing ok. And then instead of speculating, I asked.

“Are you ok?”

“I think so. I think better. But every time I feel I got a handle on this, something happens and I don’t. And then it’s already flying by. So fast. I want to enjoy it. I want to have fun. I want to have sex,” she said, surprising herself. “Wow! TMI. How much have I been drinking?”

I laughed. And she looked me in the eye this time.

“But seriously, when do I want to have sex again?”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “I guess it’s different for everyone.”

The truth for me was that we barely made it to the six week mark without having sex. I missed him so much. And now, I couldn’t think of the last time it had happened. But I couldn’t tell her that. She didn’t need the extra pressure.

“It’s not that my husband is pressuring me. He is patient, but how long does the patience last? Part of me wants to do it and, you know, get it over with, but then I don’t know if I mentally or physically can.”

“Well, I will say that you should lower your expectations for the first time back. I mean no matter how into it you are it can be a little painful and sometimes,” I took a sip of my wine, trying to remember the last time I had a conversation like this with a woman. “Sometimes it can be a little, you know, dry.”

Her eyes widened in horror. I immediately regretted what I said.

“Really?”

“That can be remedied. It’s not a big deal.” She shook her head. “For real, it’ll get better. It will get back.”

“Does it? Did it for you and um – “

“David. It did. I mean it was, but now . . . it’s not.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong? Is it because of the car thing?”

The car thing. I wished it was because of the car thing. I wish it was one thing I could put my finger on and not this general feeling that something was very very wrong. And once again I was going to start talking to someone I didn’t know all that well about David. I couldn’t go there today.

“No, it’s not the car thing. It’s a lot of things. Hey, how is your neighbor. Claudia?”

‘I saw her one day and she gave me a bunch of food, but I haven’t really seen her since then.”

“I saw her at my daughter’s school. I think she wants her kids to get in. She got her hair cut.”

“Really? Wow, that seemed like such a big part of her identity,” Ruth said. We looked at each other and laughed.

“I can’t quite get a read on her, except that she really wants her kid to get into that school,” I said.

“I know, I think she means well. I mean she made me all that food, but it was almost as if she was trying to win a prize or something. It was sweet, but it was also weird.”

“She keeps telling me that she wants to get together for a playdate.”

“Her kids are really sweet.”

“They are. I should call her to set it up. Maybe you want to come.”

“Maybe,” Ruth said. “Maybe, you just don’t want to be alone with her.”

“Maybe,” I said and smiled. Girl talk. I had been missing that. There was something cozy about Ruth’s apartment, the light, the couch and now that she was feeling better, the mood. But I had to get Jules. I said my good-byes.

“We will definitely set something up. Can you get a babysitter or your husband?”

“Yes, I really need a night out. Or who knows maybe that playdate with Claudia will happen.”

“Right,” I said, collecting Naomi and Sage to leave. “See you.”

As I finished buckling Sage in the car (keys in hand the whole time), I saw Claudia herself, pushing a double stroller up to her house. She was scowling and walking fast. I probably could have made it to the car without her seeing me, but when I saw her I felt a little guilty that we had been gossiping about her, especially after she gave me that ride and listened to me vent.

“Hi, Claudia,” I said. She was totally pulled out of her thoughts and shook her head. She headed over to me.

“Oh, hey, Kirsten,” she said. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Guess I keep running into you. “

“Yeah,” she said. She seemed really freaked out about something. “I had to pick these guys up at day care because Jacob has a stomach bug. I guess it’s going around. Hope your guys don’t get it.”

“Ooh, I hope he feels better, poor guy.”

“Yeah,” she said and looked down at him. “It was tough to get back from work and I had to cancel a lunch plan.”

“Big meeting?”

“No, it was with, um, it was with a colleague, this man, Keith, but we’ve been trying to, um get together, you know for lunch for a while and, well it was unexpected.”

I have always been able to read people’s body language better than most as an adjustment for my ear, but even a blind person would have been able to gauge that there was way more to the story then Claudia was telling.

“It always is tough when they get sick,” I said. She nodded. Her mind was still on other things.

“So are you here to take picture of Ruth’s son?”

“Oh no, I was visiting. “

“But I didn’t think you guys knew each other,” she said, almost accusingly.

“Well, we don’t really, “I said. “I was just dropping by.”

“Oh, did you make her more food?” Again, the accusation. There really was something about this woman. Maybe she meant well–she talked the talk, but she didn’t really walk the walk.

“No, it was a social call.”

“Oh, I see.” She looked upset. I felt bad that I never followed up with her about the playdate she wanted to set up. I felt I needed to do something.

“I was meaning to call you about the playdate,” I said.

“Oh, yeah,” she said, as if she didn’t believe me. It was almost a challenge. I was ready to accept.

“Yes, and actually, I was talking to Ruth and we were thinking that maybe it would be fun to you know have a night out, no kids, just us.”

“Really,” Claudia said. She seemed so unexpectedly pleased. My day had been a roller coaster but nothing compared to this conversation.

“Yeah,” I said.

“When?” She was pulling out her Blackberry. She was ready to schedule right this minute.

“Well, we need to talk to Ruth and check her schedule. “

“Ok,” she said. She put her Blackberry down at her side but not away. “Just keep me in the loop.”

“I will. Have a good night,” I said. I looked at Jacob. He looked green. “Feel better, pal.”

I waved bye to the kids. I got in the car and drove away to get Julissa. I had two solid conversations with adults that weren’t with David or any member of his family.

A little adult contact, maybe some lip gloss, plans for a night out. It could be just the recipe to keep from, as Ruth said, going off the deep end.

Chapter 12

Ruth Expands her Social Circle

As soon as I get to the restaurant, I begin to regret it. I am the mother of a ten-week-old infant. I shouldn’t be having a night out. Nights out were what childless people did.

I almost called it off so many times. Steve was supposed to be able to get out early and then he wound up having to work late, so I was going to call it off, but he insisted on calling his mother to come wait until he got back. I guess he really wanted me to have a night out. I suspect it was because he wanted to justify future nights out for himself, but maybe it was because he really cared about my mental health.

Anyway, Pam came early so I would have time to get ready. I actually showered and blew my hair out. I kept opening the door in the bathroom to see if Abe needed me. He didn’t.

I tried on almost everything in my closet and nothing fit right. I had been afraid to go shopping. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to buy any new clothes until I lost this baby weight, so now I had nothing to wear.

I finally settled on a black V-neck T-shirt that was only slightly stretched out. It fell to my hips so it partially covered my stomach, which I would try and suck in throughout the evening. I threw a blue cardigan on top. It would have been more suitable for a night in February than one at the beginning of July, but I needed the coverage. I felt so nervous, like I was going to leak or people were going to stare at my giant breasts and my flabby stomach.

“Look how nice Mother looks,” Pam said to Abe when I came out. I appreciated the lie, because I suspected that she knew that the mother of such a young baby didn’t deserve a night out. She didn’t have nights out when she was a new mom or that’s what I gathered when she told me how lucky I was to have a husband like Steve who could handle my child.

It was almost as if I had never left the house before. I kept walking from room to room, trying to remember what I was looking for, and forgetting what I needed to do. It was exhausting. Finally, when I had done it all, the hair, the makeup, and the jewelry and said my good-byes to Pam, I almost forgot to kiss Abe, who Pam had miraculously got to sit in his bouncy seat and chill.