Monkey Business (8 page)

‘Hmm,’ Flo was looking thoughtful. ‘But it can’t just be bananas. If you eat too many of them you get a Dire Ear, you know.’

Felix sat up. ‘A Dire Ear? What is that?’

‘It is something very bad which means you cannot go swimming or go to ballet lessons. It happened to Millie Hampton after Sophie Disbry’s birthday party where they had all these
banana-and-honey sandwiches, which Millie ate thirty-six of,’ Flo said, with great authority.

Felix burst out laughing. ‘Well, serves her right for being a great greedy whatsit! Anyway, we are not going to give the orang-utan banana-and-honey sandwiches, just bananas on their own.
And I think that they eat other vegetables too.’

‘A banana is not a vegetable,’ said Flo.

‘I never said it was,’ Felix protested.

‘You said that they eat “
other
vegetables”—’

‘Flo!’ Felix butted in. ‘It doesn’t matter, just listen – they eat vegetables and fruit – and probably peanuts as well. I can check in my book on apes anyway.
So we’d better start collecting vegetables and fruit and peanuts for when the orangutan comes to be adopted. By me,’ he added firmly. Flo was not going to take over
that
part of
the plan.

Flo stared hard into the distance for a moment and then she said, ‘The vegetables are no problem at all. Dad is already starting to grow a load of disgusting things that I will never eat,
so when they are grown I will pick them and give them to the orang-utan. What’s his name? Ronnie?’

‘Reggie. What kind of disgusting things?’ Felix added suspiciously.

‘Brussels sprouts,’ said Flo, curling her top lip disdainfully.

‘Uuuuurrrgh!’ spat Felix. ‘I’m
not
giving Reggie Brussels sprouts! They might poison him!’

Flo put her hands on her hips and said in a low, menacing kind of voice, like those baddies on the telly who are mean but also a bit cool: ‘The orang-utan will eat the Brussels sprouts,
even if we have to wrap them in banana skins to fool it into thinking they are something more tasty than what they really are.’

Felix sighed heavily. He reminded himself that things could be a lot worse, so he swallowed all his words about Flo being a bossy old boot and instead he said, ‘OK.’

Flo smiled. ‘Great. So I’ll be in charge of the Brussels sprouts then.’

Felix had a thought. ‘When do the Brussels sprouts actually sprout?’

‘What?’

‘Well, what I mean is, normally you eat them for Christmas, and it’s May now, so will they actually grow in time for Reggie to arrive? Cos, if I am getting Reggie for my birthday,
that is only one week away.’

Flo put on her Mum-type voice and said, ‘Don’t worry about that. I’m sure it will be fine,’ which didn’t really answer Felix’s question, but that was all she
would say on the matter.

After Felix’s mum had dropped Flo back at her house, Felix asked if he could go on the computer.

‘Why?’ Mum asked. ‘Haven’t you got some homework to do?’

Felix crossed his fingers behind his back and mumbled, ‘I need the computer to do my homework, actually. It’s all about orang-utans and their Habitat, which is a very scientific word
which means “where animals live”,’ he added.

The phone started ringing, so Mum ran into the kitchen to answer it, calling over her shoulder, ‘OK, but you’ll have to get off it when Merv comes in cos he’s got to finish his
science project for tomorrow.’

Felix smiled. Using the word ‘homework’ had well and truly Put Mum Off the Scent.

He went into the study and turned on the computer. A fizzy feeling built up in his tummy as he thought of how perfect life with Reggie would be. Maybe Reggie would even teach him how to swing
from the trees himself! Maybe once Mum had got used to the idea he might be allowed to spend one night a week up in the tree and he and Reggie could have sleepovers.

Felix spent the next half hour surfing the Internet for information about orang-utans. He found a very interesting site that told him exactly what he needed to know:

What do orang-utans eat?

Orang-utans eat mostly fruit – their favourites are huge spiky fruits called
Durian
. These fruits smell terrible, and taste a bit like custard
and garlic, but orang-utans love them! Orang-utans also eat some flowers, honey, bark, leaves and insects.

How many babies do orang-utans have?

Orang-utans only have one baby at a time. There is a lot to learn about life in the forest and so babies stay with their mother and learn from her until they
are seven or eight years old – this is longer than any other mammal except humans.

Where do orang-utans sleep?

Orang-utans sleep in nests in the trees which they make every day from leaves and branches. Orangutans are arboreal, which means that they spend nearly all
their time in the trees and hardly ever come to the ground. This makes them different from other apes like chimpanzees, gorillas and humans, who all spend a lot of time on the ground.

A fruit that tasted of custard and garlic? Felix wasn’t sure he wanted to have anything to do with that. And would he have to go around collecting insects for Reggie to
crunch on? No, Reggie would probably go out into the garden and find his own ants, Felix reasoned. And probably Mum would be pleased about that, because she hated it when there were ants’
nests on the patio in the summer. She usually went out and put ant powder down to try and kill them.

Felix was about to shut down the site when Merv came into the study with his headphones on. He was wearing his worst kind of don’t-come-near-me-or-I’ll-flatten-you scowl, a beanie
pulled down as far as it could go without blindfolding him and a pair of jeans showing so much underwear he might as well have gone without them altogether and worn just pants.

‘Hey, low-life,’ Merv snarled. ‘Wot you up to? Let me guess . . .’ He peered at the screen. ‘Apes! I should have known. Figures anyway – takes one to know
one. Har, har, har!’

Felix scuttled out of the room while his brother was too busy enjoying his own joke to thump him or throw something at him.

He ran into the kitchen. ‘Mum! Did you buy any bananas or plums or any kind of fruit today?’

‘Yes,’ said Mum, looking puzzled. ‘Why?’

‘I’m – I’m
staaaaarving
!’ said Felix, putting as much feeling into his voice as he could.

‘Sorry? Am I hearing correctly? Or am I perhaps dreaming? My younger son who survives on a diet of Monster Pops, toast and chocolate is asking me for some FRUIT to EAT?’ Mum said,
talking to the wall in an over-the-top outraged and surprised kind of way.

‘Yeah, well, I do love bananas you know that.’

‘That’s true,’ Mum said, nodding. ‘How could I forget the famous banana-tree incident?’

Felix blushed a bit. Then he crossed his fingers behind his back for the second time that day and ploughed on, ‘And it’s kind of part of my PSHE homework about, er, healthy
eating,’ he said. ‘We have to eat some fruit, and then write down what it tasted like and, er, stuff like that,’ he ended lamely.

‘I thought you said your homework was to do with apes and their habitat?’ Mum asked suspiciously.

‘Oh, yes, that too,’ Felix said. Rats, this was getting complicated. ‘The PSHE homework is a week-long project where we have to write down all kinds of things about healthy
food,’ he said rashly. Uh-oh. This would mean healthy meals for a whole week now.

‘OK,’ said Mum. ‘Take a look in the fruit bowl – we have some bananas and apples and a few oranges.’

‘Great!’ Felix rushed to the fruit bowl and helped himself to three bananas and two oranges.

‘Hey!’ Mum exclaimed. ‘I’m cooking tea – don’t ruin your appetite.’

Felix was already halfway up the stairs with the fruit in his hands. ‘It’s OK! I’m so hungry – I’ll eat tea too.’

‘And don’t eat in your room! You’ll only leave the skins lying around . . .’

The phone rang again, which meant Mum was distracted. Felix bolted up to his room and rummaged around under his bed until he found an old shoebox. It had once contained, amongst other things, a
spider’s nest, which Felix had been closely observing over the winter months. Unfortunately he had forgotten to observe it one week and in that time, the eggs had hatched and the spiders had
ended up all over his room. Some had even got inside his pants and socks and stuff. It had been a bit tickly.

He put the bananas and the oranges in the box and stashed it back under his bed. I can add to this every day, he thought happily, and then by the time Reggie gets here there’ll be loads of
food for him to eat.

Mum was unusually cheery when Felix came back downstairs. She was beaming all over her face and even occasionally chuckling to herself as if she’d just heard a
fantastically funny joke on the radio. She often chuckled at the radio, although Felix could never understand what it was that she found so amusing. Most of the radio programmes she listened to
were decidedly un-funny in his opinion.

It turned out it wasn’t the radio, though, that had made her laugh.

‘I have just had the most
hilarious
conversation with Flora’s mum!’ she announced.

Felix felt all the blood drain from his face and an icy-cold hand grasped his insides. He did not like the sound of this ‘hilarious conversation’. Mum and Mrs Small weren’t
even friends. They only ever rang each other to talk about the school run or whether or not it was a school trip or a spelling test that day.

Was Mum playing a trick on him? He shot her a very nervous glance. Or – much worse – had Flo Given the Game Away about Reggie?

He swallowed dryly before answering, ‘Oh?’

‘Yes! You wouldn’t believe it, but Flora thinks you are getting an orang-utan for your birthday – as a
pet
to come and
live
with you
here
!’ she
guffawed.

Felix’s icy innards did a double back-flip. What was Flo
thinking
of?

‘Yes,’ continued Mum cheerfully, ‘apparently you were worried you didn’t have enough food for it, so she’s going to be getting all the Brussels sprouts from her
dad’s allotment that (and I’m quoting Flora here) “no one in their right mind ever wants to eat”.’

Felix felt intensely sick. He had been betrayed! He realized now that he had not thought about the details of it, but he had assumed that Zed would bring Reggie round on his birthday and that
Mum would not be able to do anything about it, because the orang-utan would come with all the information from the charity about how mistreated he had been and that would mean Mum couldn’t be
cruel and send him back.

But it was never going to work now. Mum was cross enough about Dyson and Colin and Hammer and the snails and the spiders and every other animal Felix had ever had anything to do with. She would
never say yes to Reggie. Except, she was still smiling . . .

‘Erm, but you’re not cross?’ Felix ventured.

Mum laughed again. ‘Cross? How can I be cross? It’s funny, that’s all – and rather sweet.’

‘Sweet?’ Felix was puzzled. Was Mum starting to talk like Uncle Zed? Did she mean ‘sweet’ as in ‘it’s cool that you are getting an orang-utan’? Or did
she mean ‘sweet’ as in ‘it’s so cute’?

‘Yes,’ Mum went on, beaming. ‘It’s lovely that you and Flora play so imaginatively together. When I was your age I played “making house” or “cops and
robbers” or things like that. But coming up with the idea of having an imaginary orangutan – and opening your own zoo – it’s amazing!’

Imaginary?

Then Felix thought again about what Flo’s mum had said about ‘make-believe plans’ and everything fell into place. The mums thought this was all a game! Felix squirmed and
shuffled on his chair and drew pictures with his finger on the wipe-clean tablecloth. How was he going to explain this? What would Mum say when she found out that Reggie really
was
coming to
live with them? Would she make him cancel the adoption? And, if she did, what would happen to Reggie? Would he have to go back and live with the people who had raised him and made his life so
horrible? Felix felt a wall of tears back up behind his eyes and a rush of words push against his throat and before he could stop to think things through properly, he had blurted: ‘But
it’s
not
imaginary! The orang-utan really
is
coming to live with us. And he’s called Reggie. Zed found him on the Internet.’ And he went on to tell Mum all about
Zed’s promise to adopt him an animal for his birthday, and the research they had done on the WWF website.

As Felix spoke, he saw the smile on Mum’s face fade away. Finally it had completely melted, leaving her with a distinctly stony expression.

‘Ah,’ she said. And then she said, ‘Is that exactly, word for word, what that crazy brother of mine has told you?’

Felix gave a hard sniff to try and keep the tears at bay while he thought for a moment and then he said, ‘Well, no. Not exactly word for word. But he has said that it would be cool to
adopt me an orang-utan for my birthday. And when you adopt a child it comes to live in your house, doesn’t it? So obviously that is what is going to happen with Reggie – he is going to
come and live here. Otherwise what would be the point in doing the adoption thing?’

Mum grimaced. ‘I think we need to get Zed over tonight to explain things,’ was all she would say.

Unfortunately by the time Zed and Silver made it round, Mum had had a few more words to say on the topic of her ‘crazy brother’s ridiculous ideas’. The second
Zed walked through the door, Felix launched himself into the hallway at his uncle, throwing his arms round his legs. Colin had been sitting in the middle of the floor, watching a spider, so he
nearly got trampled on. He shrieked and streaked out of the front door, seconds before it closed, narrowly missing his tail.

‘Mum says Reggie won’t really come to live with us because that’s not what animal adoption means, and I didn’t believe her so she made me look it up on the Internet and
read all the tiny, small words about what happens when you pay your money, and it says that Reggie will stay in Africa and it’s just the charity that gets your money and all I get is the
letters, but
you
said he was adopted and
I
thought—!’