Moonshine (7 page)

10

Shine

I made it through my first day back at school, barely. Spending the last half of my day in the nurse’s office wasn’t so bad. She asked me several times if I wanted to just go home for the day, but that wasn’t an option. I told her I felt most comfortable laying there and she allowed it, thank goodness. Once we got through her questions I felt much better. She was curious about my panic attacks, and it seemed she recognized what was wrong as soon as Moon brought me into her office. Not wanting to go into much detail, I just told her enough to keep her from calling my parents. She said that it would get easier as long as I was taking my medicine properly. Little did she know I had already taken two pills that day. Obviously the medicine was not going to be helping me, not in a situation this bad.

It must have looked really bad for me to be carried out of the classroom and into the nurse’s station. Thankfully this will add to my never-ending list of things that people will be discussing behind my back. I certainly didn’t want to think about the fact that Moon was the one who got me to the nurse safely. He is always the one who takes care of me, and it hurts me that I have to keep him at such a distance.

              When I got home from school I went straight to my room. The third degree from my parents was the last thing I needed. I would have to lie and tell them how wonderful it was to see everyone; otherwise I would have an appointment with the crazy doctor first thing in the morning.

I sat my backpack down on my bed and turned on my stereo. Sometimes the quiet was hard for me t
o listen to. I just needed the noise to be louder than the voices in my head. I decided that I would spend my evening catching up on all the homework I had missed. The nurse sent one of the teacher’s aides around to collect all of my missing assignments because of course I felt too weak to do it myself. Now I have homework to last me for days and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Mom snapped me out of my thoughts when she came to tell me dinner was ready. I put a smile on my face and let her know that I would be right down. I could do this. I could play this part of the happiest daughter on the planet. I would only have to keep up the façade when they were around. This shouldn’t be too hard.

At dinner I told them about seeing the girls from the squad. It wasn’t technically a lie. I had seen Katie, and of course I told them about Moon. I tried not to go into too many details about him though.  I am sure that my mom and his mom would be chatting it up before the week was out. They asked me several more questions and I breezed through them with a smile on my face, never faltering. Inside I was screaming.

Once back inside my room I was physically and mentally exhausted. It took more work than I thought it would to act like I cared, and sleep was calling my name.

The next several weeks seem to pass by with more ease. The doctor finally took the cast off my arm, and people at school finally gave up trying to talk to me. I guess they realized I wasn’t going to talk back, and classes became easier once people finally stopped laughing and taunting me. Once they found someone new to talk about, I was free and clear. I thought that Moon had finally given up too, but I was wrong.

It was Friday afternoon and I was about to leave school. I had already stopped by my locker and grabbed my things and was heading out to my car. It wasn’t until I was a few feet away that I looked up and noticed him standing there. He leaned up against my drive
r’s side door. He knew that I’d seen him so it was too late to pretend that I didn’t. Damn it. What do I do? I couldn’t just turn around and run even though I wanted to real bad. I stepped as close as I could to my car without hyperventilating.

“I know that you don’t want to see me or talk to me, but there is something I need to get off my chest. Seeing as you still can’t even look at me, I wrote you a letter. I was hoping that this would be a way that I could still talk to you.” He held the letter out in his hand waiting for me to take it, but I didn’t want to step any closer to him. Just being as close as we are now was making it difficult for me to breathe. I couldn’t deny my love for this man, but it’s just too difficult to be near him right now. It wasn’t just him either. I didn’t want to be near any man. It was just the hardest with him.

“Look,” he held up the letter for me to see. “I will just slide it right here under your windshield wiper. I hope that you read it. I will leave you alone now.” Never once did I make eye contact with him even as he told me bye.

I waited for him to leave before I let out the air I had been holding. Standing there
, I waited until I thought he was out of sight before I took the letter off of my window. I climbed into my car and locked the doors, just as I did every single day. My hands were so shaky that I fumbled with the paper trying to open it. I wanted so badly to see what he had to say. Whether it was good or bad, I still had to know. The paper felt thick like there may be more than one page which would be unusual for Moon. Heck, the fact that he was writing at all was unusual to say the least. It must be really important if he’s taken the time to write it down. Shaking, I turned the corner down until it was completely unfolded. On the top of the page he had written, Dear Shine Baby and that was all it took for the tears to start to fall. I couldn’t read it here I had to get out of this parking lot and somewhere by myself before I could finish the letter.

I drove around town several times before I settled on a spot to be alone. I ended up parking behind the old drive-in theatre. The place was abandoned now, but Moon and I would sometimes find ourselves staking our claim here. It’s peaceful and the gravel was still in place where you could park and be alone. A lot of times Moon would bring me here on Friday nights after cheering for the night’s big game. We would lie back on the hood of the car and watch the stars. Sometimes he would even think to bring a blanket so that we could lie on the ground. It
was a special place for us. We had shared some of our best talks here. Very few people ever came here, because the grassy areas were never kept up and the weeds had grown up around everything. I loved it here though. Moon had made us a path through the weeds that backed right up to his papaw’s farm. Once you passed the old empty silo you were on his papaw’s property. We would sometimes find ourselves walking that path more than once in a weekend. Right next to the silo was an old mill. Me, him, and Josh would sit down at the mill and drink sometimes on the weekends when there was nothing else to do. We made some amazing memories at this old place.

When I found my favorite parking spot, I put my car in park.
I can do this,
I thought to myself as I begin to read his letter.

Dear Shine Baby,

             
I have so many things I want to tell you that it is hard for me to know where to start. You are probably wondering what the hell I am doing even writing this letter to you to begin with. I can’t talk to you face to face so this is the next best thing. It has been so long since the last time I talked to you. I mean like old times. Lately, it seems like we will never be able to go back to that place and it scares me, but it’s not the reason I am writing.

I’m writing because you are sick and I know it. Your eyes look black and you’ve lost a lot of weight. You look lost inside that head of yours. Where are you? Where is my Shine? She
is gone and I want her back. I’m scared that I’m going to lose you for good, the same way that I lost my dad. Please don’t do this. I feel like I am treading water and I am going to drown. I need you so bad. I have given you plenty of time, now I want you back in my life.

I
realize now that we are both messed up and it’s because we haven’t been together. We have never spent this much time apart and it’s killing me. It looks like it’s killing you too.

You asked for time to let you heal, but you are not healing, you are getting worse. Let me help you. I want to so bad. I miss you. Can’t we just start small or something? I’ll take anything you want to give me.

Mom also wanted me to tell you that she has been thinking about you every day. She really wants to see you. I’m not sure but I think she thinks you are mad at her for some reason. I told her that you weren’t, but you know women. You don’t have to go see her. I know that that would be too hard for you, but maybe you could call her to just say hello. She told me just the other day that she feels like she lost her husband and daughter all in one day. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
I mean I want to fucking scream at you right now, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. You would only hate me worse. I don’t want to be mad at you, but a part of me is because you left me.
What am I saying? I’m not mad; I just miss you so damn much that I can’t think straight. Do you miss me? I really hope you do.

I won’t bother you anymore. I just wanted you to know exactly how I was feeling. I hope that you will write me back or maybe even talk to m
e soon, but if not at least I’ll feel better knowing I told you.

Remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. You’re my best friend. Forever!!

                                                                                                  Love,

             
                                                                                    Moon

I stepped out of the car and shut the door behind me. As bad as I couldn’t breathe before it was worse now. His letter touched my heart and he had no idea how much I missed him, but he couldn’t help me now. No one could help me. The tears fell down fast and hard. Before I knew what I was doing I had already walked half the path and was nearing close to the mill. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t ready for that. Turning around quickly, I ran as fast as I could back to my car. I turned the stereo up as loud as it would go and pulled out of the parking lot at full speed. I would go home take a few extra pills and try to sleep away these feelings.

11

Moon

She didn’t realize that I followed her from school. I saw her pull into the old drive-in parking lot and my heart just about beat out of my chest.
What was she doing here? I parked across the street at the Gas n Go hoping that she wouldn’t catch me. My mustang was loud and I cut the engine off as soon as I got it parked.  Trying not to be seen, I slouched down in my seat. If she had seen me she didn’t let me know it. The minutes past by like hours and it was unsettling. It was like waiting in your room for your parents to come serve you your punishment. I wiped the sweat from my eyebrow and kept my eyes on her car. I was looking for any kind of movement.

              She opened the door to her car and out she came. She had my letter in her hands and she was waving her arms in the air while she paced. I couldn’t see her face from where I was sitting but by the way she was moving I could tell she was upset. It wasn’t exactly the reaction that I was going for. Really I was hoping she would come running to me with open arms, guess I was wrong again. What is she doing? She was heading back our trail, the one that led to papaw’s farm. My head was going back and forth. I couldn’t decide if I should chase after her or not. Running my hands down the sides of my jeans, I decided what the hell. I am going. I closed the door as quietly as I could and started across the parking lot. When I reached the edge of the road about to cross the street, I saw her running back. My feet quit moving. I was glued to the spot and couldn’t move. God, I hope she doesn’t see me. She got into her car and peeled out. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to her and make sure she was okay, before she hauled ass.

             
Two weeks passed and she still had not responded to my letter. She didn’t call, text or write me. I didn’t get a hello or a fuck you. Afraid that she would run, I never risked talking to her. I let her be, even when her birthday passed. I sent her a happy birthday text but I got no response. I didn’t figure I would. I thought the two of us would be partying hard on her eighteenth birthday, but I got a HELL NO in the form of zero text messages. Mom even took her a cake, but Lizzie said that she wasn’t feeling well and that she was spending the day in bed. This is what I am talking about. Who spends their eighteenth birthday in the fucking bed?

             
I decided to talk to mom about her, as bad as I didn’t want to. She would worry about her, especially when I tell her what kind of shape she’s in. I would be in an awkward position, but someone has to know. Maybe mom would talk to her parents and see if someone could get through to her. In the meantime, I have to come up with a plan to get her to pay me some attention. I’m not sure exactly what yet, but something has to work.

             
Mom was at the house when I got home from school. I told her that morning that I wanted to talk about Shine and she promised she would be there when I got home.

             
“Ryker, is that you?” Mom asked as I walked in the door.

             
“Yeah Mom, it’s me.”

             
“I’m in the kitchen, Baby. You hungry?” She asked.

             
“Starving,” I kissed her cheek.

             
“There is a pot roast and taters in the cooker over on the countertop.”

             
“It smells good.”

             
“The cooker is doing the cooking, not me, but thank you. Come on, let’s sit over here and you can tell me what’s been bothering you.” She motioned for me to follow her to the bar stools.

             
I let out a long sigh before I could even start talking.

             
“That bad huh?” she patted my shoulder.

             
“It’s real bad, Momma. Shine is sick. She is really sick and she won’t talk to me and I don’t know what to do.” The words came out of me so fast I wasn’t sure if she could even keep up.

             
“Okay, how about we start from the beginning and you slow it down for me?” She shook her head and it made me smile. Momma was a tiny little thing. People would flock to her, like flies to honey. You can’t help but love her. She is the sweetest woman and everyone in this town knows her and loves her. You wouldn’t know she was my momma by looking at her. She stands right over five feet tall and has blond hair and green eyes. I am six foot three with brown hair and blue eyes. We are like night and day. The only way to tell that I belong to her is by the dimples in our cheeks. Our smiles match exactly.

             
I snapped out of it and went on with my story. I told her everything from start to finish. She never interrupted and cried a lot. Crying wasn’t something I was prepared to go through with her, but that’s where it went. I had to bring up dad in my story. There was no way around it. I’m sure that she was flashing back. I felt bad.

             
“That is so sad. I will have to call and talk to Bill and Lizzie about this.” Of course, I knew that she would want to call her parents. Immediately, I felt like I had betrayed Shine and that this would make her hate me worse.

             
“Momma, I just don’t know if that is such a good idea, now that I think about it. She already hates me and if she gets into trouble with her parents she will never speak to me again.”

             
“It won’t be like that. I’m sure that her parents will not make this troublesome for her. They will be just as worried as I am, and if you’d like I will never mention your name. It will seem as if you had nothing to do with it.” I guess that would be okay. At least then she wouldn’t blame me.

             
“Fine, but make sure that I am left out of it.”

             
“I will.”

             
She got up from the barstool to check on supper. “Momma, I was wondering if you had any ideas that would help me get her to talk to me. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I have no idea what to do.” It feels like a lost cause.

             
“She’ll come around soon enough. You don’t want to do anything crazy and screw things up worse.”

             
“Maybe, but I just can’t wait any longer. I’m gonna get her back somehow.” I hit the countertop with a little too much force, causing mom to glare at me over the cooker.

             
“Why don’t you just tell her that you are in love with her?”

             
I jerked my head up quickly at momma’s words. “How did you know?”

             
“Oh honey, it’s no secret. You have loved that girl since the moment you laid eyes on her. The day you became Moon, you never left her side.” She was right. I have loved her all these years. I should have just told her. I let out a loud deep breath.

             
“You’re right. I love her so much that it’s killing me. I need her back and somehow I have to figure out a way.” Quickly I stood from the stool and didn’t wait for mom to respond. “I’m taking a shower and I will be down for supper in a few.” She nodded her head and smiled as I ran off to clear my head.