More Than Enough (More Than Series, Book 5) (30 page)

“It’s real easy to forget when you’re here. I’m sure they don’t forget what you’re doing for them, though.”

He nods slowly, carefully placing the pictures back in his pocket. Then he smiles when he looks back at me. “Yo. What do you think our girl’s doin’ right now?”

“A: She’s
my
girl. Not
ours
. And B:…” I close my eyes and settle my head on my rucksack, trying to picture her smile, hear her laugh, but the only thing I can see are eyes the color of sadness. I release a breath, my heart aching for her. “I just hope she’s finding the strength she needs to get through the day.”

Riley

Two years.

That’s how long it’s been since I’d driven up this road. Since I’ve seen the clear blue of the lake. Since I’ve sat on these rocky embankments watching the sun filter through the water.

Two long years.

And I don’t know how I feel.

I glance down at Bacon sitting on my lap. “Well… I’m here. That’s something, right?”

He pops his head up, just for a second, before settling back down on my arm.

I take a breath, ignoring the thundering of my heart as I slowly tear my gaze away from him and up to the edge of the cliff, a thousand questions running through my mind. I wonder if it knows the heartbreak it caused—the life it took that created an onset of events that brought me here. “Time to make Daddy proud,” I tell Bacon, setting him on the ground beside me. I stand and turn my back on the cliff and the lake and focus on him. “I bet you’re sick of me talking about him, huh?” I clip the leash on his collar. Squatting down so we’re eye to eye, I say, “You’ll love him, Bacon. And he’ll love you. And when he comes home, we’ll be a happy family and I’ll be free of all this. That’s why I’m here… for closure. You understand, right?”

He spins in a circle, tangling the leash around his legs. I lead him toward a tree and tie the leash around it. “I’ll be back.” Then I point at him. “Sit,” I order. He sits. He’s a champ of a dog, well-behaved and completed puppy training first in his class. I told Dylan all this in one of the letters I’d never send him.

I face the cliff again, my heart now beating out of my chest. I shrug out of my shirt and shorts and stand in my one-piece swimsuit, preparing myself for the battle ahead of me. For a second I think about Dylan, think about what he’s doing right now and if he ever feels what I’m feeling. When he’s face to face with danger, weapon drawn… does he ever feel ready?

Probably not.

But he does it anyway.

Because he’s tough and he’s brave and he’s everything he encourages me to be.

With tears welling in my eyes, I take the first step.

Toward the cliff.

Toward my past.

Toward my pain.

My fists ball at my sides, my footsteps heavy as I make my way up the path I’d tried so hard to forget.

I try to ignore the voices in my head. Not mine. Not even Dylan’s. But Jeremy’s.

“
I think I’m afraid of heights.
”

“
This is bad. This is really fucking bad.
”

I wipe the tears released with my sob and put one foot in front of the other, my mind screaming to turn around—my heart doing the opposite—until the tears are endless and the sobs are loud and I’m standing at the top of the cliff, the otherwise perfect sky clouded with memories of Jeremy.

“
I love you.
” I hear it over and over—the last words he ever spoke—words I laughed at and never repeated.

Not to him.

I stand in the middle of the clearing, my eyes drifting shut and my fingers digging into my palms. I feel the heat of the sun warm my skin, feel the wind whirling around me, hear the ebb and flow of the water beneath me. I inhale deeply, hoping it’ll help to calm my nerves and the immense emotions hitting me, drowning me, slowly killing me.

I cover my mouth, muffling my cry and turn swiftly.

Away from the edge.

Away from my past.

Away from my pain.

“I was wondering if you’d ever come up,” a deep male voice says from behind me.

I know the voice.

I’ve heard it so many times since Dylan left.

I close my eyes before slowly turning to him. Behind my lids, the tears are begging, fighting to be released. He adds, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

My eyes snap open to see Jake standing in front of me wearing nothing but board shorts and a sad smile. “What are you doing here?” I squeak.

He shrugs, his hands at his sides.

“But how did you know—”

“Dylan.”

I bow my head, not for a moment of silence, but for a moment of clarity. My knees go weak and I collapse to the dirt, my hands over my eyes as I release every single emotion possible.

Sadness.

Longing.

Heartbreak.

Fear.

Grief.

Then I look up when I hear Jake’s footsteps moving toward me. He sits beside me, his head lowered and his arms resting on his raised knees. His gaze is distant when he says, “Sometimes I have these moments where I look at myself and my life and I realize how good I have it. I’ve never had to experience the kind of loss you have. I’ve never had my heart truly broken, never had my life ripped out of my hands, never had to deal with devastating news that would ultimately change the course of my future. And sometimes I think I don’t belong. Like I’m an imposter in an unforgivable world and I keep waiting for something bad to happen to me directly and nothing does.” He pauses a beat. “Not that I’m not grateful for that,” he adds quickly. “I’m just saying I wish I had something better to say, or a piece of advice that would somehow help you in this situation. But I don’t. The only thing I can say is that while it’s hard to watch the people you love suffer… loving them during those times is easy.” He turns to me. “So that’s why I’m here, Riley. Because you’re one of us. And we love you.”

Another sob.

Another round of tears.

He throws his arm around my shoulders, bringing me to him as he continues to speak. I try to listen; try to pay attention, even though my cries make it almost impossible. “You know the phrase
actions speak louder than words
?”

I wipe my cheeks. “I know it well,” I tell him.
Facta Non Verba
.

“That was my motto when it came to Dylan.”

“Because he was so silent?”

Jake nods. “He never voiced it, but I could tell something was up the few weeks leading up to him enlisting. It was hard to get him to speak when we were with the others and college didn’t give us much free time to catch up on our own. So one day I loosened a spark plug on my truck and called him to have a look at it. I could tell he knew what I’d done as soon as he popped the hood, but he didn’t mention it. He just kept fiddling with the engine because he knew I wanted to talk and I knew he’d let me. I knew if I asked if he were okay he’d nod and move on so I chose my words carefully. I asked him if he was happy.”

I face him. “What did he say?”

He turns to me. “He said he was happy
enough
, but I could tell he wanted more because he stopped his task and just stared at nothing for a long time. Then I finally asked him if
happy enough
was good enough. He shook his head and without another word, he replaced my spark plug and dropped the hood. The next time I saw him was the day before he left for basic. The others don’t know this but he showed up at my house the next morning and asked that I ride with him back home to his dad’s house. He spoke more to me on that two-hour drive than all the years I’d known him. He admitted to hating college, he admitted to falling out of love with Heidi and he admitted that for the first time in a long time, he was actually looking forward to something.”

I sniff once. “So you’re telling me this to remind me that he’s not here for a good reason?”

“No.” Jake smiles—the same sad smile he greeted me with. “I’m telling you this because I was there. I was there when he said goodbye to his friends. I was there when he told his dad he was leaving. I was there when he got on the bus for the first time, waving goodbye to us and to his old life. And I can tell you, for certain, that his actions were louder than his words the day he said goodbye to you. He didn’t find his
more than enough
by enlisting and deploying, Riley. He found it in
you
.”

We stand at
the edge of the cliff, hand in hand, staring at the calm of the horizon. “You ready?” Jake asks.

“I’m ready.”

“You sure?”

I face him, nod, and through the giant lump in my throat, I ask, “You think Dylan would be proud of me?”

Jake smiles. “Riley, Dylan would be proud of you regardless.”

I inhale deeply. Then, “One. Two. Three.”

We jump.

We fall.

There’s no resistance. Just air surrounding me until I’m submerged, the warmth of the water filling my mouth and my ears. I open my eyes, squinting, searching for him. His hand takes mine, his smile wide beneath the blue of the lake as streams of sunlight create a show of lights. His hand stays with mine as we swim up, gasping for air as soon as we’re clear.

Then the water in my ears is replaced with shouts and cheers and my name being called from the embankment. Our friends stand at the edge, their fists raised in triumph. “Yeah, Riley!” Lucy shouts, her hands cupped around her mouth.

I look over at Jake, but he just smiles. “We’re all here for you, Riley.”

“Are you going again?” Logan shouts as we swim to shore. He’s already shrugging out of his clothes. They all are, though Kayla struggles with Bacon in her arms.

I nod. My smile matching Jake’s from just a minute ago. “I think I am.”

We take The
Leap a few more times, each time getting easier. And we spend the afternoon talking, laughing and swimming in the lake with Bacon.

They’ve even brought a portable grill so I think they plan on staying for a while.

When the sun’s at its highest, more people show up at the lake. People I recognize. People from my class. One of Jeremy’s friends—Lucas—approaches, walking right up to Lucy. “What are you doing here?” he asks her.

She stands up from her sun bathing position and hugs him quickly. Cam shakes his hand. They all look over at me. Lucas’s smile falters momentarily, before shoving his hands in his pockets, his gaze lowered as he makes his way over.

I square my shoulders, not knowing what to expect.

“Hey, Riley.” He stops a few feet in front of me, his eyes meeting mine. “It’s been a long time…”

I nod, wiping my sweaty palms on my wet legs. “You know Lucy?”

He laughs once. Not from humor, but probably from the same nerves I’m feeling. “Yeah, she’s my sister.”

“Really? I didn’t know…”

“Yeah. She’s not big on claiming me.” He pauses a beat. “So you and Banks?” He smiles up at me, hoping for a reaction, one I don’t have. When enough time passes and he must realize that, he rubs the back of his head and adds, “I’m a sucky friend.”

My eyes narrow in confusion. “What?”

“I should’ve reached out to you after everything happened. Especially with the crap people were spreading about you. I knew it was bullshit and I should’ve done something to stop it, but I don’t know…” He shrugs. “By the time I got the balls to do it, you’d already left.”

“Left?”

“Yeah. That’s the rumor. That your mom shipped you off somewhere to serve your house arrest…”

I shake my head in disbelief.

“Really?” he asks.

“I’ve been home all this time.”

“But I came by once—”

“You did?”

“—and nobody answered,” he finishes.

“Oh.” I don’t bother telling him that I was probably too drunk to hear it.

“I’m sorry, Riley. You would’ve hurt the most of all of us and we just…”

I shrug and look away. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine. We were all hoping we’d see you here last year but understood why you weren’t.”

My eyes shift back to him, my head tilted. “Last year?”

“We came here last year to pay our respects. And we’ve made a pact to come here every year until we’re old and gray,” he says through a chuckle. Then he points to the rest of Jeremy’s friends standing twenty yards away. They’re all watching us. “They’re probably too afraid to come and talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Because they all feel the same as I do. They feel guilty that we weren’t there for you like we should’ve been… like Jeremy would’ve wanted us to be.”

I feel the tears prick my eyes, the impact from his words, and the acceptance of forgiveness hit me all at once. “We were all grieving,” I tell him.

“I suppose. Coming here, remembering him, it helps.”

I don’t know what to say, so I smile.

Jake’s beside me now—my substitute protector should I need one.

Lucas adds, “So listen. We all chipped in and got a plaque made up. We got permission to put it up on the cliff. It’s a piece of Jeremy for eternity and it’d be an honor if you were the one to put him to rest.”

In loving memory of Jeremy Walters

Your life is your legacy.

We will never forget.

Riley

A
manda scrunches her
nose in disgust as she looks at Mikayla first, then Lucy, then at me. We have Kindles in our hands. They have wine. I have soda. It’s the first time I’ve hosted a book club at my house, which, by the way, is only a book club for the first half hour.

Amanda sighs, throwing her Kindle on the carpet in front of her. “You know… I don’t mind anal play in books, if that’s what you’re into, have at it! But like, fucking wash the thing before you put it in your mouth. The fucking germs.” She sticks out her tongue, gagging at the thought.

“That’s what you got from the entire book?” Lucy asks through a laugh.

“I couldn’t finish it after that. I just kept running to the bathroom to use mouthwash.”

Mikayla laughs, stopping momentarily to look down at her ringing phone. Her smile fades. “It’s Heidi,” she announces. She takes a breath and holds it, eyeing us all as the phone continues to ring.

“Are you going to answer?” Lucy asks.