More Than Him (30 page)

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, staring straight ahead. I vowed to spend the rest of the night telling her, and showing her, how sorry I really was.

She parked next to her car when we got to the apartment's parking garage. I stepped out of my truck, but she didn't. Walking to her side, I opened the door, and held out my hand to help her. She didn't take it, just jumped down on her own. She leaned against the car, rifling through her bag. "I think I'm just going to go home," she said quietly, refusing to look at me.

"What?" My chest ached, not from the thumping of my heart, but from the breaking of it. "Please, don't do this." I was begging. I didn't care. "I mean, I know I fucked up. And I'm sorry. It just seems so insignificant, so petty—" She finally looked up at me with her eyes wide, filled with tears.
Shit.
"That's not—" I sighed, trying to calm myself. "That's not what I meant. I just mean in comparison to everything we've been through—"

"Maybe," she interrupted. "But it doesn't stop it from hurting. Pain is pain regardless. And I need to feel that pain, deal with it, and I can't do that with you around. I just can't."

I sucked in a shaky breath.

She pulled out her keys and unlocked her car. I opened her door and watched as she took a seat and started it. She tried to smile up at me, but she couldn't.

Then she was gone.

I watched her taillights fade away while I hoped, prayed, begged for her to turn around and come back.

But she never did.

My hand shook against my leg. Lifting it, I inspected it closer. And then I snapped. "Fuck you," I growled. I turned around and smashed it against the side of my truck. It made the shaking worse.

***

Jake called an hour later. I was wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I hit answer but didn't speak. He sighed. "Should I come over?"

"No," I answered quickly. I didn't want to see anyone.

Lie.

There was one person, but she didn't want to see me.

"Tonight was messy," he uttered.

"Understatement."

"Is she there?"

"No."

"Shit. Is she pissed?"

"Truthfully, I don't think she's pissed. She's upset. She said she was disappointed, thought that I let Heidi disrespect her."

He laughed. "That's pretty much the exact words Kayla used."

"Yeah?"

"Yup."

"Must be a girl thing."

He laughed again. "No, dude, it's kind of what happened."

"Fuck." I knew he was right, but hearing him confirm it was like a kick in the gut.

"Yeah."

"I just wanted to make sure Heidi was okay, you know?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "I totally get it. But Heidi—she's kind of been a mess since Dylan left. The girls have tried talking to her, but she won't talk to anyone. Honestly, if I had to watch Kayla's ex try to kiss Kayla, I'd more than likely beat the shit out of him. We all saw when Amanda slapped that girl for Lucy. I'm surprised she didn't do the same to Heidi."

"Valid."

He let out another sigh. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

Truth.

***

I know what I didn't do, and that was sleep. Not a wink, the entire night. I lay in bed with the curtains open and watched the darkness turn to dawn. I wanted to call her. I wanted to beg her to come back. But she wanted to get through this, and she wanted to do it alone.

I looked at the time on my phone; it'd been in my hand the entire night, waiting for her to call.

5:15.

"Dammit." I pushed the covers off stood up. At the exact same time, there was a light knocking on the door. I opened my nightstand drawer to retrieve the gun. I stared at it for a second before the knocking sounded again. It was soft, almost as if they knew how I'd react if it were any louder. I left the gun and shrugged on a shirt as I made my way to the door.

I looked through the peephole.

She stood, with her hair a mess piled on top her head, and a nervous look on her face. She appeared as bad as I felt.

Unlocking the four deadbolts seemed to take forever. Maybe it was because I was so anxious to get to her that both my hands were shaking.

When I finally got the door open, her eyes snapped up and roamed my face. Surely she'd be able to see what a mess I was. She didn't speak as she stepped inside and walked into the bedroom. I locked all the locks on the door, checking them over three times before following her in there.

She stood in the middle of the room with her hands at her sides and tears in her eyes. I took the few steps until I was right in front of her. I wanted to speak, but I mentally couldn't. She looked up at me with a pained expression on her face. A tear fell.

I hated myself.

I hated that I was the one to cause her tears. I tried to wipe it away, but my hand shook against her cheek. She held it against her face and inhaled deeply, and then blew out slowly. And then she kissed my palm. Once. Twice. By the third time, it had steadied. Then she dropped it.

Slowly, she slipped out of her dress, and lifted my shirt over my head and onto her. I watched her every move in dead silence, wanting to remember it. Savor it.

She climbed into her side of the bed, but faced the wall. I climbed in, lifted the sheets to our shoulders and snuck in close behind her. I didn't know if she wanted to be touched, or talked to, so I tentatively placed my hand on her waist. She flinched slightly, but didn't remove it. I moved in even closer, my chest plastered to her back. I wrapped my arms around her stomach and brought her in as close as possible.

Then she spoke. "Your heart's going a million miles. Did you take your Xanax?"

I sighed, relieved she was speaking. "I forgot," I told her truthfully.

"You can't do that, Logan. I felt your hand on my leg last night. You can't stop taking it."

I swallowed loudly. This wasn't the conversation I wanted to have. "Will you please turn around? I hate talking to you like this. Please?"

She shifted in the bed until we were face to face. Placing her palm against my chest, she looked up at me. "Did you sleep at all?"

I shook my head. "No. You?"

She leaned closer and placed her lips over my heart. "No."

"Amanda," I choked out. Clearing my throat, I moved her hair away from her eyes and lifted her chin to face me. "I'm so sorry. For all of it. For not thinking about you, and the way you'd react to what happened. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did. The last thing I ever,
ever
want to do is make you feel—"

"Sshh," she cut in. "I'm sorry, too. I think I overreacted—"

"No you didn't. Not at all. You had every right to be upset with me. You were right, and I just didn't think. That's all. I didn't think. I'm stupid—"

"Stop. Don't call yourself that." She paused, waiting for her words to come together. "Maybe it's just another burst in our bubble, you know? Maybe something like this just needed to happen. But I don't like it, Logan. I hate being upset, and I hate that we hurt each other. I don't want us to do that. We can't be destructive, and you're right, after everything we've been through, it is petty. I let it form into something bigger than it should've been—"

"No you didn't. It is a big deal. I should have spoken up
for
you. I won't ever see her again."

"Quit it." She kissed me once, slowly, letting her lips linger on mine. "That's not what I want."

"What do you want then?" I kissed her back, just as softly. I let my tongue slide along her lips, asking for entrance. She opened her mouth slightly, darting her tongue out to brush against mine.

"I just want you."

"You already have me."

"And I want sleep." She struggled to keep her eyes open. "And I want to wake up and be in your arms, and forget this shitty night ever existed."

"That sounds perfect."

33

Logan

"Amanda." I shook her shoulders. "Babe, wake up."

She nudged my hands off of her. "No," she whined.

"You gotta get up."

She slowly turned over, her hair smeared all over the place. I chuckled as I moved it out of her face. She opened one eye slowly. Then a slow smile formed. "How are you this hot in the morning?" She reached up and pulled my head down to her neck, tilting it for better access.

I ran my tongue up her neck to her jaw. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Mm," she moaned. "Morning sexy times." She curled her fingers into my hair and pushed my head down her body, lifting her shirt at the same time.

"Holy shit." I covered her nipple with my mouth, feeling my dick get harder and harder. "Babe, we gotta be quick, and you gotta be quiet."

"I can do that," she said, still half asleep. She pulled on my hair to shift my mouth to her other breast. "I'm already wet."

"Shit." I started kissing her lower, licking down her stomach. She writhed beneath me, spreading her legs wider. I moved her panties to the side so I could feel her. I could already smell how turned on she was before I felt it. I looked up at her, chewing her lip, her eyes still closed. I questioned for a second if she was actually aware of what was happening. "Babe?"

"Shut up, Logan. Just get inside me."

She didn't have to tell me twice.

"Oh my God . . ." She breathed out, her fingernails finally relaxing against my skin. "Why were you covering my mouth telling me to shut up?"

Why did I?

Waiting for the post-come buzz to fade, I kissed along her collarbone while one of her hands combed through my hair. And then it hit me. I pulled back suddenly, startling her. And then I laughed. I couldn't help it. "You gotta clean up and get in the shower. Heidi's here to see you."

Amanda

"Hey," she greeted me. She looked about as good as I had at five this morning, when I'd finally decided my pride didn't matter as much as my relationship with Logan did. Hence why I’d showed up here fifteen minutes later.

"Hi." I raised my hand in a small wave.

"Um. I went to your house, but your brother told me you were here. I was hoping to talk to you, if that's okay with you—and Logan—of course."

He walked out of the bedroom with his hair still wet from the shower and his laptop in his hand. "I'll be up on the rooftop, just call me when you're done." Then he kissed my cheek quickly, over and over again.

"Stop." I giggled out, pushing him away. "Go!"

He laughed. "Lock the door behind me." And then he was gone. I did what he said, then turned to Heidi.

Awkward.

"So." I shifted on my feet. "What's up?"

"Can we sit?"

I led her to the sofa and took a seat.

She smiled, but it was well practiced and clearly fake. Then she sighed, letting her shoulders drop and her features even out. "Obviously I'm here to apologize." She paused, waiting for my reaction. If she expected me to tell her that it was fine, and that she didn't need to, she was wrong. "I was horrible to you—not just last night—but that first night at Lucy's bonfire . . ." She trailed off, away in her own thoughts. "Look, I know that you may not understand—" She cut herself off and blew out a breath. "Can I just be honest with you?"

I nodded.

And waited.

"I'm just bitter. And jealous. And drunk. A lot."

My eyebrows bunched together. "You're jealous? Of me? Why? Because I have Logan?"

"No," she said quickly. "Well, I mean yes, and no. I don't know how to explain it."

"Just try."

"Okay." She nodded once, sucked in a breath, and let her words out all at once. "I was pregnant."

I gasped.

She nodded in confirmation, her eyes instantly welling with tears. "When Dylan told me that he'd enlisted. I was seven weeks pregnant. I didn't know. He came over to the house and I wanted to tell him, but he said he had some news, so I let him go first. He told me he was leaving. He'd enlisted, and he didn't think it was a good idea for us to keep seeing each other. Not when his future was unclear."

"Heidi," I consoled. "Did you tell him?"

She laughed sadly. "What was I supposed to do?" Her voice was strained as she wiped her eyes. "It's not like he was going and wanted us to work out. He told me he wanted to leave me. I mean— yeah—I could've told him. He could've stayed—but it wouldn't have been for me, it would have been for our baby." She cried now, her body folding over itself. "Our baby," she repeated.

I sniffed, trying to hold it together. "So you . . ."

"I had to, Amanda. I had no choice. I couldn't do it alone—and it wouldn't have been fair to ask him to stay."

I rubbed my own eyes. It made sense now—why she was the way she was, and how she chose to cope with it. "I'm so sorry, Heidi. I had no idea."

She shook her head, frantically wiping at her cheeks. "No one knows. You can't tell anyone."

"I won't. Swear it."

She inhaled deeply, and let it out in a whoosh. "I know it doesn't make sense to you, but that's why . . . I just wanted someone to blame. And you—you were there. I mean, he told you when he was thinking about joining . . . he never even mentioned it to me. I get that we had issues, but nothing worth breaking up over. But he told
you.
And I don't know. It just felt like you could've been the one to talk him out of it. I know it's stupid, and there's no way you could have known . . ."