More Than Physical (The Physical Series Book Book 2) (23 page)

He was so beautiful. And she was being such a bitch to him.

“That’s all I wanted to say. I’ll see you up there.”

Jackson motioned toward the front of the church before brushing past her, moving down the hallway housing several doors. The brief touch of his arm against her side had her shuttering with pleasure.

Not realizing she’d literally stopped in the entryway, Beth grabbed her by the arm and yanked her forward. Sasha blinked, confused as to where she was, looking around to gather her bearings. When she turned back to the front entry, Jackson was gone.

And a part of her heart was gone, too.

Jackson had never been a fighting man, nor had he ever seen a need to use any brute force when he could fight his battles with words alone. He was an attorney for a reason.

But watching Sasha dance, laugh and all out cavort with the model looking male she brought with as her date, who currently had his arm wrapped tight around her waist on the dance floor, was enough to send him into all out Hulk-mode.

Tipping back the beer bottle, Jackson took a swig, enjoying the bitter flavor as it slid down his throat. He told himself that as soon as he finished that beer, he’d go talk to Sasha. That was four beers ago. He chuckled inwardly at his own cowardliness. Why the hell was he being such a pussy about talking to her? They needed to clear the air, and she was obviously avoiding the issue just as much as he was.

It was so unlike her, too. Sasha wasn’t one to avoid or shy away from uncomfortable topics. She seemed to bask in the joy of being controversial – making others squirm with her salacious comments. She reveled in pointing out the varying degrees of stupidity that other people seemed to embody. And it was his own stupidity at the moment that was keeping this discussion from happening.

Dammit, he was wasting time. Jackson didn’t want to spend another moment without her and he was done watching her try to make him crazy with jealousy. Based on the way she’d been eye-fucking him across the room all evening, her deep brown eyes searching him out and darting away when he locked gazes with her, he knew she really wanted to be with him. Yet she brought in a decoy and was making Jackson work for this.

If that’s what she wanted, then screw it. He’d man-up and grovel at her feet if that’s what she needed from him. Because at this point, she was all he wanted, and he wasn’t going to let another minute go by without her hearing it from him.

The DJ had been playing a set of up-tempo 80’s songs, the wedding guests bopping and jamming around like Cindi Lauper wannabe’s, when the paced slowed down considerably with the song
Eternal Flame
by The Bangles. Taking the opportunity presented to him, Jackson set down his empty beer bottle and moved toward the dance floor, his eyes never leaving the woman in his sight.

He saw the moment Sasha realized she was caught in his trap, her body stiffening in the arms of her dance partner, a man who probably wasn’t even born yet when the song was a hit. Sasha’s arms had been wrapped around the guy’s neck as they danced, but their bodies weren’t touching. Thank God for that, because Jackson didn’t want to kick the guy’s ass for touching what was his.

Now standing next to them, towering over both, Jackson gave a light tap on the guy’s shoulder. Her date didn’t seem all that surprised to be interrupted. Maybe he realized he was just being used for the purposes of this little cat-and-mouse game she was playing. Whatever the case, Jackson was now relieving the guy of his escort duties for the night. He almost felt compelled to spot the guy a twenty and send him on his way. But he’d let Sasha deal with that.

“May I have this dance with Sasha?”

The guy gave a beseeching look to Sasha, whose eyes narrowed on Jackson, before she shrugged her shoulders in indifference, letting go of the hold she had around her date’s neck. The man stepped away, bowing his acquiesce like a Victorian duke.
Douche
.

Jackson noticed the snarky smile that Sasha was trying to hide as she watched the man walk away toward the bar.

“Were you on babysitting duty tonight?” he asked, grabbing her waist and yanking her toward him so she was flush to his body. He enjoyed the sound of her quick intake of breath, and the noticeable hardening of her nipples under the silk of her dress. He had to bite the inside of his cheek, willing his dick to stand down at the pleasure it caused him.

She giggled, a bloom of color blossoming across her cheeks. “Whatever. He’s not
that
young. Maybe twenty-four. It’s not like I had a great selection on such short notice,” she admitted, looking out to her left to avoid eye contact. “Plus, most guys hate weddings. I think most would rather suffer in a room full of screaming children at Chucky Cheese or have needles placed in their ball sacs over attending a wedding with a date.”

Jackson winced at the comment, his own balls shrinking in self-preservation over the visual. Jackson placed his hand on her chin, tilting it up so she was looking directly at him. Her brown eyes went wide, swimming with what looked like nerves. Or guilt. Or something else altogether.

“I’m not sure why you felt the need to bring a date at all. I thought I was a foregone conclusion.”

He spoke softly, leaving out any trace of bitterness or jealousy. There was no need to bring that into the conversation at this point. Jackson just wanted her honesty so they could move forward.

“
I
…I don’t know. Fuck.”

He wrapped his arms around the small of her back, swaying with her as they moved around the dance floor. He could feel the beats and rhythm of her heart beating fast through the material of their clothing. Quick pulses that sent his own heart rate speeding faster, accelerating at potential. Her face was buried in his chest as she started to speak again.

“We need to end this, Rowdy.”

What the hell
? Did he hear her correctly? The music was loud and the noise in the room was raucous, so it was very possible he misheard her. He must have misunderstood the words that just came out of her mouth.

Jackson’s feet stopped their movement as he pulled back enough so she’d look up at him.

“Excuse me? What did you just say?”

“I said, I need to put an end to what’s going on between us. It’s not good for either of us. And definitely not me.”

Jackson had waited all week to talk about what was going on with Sasha. He’d expected he’d hear something that could possibly be uncomfortable, and maybe slightly difficult. But whatever it was, he was certain they could work through it. Because that’s what you do when you love someone. You deal with the issue, look for ways to resolve, and move forward. But what Jackson wasn’t prepared for was to be dumped.

“
Why
? Tell me why you think what we have isn’t good for you, Sasha. I thought it was abso-fucking-lutely perfect. So tell me, what the fuck brought this on?”

Sasha’s lips pursed together in a tight grimace, her eyes glistening with defiance, and she looked like she was about to let him have it. But then her shoulders shrugged, as if to say “
have it your way
.”

They stood in a face-off in the middle of the dance floor, couples and groups circling and moving around them as if they were a boulder in a flowing river – simply ignoring their immovable bodies, and going around them.

Sasha planted her hands on her hips, looking off into the distance, perhaps sorting out her little speech before giving him the final blow. Finally after a few moments, she turned back to him, her eyes filled with defeat, sorrow and vulnerability.

“Jackson…I never wanted anything more than what we had. You know me…I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t want a relationship. And there was a good reason for that. You said you
loved
me,” she said, a sound of abhorrence in her tone. And then oh-so-softly, in barely a whisper, she said, “And I can’t be loved.”

It was like a knock-out punch. One that Jackson hadn’t been expecting. At. All. Sasha’s brown eyes gazed at him, looking for some reassurance that Jackson wasn’t sure he could give.

He’d fallen in love with this beautiful woman, and yet she decided he couldn’t love her. That she couldn’t be loved. It made no sense to him. Sure things between them started off as a no-strings affair. But after the time they’d spent together, Jackson thought he’d made it past her resistance. He thought he was now part of her inner circle, so close to finally knowing all of her.

Yet, apparently she thought she wasn’t loveable? The woman was perfect for him. He loved everything about her, and wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happy. Yet for some reason, she didn’t think she deserved that.

“That’s bullshit,” he huffed, his voice shaking with indignation, frustration and a little bit of fear. “Because I
do
love you. Why would you think otherwise?”

Sasha grabbed his hand, yanking them off the dance floor, moving out of the fray and back to a table in the corner of the room. It was late in the evening and most of the tables were now void of guests, empty except for used wine glasses and tableware that littered the tabletops. Jackson pulled out a chair as Sasha sat down with a flourish. He did the same, leaning in to reach for her hand as waited for her to continue.

“You don’t know me, Jackson. You don’t know about my past and why I can’t be with you.”

The pain that flickered in her eyes and across her beautiful face tore him apart. He wanted to wipe it away. Take away the pain. Protect her from whatever harsh realities she faced. But he needed to know what caused it first.

“No, I don’t. So please tell me. Let me in.”

Sasha’s eyes darted around, uncertainty and fear deepening the color of her brown eyes. She glanced down at their hands, as Jackson stroked his thumb across her knuckles.

“Do you know anything about neurochemistry?”

The absurdity of the question had him jerking his head back, his forehead scrunching in confusion.

He shook his head. “Um, no. Can’t say that I do.”

A small, harsh laugh came from her chest, her own head nodding in understanding.

“Either did I before…you see, all human brains function off of neurochemicals. They influence the function of neurons and how they transmit into our brains. They neurotransmit chemicals and stress hormones like dopamine and serotonin into our bodies. Anyhow, when those transmitters go haywire, some people suffer from addictions…or things like manic episodes.” The last few words were said in a quick rush of air. So faint he barely heard it.

She paused, taking a breath, her hands clasping and unclasping in her lap. Jackson waited for her to continue, but placed his hands over hers again, squeezing gently.

“I kind of went crazy a few years back. I had one of these manic episodes after a sudden and unexpected break-up with a man I was in love with. It literally sent me into a psychotic breakdown. I was hospitalized because my brain couldn’t function. I was devastated. So depressed that I almost took my own life.”

For a moment, he was frozen in time. Couldn’t move. Didn’t breathe. All he could do was stare at Sasha in disbelief.

“Oh my God, Sash,” he commented, bringing her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “I’m so sorry. So sorry you went through that. But you’re obviously better. You’re well. It didn’t break you.”

She grunted out a very unfeminine noise.

“Yes, dumbass, it
did
break me. I landed in fucking quackville. Thankfully, though, I was able to pick-up the pieces with the help of my parents, anti-depressants, and years of psychiatrist visits. The point is…I don’t
ever
want a do-over. Sure, I was young and insecure then and didn’t know how to cope. I’d put everything I was into loving him. I
begged
for him not to leave me – to love me in return – but he left me anyway.”

A sob broke free from her chest, tears began to stream down her beautifully haunted face. Jackson hated seeing a woman cry. It tore at his heart and made him feel like an inadequate asshole.

Seeing his strong, beautiful Sasha tormented by her past and the pain it was causing her, ripped him to shreds. He leaned over, swiping away the streaks from her face as best he could. She seemed surprised that she was even crying.

Through sobs and hiccups, she continued. “I promised myself that I would never beg anyone to love me ever again. And when I heard you talking to Mitch the other day, it was like hearing Andrew say the same things all over again…and, it hurt me deeply. And just reminded me why I didn’t want to fall in love with you, Jax.”

He jerked back as if he’d been stabbed.

“Wait. What did you hear me say? When did you hear me talking to Mitch?”

Sasha sat up straighter, crossing her legs, looking prim and proper, yet absolutely sexier-than-sin at the same time. She yanked her hands away from him, placing them demurely on her lap.

She let out a sigh. “When I stopped by your office the other day. I heard you tell Mitch that I was a nut-job who needed constant attention and that you were worn out trying to give it to me.”

Reaching behind her head, he gripped her neck and pulled her toward him, placing a soft kiss on the tip of her nose.

“Oh, baby. If I said something like that, it’s not what I meant. I was trying to explain to Mitch just exactly how deep I am over you. Perhaps I didn’t spell it out clearly enough, but I told him I’d do
anything
for you. Because I will. If you’ll let me.”

“Hmmph,” she responded, pushing away from his chest. “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m not him, Sasha,” Jackson stated, whispering it against her cheek. “And you’re not the same woman you once were. You’ve changed. You’ve grown into a smart, capable and self-reliant woman. You are not only a damn great doctor, but an astute business-owner. You have friends and family who love and support you. And I hope that once you decide you’re ready to love and trust again, I’ll be the man you turn to. Because I am so goddamn in love with you that it hurts.”