More than Survival: A Post-apocalyptic Love Story (6 page)

The fact that he found me so desirable caused my chest to constrict and my throat to tighten uncomfortably. “I’m eighteen. Not a child anymore.”

“But I’m so much older than you, Lucy. I was your age when all this started. Plus, I know what it feels like to see someone taken advantage of. I don’t want to do that to you.”

He answered every question I’d had about him in that one statement, and instantly, I knew I could trust him.

Before I could say a word his hands fell away from my hips and he stood. He swiped his fingers through his wet hair and a drop fell onto his chest, running down over his muscles. I followed its progress with my eyes, all the way to the tuft of hair peeking out of his pants.

Sawyer stepped back and cleared his throat, startling me. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to use the facilities. It’s been a while since I had the luxury of going inside.”

He smiled and shrugged, and even though his grin looked adorable, the spell between us was broken.

I nodded and stepped further away from him before I did something I would regret. “Why don’t I get you some real clothes to wear since yours are wet? Seamus wouldn’t mind at all, and it could be a couple hours before yours are dry.”

Sawyer nodded, then turned and walked into the other room.

My heart was pounding so hard it took me a few seconds of breathing slowly to calm it. I’d been ready to kiss Sawyer. To take my clothes off again and let him touch me for real, but now I realized how foolish that would have been. He was right. I was just a child when it came to these things, and I had no idea what my body was doing or what it wanted from me. Or from Sawyer.

I went into my uncle’s room, still thinking about the beautiful man who had stumbled upon me in the woods, saving my life. It felt more like a story out of one of my romance novels than something that would happen for real. Especially something that would happen to me.

I opened the bottom drawer in Seamus’s dresser and rooted around. Not too long ago he’d come home with a pair of pants that had been too snug on him, and I remembered him joking that he’d keep them in case he lost a few pounds. He’d probably shoved them in the back of his dresser, and I was sure if I dug deep enough I’d find them.

An unfamiliar fabric caught my eye, and I pulled it out, knowing these had to be the pants I was looking for. When I did, a magazine dropped to the floor in front of me, spilling open to reveal pictures that made my whole body burn with shame. My heart skidded to a stop, and the urge to shove the magazine back in the drawer and slam it shut was so strong I almost gave in. But I was curious too…

I set the pants down and picked the magazine up.

My hands shook as I studied the picture in front of me. It was a man and woman, both nude. The woman’s legs were spread and the man stood between them, his hand wrapped around a stiff member that jutted from his body. It was long and so swollen it had turned an angry red color, with thick veins visible through the skin. The end of it was smooth and rounded like the top of a mushroom. Of course, I’d always known men had different parts than women—a penis it was call—but I’d never seen one before. How did they hide something so big?

My mind wandered to Sawyer’s low pants and the tuft of hair. Did he have this monstrous thing lurking in there as well? I didn’t see how. Surely I would have noticed it. Wouldn’t I?

I was studying the picture when footsteps pounded against the floor in the other room, possibly heading my way. I let out a little yelp, then quickly slammed the magazine shut and shoved it back into the drawer. My hands were shaking and my whole body was flushed with embarrassment at almost being caught looking at such a disgusting picture. What would Sawyer have thought of me? What would my uncle think of me?

I shuddered at the thought.

I scooped the pants off the floor, then yanked a shirt from another drawer before hurrying into the other room. Desperate to get away from the magazine. Horrified that it existed at all, but especially in my uncle’s dresser.

Sawyer stood in the living room, still wearing nothing but those too-big pants, and he smiled when he saw me. “Thanks.”

I nodded, unable to meet his gaze, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t take my eyes off the crotch of his pants. They were thin, too thin to hide what I’d seen in that magazine. He couldn’t possibly have something so big under there. Right?

“Lucy? Are you okay?”

My head jerked up and I had no doubt that my face was bright red. I thrust the clothes toward him, but they dropped to the floor. The second Sawyer bent down to pick them up, I hurried into the kitchen.

“Just going to run out and take care of the animals! I’m behind on my chores,” I called over my shoulder, my entire body still burning with the shame of my curiosity.

“Wait! I’ll come with you.”

I didn’t give him time to catch up to me, though. I shoved my feet into my boots and pulled on my oversized coat, then hurried out into the cold.

The icy air felt good on my hot face, and I hardly noticed the howling wind as I trudged through the snow. My mind was swimming, and all I could think about was that woman with her legs spread and the man who stood between them, all ready to…have
sex
. That I knew, but the details were confusing. I had a vague idea. A couple books my uncle had brought home had parts about sex in them, but they’d never been graphic, so my understanding of it all was minimal.

I was busy cleaning out Nelly’s pen when Sawyer came into the shed behind me. A constant throb had begun in my shoulder, but I focused on my work so I didn’t have to look his way. The sound of his voice as he whispered to the rabbits made my back stiffen. When Sawyer headed toward me, my legs began to shake.

“I could have done this,” he said when he stopped behind me.

“It’s fine. I’m used to the work.”

It was a lie. Until the last few weeks, this had been my uncle’s job. But now, all the chores belonged to me. Earlier I’d thought that maybe things would be better if Sawyer stuck around, but the fear inside me after seeing that picture told a different story. Maybe being alone was better.

Sawyer moved into the pen, and I froze. His hand wrapped around mine, which was gripping the shovel, and he pried it out of my grasp.

“You shouldn’t be doing this. You’re hurt.” His voice was so soft and gentle that it should have calmed my nerves. Only it didn’t. For some reason, it made my heart pound harder.

My shoulder was on fire, so I didn’t argue. I stepped back and leaned against the wall while Sawyer got to work shoveling out the pen. My legs were shaking too hard to leave, plus he was blocking my way out. I felt trapped, cornered, and it scared me so much that tears sprang to my eyes.

Sawyer looked my way and frowned, but never paused in his work. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked around in front of you half-naked. I knew you were uneasy with me, and I should have known something like that would scare you. It was stupid of me.”

I didn’t move and I couldn’t talk. The fact that he was saying this was sweet and showed what a considerate man he really was, but I was still trembling with fear thanks to that damn magazine. But there was something else there too. The pictures. Thinking of Sawyer half naked. Remembering the brush of his hands against my skin. Knowing that people took pleasure in sex. It was all so damn confusing!

Sawyer dumped one final shovelful of horse crap into the wheelbarrow, then turned to face me completely. “You can trust me.”

For some insane reason I blurted out, “My uncle disappeared weeks ago. I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

His eyes got huge and the shovel fell from his hands. He took a step toward me, but stopped when I pressed my body closer to the wall.

Instead of reaching for me again, he simply held his hand out. “Let’s go inside so we can talk.”

I was trembling and terrified and torn about the feelings swirling around inside me, but I reached for him anyway. When I took his hand, my heart pounded harder than Nelly’s hooves when we were out for a summer ride. I wanted so badly to trust Sawyer, but the emotions inside me were so mixed-up that I was afraid to. But, I was even more afraid of a future alone.

ack inside, Sawyer helped me take my boots, coat and gloves off, then led me to the couch. He still held my hand, and even though I was shaking I loved the warmth of his skin against mine. The more he looked at me, the more I wanted him near me. The more I forgot how horribly awkward I’d felt looking at those pictures, and the more I began to wonder what all the tingling in my stomach—and lower—meant.

Once we were seated, Sawyer cleared his throat. His thumb rubbed small circles over the top of my hand, sending goose bumps up my arm. “Are you scared of me?”

I shook my head, then nodded.

He swallowed, and I was mesmerized by the way his Adam’s apple bobbed on his long neck. “Let’s make a deal, okay? I’m stuck here as long as this snow is coming down, and you’re alone anyway, so we’ll just agree to live side by side. Okay? I won’t touch you,” he took his hand out of mine and my body grew cold, “and I won’t walk around half-naked. How’s that sound?”

It sounded good, yet bad at the same time, but I didn’t know why and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. So I just nodded.

“Good. I want you to trust me, Lucy, but I don’t know what to do about it other than to just give it some time. We can get to know each other. Okay?”

I swallowed and nodded, and finally was able to relax. But I still couldn’t speak. There was something about the way this conversation was going that was so unsatisfying. I liked seeing Sawyer undressed. I liked it when he held my hand. My body had loved it when his knuckles had accidently brushed against my nipple. There had to be a reason for it all, and Sawyer agreeing to
not
touch me wouldn’t help me figure it out.

Sawyer let out a deep breath and sank back into the couch. He acted like he wasn’t sure he wanted things to go this way, either. “Now, why don’t you tell me what happened to your uncle.”

“I don’t know exactly,” I said in a shaky voice. “Just like I told you, he went to town to do some trading and never came back. He goes every month, but he’s never been gone for a whole day before. At first, I thought he just got caught in the weather and he’d show up the next day, but that was four weeks ago now. I’m starting to think I’ll never see him again.” My throat tightened as tears worked their way through my body. When they reached my eyes, I looked away. I didn’t know why, but I knew allowing Sawyer to see my tears would make me feel weak. I already felt like a child thanks to all these emotions and unknown inside me.

“Lucy.” Sawyer’s hand brushed against mine, a touch so light it felt like a butterfly’s wings. It sent a shiver of pleasure through my body, but less than a second later he pulled away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up to tell him it was okay, but when my gaze met his the words stuck in my throat. He looked amazing in the faint light of the fire. His blue eyes soft with caring, the stubble on his face making him appear strong. Strong enough to take me in his arms and make me forget all the hurt inside. To take care of me and give me a future I had never even known I could have.

His eyes swept over me, stopping on my lips, and everything inside me clenched. I remembered the sizzle that had been in the air earlier when I washed his hair. How it had felt like a bolt of lightning shooting through me when our eyes met. How good his hands had felt on my hips.

In that moment, the loneliness over losing Seamus felt so overwhelming that I was sure it would crush me. And there was Sawyer, so close. So warm. So inviting. He wanted me, I could see it in his expression. The urgent desire to grab me and pull me against him. I wasn’t sure what all the feelings inside me meant, but I knew with certainty I wanted him too.

I scooted closer and his body stiffened, but he didn’t move away. My hand trembled when I put it on his leg, but I moved it up. Over his strong thigh to his stomach, to his chest, then around to the back of his neck. When I scooted closer, he sucked in a deep breath and the desire in his eyes was too blatant to ignore. We were inches apart. The air around us scorching. His expression hotter than the flames of the fire at my back.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward. I’d never kissed a man, but the second my lips touched his, I never wanted to stop. He wrapped his arms around me and moved his hands up my back, pulling me closer. Pressing my chest against his as his stubble scratched at my face and his lips moved against mine. The heat from his body warmed me, starting in my chest and moving out, collecting in a pool of fire between my legs. When he ran his tongue over my lips, I opened my mouth to him without thinking, gasping as he plunged into my mouth. I responded by doing the same, mimicking his movements as his lips danced over mine.

Without warning, Sawyer pulled back and scooted away. His cheeks were flushed, and the conflict in his eyes was obvious. He looked like it hurt him to stop. Like he wanted to rip my clothes off and run away at the same time.

“No. I won’t take your,” he swallowed, “virtue. I won’t be
that
person.”

My heart pounded harder as disappointment swirled through me. I could feel him pulling away. I didn’t want that. I wanted him with me. I wanted him to make me a woman for real and teach me how the world worked. To be here with me so I wouldn’t be alone, so I could have a real life for a change. This was what I had been wanting for years, only I’d been too ignorant to know it.

“I’m giving myself to you,” I whispered, scooting closer. Reaching for him. “You don’t have to feel bad.”

He shook his head, but when his eyes moved to my lips, there was hesitation there. He wanted me and he couldn’t hide it. “You don’t even know what you’re doing,” he said, trying to talk us both out of this.

It wouldn’t work with me.

I pulled my shirt over my head so fast it made my shoulder throb, but I didn’t care. I scooted closer until my leg was right up against his. The heat of his body against mine gave me courage. “I know what my body wants. You.”

My hands moved over my breasts almost on their own, brushing my hard nipples. The throbbing between my legs grew with each touch. I’d never felt anything like it. Sawyer’s eyes got bigger, but he didn’t tell me to stop. So I grew bolder, unbuttoning my pants as I stood, trying to pull them down.

Sawyer jumped to his feet and grabbed my wrist. “Lucy, stop this,” he said, begging me.

“No,” I said firmly.

I tried to move my hands so I could take my pants off, but he grabbed them by the waistband. Holding my pants so it was impossible to remove them. But the throbbing inside me hadn’t stopped and I refused to be denied, so I slid one hand inside. Down through the soft tuft of hair, then lower. To the private area I had guarded for so long. The one I’d seen the woman in that magazine displaying so brazenly. When my fingertip brushed moisture, I let out a gasp of surprise. I wasn’t sure how it normally felt down there, but I had a strong suspicion the wetness had to do with the ache inside me. And with Sawyer.

“I’m so wet,” I whispered without thinking.

The heat of shame rose to my cheeks. Then Sawyer’s breath caught in his throat and his eyes filled with lust, and in a flash the embarrassment was gone. Replaced by desire. Anything that would cause this man look at me like that wasn’t something to be embarrassed about.

I moved my hand lower, sliding my fingers over the wetness of my most private area. The pleasure that shot through my body caused a deep moan to work its way out of me. I’d had no idea it would feel so good to be touched, and I could only imagine what it would feel like to have Sawyer’s experienced hands on me. To have him strip me down and made me his. To teach me what to do.

“Lucy,” Sawyer said, pleading with me now. Sounding like he was on the brink of losing control. “Please. God, if you don’t stop I’m going to rip your clothes off. Is that what you want?”

“Yes,” I said, moving my fingers faster through the moisture.

My fingers rubbed against a little nub I hadn’t noticed at first, and a pleasurable tremor moved through my body. I moaned, but before I could do anything else Sawyer was on me. He pushed me onto the couch, yanking my pants off in one swift move. It happened so fast I barely had time to register what he was doing. He pulled his own shirt off and tossed it aside, then lowered himself next to me. His lips covered my nipple, flicking it with his tongue, and my back arched off the couch as a wail of desire left my lips.

My hand was still between my legs, but Sawyer pulled it away. He took over, sliding his fingers through my moisture. Expertly moving them up and down, rubbing me until I writhed under him and the heat inside me collected in what felt like a giant ball of fire. His tongue flicked over my nipple, then he rolled it between his teeth. I gasped and cried out, and when he pushed a finger inside me I almost lost the ability to form coherent words.

“God, you’re so tight,” he said against my breast. The words little more than a growl of desire. “Do you know how long it’s been for me, Lucy? How long I’ve been alone. How long I’ve wanted a woman under me just like this. Her body mine to please. I want to make you moan and beg. I want to make you feel better than you ever have before.”

He pumped his finger in and out, moving faster and faster until I felt dizzy. The ball of fire in me grew stronger, hotter, and even though it felt so unbelievably good, I wanted more. I needed more. I just didn’t know what.

“Sawyer!”

His name was a cry on my lips, me begging him, and even though I hadn’t said the words, he seemed to understand. He continued to pump his finger into me, but at the same time he worked his thumb against the small numb I’d felt earlier. The two sensations together seemed to do the trick, and within seconds the firestorm I’d felt building inside me burned stronger until I was sure I was going to explode. And then I did.

I screamed and my back arched as my body shuddered and shook on the inside, flexing around his finger like an earthquake. Pleasure shot through me, tingling down my legs to the tips of my toes, but still Sawyer didn’t stop what he was doing. I gasped and shook, and tears spilled from my eyes as my whole body jerked over and over again.

Finally, his fingers stopped their delicious torture, allowing me to come down from the high. As the tremors inside me subsided, Sawyer pulled me up until my cheek rested on his chest. He kissed my head and wrapped his arms around me, tucking me against him like his only purpose in life was to keep me safe. I felt spent. Exhausted. So worn out I could have curled into a ball and slept all day. But it was the most magical feeling I’d ever experience, and all I could do was lay there and thank God Sawyer had found me.

Sawyer’s skin was moist against mine, but not in a bad way. In fact, it was actually quite nice. I’d missed being held. Uncle Seamus loved me and had taken care of me, but he wasn’t an affectionate man. Having someone to hold me was a new sensation, and having someone as gorgeous and generous as Sawyer made it even better.

I turned to face him, propping my chin up on his chest so I could look him in the eye. He smiled, and the beauty of it sent ribbons of warmth shooting through me. But I wasn’t totally sure what he was thinking. He’d been so hesitant, and I felt a little bad. Like maybe I’d forced him to do something he didn’t want to do. Which was an odd feeling considering all the time I’d spent being terrified that he would take advantage of me.

Before any of the thoughts swirling around in my head could make their way to my mouth Sawyer said, “Tell me what you miss. About the past, I mean.”

My eyebrows furrowed as I fought to come up with memories about the old world. As usual, there wasn’t much. “I miss my mom and dad, I know that.”