More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (40 page)

When renegotiating an agreement:

• Are the needs now the same as the needs when we agreed to this?
  
• Has this agreement been successful in meeting the needs it was intended to meet?
  
• Has anyone been harmed by this agreement?
  
• Is this agreement serving the people involved, or are the people serving it?
  

PART 4

THE POLY REALITY

15

HOW POLY RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFERENT

It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. It will not be anything like what you think it will be like,

but surprises are good for you.

NORA
EPHRON

Despite what you may think after the past 256 pages, most of the time poly relationships are pretty much like monogamous relationships. There's coffee and movies and cuddling and sex and talking, meals and arguments and chores and balancing the house accounts. (Okay, maybe there's more talking.) Plenty of situations are unique to poly, though, and many things that crop up in monogamous relationships involve special considerations when more than two people are involved. And there are a few poly bogeys—scary situations and problems with no easy solutions, which no one really likes to talk about but which exist all the same.

In Part 4 we go deep into the nuts and bolts of poly relationships: things like time management, sex and, yes, those scary, no-easy-solution problems. We've already talked about the idea of the "relationship escalator": the script deeply ingrained in monogamous culture that defines the default path for "successful" relationships, from dating to sex to living together to marriage and kids. You may jump off the escalator and start again from the bottom with someone else, but the assumed goal is to find the right one for the trip all the way to the top, at which point you're done. As we've said, polyamory can free you from the relationship escalator, allowing you to grow relationships that nourish everyone in the ways they most need.

The variety of poly relationships is, as we've mentioned, huge. We can't make assumptions about the shape or path of your relationships. However, most poly relationships do pass through certain stages: things like new relationship energy, and the start of a new relationship while in an established one. These stages present uniquely poly challenges. Here are some places where poly relationships diverge from monogamous relationships and the old templates no longer apply.

THE TIMING OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS

There's no perfect time for a new relationship to start, nor a set schedule for how quickly or slowly it should develop. Sometimes opportunity knocks at the most inopportune times. New relationships are wonderful, joyous and stressful. Attempting to script how and when they develop amid your existing ones is like trying to corral elephants; these things have a certain inertia of their own, and sometimes all you can do is learn to be nimble on your feet.

Some people prefer to start new relationships infrequently, and to impose a moratorium after a new one begins to allow it to grow roots. Others choose not to start a new relationship if there are problems in any existing relationship, or during times of turbulence or stress. Still others prefer to remain open to new relationships whenever connections might occur. None of these strategies is always effective. Allowing relationships time to solidify before taking on new partners is not a guarantee that new partners won't be disruptive, and being open to new relationships all the time doesn't necessarily mean a lot of romantic churn.

To some extent, the approach you'll take depends on your personal poly styles. People who favor a closely connected network of intimate relationships tend to decline opportunities for new relationships shortly after taking a new partner, whereas people with a more solo or independent poly style are more likely to be open to relationships whenever and however they form. New partnerings can often feel threatening or, at the very least, destabilizing. This is where many people adopt another strategy: moving at the pace of the slowest person. "Move at the speed of the slowest person" is such common advice in poly discussion groups that it's become a trope.

Making sure everyone has time to process changes in a relationship, especially big changes, certainly has its advantages. The gotcha is that "Move at the pace of the slowest person" can turn into a pocket veto. "Not now, not yet" can, if unchecked, quietly become "Not ever." If one person is urging others to slow down, there must be a recognition that she needs to show she is making some progress toward being comfortable with things. Otherwise, "Move at the speed of the slowest person" turns into "Don't move at all." If "no movement" is a person's intent, they should say so up front.

Rushing into a new relationship can lead to instability. But moving more slowly than what's natural for the relationship can also damage it. Relationships, like living things, have a natural pacing and rhythm. Artificially limiting a relationship's growth can leave people feeling hurt and frustrated. Counterintuitively, it can cause the relationship to be
more
disruptive. Imagine how much more desperate Romeo and Juliet felt because their parents tried to keep them apart, and how much less turbulent the story would have been if their parents had said, "Eh, you two work it out."

In any relationship, it pays to check in often with yourself and your partner about the state of the union. Is it growing in ways that serve your needs? Is the pace of the relationship appropriate for your mutual desires? Does it cause unnecessary difficulties for your other partners?

NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY

Few things raise trepidation in the hearts of poly people faster than new relationship energy. NRE, as it's (un)affectionately known, is that crazy, giddy, I-can't-stop-thinking-of-you, everything-about-you-is-marvelous feeling you get at the start of a new relationship.

The biochemistry of NRE is becoming fairly well understood. During the early stages of a romantic relationship, our brains go a little haywire. Several neurotransmitters, most notably dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine,
^*
are produced in greater quantities, generally producing emotional effects that are part attraction and devotion, part obsessive-compulsive disorder, part mystical experience and part physical lust. We become infatuated and twitterpated whenever the person is near. In this state, we're biochemically predisposed to overlook their flaws and faults, see the best in everything they do, convince ourselves that we are meant to be with them, and crave their attention. When people make distinctions between "love" and "being in love," what they describe as "being in love" is generally something like new relationship energy.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term
limerence
in 1979 to describe a state of romantic attraction characterized by intrusive thoughts of a person, overwhelming fear of rejection by that person, and powerful, obsessive need for reciprocation. Limerence, in other words, is what we feel when we fall in love with someone regardless of whether they like us in return; new relationship energy is limerence in an actual new relationship.

For the partner of a person starting a new relationship, NRE is scary stuff. The overwhelming feelings can make existing relationships feel drab by comparison. Worse, the tendency to idolize new partners can easily trick us into making too many commitments too quickly, which can create chaos in the existing relationships.

We're not saying NRE is a bad thing. On the contrary, it's transcendent. NRE lets us start a relationship bathed in delight. There's a reason this biochemical response exists: the excitement and giddiness can help lay the emotional foundation for a rewarding, loving partnership. But to make it through NRE while preserving our other relationships, we need to recognize it for what it is, nurture our other partners when we feel it, and not mistake it for love.

We've seen a lot of policies in poly relationships designed to mitigate the effects of new relationship energy, but none that seem terribly successful. When it comes to people's brain chemistry, rules and agreements have a way of falling by the wayside.

A more effective way to deal with with a partner's NRE involves both communication and patience. The good news is that this biochemical madness doesn't last forever; the bad news is that it can last as long as two or three years. Patience is important, because a person experiencing NRE literally isn't quite in their right mind. Communication is important too; when you observe your partner behaving in ways that make you feel insecure, neglected, threatened or taken for granted, you need to say so. Patience
in
communication is also key, because a partner in the throes of NRE may not hear you the first time.

When you're the one experiencing NRE, mindfulness is the only consistently successful strategy we've seen. Be aware that you're not in your right mind, that your perceptions are distorted, and that your judgment is impaired. Don't make life-altering decisions while intoxicated. Don't pledge your life to this marvelous person you met last week. Be aware that you will be predisposed to neglect your existing relationships, and try not to do that. Be willing to do a reality check.

A particularly insidious pattern can set in when the hormonal cocktail begins to wear off. A person who doesn't understand what's happening may become convinced that the relationship is no longer interesting and was probably a mistake from the start, and she starts casting around for a new relationship, which she pursues with zeal until that NRE too wears off. In monogamous culture this takes the form of short-term serial relationships. In polyamory, this pattern can present as a series of ongoing relationships that begin explosively and then wither from neglect. In either case, the chemical high of NRE is mistaken for love, and the sufferer seeks the next new hit like an addict.

* Some people also implicate another neurotransmitter,
phenylethylamine
(PEA), in attraction and pair-bonding, though this assertion is still controversial. Some studies have suggested it plays a role, but other studies have not supported this conclusion.

LIVING TOGETHER

Being involved with multiple partners complicates the logistics of cohabitation. When many people first hear about polyamory, they envision a bunch of people living together in a commune. While that does sometimes happen, it's really not that common. More often, we see households of two or three people, some or all of whom may have non-live-in relationships with other people. Some of those other people might have live-in relationships with their other partners.

As we've said, there's no standard model. Whether the people in a poly relationship live together depends only on their own needs and choices. After all, just because you love Eunice and you love Taj, and you can see yourself living with either or both of them, that doesn't necessarily mean Eunice and Taj can live with each other! Not everyone wants to live with even one lover. Some folks prefer having their own space. In fact, for people who practice a solo model of poly relationships, living alone may be vastly preferable to sharing a home, regardless of how committed the relationship is or how long it continues.

An entire class of problems can appear when we do live with multiple partners. Living with anyone in itself can be a source of stress and discomfort. A friend of ours likes to say these stresses aren't poly problems; they're roommate problems. We don't tend to consider live-in romantic partners the same way we think about roommates, but a lot of unnecessary suffering can be avoided when we employ the same strategies as for non-romantic roommates—strategies like negotiation and clear expectations around dishes in the sink, household chores, basic courtesy, respect for other people's sleeping schedules, and willingness to clean up after ourselves.

Take laundry, for instance. Who does the laundry in polyamorous relationships? In the monogamous world, that job tends to get assigned by default, more often than not along gender lines. In poly relationships we negotiate everything, including the division of domestic labor. Talk about who does the laundry. (In Eve's household, as in many poly households, there's an agreement that whoever has a lover over to the house changes and washes the sheets afterward.)

COMMITMENTS IN POLY RELATIONSHIPS

The huge variation in poly relationships means there won't be a clear road map for what commitment looks like. Some folks argue this means polyamorous relationships can't be committed. Naturally we disagree, though we will say commitment in poly relationships is often quite different from the monogamous template. In monogamous culture, many commitments look like the relationship escalator. People who start dating each other and continue a while often expect a commitment to stop dating other people. Most monogamous dating couples who don't break up will eventually live together. Most people living together who don't break up will eventually feel they need to commit to getting married, owning property and maybe having kids together.

There are less tangible commitments as well. Most monogamous couples would probably agree that they have a commitment to seeing the relationship continue as long as it can. Most monogamous couples have a commitment to one another's well-being, which might mean anything from bringing chicken soup to a partner who's sick to driving a partner to work if her car breaks down.

Part of the beauty of poly relationships is they can look like almost anything the people involved want them to. But that means poly people are responsible for consciously designing our relationships. It's essential to be crystal clear when making commitments, and to
never
assume a commitment unless it's been explicitly stated. Simply being in a relationship with someone is not a commitment to the traditional relationship escalator. A pattern is not a commitment—and an assumption that it is can lead to a feeling of entitlement on one side and confusion on the other. Polyamory means creating relationships deliberately, not making assumptions about what they "should" look like. If you want your partner to make a certain commitment to you,
don't assume
…ask. If you are uncertain what commitments your partner thinks he or she has made, ask.