More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (2 page)

CUSTOMER
(picking up a copy of
Little Women
)
: Is this a book about really short people?

CUSTOMER
(pondering)
: How much would a signed copy of the Bible be worth?

BOOKSELLER:
Signed by whom?

CUSTOMER:
Well ... I don’t know. Not God, obviously.
(Nervous laugh.)
That would be silly ... wouldn’t it?

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to return this
Where’s Wally?
book, please.

BOOKSELLER:
Why?

CUSTOMER:
Because I’ve found him.

CUSTOMER:
Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER:
Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.

CUSTOMER:
Do you make wanted posters for books?

BOOKSELLER:
... How do you mean?

CUSTOMER:
I mean, can I bring you a list of books that I’m looking for, and then you could make them into wanted posters and put them up around the bookshop, in case other customers know where I could find them?

BOOKSELLER:
Erm, I have a ‘Wants’ book that I can put your list of books in, and then I can let you know if we get those books in stock? Or I can try and track the books down for you myself, by calling other antiquarian booksellers?

CUSTOMER:
No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.

BOOKSELLER:
... OK.

(Customer tries to walk out of the bookshop with a book that he hasn’t paid for)

BOOKSELLER:
Excuse me, you haven’t paid for that book.

CUSTOMER:
Yeah, I know. Don’t worry; I’ll bring it back tomorrow!

CUSTOMER
(buying
Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body
, whispers seriously)
: There are actually fourteen, you know.

CUSTOMER:
You’ve got a lot of books in here.

BOOKSELLER:
Yep.

CUSTOMER:
Do you ever just, like, sit here and count them?

BOOKSELLER:
No, not really.

CUSTOMER:
How long do you think it would take to count them all?

BOOKSELLER:
A long time; we’ve got thousands and thousands of books.

CUSTOMER:
How many exactly?

BOOKSELLER:
... I don’t know. I haven’t counted.

CUSTOMER:
The Very Hungry Caterpillar was bulimic, right?

LITTLE GIRL
(pointing at
Dr. Seuss
books)
: I made a hat for my cat, but he won’t wear it. That book is full of lies.

CUSTOMER:
Where would I find a book about William Shakespeare?

BOOKSELLER:
We’ve probably got one in our biography section. I’ll have a look for you.

CUSTOMER:
Wouldn’t it be in fiction? I mean, he wasn’t a real person or anything, right?