Most of Me (11 page)

No…not Rats. Something else.

The sound stops, suddenly.

Behind me, now.

In the wall. In the dirt.

But I couldn’t see it; unfortunately, I didn’t have the pleasure in turning my neck.

I closed my eyes, fearful of what I might capture in my thoughts, because I’m not dreaming now. I’m awake. And the nightmares will be real. What I see is, though, is blackness. But the smell of damp and dirt is strong, far more intense than the usual, as though I was swimming through the soil and was drowning in earth. I opened my eyes with a start and screamed.

Jack stopped at the summit of the steps. He pivoted near the basement door. I could see by the look on his face that he sensed an abnormality. His features looked grotesque and twisted with horror. And with the swinging light above his head, his face was distorted.

A hand pushed through the moist dirt and grabs my belt. I’m pulled backwards against the muddy wall, narrowly avoiding the mirror. Another hand grabbed my waist and thrust me deeper in the dirt. But then I start to sense my fingers. I look up at Jack, at his twisted face. I can feel the metal of the gun, the sweat flowing down my forehead. I can taste the salt on my lips. I can now squeeze the handle. I can pull the trigger...or I can choose not too. I can move my neck, and slowly, I check my waist and see the hand that holds me. I manage to take a step forward and look over my shoulder. But I know what I see, because I could smell the soil as I dragged myself through. I could feel the humidity of the air when I pushed my hands from the mud and grabbed the belt buckle of my older self. I was seeing from two pairs of eyes at the same time.

I looked down at myself, face pale and covered with dirt, but it was me, the other me, the boy from the window. It was the me that was lost in this house, trapped. But, I could feel my soul becoming one again; being reunited; being myself. And as I became an individual, my twin faded until I felt no hold on my belt and no grip around my waist.

Jack asks something, but I cared not to listen. Or couldn’t hear him over the whistling in my ears. I turn to him. He was coming back down the steps, and looked angry, but curious. He said,
“
D
on’t you ignore me, Daniel! What
’
s happening? What are you doing?
”

I say nothing, but grin. A smile of enlightenment. I still hold the gun to my head.

“
Pull the god damn trigger!
”
he yelled, waving a hand at the pistol.

I tried to keep my eyes easy, unreadable, for I'm sure Jack can see into them.
Can he?

He took another step closer, stopped, and looked uneasy.
“
What are you waiting for?
”
This sounds like a real question; there’s confusion in his voice, and I can tell that he’s feeling threatened.

I keep the gun to my head. And for a brief moment I imagine myself pulling the trigger. What must it feel like? I would have release. I could sleep without the nightmares. I could sleep!

My smile fades, suddenly.

“
Yes! That’s it, Dan!
”
he breathes.
“
I see what you’re thinking and you will not feel a god damn thing. But if I reach you before you pull the trigger, I swear, you will feel more pain that you’ve ever felt in your sorry life. So use the damn gun!
”

“
I think I will.
”
I pulled the gun away from my head, my hand falling to my side.

Jacks’ eyes widen as he looked to my right, but not at the gun. He stared at the figure standing by my side. The figure of a boy with matted brown hair, long strands caked across his forehead and face. He was thick with dirt. But his pale blue eyes shone through. His head reached my shoulders, and he looked up at me with a glimmer of a smile.

It was Jack!

But behind him, a crowd of hands made from dirt cling onto him like a chain. They hold his ankles and his wrists; they hold onto his waist and neck, too. Its as though he is attached to the soil that makes up the wall around us.

I raised the pistol towards the old man. “Have you checked the hourglass lately?” I asked him with a smirk. “You don’t have me anymore. You have no control.”

“You can’t be here. I killed you!” he told the young boy. “I made sure of it. I stabbed you in the heart and buried you down here. You can’t be alive. You’re a God Damn
deadman!
”

I glanced at the boy. “Carl? You’re Carl, aren’t you?” I gasped.

“Hello, Daniel. I’m sorry you’re here, but its all him, you understand.”

I said, “So, he takes your body, you take his.”

“Something like that.” He shrugged. “I woke up this way, Daniel. I was trapped, hiding in the walls, in the dirt. I listened to you, but I was too weak to do anything. I tried to warn you, though. The ghost at the top of the stairs? You remember that?”

“That was you?” I said.

Jack interrupted, “I can kill you again, Carl! Don’t forget that!”

Carl said, “Yes…you can try, but you will fail. You will always fail, Jack. Because you simply don’t understand.” He pulled at the hands, chains that had him locked to the foundations of the house, and he lifted them, showing them to Jack. “I am bound to this house; there is no release, neither in body nor mind. All that you have achieved is making me a prisoner of my own home, but you will not kill me.”

Jack said, “I will try.”

“But for what reason?” Carl asked. “You saw into the mirror. You have the power now, not I.”

“Because you brought me into this house. If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve grown up. But, you made me curious!”

“I did no such thing!”

“You made me curious, old man; don’t deny it!” he yelled. “You made me come inside! It’s all your fault, so I
will
kill you, just as I killed that
bastard
of a brother of mine, and that
bitch
of a mother. Just as I’ll kill you, Daniel.” He was throwing his arms about, irritated, then he stopped and stared at me, and pointed with his long thin finger. “Just as I’ll
kill
you!” Jack turned and slowly walked away.

“Just as you murdered Father Thomas,” I put in.

Jack chuckled as though this amused him. He said, “I still have you old man.”

I suppose I was relieved. I knew I couldn’t have killed Ben and his Mother. And Jack had confirmed it.

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” I demanded, although I knew I was lying to myself. Jack couldn’t be saved; I feared he was too far gone.

“The gun, Daniel,” Carl reminded me through dirt filled teeth. “The gun…use it.”

“But…whats the point?” I asked in a low tone because I didn’t want Jack to hear.

Carl closed his eyes. He clung to my t-shirt; I felt it tear in his finger, but he held on. By the look on his face, something worried him. He jolted violently into the dirt wall, hitting his back against the mud and gave out an audible grunt. There was a real panic in his eyes, a dread that he was going back to the place where he loathed so much.

He said, “He’s got me. They’re taking me back, Daniel. Use the damn gun before its too late!”

I raised the pistol towards Jack.

When he was at the top on the stairs, he turned, the swinging light above his head giving the illusion that he was more gaunt than the truth told. He grinned at Carl. “Goodbye, old man,” Jack said.

The chains that bound Jack to the house were stealing him away, dragging him deeper in the mud.

“Use it!” Carl admonished. His arms extended from the dirt, reaching out for a rescue that would never happen. His body was gone and he struggled to keep his face from disappearing, too. He was fighting to keep his head above the water before drowning. He coughed and choked on the mud, spluttering again and again. Then he was gone.

“So…are you really going to use it, Dan? I don’t believe you will…do you? I think we’ve come to that conclusion now. I can feel that you’re stronger. You have yourself back. And I must admit, I didn’t see that one coming. But I will get you back; I will own you. I will
have
you!”

“Maybe so. The longer I stop in this house, the more of me you’ll take, feeding, making you stronger. But if I kill you now…”

Jack laughed. “Kill me? I can’t die?”

“Perhaps not, but maybe it’ll buy some time.”

“Maybe you will. I’ll allow you that, at least, but it won’t be much. You’ll leave this house and I’ll still feed off your pain.”

He was right. I could kill him, put a bullet in the back of his head, and I could escape. But he’ll start to take from me again. He’ll begin all over again and steal away my soul. And pretty soon he’ll have most of me. When that day comes, I may as well be dead. Because they’ll be nothing left.

I shouted at him.
“
You can read my thoughts, Jack? You tell me what’s going to happen?
If you feel so confident then surely you know how it’s going to end.”

He looked over his shoulder and gave a sinister grin. “I know you’ll finish here, in this house. And that tells me all I need to know.”

“And do you see yourself there, too?” I asked.

Jack
opened his mouth, and was about to say something, but couldn’t. It was as though I had hurt him by what I had said. I wondered what he was hiding from me. There
was
something he wasn’t telling me. Perhaps he couldn’t say because he didn’t know for sure.

“Not that it matters, anyway. If I die, then I die. One way or another its got to come to an end.” I held up the gun, aimed it at the back of Jacks head.

“Do it!” He jeered. “It makes no god damn difference.” He continued walking, and was just about to leave the basement.

“
Fuck you! And fuck this house! I’ll burn it to the ground before I’m done. Ashes and dust…thats all it’ll be.
”

...it was his demise...

...his execution.

I can’t remember pulling the trigger, only that the sound whistled through my ears like a wet finger around the rim of a wine glass. The side of Jacks head exploded, spraying blood and brains over the basement door. It cracked as easily as a china doll. The hole in his head was scorched. I pulled the trigger several more times. On the fourth shot, his body slumped in the doorway. There was a damp patch forming around his groin. When the shot fire finally ceased, I found myself still squeezing the trigger.
Click! Click! Click!

Eventually, my arm dropped and the ground claimed the gun. The room was silent, but in my head, the whistling penetrated my brain like nails on a chalk board. I looked down on the mirror, dropped to my knees and began wrapping up the relic in haste. I didn’t yet know what my intentions were. There was no plan, only instinct. I knew that I must leave this house immediately, and with the relic under arm.

I climbed the ladder, tossing the mirror onto the top and then followed it out of the hole. I looked down at the moist walls. I wondered what had happened to Carl.

I tested by whispering Carls name. Jack was dead, for now, so I didn’t want to wake him too early. This was my time now, however little advantage I had.

I climbed the stairs that lead out of the basement, stepping over Jacks body. It did resemble him now, his true self, his younger self. And for a brief moment, I actually had sympathy for him. Blood bubbled from the cavity in his head and emitted a peculiar sticky sound. It forced vomit to the back of my throat, but I swallowed it down. The sympathy that I had for him soon faded as I reminded myself what he had done.

I peered into the hallway where I could feel a cool breeze. I was so used to smelling the damp of the basement that the outside freshness surprised me. It was like candy. That summed it up in a single word. A word where everything was good.

The red door was open. It was as if the house was letting me go, that I had won and it was conceding defeat. But before I stepped out, there was a creak from up the stairs. I took a peek and listened.

“Carl?” I called. “Is that you?” But there was no reply. I turned for the red door.

“Boy!” A voice said.

I stopped and looked around again, but saw nothing.

“I’m here, Daniel.”

I followed the sound to the wall at the foot of the stairs. I could hear deep breathing, heavy and strained. I looked at the red door. I was scratching the back of my head when a hand tugged at my belt. It was very gently as if it didn’t want to startle me. I walked forward and heaved Carl from the wall.

“Hello, son.”

I looked at him and he was old man Winters again. He was the man I feared and loathed and wanted to kill more than anything. But things had changed. I hated him know more. He wasn’t the person I thought him to be.

“How long have I got?” I asked him. There were other answers that I needed, but Jack was bleeding out at the basement door, and I knew that my time was limited.

“I’m not sure; hours, perhaps days.” He ruffled the back of his hair as if to release dried dirt that was matted to his scalp. “When he killed me, I wasn’t sure how much time had past before I woke in Jacks body.”

“I don’t think you’re as bad as I thought,” I confessed, although trying to keep my emotions reserved. I realised too much and too soon could prove a deadly combination. So I was careful. This could still be another trick.

“Well, your Mother wasn’t to know. How is she?”

How could he not know; I thought he knew everything. But no, that was Jack, wasn’t it?

“She died,” I told him, my voice sounding low. “Cancer,” I said. “She warned me against you.”

“And yet, here you are.”

“Here I am.”

Carl bowed his head. He removed a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped the dust from is hands. “I had hoped that maybe I could’ve seen her.” He shook his head. “Did she suffer at all?” He returned the handkerchief.

“No,” I told him. I was lying because she did in her own way. I didn’t want to tell him that, though. Little information was kinder…simpler. “Why is Jack different from you?”

“Different?” he queried with a smirk. The right side if his mouth lifted and I could see stained teeth.

“Yes…different…I don’t know. Mad? Evil? He wasn’t the boy I knew.”

“He had a bad taste in his mouth, Daniel. Unfortunately, you caused that. All Jacks got in his stomach is hatred. He was feeding of it; thats the difference between him and me.” He glanced up the stairs expectantly. “I always loved my family and that stopped me from drowning. The mirror, and the evil it released into this house seduced me. It changed me, but it never had all of me! I kept something in the basement.” Carl tapped his head with his boney finger. “Something just for me so that I wouldn’t be lost. I had a picture in my mind. Whenever things got bad, I thought of your Mother and my wife. Jack
was
right. I did push them away. But not because I didn’t love them. I pushed them away because I
did
love them. They couldn’t stay. But I couldn’t leave, too.”

“But Jack went missing?” I reminded him. “He came here, into this house, and he never came out! He had a Mom and a brother…he was loved!”

He kept on nodding and looked impatient. “Yes…yes, I know. And that was probably the most selfish act of desperation that I’ve done.” He shrugged. “Simple answer, Daniel; I needed him.” He grabbed my arm when I turned away in disgust.

I let out an audible
Pff!
and whipped away my arm.

Carl delved into another pocket and pulled out loose pieces of paper. “It was going to plan, Daniel, until he killed me, and I was imprisoned in my own house.”

“Why did you do it? He was young. He had his whole life; a future.”

Carl nodded. “Yes, I know. And I regret it everyday.”

“But, why?” I demanded.

“Because I wanted to go; the pain was too great. And I could feel myself being drawn deeper into a place I feared. I needed to die! Be with my Maggie.” He thumbed through the pieces of paper.

“Thats my Grandma?” I never knew her name was Maggie.

He smiled warmly. “The mirror, Daniel. What do you wish to do with it?”

It was under my arm. “Father Thomas told me to destroy it. What would you have me do?”

“Would you listen if I told you, after all that has happened?”

I shrugged and told him, “another opinion wouldn’t go amiss.”

“Well, the mirror does represents Hell; it is hell in all of its purity. A gateway for all that is evil.”

“And so it must be destroyed?” I asked him, anticipating confirmation.

“Mmm,” he replied as if a great sadness suddenly overcome him. “That would be one option, and a good one if only…” he signed.

“But that would be the wrong choice?”

“No…not necessarily, though, it would definitely be over.”

“No seven years of bad luck?”

“Thats rubbish,” he laughed. “Jack trying his tricks. And you believed him?”

I nodded. “It freaked me out a bit.”

“Well, son, its rubbish. You destroy the mirror,
everything
goes away; its over.”

“I’m sensing there’s a
but
in all this?”

Carl gave a guilty wince. “I wouldn’t die, and neither would Jack. But we would be delivered to hell, or a place that certainly wouldn’t be a stranger to the same name.”

“So what would you suggest?” I queried, although sounding abrupt.

“Well…you could release me, but to do that, you would have to save the mirror, guard it as I have. But,” he waved his hand, “I wouldn’t expect that of you!”

“But if I did, I would have the power to set you free; you would be allowed to live.”

Carl sighed, and shook his head. He said into his chest, “Yes, until I die of old age, then you can destroy the mirror and start your life.” He looked up and frowned. “But thats out of the question!”

“Then why make such a suggestion if its out of the question,” I asked bluntly. I suppose I was angry with him for having such thoughts. But it did kind of make sense. My Grandad must have ten years in him at the most. He wasn’t an evil man, so didn’t he deserve some kind of a life?
Didn’t he?

Carl spat, “I…I don’t know. Hope, I guess. But…no, I won’t allow it. I can’t.” He shook his head frantically, and nervously brushed his grey stubble with the back of his hand.

“Would you stop me if I said yes?”

Carl thought about this for a few seconds. He grimaced. “No…I suppose not,” he uttered with reluctance. “But I wouldn’t have very long to live, Daniel. I have cancer, you see. And when I’m released the disease will commence like a big plague upon me. All the years I have missed will rip and tear throughout my raging body. Like I told you earlier; I need to die, now. And these walls have been my protection for too long.”

I took the mirror from under my arm and held it with stretched arms. “Then it wouldn’t be for long,” I looked at Carl and smiled. “I’ll do it.”

“No, you won’t. Jack still lives.
His
death must happen first.”

“I need to kill him?” I asked.

“You’ve got to draw him away from this house. Thats what will make him vulnerable to you. While you’re watching him, and whilst you’re a part of this house, nothing will happen. But as soon as you leave…run! Take the mirror! He’ll come; he needs it, just like a junkie needs drugs. He’ll want it back.” Carl gently pushes the relic into my chest. “And when he finds you, you make damn sure you’re ready for him!”

“And when I kill him?”

He looked away from me. “You come back here. I’m going nowhere.” He had separated the pieces of paper and returned one of the pieces to his pocket, leaving the rest to fall to the floor.

I glanced at Jacks body. “He looks pretty harmless. He’s only a boy.”

“He’s infected and that makes him more than a boy,” Carl warned. “He can make demons rise for him; he can tell them to come for you. He’s clever like that. So don’t be fooled by his angelic appearance.”

“No,” I uttered. “He killed his own family; I know he’s dangerous.”

***

There was a forest five miles out of town. I didn’t know what was going to happen when Jack found me, so I need somewhere quiet, away from the public. Someplace where know one else would get hurt. But I also needed a place to run, to hide if needed.

I wondered what would happen once he was here. However, I discovered that once I delved too deep into the scenarios of my mind, the outcome would be bloody and gruesome and unnatural. And although I would question just how I would kill him, I struggled to evade the imagines my mind left with me. The pistol was back at the house, and I had no other weapon on me. I checked my waist, but I knew that I wasn't wearing a belt either, so I couldn’t strangle him. But even to strangle him, I would need to get close to him. And that alone would be a challenging task.

Surely I must have the advantage. I
was
the adult after all, and here was this young adolescent, smaller than me, weaker than me. Because without the protection of the house, he was as vulnerable as anything living. His skull could crack, his bones would break, he could die.

I found a base camp, made a fire from dried wood and twigs, and searched around for something solid to hit Jack with. I had placed the relic in a rucksack I had found in the car trunk, and now used it to cushion by back against a tree. I watched the fire, holding onto the makeshift weapon I had found, and waited for him. I knew that if I fell asleep, then Jack would start taking from me again. But I slept regardless.

I was in the kitchen of the house. I called out for Carl, but he didn’t answer. I wandered into the hallway, stopping just before the basement. The door was shut, so I carefully opened it. The light was on. It swayed as though something had just tapped it. But there was no Jack. His body was clear of the floor. He had gone. And then I was pushed through the basement door by a heavy hand. I slipped down a couple of steps, but managed to turn around and took grip of the rail. But the tighter I held on, the rail crumbled into ash.

It was Carl. “
Go! Wake up, you damn fool!
” he screamed. I reached out for him because I could feel gravity winning. But he put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me down the steps instead. “
Wake up, boy! Wake up!
” He was angry, his stained teeth gritted behind snarling lips.

The sun had fallen and I awoke under a blanket of stars. The fire crackled and spat, flames flickering, creating silhouettes of disfigures beasts that crept through the trees. I grunted as I stood, stretching away the pain of sleeping with your back against your rucksack. I wiped away damp bark from my jeans and observed my surroundings for the first time in the dark.

I knew he was here, or at least very close. Carl had warned me, so I was expecting him.

“I’m waiting!” I called out. I was anticipating an echo, but it was as if the trees were absorbing my voice, stopping it from escaping the forest and alerting other of my presence. No one would ever know I’m here. But isn’t that what I wanted?
I couldn’t help but wonder if I had sealed my own fate by choosing this place.

The air became still and I could smell the basement of the house. “Jack?” I shouted, but sounding a little lower because I was feeling a presence. “Are you here?” I squinted through the trees. There was a silhouette moving in a haphazard way between the tree trunks. It could have been the fire, but this was different than before.

“Jack!” I called a bit louder. “I see you!”

“You see nothing…” Jack was behind me. He was reaching for the rucksack.

There was a rustling within the trees where I had seen something move.

Jack said, “…but death; something that is here, but not here; something that, if you don’t kill it first, will rip you apart.” He picked up the rucksack, checked for the mirror inside, and leered at me. The fire morphed his face to resemble something grotesque and evil.

There was the crackling and breaking of branches, and out from the darkness came the Pacemaker. It breathed heavily as if it had run a great distance. And then as abruptly as it had appeared, it stopped and stared.

“I knew this would be easy, Dan, but…come on! This is child’s play. Its almost as if you want to die,” Jack insisted. “Is that it, Dan?
Do
you want to die? Have you given in to your guilt? All those years of wondering,
where did Jack go?
The guilt that you must have been riddle with,” he spat. “I almost sympathise.”