Mother Load (2 page)

Though they had never actually formalized the routine, Lily usually took charge of getting Andy up in the morning and Anna supervised his bath and tucked him in at night. It had become a highlight of her day, and possibly the only time she could truly forget her worries. She chuckled sheepishly, remembering how she had avoided being alone with Andy when he first came to live there. Now she couldn’t wait for bedtime. The feelings of love that welled up inside her in these quiet minutes made her wonder how she had ever lived without him in her life.

He emerged from the bathroom in his favorite racecar pajamas, his curly brown hair still wet from his bath. “Mama says I swim just like a fish. Jonah swims faster than I do, but I can hold my breath underwater longer.” There was a faint rasp in his voice, which usually preceded an episode of asthma. That happened regularly when he laughed too much or played too long, as he had today. Lily was confident he would outgrow it soon, but not soon enough for Anna. She hated how it always forced him to keep his excitement in check, no matter the occasion.

“I hear wheezing, pal. That means it’s time to calm down and take it easy. Do you want to sit with me in the rocking chair?”

“Whatever.”

“What kind of answer is that?”

Andy shrugged. “Jonah says it.”

Anna shook her head and let out a small sigh. At least it was better than the last word her nephew had taught him. “I’ve got an even better idea.” Foregoing the chair, she scooped him up and guided his head against her shoulder. She dreaded the day when one of them decided he was too big to be held like this. “Just close your eyes and try to relax.”

Ever so slowly, she paced the room as he gradually went limp in her arms. Then she walked the floor two more times for good measure before placing him in his bed. With a kiss to his forehead and a scratch under Chester’s chin, she whispered goodnight and tiptoed from the room. On the landing she briefly toyed with the idea of returning to her work downstairs but changed her mind. Lily was already in the shower, signaling her intention to call it a day even though it was only eight thirty. With Andy in bed, they could take advantage of quiet time together to unwind, something that had eluded them of late. Relaxing wasn’t easy with all they had hanging over their head.

She entered their spacious master bath just as Lily turned off the shower. Condensation on the glass door robbed Anna of the view but she knew Lily’s naked body by heart. “Too bad you’re finished. I was about to join you.”

“You’re such a tease,” Lily said, holding the shower door for Anna to enter. “I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon. Andy must have been worn out.”

“He was. Good thing he likes to sleep, unlike my sister’s children.”

“Let’s hope our luck holds with the next one,” Lily said, a nervous smile playing on her lips. Those were the first words uttered by either of them today about their plans. It was hard not to talk about it, but talking sometimes made them worry even more. Their doctor said it was common for struggling couples to become stressed, and she suggested they put the topic off-limits whenever they were trying to relax. Talking about it wouldn’t change their results and would only increase their anxiety.

Anna couldn’t ignore the remark though, not with their emotions simmering so close to the surface as they awaited the next day’s definitive blood test. Lily’s anguish about her failure to get pregnant after their first two attempts was acute, so much that when the doctor casually reminded them they had other options, Anna had stridently offered to carry their child if this third effort came up short. She still couldn’t believe those words had left her mouth. It wasn’t that she wasn’t willing to do it if that’s what it took—she just didn’t want to be pregnant now when she already had so many other demands on her attention. She knew it was a selfish attitude and that’s why she kept it to herself. “One of these days, we’re going to be the luckiest people on earth.”

Lily pressed her palms against the door of the shower and kissed the glass. “I’ve been telling myself all day that I already am.” She quickly dried her short blond hair and disappeared from the room.

It didn’t surprise her that Lily had been preoccupied at the Big House, especially since she had spent so much of the day talking with Kim…probably about baby Alice. Her own thoughts had bounced between work and babies throughout the day. With their third pregnancy test only a few hours away, she finished her shower and hurried through her ablutions, determined to give Lily her undivided attention.

To her surprise, she found their bedroom aglow in soft candlelight. Lily sat on the edge of the bed wearing her favorite sleepwear, a worn purple tank top that draped to her thighs.

Anna stopped in the doorway of the bathroom and folded her arms. “What’s this?”

“Probably not what you think. Get over here and lose the robe.”

“I love it when you go all dominatrix on me.”

Lily chuckled. “That’ll be the day.” She guided Anna into a prone position across the bed and straddled her backside. Then she dug her fingers into the small of her back and began to knead.

Anna moaned with pleasure, turning on the mental clock that usually kept track of these things so she could return the gesture in kind.

“I know what you’re thinking, Amazon. Forget it, this is all about you.” Lily’s hands trickled outward and brushed the sides of her breasts with feather-like strokes. “Well, not all of it.” She massaged the knots in Anna’s neck, producing a sensation that was alternately torture and bliss.

Anna tucked her chin to expose the long muscle. “You’re killing me…but oh, what a way to go.”

“Give it a minute. If it hurts, it’s probably because you need it.”

“You mean because you knead it.”

Lily answered her pun with a deep, two-handed pinch to her trapezius.

“Ow!”

“Just try to relax. If nothing else, it will feel good when I stop.”

Anna drew a deep breath and tried to empty her head of everything except the physical sensations. It was as if she could feel the muscle fibers separating as Lily pried them apart. “No offense but that feels better than sex.”

Lily chuckled. “Good thing I don’t happen to believe you, or I’d take that personally.”

Anna opened one eye and stole a peek at the clock. “When did we start going to bed at nine o’clock?”

“Maybe it was when you started waking up at four a.m. so you could get a head start on worrying about your day.”

There was no denying that. What Lily probably didn’t know was that she often awoke several times in the night, her mind bombarded with worries about both their fertility efforts and her business. Sometimes it was all she could do to resist getting out of bed to walk the floor and try to clear her thoughts. Over the past two weeks, she had come up with a plan that should take care of her work problems—gutting Premier Motors to its barest operating essentials, from where all forward business spelled profit instead of loss. Encouraged by Hal’s projections, she nonetheless dreaded what the moves would mean to her staff and their families.

“Stop thinking about work.”

“How did you know that?”

“Because you always think about work.” Lily pressed hard on both sides of her spine and popped her back in three places.

“Not always,” Anna grunted. “I’ve been thinking about our baby too. I can tell you’ve been worrying about it. You aren’t the only one who can read minds.”

“Not worried, just anxious. I wish it was tomorrow already.”

“It’ll get here soon enough.” She wanted to point out they might already be pregnant, but it would only underscore the other two times she had said that and it turned out to be false. “It’ll happen, sweetheart, whatever it takes.”

In the quiet minutes that followed, Lily’s touch subtly changed from a therapeutic massage to a loving caress, and Anna became aware of pubic curls brushing her backside. She concentrated on the point of contact, trying to decide if the tantalizing touch was intentional or mere coincidence.

“You have the most gorgeous body,” Lily whispered, sliding aside to cup Anna’s bottom. Then her lips left a moist trail from hip to shoulder, and she settled alongside.

The heat rose between Anna’s legs as Lily stroked her backside and thighs, and she drew her knee upward to open herself. As fingers slid through her wetness from behind, she nestled backward into the warm body and surrendered. Lily took her time, never lingering in one place for more than a few strokes as her lips continued their gentle caress of her shoulder. From her occasional murmurs, she was focused solely on Anna’s satisfaction, and once the tiny spasms began, so was Anna.

“That’s it, baby. Let it go.”

She shuddered and covered Lily’s hand with hers to hold it in place, savoring the intimate connection that was always part of their lovemaking. Only one thing felt better—giving the same pleasure to Lily.

Already aroused, Lily responded quickly. Anna got her wish, her fingers deep inside as Lily’s climax rippled out. Spent, she hovered on the precipice of sleep, stirring only when Lily rose briefly to snuff out the candles.

Lily let out a breath as the nurse withdrew the fat needle and dabbed her elbow with a cotton swab. Only ten days had passed since the implantation procedure, not enough time to feel changes in her body, but this blood test would reveal if their efforts had been successful. This time they had used one egg from her and another from Anna. Dr. Ostrov thought that might improve their odds, since using Anna’s eggs alone hadn’t yet resulted in implantation. If this one failed they had to consider the possibility that her uterus wasn’t suited for pregnancy, though she had never had any gynecological problems to suggest that was the case.

“It’ll take a few minutes to run this,” the woman said. “Dr. Ostrov said you should wait in her office.”

With Anna’s help, Lily slipped back into the dark brown jacket of her suit, which she had worn for an afternoon court appearance. Determined not to let anyone know about their fertility efforts until they were successful, she had taken a couple of hours of sick leave under the auspices of a routine checkup. Considering how many times she had done that since last winter, her co-workers at the Braxton Street Legal Aid Clinic probably shared Kim’s suspicions about a dreaded disease.

Anna had no meetings today, so she was dressed casually in black slacks and an aqua shirt that made her blue eyes shine. Her stomach growled loudly as they stepped into the hallway and she glanced around nervously to see if anyone else had heard.

“I warned you not to skip breakfast.”

“I was too nervous. I would have thrown up.” She handed Lily her handbag. “Take this. I need to make a pit stop.”

With deliberate slowness, Lily strolled to the end of the wide green hallway, pausing to study several embryonic images taken at various stages of cellular development, artfully matted and framed. It was a fitting collection for a practice that specialized in fertility issues, and she was grateful they hadn’t chosen portraits of smiling mothers and their perfect babies. Not all fertility aspirations ended so happily.

In Dr. Ostrov’s office, diplomas lined the wall behind the spotless cherry desk. Medical school at the University of Washington and a residency at UC-San Francisco Medical Center made for a distinguished pedigree. Lily pegged her for mid-forties, even though her short curly hair was completely gray. From her trim and fit figure, she probably lived the healthy lifestyle she prescribed for her patients.

Too nervous to sit, Lily went to the tenth-floor window and looked down on the hospital’s emergency room. It wasn’t much in the way of a view, but she doubted Beth spent much time in her office gazing out the window.

Their expectations were tempered this time, as if their next attempt—a fourth, in which Anna would be implanted—was already a foregone conclusion. That thought filled her with frustration. She wanted to carry their child, but when Anna had offered to do it next time she realized how eager Anna was to have a baby now.

Her stomach tightened with anticipation as the door opened, but it was Anna, not the doctor. “No sign of Beth yet,” Lily said.

“It took about twenty minutes last time.” That was five months ago after their second try, when they both had felt the odds were in their favor.

“Twenty minutes that seemed like twenty days.”

“I’ll gladly sit here that long if it means good news.”

All morning Lily had sensed Anna’s resolve. Neither of them had wavered about wanting another child, and the sooner the better. “I need to ask you something important, but it’s okay to say no.”

Anna chuckled and slumped into one of the chairs in front of Beth’s desk. “You should know by now the answer is whatever you need it to be.”

Lily perched on the edge of the other chair and twirled her wedding ring nervously. “It’s kind of scary to me to realize how much I want this. I don’t just mean us having a baby. I mean me. I know Beth said if it didn’t work this time we should think about letting you be the one to get pregnant. I just…I really want you to let me keep trying, at least another couple of times.”

The look on Anna’s face was pure surprise. “You’re kidding.” Then she shook her head with obvious disbelief and started to laugh. “All this time, I’ve been having nightmares because I said I’d go next, and here you’ve been freaking out because you didn’t want me to.”

“Nightmares? I thought you were in a hurry to have children. You said you didn’t want to be the oldest mom at graduation.”

Anna laughed even harder. “This is LA. If I’m worried about looking too old, I’ll get my face pinned back.”

“Over my dead body! No one touches that face.” Their silliness was a welcome relief to the angst that had been building for days. Even if today’s test came up empty, Anna was willing to give her more chances, and that felt like release of a pressure valve. “I can’t believe I’ve been worrying this whole time. I didn’t want you to get frustrated about how long it might take. That’s what we get for not talking to each other.”

“We studied all the options, Lily. The way I see it I’m just a backup plan. I only offered because I didn’t want you to get discouraged about it.”