Mother’s Only Child (36 page)

‘It’s a pity we can’t go out in the evening properly,’ Barney said eventually, his arm around Patsy.

‘We can,’ she said, wondering why the words seemed so hard to say. Her tongue seemed to have swollen to twice its size and her whole mouth seemed sort of wobbly, but she persevered. ‘I’m allowed to go to the youth club after Christmas and I don’t…don’t have…don’t…’

‘Barney laughed. ‘You, my dear girl, are drunk, very drunk. I told you not to knock back those drinks so fast. I know what you are trying to say, but just now you have to get to bed, and quick, before they come back and see you in this state.’

Barney pulled her to her feet, where she swayed and would have fallen if he hadn’t held her. He very much wanted to carry her up the stairs and make love to her and he knew she would be in no fit state to stop him, but he hadn’t any contraceptives and what would happen if she became pregnant and named him? Sean would kill him without thinking about it, he knew. So instead he sat Patsy down on a dining chair, brought her a big glass of water and forced her to drink it. It made her feel only moderately better but she was able to stagger and stumble her way up the stairs.

Barney washed and put away Patsy’s glass, emptied the ashtray and hid the bottle of port in his wardrobe. He was only just in time. He heard them coming in the door as he was pouring himself a beer.

‘Where’s Patsy?’ Martha asked.

‘She’s gone to bed,’ Barney said. ‘I told her to. She was yawning her head off and I was in early tonight and I said I’d wait until you came in.’

‘That’s not like her at all,’ Martha said with a frown. ‘I hope she’s not sickening for something. I best look in. Would you put the kettle on, Sean, and I’ll make a bit of supper for these tired boys?’

‘I ain’t tired,’ complained Tony. ‘It was Paul went to sleep on the bus.’

‘I never.’

‘Yes, you did.’

‘No, I never.’

‘You did so.’

‘That will do, you two,’ Sean said firmly. ‘I don’t care if you’re tired or not. I am tired and that means you have to go to bed, because you both wear me out.’

‘It ain’t fair we have to go to bed because you are tired,’ Tony declared.

‘Tony, it’s way past your bedtime anyway.’

‘But I ain’t sleepy yet.’

Martha came into the room then and said, ‘You’re overtired, that’s what’s the matter with you. Patsy has more sense. She is dead to the world up there, whereas you two are like a couple of weasels, so don’t spoil a nice night. I am going to do you a slice of dripping toast each and a cup of cocoa and then you are going to go to bed with no argument.’

Tony looked across at Paul and he shrugged. They both knew to their cost that when their mother spoke in a certain way, the wisest course by far was just to agree.

Maria was tired too, but when Barney drained his glass and suggested going to bed, she said, ‘I’m all for it, but I’ll have to feed Sally first.’

‘Well, let’s go up, anyway,’ Barney said. He felt as if he was on fire, and he barely let Maria in through the door before he was stripping her clothes off her.

‘Barney, the baby,’ Maria said, for Sally was beginning to stir, but Barney was far too worked up to wait any longer and he pushed Maria down on the bed.

She found it hard to get aroused, or enjoy the act itself, when in the background Sally had started to moan and grumble. Then began the ear-splitting wails that demanded attention. Maria lay under Barney and wondered what Sean and Martha would think of her, just leaving her baby to cry.

Patsy woke next morning with a raging thirst, a feeling of nausea and the thought that ten thousand hammers were pounding inside her head. In fact, she felt ill, really ill. She could never recall feeling so bad.

Martha looking in on her daughter later, took in the flushed face and the way her eyes were screwed against the light, and suggested she have the day in bed. She took her up her breakfast with a couple of aspirins, convinced she was coming down with something. Patsy did have a pang of guilt at having her mother fuss around her, but she did feel far too ill to get up.

By lunch time she’d begun to feel a little bit better, but it was coming up to teatime before she felt able to get up.

‘It must have been one of those twenty-four-hour things,’ Martha said later, as the family sat eating the evening meal. ‘I mean, Patsy is fine now, but this morning she looked like death warmed up. I really did think she was getting flu or something. Once that gets in the house, it goes round everyone like a dose of salts.’

Barney met Patsy’s eye across the table. Both of them knew it was no flu she had, and they shared a special secretive smile. No one noticed it but Maria, and she told herself that she had imagined it.

‘We always said we would go to the youth club together,’ Chloë grumbled in the school yard that raw January day. ‘We’ve talked about it for ages.’

‘I know, but it’s my only chance of getting out for the evening,’ Patsy said. ‘Go on, Chloë. I’d do it for you.’

‘I really hope that you know what you are doing. This Barney must be an old man.’

‘No, he’s not,’ Patsy said. ‘But he is a man, not some pimply boy acting daft in front of his mates. He’s really handsome too,’ she added dreamily.

‘And related.’

‘No, he’s not, not really. Only through marriage.’

‘Yeah, and that’s it, isn’t it? The man is married.’

‘I know that, but we’re just friends,’ Patsy maintained.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Chloe said sarcastically. ‘Were you born yesterday? A man like that doesn’t want a friend.’

‘He does,’ Patsy said. ‘He treats me like I am really grown up. He gives me cigarettes and everything.’

‘You smoke?’ Chloë squealed. To her, smoking was the ultimate in sophistication and she couldn’t wait till she could start herself. ‘Does your mother know?’

‘Don’t talk daft. Course not, but as Barney says, he does and Sean does, but I bet Sean would throw a dickey fit if I just lit up.’

‘What’s it like?’

‘Good,’ Patsy said. ‘I didn’t like it much to start
with, but I stuck at it and it makes me feel great now. Calms you down and everything. Mind you, I don’t row like I used to, and that was Barney too. He said if I offered to do things and stuff like that—model daughter, you know—then they would give me more freedom and he was right. As he said, they don’t really care about me now they have Deirdre, especially Sean. I mean, he’s bound to think more of his own daughter than someone else’s. Before I had Barney as a friend that used to upset me and make me angry, but now I don’t care that much and if I do get het up, I get out of the house and have a fag.’

‘God, Patsy,’ Chloë said enviously.

‘I drink too when I am with Barney,’ Patsy said, rubbing it in. ‘He buys me port and lemon.’ No need to tell Chloë she’d only had it the once. ‘He’s taking me to the pub tonight, as a matter of fact. He plays poker and they have a card school there. He’s taught me to play poker, but he says I must only watch, no women play poker in the pubs. It would be frowned on.

‘And I’ll tell you one thing: Maria has never been to watch him play. Barney says she never has shown an interest in any of his pastimes and isn’t that the very thing it tells you a woman should do in that
Woman’s Weekly
magazine your mother has?’

Chloë nodded. She couldn’t deny it. When her mother finished with the magazine, she would give it to Chloe. She’d often bring it to school and she and Patsy would read it avidly together. It had tips on a woman making the most of herself and many ways of making a man happy. Both Chloë and Patsy decided they wanted to be model wives when their turn came,
and that article about taking an interest in your man’s hobbies was in the issue just before Christmas.

‘Why doesn’t she?’

Patsy shrugged. ‘Barney said she doesn’t approve of cards. She’s proper prissy about it. He doesn’t have much of a life with her really. He says she’s a terrible nag.’

‘Well, you never took to her, did you?’

‘No…,’ Patsy said. But she said it slowly for she was finding it hard to keep the animosity alive when Maria was so good about making her some decent clothes. She had made her a new navy skirt already, and was going to knock up a few blouses to go with it, she said, but Patsy didn’t tell Chloë that.

The pub that night was everything that Patsy could have dreamt of in terms of excitement. Mindful of last time, Barney told Patsy to stick to orange, and that is what she told the first man who offered to buy her a drink, but unbeknownst to Patsy, the man had vodka added to it and any time after that, if a man said the drink was for the little lady the barman added a shot of vodka.

Barney was much too engrossed with the cards to notice, and Patsy, knowing the rudiments of the game, was almost as agitated as Barney. She was glad he had left his pack of cigarettes on the table so that she could just help herself without disturbing him. She sat so close their knees touched and she felt a thrill of exhilaration running through him, his face tight in concentration, his brow puckered so that his eyebrows met across the bridge of his nose. As the stakes were raised,
and more money thrown into the pile, the excitement was at fever pitch.

Barney was lucky that night and he came away with a wodge of money. ‘Come on,’ he said to Patsy. ‘It’s nearly closing time anyway, and I have to get you home.’

Patsy obediently tried to get to her feet, but staggered and quickly sat back down again.

‘How much have you had to drink?’ Barney asked.

Patsy had no idea. Drinks had been pushed into her hand all night. ‘Lots,’ she said, starting to giggle, ‘but only orange juice.’

‘Like hell it was,’ Barney said, fastening Patsy’s coat around her. ‘Let’s hope the walk home sobers you up some, or we are for the high jump.’

Barney held her tight against him as they walked and when he felt her burrowing closer, he led her to an alleyway off Mason Road, took her in his arms and kissed her, teasing her mouth open. When his tongue began darting in and out of her mouth she felt strong urges begin in her body—so strong they frightened her and she pushed Barney away.

‘What’s up?’ Barney said, puzzled.

‘It’s just…well, we are just friends, aren’t we?’

‘Of course.’

Patsy was embarrassed and she hoped Barney would not be cross, or think her silly, but she went on anyway, ‘The thing is, I don’t think that sort of kiss is for friends.’

‘Well, you sure as damn don’t give it to your enemies.’

‘I know, but…‘ Patsy couldn’t explain that that sort of kiss stirred up feelings in her that she could barely understand, but knew she shouldn’t have for
Barney. She liked cuddling up tight or holding Barney’s hand, and had no objection to a kiss on the cheek or lips, but she didn’t want to go further than that.

Barney looked at her in exasperation. She was very young and totally inexperienced so he decided he would play it her way for now. ‘Come on then,’ he said. ‘Let’s make for home.’

‘You aren’t cross with me, are you?’

‘No, I’m not cross with you.’

‘It’s just, well, it doesn’t seem right.’

‘I know, you said.’

‘You are cross.’

‘I’m not cross,’ Barney said. ‘It’s just that you’re so scared of things. How will it hurt Maria if you and I have a bit of fun together?’

‘I suppose it won’t, but…‘

‘There is always a but with you, Patsy. How do you feel about sex?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Would you go all the way with someone?’

‘Of course I would, when I was married.’

‘Not before?’

‘Oh, no,’ Patsy said. ‘I couldn’t do anything like that.’

‘Why is that?’ Barney asked. ‘Is it because the Church says so?’

‘Partly, and there’s the fear of getting pregnant,’

‘Oh, there’s things can be done to prevent pregnancy,’ Barney said airily. ‘As for the other, what do celibate priests know about desires of the body? If two people want to have sex together, what harm does it do?’

Patsy had never ever heard a viewpoint like this
expressed before. ‘Have you done that,’ she asked, ‘had sex with other women?’

‘Aye.’

‘Lots of women?’

‘A fair few, aye.’

Patsy wanted to ask him if he’d had sex with others since he’d married Maria and if they still had sex together, but felt those things were too personal to ask.

They’d nearly reached the house and Barney stopped and held out his arms. ‘Come here.’

Patsy went willingly and Barney kissed her, but made no effort to do anything else and Patsy was able to relax.

He gave her a peppermint and said, ‘Now listen, suck hard on that and, for God’s sake, unless you want this to be the last time we do this, concentrate on walking in a straight line and talking without slurring your words. Now go in and tell them how marvellous the youth club was.’

‘What about you?’

‘Well, we can hardly go in together.’

‘No,’ Patsy said, and noted the fact that Barney didn’t say what he was going to do. She had no right to ask either. She was so relieved when she got in that Sean and her mother had gone to bed for she felt decidedly odd and knew her mother would have cottoned on straight away. But there was no one about to see her staggering up the stairs.

Martha wasn’t asleep. She called out as Patsy passed the door, ‘That you, Patsy?’

Patsy concentrated on keeping any suggestion of
slur out of her voice as she answered, ‘Yes, Mom. Tell you all about it in the morning.’

Chloë wanted a blow-by-blow account the next day, when she called round so that they could go to the library together. Patsy gave her an edited version of the evening, but it sounded terribly exciting to Chloë, who had had a fairly dull night at the youth club.

‘I am seeing Barney on Sunday afternoon as well,’ she said.

‘What about choir practice?’

‘What about it?’ Patsy said. ‘I’m not going. I am going to the pictures instead.’

‘The nuns will go mad.’

‘No they won’t, not if I tell them I’ve given up choir to concentrate on my studies,’ Patsy said. ‘They’ll want as many to matriculate as possible next year and I bet you they won’t say a word about it.’