Moving Forward (6 page)

When I awakened the next morning, Jamie was already up, and I smiled as he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. Any other time, I would have tried to pull him back to bed. But not today. He returned my smile, but I could see the host of emotions in his eyes, and I knew the day would be long and hard for him, for everyone who loved Matt and Ava.

“I need to get to the funeral home and make certain everything is in place before others start to arrive,” Jamie said. “And I need to talk to Mrs. Sutherland to make sure we’re set for those coming over after we finish the graveside service.” As he rambled on about everything that needed his attention, I left the bed and went to him, pulling him easily into my arms. For a moment, he tensed, but I held firm, and after a second, he relaxed and leaned against my chest while I stroked my hands down his bare back.

“Is it wrong that I just want to fast-forward this entire day,” he went on, “and have it over and done with? I really do want to honor my sister and Matt, but I’m afraid I can’t handle this, Payne. It’s too much. I don’t know if I can get through the eulogy without falling apart and I….”

The arms wrapped around my waist tightened, and I wanted to somehow grant his wish, make the day fly by, but I didn’t have that power, and honestly, I knew Jamie needed this. He needed to say a proper farewell to Ava and Matt. All I could do was support him while saying my own goodbye to two precious friends.

“If you fall apart, it’s okay, because I’ll be there to catch you. No matter what, you remember that.”

“Payne—”

“No one expects you to be Superman, Jamie. Okay? You’re human, and saying goodbye to someone you love is painful. You don’t have to hide that from me or anyone.”

“Thank you.” He lifted his head and looked at me, and I fell into those beautiful eyes.

“You don’t have to thank me, baby. Ever. I love you and I know this is going to be an agonizing day, but we’ll face it together.” I held him for a moment longer before pulling away. “I’ll shower and be dressed in about half an hour, and before you try and argue, yes, I’m going with you to the funeral home.”

He actually seemed relieved, and I left him with a kiss on the cheek, and exactly half an hour later, we were both dressed, looking sober in dark suits. When we went downstairs, Mrs. Sutherland was already there, feeding Aubrey her morning bottle. She had offered to stay with the baby while we were at the funeral. It was one less worry. Aubrey would be safe with her. After holding and kissing the little girl, we left for the funeral home, along with Emma, who looked pale and exhausted. Jamie whispered to me that he would strongly encourage Emma to return with us to New York when the time came.

The drive was mostly silent, and when we arrived, I sat with Emma in the lobby while Jamie spoke with the director.

“How is Jamie?” Emma asked. “And tell me the truth, please, Payne. I know he’s hurting. He’s trying to be strong for me, but he’s… the only thing that keeps me from going crazy worrying about Jamie is knowing he has you.”

“He’s struggling,” I admitted, “because this leaves him feeling exposed, and you know he hates being vulnerable.”

“I know.”

“But he’s also strong, and I know he’ll be able to balance his grief with what comes next.”

“You mean adjusting to having Aubrey,” Emma said.

I nodded. “It will be a big adjustment, but we’re both honored that Ava and Matt would trust us with something so precious.”

“I think they made a wonderful decision, because you and Jamie are wonderful, and I truly believe you will love Aubrey and give her the most amazing life.” Emma managed a smile, but her eyes were still sad as we sat there, her hand in mine. “Look, I don’t want to say or do anything that could undermine the plans you and Jamie have, and I do believe you two will make incredible parents, but if possible, I would like to come to New York. For just a little while. I would stay in a motel, or find a temporary apartment, but I… well, I would like to help you and Jamie with all the arrangements for Aubrey, and to be honest, I need time away from Russ while he works to get his life put back together.”

“Emma, you will not stay at a motel, and yes, you can come with us. Jamie and I have already discussed it, and we intended to talk to you about returning to New York with us.”

“Really?”

“I think the time away will do you good, and I can’t think of anyone better suited to help us with Aubrey.”

“Oh, Payne.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I hugged her.

“We’re family, Emma. You and me and Jamie and Aubrey. And maybe, in time, Russ can be a part of that family too, but for now, the four of us will take care of one another.”

I pulled back from the embrace, and Emma wiped the tears from her eyes as Jamie stepped back into the room. I stood, holding out my hand, which he easily accepted.

“You okay, baby?” I searched his eyes as I asked, and he nodded, squeezing my hand, but I knew that was mostly for his mother’s sake, because no, he wasn’t okay. None of us were. The grief was still too raw. The shock hadn’t completely faded. The weeks and months ahead would certainly be a roller coaster of emotions, but what I had said to Emma was true. We were family. And somehow, someway, we would stand together and survive the grief and other tangled emotions, because Aubrey needed us, and neither Matt nor Ava would have wanted us to become lost in the trauma of losing them. Life could and would go on, and we had to live it.

Jamie

The
area the funeral home provided for the actual service was standing room only as family and friends gathered to pay respects to Matt and Ava.

While the priest spoke, I sat between my mother and Payne, each of them holding my hand, and honestly, I was grateful, because I felt certain an emotional meltdown was imminent, and gods, but I wanted to avoid that. I had to. My mother needed me to be strong, and when it was my turn to speak, I wanted to do Ava and Matt justice. They deserved a proper and loving tribute. I didn’t want to fail them, but I hated public speaking.
Sorry, Ava, you know I suck at this
. Again, I could almost hear her telling me to suck it up already, and I smiled a little, but the smile faded quickly when the priest announced I would like to say a few words.

Drawing in a breath, I stood and glanced at Payne, finding strength in his eyes.

Slowly, I made my way to the front of the overly crowded room, and I looked around at the sea of faces stained with tears and realized the grief I felt was shared by everyone I could see.

“I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly should be said about Ava and Matt, but I realize there isn’t anything I can say about either of them that all of you don’t already know. The fact that you are here tells me you loved my sister and her husband as much as I did. And that’s really a wonderful thing. I can look around this room and see lives Ava and Matt touched. People who adored them. I know all of you will miss them as much as I will, but as cliché as it sounds, they will live on in our hearts, and most of all, they will continue to live on in the… in the beautiful daughter they left behind.” My eyes went to Payne again, and he nodded. “I guess all any of us can hope for is to love and be loved as much as possible and make the most of the time we have in life with the people who truly matter most, and I know Matt and Ava did that. You are all proof of that. I thank all of you for being here today, because I know your love meant the world to my sister and Matt.”

I suppose I should have said more, but I felt I had expressed what was important, and I quietly returned to my seat beside Payne and my mother. Payne instantly captured my hand in his. Just a simple touch from him reassured me, and I squeezed the hand that held mine as one of Matt’s coworkers spoke for a few minutes, and then the priest concluded the service with a prayer. Simple. Reverent. I knew it was exactly what Ava and Matt would have wanted.

The brief but tearful gathering at their gravesites found me crying freely, unable to hold back tears for a moment longer. As the crowd began to dissipate, my father walked my mother back to the car. I nodded at Payne, letting him know I needed a few moments, and he joined my parents.

“I’m so sorry this happened, Ava,” I said softly, hoping wherever they were, she and Matt would hear me. “I am so sorry you and Matt won’t have the life you deserved, with the chance to grow old together and watch your beautiful little girl grow into a remarkable woman. It’s so unfair. But I want you to know, Payne and I will take care of Aubrey. We will love her, and I swear, you will be real for her, because we will keep your memories alive.” I brushed at the falling tears. “I’m gonna miss both of you. But I’ll take care of your daughter and be there for Mom, and maybe Dad really will get his act together once and for all, and if he does, he’ll be there for Aubrey as well.”

I stood there a minute more before I turned and went to the car, and by the time we made it back to my mother’s, the need to cry had faded, leaving me feeling mostly reserved and somber. I knew I would certainly shed more tears in the weeks to come, but for the rest of the afternoon, I found myself more comfortable, talking with friends and family, reminiscing about Ava and Matt. It was actually nice to be able to talk to people who shared the grief I felt. I even had a pleasant—if somewhat stiff—conversation with my father, and it was again obvious to me that he was making an effort. He even asked if he could maybe call and just talk once Payne and I returned to New York, and I assured him that would be perfectly fine, as long as he was comfortable with it.

Payne had already told me that my mother had asked if she could come to New York with us, but I decided I would let her tell my father about her plans on that front.

“We’ll be in town another week.” That much I did share with my father, who seemed curious. “We were able to get time off work. I want to help Mom with cleaning out Ava and Matt’s house, and we need to pack everything for Aubrey.”

Instead of flying, we had decided to rent an SUV and a U-Haul Trailer and drive back with Aubrey, my mother, and the items we needed to take back to New York with us. It would certainly be an adventure. But I thought it might be good for all of us. It would at least provide a chance to unwind. I could only hope my father would understand why my mother needed time away from both him and reminders of the past. She wasn’t rejecting him. She wasn’t rejecting the idea of giving him another chance, but for the first time, she was putting her needs first. Frankly, I respected her decision and her understanding that she couldn’t magically “fix” my father. There were some battles he needed to fight on his own, without depending on others.

Several hours later, while my mother and father spoke in the kitchen, Payne and I went upstairs, where we enjoyed a crash course in feeding and bathing Aubrey before Payne rocked her to sleep while I sat on the floor beside the rocking chair.

“You know, you look like a natural at this parenting thing.” I smiled as Payne glanced at me with a grin, and I knew then being the “responsible parent” would fall to me, because my beloved husband was completely and utterly smitten with the little girl in his arms.

“Well, Aubrey here makes it sort of easy to fall head over heels in love with her, wouldn’t you say?”

“She’s a charmer, no doubt about it.” I rose up on my knees to look at Aubrey, who had drifted off to sleep with one hand tangled in Payne’s shirt. “You know I love this little girl, and I believe we can and will give her a wonderful life, but I… I wish Ava and Matt could have had the life they deserved.”

“I know, baby.”

“The guy that hit them, his name is Mark Parker, and he’s a divorced father with three children.”

“Christ.”

“I hate him for what he did, for getting behind the wheel when he knew better, but at the same time, I feel sorry for his family because he’s going to end up in prison, and three more kids are going to lose their father.”

“True. But Parker’s responsible for his actions. And yeah, it’s sad that his kids will have to suffer, but at least he will still be able to have contact with his kids.”

“And Ava and Matt can’t,” I whispered. “The entire situation is so unfair, and the fact that it could have so easily been avoided makes it even more difficult to accept.”

“All we can do now is move forward.” Payne looked at me again, and I reached for his hand. “If the world were fair, Ava and Matt would be here, and Parker would have thought about his own family before driving when he knew he was drunk, but he made the wrong decision, and Ava and Matt paid the ultimate price. And the people that loved them, we have to learn how to live without them in our lives. It won’t be easy, but we have to do it, because even when our hearts are breaking, life keeps going.”

“And we have to keep going with it.”

“Exactly. Because Aubrey needs us. And we need one another. And at the end of the day, despite whatever pain and loss we suffer, life is worth living.”

I smiled at his wisdom and kissed the hand I held. “You make my life worth living, Mr. Rogan.”

“Back at ya, Mr. Rogan.”

“Come on. Let’s put the little angel in her crib. We still have a lot ahead of us, and I’ve found I can’t fall asleep unless your arms are wrapped around me.”

Payne stood and gently placed Aubrey in the crib, and I followed, carefully arranging the blankets. “Sleep well, little princess. We’ll always be close.” I listened to Payne’s whispered promise, and it made me love him even more.

We left the room, hand in hand, and walked to my childhood bedroom. I was exhausted mentally and emotionally, and physically, I felt drained. As always, however, Payne seemed to know exactly what I needed. Soon, we were naked, curled together under the covers, with my head resting comfortably on his chest while he played his fingers through my hair.

“I love you,” I told him. “So much. And if I hadn’t had you with me, I wouldn’t have made it through the last few days.”

“Jamie—”

“I mean it, Pay. I get my strength from you. And whatever we might face, I know we’ll survive it. I just want you to know, if the unthinkable ever happened, you have been the best thing in my life, and you’ve given my life meaning.”