Mozart: A Life in Letters: A Life in Letters (46 page)

your constant Mozart

Monsieur mon très cher Père,

I hope my last two letters have arrived safely – they were written, I think, on the 11th and 18th – in the meantime, I’ve received your 2 letters of 13th and 20th – the first brought tears of anguish to my eyes – as I was again reminded of the sad demise of my dear departed mother – and it all came flooding back to me; I’m sure that I’ll never forget it as long as I live – you know that at no time in my life had I seen anyone die before, however much I may have wished it – and it had to be my own mother who was the first person I saw die – I dreaded that moment most of all – and I prayed fervently to God for strength – my prayers were answered – I found the strength; – sad as your letter made me, I was beside myself with joy when I heard that you’d taken it all as it should be taken – and that as a result I don’t need to worry about my beloved father and my dearest sister. As soon as I’d finished reading your letter, the first thing I did was fall to my knees and thank our dear Lord with all my heart for this blessing; – I’m now quite calm – because I know that I don’t need to fear for the two people who are dearest to me in the world – this would have been the greatest misfortune for me – and it would undoubtedly have crushed me; – so you must both take care of your health, which is so precious to me – I beg you – and grant to him who flatters himself that he is now the dearest thing in the world to you that happiness and contentment and joy of soon being able to embrace you; – your last letter drew tears of joy from me as it convinced me once and for all of your true fatherly love and concern – I shall strive with all my might to deserve your fatherly love now and evermore – I kiss your hand in the most tender gratitude for sending me the powder – and I’m sure that you’ll be glad to hear that I haven’t needed to use it; – I almost needed to do so once during my late mother’s illness – but now, praise and thanks be to God, I’m hale and hearty again – only occasionally am I overcome by bouts of melancholy – but I can most easily avoid them by writing or receiving letters; this immediately cheers me up again. But, believe
me, there’s always a reason for this. Do you want to know how much I had to pay for your last letter, which included the powder? – 45 sous; – do you want a brief account of her illness and everything else? – and so you shall, but I hope you won’t mind if it’s rather brief and if I describe only the principal events, as the affair is now over and unfortunately can’t be altered – and I need space to write about things that concern our present situation; first, I have to tell you that my late mother
had
to die – no doctor in the world could have saved her this time – for it was manifestly God’s will; her time had come – and God wanted to take her to Him; you think she was bled too late – perhaps; she delayed it a little; but I rather agree with the people here who advised against her being bled and who tried to persuade her to have an enema – but she refused – and I didn’t dare say anything as I don’t understand these things with the result that it would have been my fault if she’d reacted badly to it – if it had been me, I’d have given my consent at once – as it’s very much in vogue here – if someone is feeling at all flushed, they have an enema – and the cause of my mother’s illness was nothing but an internal inflammation, or at least that’s what people thought; I can’t say precisely how much blood was let as it’s measured here not by the ounce but by the plate – they took a little less than 2 platefuls; the surgeon said it was extremely necessary – but it was so terribly hot that day that he didn’t dare take any more; for a few days all went well; but then the diarrhoea started – but no one gave it any further thought as it’s quite common here for strangers who drink a lot of water to get diarrhoea; and it’s true; I had it myself the first few days I was here, but since then I’ve stopped drinking plain water and always mix some wine with it, so that I don’t suffer from it any more; as I can’t manage without drinking plain water, I purify it with ice and drink it
en glace
; I always drink 2 whole glassfuls before going to bed –

But, to continue: on the 19th she complained of a headache – and for the first time she had to spend the whole day in bed – she was up for the last time the previous day, the 18th. On the 20th she complained that she was shivering – and then fever; and so I gave her an antispasmodic powder; all this time I kept wanting to send for a
doctor – but she refused; and when I insisted, she said she’d no confidence in French physicians – and so I looked round for a German doctor – I couldn’t go out of course – meanwhile I waited anxiously for Monsieur Heina, who called on us unfailingly every day – except that on this occasion he had to remain away for 2 days – he finally came, but the doctor was prevented from coming the next day and so we couldn’t get him. As a result he finally came on the 24th–on the previous day, when I’d wished he’d been there, I’d had a great fright as she’d suddenly lost her hearing – the doctor, a German already turned 70, gave her powdered rhubarb mixed with wine – I don’t understand this – it’s usually said that wine makes you hot – but when I said this, they all screamed at me – for heaven’s sake; what’s that you’re saying? Wine doesn’t make you hot – it’s just a restorative; it’s water that makes you hot – and meanwhile the poor patient was longing for a drink of cold water – how gladly I’d have given it to her – dearest father, you can’t imagine what I endured – there was nothing for it, in heaven’s name I had to hand her over to the doctor – all that I could do with a good conscience was to pray to God without ceasing that He would arrange everything for her own good – I felt I was going out of my mind – it would have been an ideal time for composing, but I wouldn’t have been able to write a note; the doctor didn’t come on the 25th – he called again on the 26th; imagine how I felt when he said to me wholly unexpectedly – – ‘I’m afraid that she won’t last the night – if she feels sick on the night-stool she could die at any moment – see to it that she confesses.’ So I ran to the end of the Chaussée d’Antin, well beyond the Barrière, to find Heina, who I knew was at a concert with a certain count – he told me he’d bring a German priest the next day. On my way back I called in for a moment on Grimm and Madame d’Épinay – they were put out that I’d not told them sooner, they’d have sent their own doctor at once – but I’d said nothing to them as my mother didn’t want a French doctor – now, however, I was at my wits’ end – they said they’d send their own doctor that very evening. When I got home, I told my mother that I’d met Monsieur Heina with a German priest who’d heard a lot about me and was eager to hear me play – and they were coming tomorrow to pay me a visit; she was entirely
happy with that; and because I thought she seemed better (although I’m no doctor), I said nothing more – I see that I can’t possibly keep this account short – I like to describe things in detail, and I think you’ll prefer it too – so, as I have more urgent matters to write about, I’ll continue my narrative in my next letter. Meanwhile you know from my recent letters where I am and that all my own and my late mother’s affairs are in order. When I return to this point, I’ll explain how it was all arranged – Heina and I did everything. Clothes, linen, trinkets and all her other belongings I’ll pack up properly and send to Salzburg at the first opportunity; I’ll arrange it all with Herr Gschwendtner.
¹
Now for our own affairs; – but first I must ask you not to worry any further about all that I told you in my letter of the 3rd, in which I begged you not to insist on my revealing my thoughts until the time was right – I ask you again now; I still can’t tell you about it as the time is not yet right and I’d do more harm than good – but let me reassure you that it concerns only
me
; your own circumstances won’t be affected, either for better or worse – and I shall give it no further thought until things have improved for you – but once we’re living together somewhere, happy and contented (and this is my only ambition) – once this happy time comes – and may God grant that it comes soon! – then it will be time and it will depend on you alone; so don’t worry about it for now – and rest assured that in all matters where I know your happiness and contentment are concerned, I shall always place all my trust in you, my dearest father and truest friend; – and I’ll explain everything to you in detail – if I haven’t done so before – I’m not entirely to blame. Monsieur Grimm asked me recently what he should write to my father? – What course did I intend to pursue? – Was I remaining here or going to Mannheim? – I couldn’t stop myself laughing. – What am I supposed to do in Mannheim now? – If only I’d never come to Paris – but seeing that I’m here, I must do everything possible to make my way here – well, he said, I really don’t think that things will work out for you here – why? – I see here a crowd of miserable bunglers, all of whom are able to get on, so why shouldn’t someone as talented as I am be able
to do so? – I assure you that I enjoyed being in Mannheim – and should very much like to be in service there – but only if it brings honour and reputation – I must be certain how I stand before I take a step like that; yes, he said, I’m afraid that you’re not sufficiently active here – you don’t get about enough – yes, I said, that’s been my biggest problem – in any case I’ve not been able to get out recently because of my mother’s long illness – and 2 of my pupils are out in the country – and the third (the daughter of the Duc de Guines) is getting married – and won’t be continuing, although this is no great loss to my honour. I shan’t lose anything as he pays no more than everyone else. Just imagine, the Duc de Guines, where I had to go every day and remain for 2 hours, let me give 24 lessons (although everyone else pays after 12), then went off into the country and came back after 10 days without letting me know – if I’d not enquired out of sheer curiosity, I’d not have known they were here – finally the housekeeper pulled out a purse and said: Forgive me for paying you for only 12 lessons this time, but I don’t have enough money – that’s generosity for you! And she paid me 3 louis d’or, adding: I hope you’ll be satisfied with that – if not, please let me know – so Monsieur le Duc didn’t have a spark of honour and thought: He’s a young man, and a stupid German into the bargain – all Frenchmen say this about the Germans – so he’ll be happy with that – but the stupid German wasn’t happy and didn’t take it – he was trying to get 2 lessons for the price of one – and that from
égard
, because for the past 4 months he’s already had a concerto of mine for flute and harp
²
for which he’s not yet paid – so I’m just waiting till the wedding is over, then I’ll go and see the housekeeper and demand my money. What annoys me most of all here is that these stupid Frenchmen think I’m still seven years old because that’s how old I was when they first saw me – there’s no doubt about it. Madame d’Épinay told me as much in all seriousness – people treat me here as a beginner – except the people from the orchestra – they think differently; but it’s the majority that counts. After this conversation with Grimm I went the next day to see Count Sickingen – he agreed with me entirely –
namely, that I should be patient and wait for Raaff, who’ll do everything he can to help me – if this is no good, Count Sickingen himself has offered to find a post for me in Mainz – this, then, is my prospect at present; – I shall now do everything in my power to get along here by teaching and earn as much money as I can – I’m doing this in the fond hope that my circumstances change very soon, for I can’t deny and, indeed, must admit that I shall be glad to be released from here; giving lessons here is no joke – you really have to wear yourself out; and if you don’t take on a
lot
of pupils, you don’t make much money; you mustn’t think that it’s laziness – no! – it’s because it goes against my genius, against my way of life – you know that I’m completely immersed in music – that I spend all day with it – that I’m fond of thinking about it – studying – contemplating it – well, I’m prevented from doing this by the life that I’m leading here – I shall, of course, keep some hours free, but – I shall need these few hours more for rest than for work – I told you about the opera in my last letter. I can’t help it, I have to write a grand opera or none at all; if I write a short one, I’ll get little for it; everything here is taxed; if it has the misfortune not to please these stupid Frenchmen, that would be it – I’d never get another one to write, – I’d have gained little from it – and my reputation would have suffered – but if I write a grand opera, the pay is better – I’ll be in my element, which I enjoy – I’ll have greater hopes of success, for with a big work you have more chance of doing yourself credit – I assure you that if I’m asked to write an opera, I shan’t be in the least afraid – true, French is the devil’s own language – and I’m fully aware of all the difficulties that all other composers have encountered – but in spite of this I feel as capable as the next person of overcoming this difficulty
– au contraire, each time I imagine that things have worked out with my opera, my whole body seems to be on fire, and I tremble from head to foot with the desire to teach the French to know, appreciate and fear the Germans; why is a grand opera never entrusted to a Frenchman? – Why does it always have to be foreigners? – For me, the most intolerable part of the affair would be the singers – well, I’m ready – I’m not going to get involved in any arguments – but if I’m challenged, I shall know how to defend myself – but if a duel
can be avoided, it would be preferable – I don’t like wrestling with dwarfs. May God grant that a change comes soon! – Meanwhile, I shall not lack industry, effort and hard work; I’m pinning my hopes on next winter, when everyone returns from the country – meanwhile farewell – and continue to love me – my heart leaps at the thought of the happy day when I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and embracing you with all my heart; adieu. I kiss your hands 100,000 times and I embrace my sister as her brother; I am your most obedient son,