Mr Knightley’s Diary (17 page)

Tuesday 1 June

I was dining at the vicarage this evening when I saw something disturbing. Frank Churchill kept catching Jane Fairfax's eye, and I am sure some secret intelligence passed between them. I thought at first that Churchill had switched his affections, but this was not the case, as he went on making love to Emma. I was at a loss as to what it could mean.

Had he said something compromising to Jane Fairfax? Paid her some extravagant compliment? Given her to understand he liked her? That would explain the look of intelligence, but if that was the case, why did he continue to pay attention to Emma? It did not make sense. Nor did it make sense that Jane Fairfax, a young woman of good sense and good principles would be interested in the attentions of a man like Frank Churchill.

Unless women are all fools when it comes to handsome young men?

Nay, I will not believe it. I know it cannot be so. Yet Emma and Jane Fairfax both seem attracted to Mr Weston's son--and he to them.

Saturday 5 June

The weather being warm, I decided to walk up to Hartfield this evening and as I found Emma and Harriet setting out for a walk, I decided to accompany them. We fell in with Mr and Mrs Weston, Mr Churchill, Miss Bates and Miss Fairfax, and as we returned to Hartfield, Emma pressed the whole party to go in to see her father, and to take tea.

We were just turning into the grounds when Perry passed on horseback, and we spoke of his horse.

'By the by,' said Frank Churchill to Mrs Weston, 'what became of Mr Perry's plan of setting up his carriage?'

Mrs Weston disclaimed any knowledge of such a plan, but he insisted she had told him of it.

'Never!' exclaimed Churchill. 'Bless me! how could it be? Then I must have dreamt it.'

Again, I surprised a look between him and Jane Fairfax, and the thought came to me that she had told him of it. But why not say so? Why make a mystery of it?

My conviction that Frank Churchill was guilty of double-dealing became more certain as the evening progressed. He called for some alphabet bricks the boys had left behind, and he and Emma amused themselves by making up words.

'Ah! the poor little boys, how sad they were to leave us,' said Mr Woodhouse in a melancholy voice, seeing the bricks. 'I do wish Isabella would come and live here with us. Poor Isabella!' he sighed.

Under cover of his lamentations, Churchill pushed a collection of letters towards Miss Fairfax. I was watching her at the time, and it seemed to me that she had worked out the conundrum, but that it troubled her, because she blushed slightly and then mixed the bricks in with the others. But she did not mix them well enough. Harriet pounced on them, and reading the word Miss Fairfax had made, cried out: 'Blunder!'

Miss Fairfax flushed a deeper red.

So! Churchill had made a blunder with his comment about Perry's carriage, and the source of the information was indeed Miss Fairfax. Then why not be open about it? The whole thing smacked of duplicity, and worse, it was clear that Miss Fairfax was not an innocent party, but was involved in something she was ashamed of.

Churchill continued unabashed. He made a word for Emma. She smiled, but looked alarmed when he pushed it towards Miss Fairfax, who flushed again. I looked over the letters and was able to make out Dixon.

Dixon! The name of her friend's husband?

What did it mean?

One thing was certain. Churchill was not only behaving in an ungentlemanlike fashion, but he was involving others in his misdeeds, and dragging both Emma and Miss Fairfax down to his own level, involving the former in giving pain and the latter in receiving it.

Miss Fairfax could stand no more. She pushed the letters away angrily, and looked at her aunt, who read her expression and said they must be going.

The Westons and Weston's son, Miss Bates and her niece all departed. When the candles were lit to dispel the gathering gloom, I felt I must say something to Emma, for I feared that Churchill was playing a double game, and transferring his affections to Miss Fairfax. Moreover, that he was using Emma as an unwitting pawn in his game.

I began by speaking of the word he had made out of bricks, asking her how it could be so very entertaining to her, whilst so very distressing to Jane.

She was confused, and told me it was nothing but a joke.

'The joke seemed confined to you and Mr Churchill,' I remarked.

I did not know how much to say, for I did not know whether I was helping her. I had no authority to speak to her, save the authority of an affectionate friend, but I felt I must take the risk of her thinking I was interfering, rather than take the risk of seeing her hurt when a word or two of mine could prevent it.

'My dear Emma,' I asked softly, 'do you think you perfectly understand the degree of acquaintance between the gentleman and lady we have been speaking of?'

'Between Mr Frank Churchill and Miss Fairfax! Oh! yes, perfectly,' she said with assurance.

'Have you never at any time had reason to think that he admired her, or that she admired him?'

'Never, never!' she cried.

I wondered if I should stop there, but having started, thought I should continue: 'I have lately imagined that I saw symptoms of attachment between them; certain expressive looks, which I did not believe were meant to be public.'

Instead of the confusion I had expected, she was amused, assuring me there was no admiration between them: 'That is, I
presume
it to be so on her side, and I can
answer
for its being so on his. I will answer for the gentleman's indifference.'

This was plain speaking. It could not have been plainer. For her to know it so certainly meant her affections were engaged and that there was that perfect confidence between them that can only come between lovers. He must have declared himself, and been met with warmth.

How could I have been such a fool? How could I have been so slow to recognize my feelings for her, and then been so slow to speak? My hesitation had cost me dear. It had cost me Emma. I felt a wave of anguish and said no more.

I returned to the Abbey, but I could not settle to anything. I took up a book but I could not see the words. I looked over my accounts, but my mind was so distracted that I was afraid of touching anything lest I make a mistake.

Is this to be the end of Emma? I asked myself. To be married to a man like that? To spend her time tormenting others--for that is what she was doing this evening--encouraged by her lover? I cannot bear it!

And yet what can I do, except watch her, and love her, and be ready to help her if she needs me?

Wednesday 9 June

I dined with the Coles this evening, and I found the Eltons there. Mrs Elton was lamenting the fact that her sister and her brother-in-law, Mr Suckling, would not be able to visit after all. She had been living in expectation of a visit from them for some time, but it had had to be put off until the autumn.

Mrs Elton was very disappointed. No pleasure trips in the barouche-landau, no dinner parties, no discussion of Maple Grove; for even Mrs Elton seemed tired of talking about a place no one else had seen.

'Why not come with us?' said Weston.

I looked at him in surprise, and his wife did likewise. We had talked of a pleasure trip ourselves, but we had not thought of inviting the Eltons. There is so much parade in their way of doing things that Emma, the Westons and myself had thought to go alone.

But now here was Weston, in an excess of conviviality, inviting the very persons we had been anxious to avoid.

Mrs Elton looked at him enquiringly.

'Miss Woodhouse, Mr Knightley, my wife and myself were intending to go to Box Hill. Now that the Sucklings have disappointed you, you must join our party.'

'The very thing,' said Mrs Elton. 'We do not need the Sucklings in order to arrange a pleasure trip. We can go there again when they visit us in the autumn.'

The weather being fine, a pleasure trip to Box Hill has been arranged. A few days ago, it would have been a great burden to me, but set next to the devastation of knowing that Emma is in love with Frank Churchill, it troubles me very little.

Thursday 10 June

I wanted to tell Emma the news about the party to Box Hill, but when I arrived at Hartfield this morning, I found the Westons had already told her.

'I am glad you approve of what I have done,' he was saying to her as I entered the room.

From Emma's expression, I could see that she did not approve at all. However, she could not say so, without revealing her reason, which was that she did not like Mrs Elton. And as that could not be said, she gave in with a good grace.

'Never mind,' I said to her, once Weston had departed. 'It will be a large party, and you need not talk to Mrs Elton.'

'No,' she agreed. 'I would much rather talk to you instead.'

Perhaps I would have been more heartened by her preference, if I had not known of her thorough dislike of Mrs Elton.

I was encouraged by her lack of enthusiasm for the trip, however. Frank Churchill will certainly be invited, and as she does not seem to be eager for the outing, then perhaps she is not as set on Frank Churchill as I had supposed. Is there still hope for me? The next few days will show me for sure.

Saturday 12 June

A most annoying day. I met Mrs Elton on my way to Hartfield, and I could not avoid talking to her. Her follies put me out of temper, so that by the time I reached Hartfield I was in a bad mood.

'What is the matter?' asked Emma.

'Nothing. Everything.' And before I knew what I was doing, I was telling her all about it.

'I have just seen Mrs Elton. She was telling me that one of her carriage-horses has become lame, and so the trip must be postponed. "Is it not vexatious, Knightley?" she asked me.'

'At least she did not call you Mr K,' said Emma.

'Hah!' I felt my mood lighten a little. 'She bemoaned her fate so volubly that I despaired of ever getting away from her, and so, in an effort to divert her thoughts, I said, humorously, that she must come to Donwell to visit my strawberry-beds.'

'She did not agree!' said Emma.

'She did!' I began to laugh. 'She said she should like it of all things. I could not believe she wanted an outing to my strawberry-beds!'

'She wanted an outing to Donwell Abbey, rather,' said Emma.

'And she has achieved her goal,' I said ruefully.

'If the carriage-horse recovers in time, she can arrive in state.'

'No, she has already decided on her mode of transport. She has decided she is going to arrive on a donkey.'

'A donkey?' asked Emma in astonishment.

'You are to say nothing,' I warned her, feeling the laughter welling up in me again. 'She wants everyone to come on a donkey: Miss Fairfax, Miss Bates...'

'And Mr Elton?'

'No. Her
caro sposo
is going to walk beside her.'

'I think it an excellent plan,' she said gravely. 'We must all have donkeys. I am sure Miss Bates would enjoy the experience, and Mrs Goddard would look very well in the saddle--if, indeed, donkeys wear saddles. I mean to purchase a donkey this afternoon, and I hope I may not disgrace you by my seat when you walk next to me, Mr K.'

'Oh, Emma!' I said. 'Don't...'
marry Churchill, marry me
, I was going to say. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but at that moment, Harriet walked into the room.

I had never been so dismayed to see her in my life.

'I have found the silk you asked for--oh, Mr Knightley,' she said.

I believe she knew she had interrupted something important, for she blushed.

'Thank you, Harriet. Mr Knightley has come with excellent news. We are to spend a day at Donwell Abbey, picking strawberries.'

'Oh, that will be lovely,' said Harriet, her eyes shining as she looked at me.

I was even more sure that she suspected my secret, for her shining eyes indicated that she expected me to propose to Emma at the Abbey.

Before she could say anything further, Mr Woodhouse joined us, and Emma turned to him solicitously.

'Is Perry not with you?'

'No, my dear, he has had to go on his rounds. He is very busy. I am not surprised. His advice is sought everywhere.'

'What did he say to you?' she asked.

'He was very pleased. There has been some improvement since the last time he saw me. He congratulated me, and told me that my diet played a large part in my constitution. If only I could persuade you to eat more gruel, I am sure you would be better for it,' he said.

'I believe I will join you in a bowl tonight. But what do you think? We have a treat in store. Mr Knightley has invited us to the Abbey,' she said.

'Ah, Mr Knightley, I am a sad invalid,' he said, shaking his head as though I had invited him to his own funeral.

'But there has been some improvement, Perry said so, and it is not so very far to the Abbey,' Emma said. 'Mr Knightley will do everything he can to make you comfortable.'

I added my pleas, and at last he said he would venture out. Emma was very pleased, as he has not been to the Abbey in two years, and I was pleased to have given her pleasure.

Mr and Mrs Weston arrived shortly afterwards, and accepted an invitation to join us. Weston said he would invite Frank for me, and it was impossible for me to refuse his offer, but I consoled myself with the thought that his son might not come.

We settled on the twenty-fourth for the visit. It cannot be sooner, for I will have things to arrange. Mr Woodhouse's comfort must be provided for, and the Abbey must be made ready for guests.

Monday 14 June

I called at Hartfield this morning, hoping to speak to Emma, but she had gone out. I walked into Highbury on business and called on Miss Bates. I was hoping to see Emma, but although she had called, she was no longer there. I listened to Miss Bates's chatter with half a mind.

Longridge has chosen a house at last, it seems. He has settled on Southdean, the house of which Miss Bates herself is particularly fond. It has a large garden, with a stream, well-proportioned rooms, and comfortable servants' quarters. I think he will be an addition to Highbury society.