Mr. Louie Is Screwy! (4 page)

It had to be a joke. Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky couldn't be getting married!

But it was true. Miss Daisy told us that Mr. Macky had been her boyfriend for a long time, but they kept it secret. Then, at Klutzstock, he got down on one knee and proposed to her.

Miss Daisy showed us her engagement ring.

“It's beautiful!” said all the girls.

Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky were going to get married on Sunday, and our whole class was invited to the wedding! Mr. Louie, who used to be a judge, was going to marry them in a church.

Well, the girls got all super-girly—even girlier than usual. They were all hugging Miss Daisy and giggling and crying and saying how happy they were.

“Is your new name going to be Mrs. Macky?” asked Andrea.

“How about Mrs. Dacky or Mrs. Maisy?” asked Ryan.

“Gee, I don't know,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn't know anything. “Maybe I'll hyphenate my name.”

“Once they had to hyphenate me at a Pee Wee football game,” I said. “I almost passed out. But then they gave me something to drink and I was okay.”

“That's ‘hydrate,' dumbhead,” Andrea told me. “‘Hyphenate' means to put a dash between two words.”

“I knew that,” I lied.

Mr. Macky and Miss Daisy were all lovey-dovey, making goo-goo eyes at each other. The girls started planning the wedding. They were talking about what they were going to wear, what presents they should bring, and who Miss Daisy
and Mr. Macky's children would look like.

I pulled the guys over to the other side of the room. We huddled like a football team.

“This is horrible,” I told them. “This is the worst day in the history of the world.”

“What's the big deal, A.J.?” asked Michael. “People get married all the time.”

“Yeah, but Mr. Macky and Miss Daisy aren't in love,” I told him. “He only asked her to marry him because of the love potion Mr. Louie put in the water fountain.”

“I think it's nice that Miss Daisy is going to get married,” said Neil the nude kid.

“Don't you get it?” I told Neil. “Miss Daisy is the perfect teacher. She can't read, write, or do math. But if she gets married, she might have a baby and quit working. Then we'll get a real teacher!”

“A.J.'s right!” Ryan said. “A real teacher will force us to learn stuff.”

“That would be horrible!” agreed Michael.

“So what can we do about it?” asked Neil.

There was only one thing to do.

“We have to stop the wedding,” I told them.

Did you ever hear the word “sabotage”? It's a great word. “Sabotage” is a fancy way to say “mess stuff up.” I'm really good at messing stuff up.

I learned about sabotage from a spy movie. These good guys blew up a truck to sabotage some bad guys. It was cool.
*

But how do you sabotage a wedding? Blowing up a truck would probably not be a good idea.

“Maybe we can leave a trail of bonbons leading away from the church,” suggested Ryan. “Then Miss Daisy will follow the trail and miss her own wedding.”

“She's dumb,” Michael said, “but she's not that dumb.”

“We have to convince her that she shouldn't marry Mr. Macky,” I told the guys.

“How can we do that?” asked Neil the nude kid. “Andrea and the other girls will mess everything up.”

Neil was right. If we tried to convince
Miss Daisy not to marry Mr. Macky, the girls were sure to sabotage our plan.

But then I remembered something. In the morning, all the girls were going to the nurse's office to be weighed and measured with Mrs. Cooney. It would be our big chance!

The next morning I waited until the girls left before telling Miss Daisy we had a wedding present for her.

“I love presents!” she said.

I went to my cubby and got out my old skateboard. I had put a ribbon around it to make it look better.

“There's gum in the wheels so they don't spin very fast anymore,” I told her.
“But we wanted you to have it.”

“Oh, thank you, A.J.!” Miss Daisy said as she gave me a hug. “That is so thoughtful!”

“We're really happy that you and Mr. Macky are getting married,” I lied.

“Yeah, we think it's great,” said Ryan.

“I'm glad to hear you boys say that,” Miss Daisy said.

“It's nice that you fell in love with Mr. Macky,” I told her, “even though he's…uh…different.”

“Different?” Miss Daisy asked. “What's different about him?”

“Well, did you know that Mr. Macky has six toes?” I asked her.

“Really? I didn't know that,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn't know anything.

“Yup, six toes on each foot,” I said.

“And they're webbed,” added Michael.

“Like a duck.”

“Well, nobody's perfect,” Miss Daisy said.

Hmmmm. It didn't seem to bother Miss Daisy that she
was marrying a guy with webbed feet. I would have to try something else.

“You know, I was in the post office yesterday with my mom,” I told her, “and guess whose picture was on the wall? Mr. Macky's!”

“Is that so?” said Miss Daisy.

“Yeah,” I told her. “Did you know he robbed a bank in Texas?”

“I didn't know that,” Miss Daisy said.

“I hear he's wanted for a string of armed robberies in Oklahoma, too,” said Neil the nude kid.

“Oh, dear!” exclaimed Miss Daisy.

“He's not even a real reading teacher,” Michael said. “He kidnapped our reading
teacher and is holding him for ransom. That happens all the time, y'know.”

“My word!” said Miss Daisy.

“I heard that he snores, too,” I mentioned. “It's like sleeping in the same room with a moose.”

“Hmmmmm,” said Miss Daisy.

It was working like a charm! You could tell Miss Daisy was thinking things over. Maybe she would change her mind about
marrying Mr. Macky.

Speaking of which, guess who came in at that very moment? Mr. Macky! He kissed Miss Daisy and told her she could hang out in the Reading Recovery Room while he did a lesson with us.

Perfect! Now we could work on him.

“We wanted to tell you how happy we are for you and Miss Daisy,” I told Mr. Macky.

“Yeah, we think it's great that you're getting married,” said Ryan.

“I'm glad I have your support, boys,” Mr. Macky said. “Let's open our reading books to page twenty-three.”

“Yeah, it's nice that you fell in love with
Miss Daisy,” I told him, “even though she's…uh…different.”

“What's different about her?” he asked.

“Well, for one thing, she's addicted to bonbons,” I told him.

“So am I!” said Mr. Macky. “Miss Daisy and I have a lot in common. Let's turn to page twenty-three.”

“Do you eat your own boogers, too?” asked Ryan. “That's what Miss Daisy does.”

“Really?” said Mr. Macky. “That's great! If she eats her own boogers, we won't have to do much grocery shopping! Page twenty-three, please.”

“She doesn't eat her own boogers,”
Michael said. “She blows her nose into the garbage can!”

“Terrific!” said Mr. Macky. “We'll save money on tissues. Let's turn to page twenty-three.”

Mr. Macky is wacky!

“Did you know that Miss Daisy likes burning ants with a magnifying glass for the fun of it?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“Yes!” Mr. Macky replied. “That's what we did on our first date. Page twenty-three.”

Our sabotage plan was totally not working with Mr. Macky. It was time to use the one weapon that I knew would work for sure. Mr. Macky is a reading teacher. He loves reading more than anything else.

“Did you know that Miss Daisy doesn't know how to read?” I asked. “Do you really want to marry a dumbhead?”

“Yes!” Mr. Macky said. “That's why I asked her to marry me. I've been searching for years to find a woman who would let me read to her.”

I slapped my forehead. It was useless! There was no way to convince Mr. Macky not to marry Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy came back to class and Mr. Macky whispered something in her ear.

“We're glad you boys are concerned about us,” Mr. Macky said, “but Miss Daisy and I are in love. We hope we'll see you at the church on Sunday.”

Then they started smooching again. Ugh! Disgusting!

We were all depressed. On the way home, we told Mr. Louie that our plan to sabotage the wedding failed.

“You can't stop love,” Mr. Louie said. “It's like I told you, dudes. Love is stronger than hate. Love is the most powerful thing in the world.”

That's when I got a genius idea. In fact,
I got two genius ideas!

But I'm not going to tell you what they are.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

Okay, here's genius idea #1: Me and the guys would hold a protest rally in front of the church and stop the wedding.

Mr. Louie had told us that back in the Sixties, kids were always protesting stuff. He said if you didn't like something, you could protest and change the world. I
didn't like Miss Daisy getting married, so the best way to stop it would be to protest.

On the morning of the wedding, my mom said I had to wear a jacket and tie. What's up with that? Why do men have to wear a dumb cloth around their neck? Whoever thought up that idea should get the Nobrain Prize. That's a prize they give to people who don't have brains.

I went to the church with my parents. Michael, Ryan, and Neil the nude kid were waiting out front. I told my parents to go inside and I would meet them in there.

“Okay, let's do this!” I told the guys.

The four of us formed a line and
started marching back and forth in front of the church.

“DOWN WITH LOVE!” I chanted. “LOVE STINKS!”

“NO MORE KISSING!” Ryan chanted. “KISSING SPREADS GERMS!”

“STOP THE WEDDING!” Michael chanted.

“GIRLS HAVE COOTIES!” chanted Neil the nude kid.

We were hoping other boys would join our protest, but nobody did. It was just the four of us marching back and forth. That's when Mr. Louie came out of the church. He was wearing a black robe.

“What up, dudes?” he asked.

“We're protesting against the wedding,” I told him. “You said if somebody doesn't like something, they should protest.”

“Protesting against love is a bummer,” Mr. Louie told us. “Come inside and sit down.”

So much for genius idea #1. It was time to try genius idea #2.

Me and the guys went in the church and sat down together.
*
I had been to one wedding before. It was at our school, when Mr. Klutz married a pig. But I don't think that was a real wedding, because Mr. Klutz was already married to a human being named Mrs. Klutz.

Mr. Louie stood at the front of the church. All our teachers were there. Mr. Klutz brought his wife (who wasn't a pig). Mrs. Cooney was there with some guy named Mr. Cooney. I hate him.

“Is it time?” Ryan whispered to me.

“Not yet.”

My tie was choking me and I was really thirsty. But there was no way I was gonna drink from the water fountain. Mr. Louie probably put his love potion in that one too.

There was no time to get a drink anyway, because some lady started playing that “Here Comes the Bride” song on the organ. Miss Daisy came from the back of the church and walked down the aisle with some old guy. She looked really pretty in her wedding dress.

Then Mr. Macky walked across the aisle and stood next to Miss Daisy.

“Is it time?” Michael whispered.

“Almost.”

“Dearly beloved,” Mr. Louie announced, “we are gathered here together to join this groovy couple in holy matrimony.”

It was time.

“Okay, now!” I whispered to the guys.

This was my genius idea: we were
going to levitate Mr. Louie. If we could make him float up in the air and out of the church, he wouldn't be able to perform the wedding ceremony. Me, Ryan, Michael, and Neil the nude kid all closed our eyes and tried to levitate Mr. Louie.

“It's not working!” Ryan said.

“Close your eyes!” I told him. “It doesn't work unless your eyes are closed!”

This was a problem. With my eyes closed, I couldn't tell if Mr. Louie was levitating. And I couldn't levitate him with my eyes open.

“Is he floating?” asked Michael.

“I don't think so,” Neil said.

“We need more love!” I told them.

We kept trying to levitate Mr. Louie for a long time. I concentrated so hard that my brain hurt. When I opened my eyes, Mr. Louie wasn't at the front of the church anymore. Maybe it had worked. Maybe he had floated away!

But then I saw him. He was coming over to us!

“Dudes,” he said, “what are you doing?”

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I had to think fast.

“Uh, we're just grooving on the love vibes,” I told him.

“I can dig that,” Mr. Louie said. “Gimme some skin.”

We all slapped Mr. Louie's hand, and he
returned to the front of the church to continue the ceremony.

“That levitation thing didn't work at all,” Ryan whispered in my ear. “Do you have any other genius ideas?”

“No, I'm out.”

Oh, well. We tried our best. There was nothing I could do now. It was out of my hands. Mr. Louie said a bunch of lovey-dovey stuff about Mr. Macky and Miss Daisy. He told everyone how they met in the teachers' lounge and fell in love.

“Do you, Mr. Macky, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Mr. Louie asked.

“I do.”

“Do you, Miss Daisy, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“Is there anybody here who knows why these lovebirds should not be united in wedded grooviness?” asked Mr. Louie. “Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Neil. Then they all looked at me. You could hear a pin drop.

“Stop the wedding!” I shouted, standing up.

Now everybody in the church was looking at me.

“A.J.!” shouted my mother.

“Mr. Macky and Miss Daisy are not in
love!” I yelled. “They just think they are. He only asked her to marry him because Mr. Louie put love potion in the water fountain at school!”

Everybody gasped.

“That's the craziest thing I ever heard,” said Mr. Klutz. “Is this true?”

“I was just jiving you, A.J.,” Mr. Louie said. “There's no such thing as love potion.”

“There isn't?” I asked. “What about levitating the school? Were you jiving about that too?”

“Yeah, I was just yanking your chain, A.J. Don't flip your wig.”

I sat down.

This was terrible! Do you realize what this means? If there was no love potion in the water, it means I kissed Andrea…because I
wanted
to! It means the Love
Machine must have been right when it said I loved Andrea!

I love Andrea!

Ewwwwww! Disgusting!

I thought I was gonna die. Now I would really have to run away to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” Mr. Louie said. “Dude, you may kiss the bride.”

Mr. Macky and Miss Daisy kissed. It was gross, but nice, too. It was a real Kodak moment.