Mr Midshipman Easy (23 page)

“Are you aware, Mr Gascoigne, of the properties of an equilateral triangle?”

“Yes,” replied the midshipman, “that it has three equal sides—but what the devil has that to do with the duel?”

“Everything, Mr Gascoigne,” replied the gunner; “it has resolved the great difficulty: indeed, the duel between three can only be fought upon that principle. You observe,” said the gunner, taking a piece of chalk out of his pocket, and making a triangle on the table, “in this figure we have three points, each equidistant from each other: and we have three combatants— so that, placing one at each point, it is all fair play for the three: Mr Easy, for instance, stands here, the boatswain here, and the purser's steward at the third corner. Now, if the distance is fairly measured, it will be all right.”

“But then,” replied Gascoigne, delighted at the idea, “how are they to fire?”

“It certainly is not of much consequence,” replied the gunner, “but still, as sailors, it appears to me that they should fire with the sun; that is, Mr Easy fires at Mr Biggs, Mr Biggs fires at Mr Easthupp, and Mr Easthupp fires at Mr Easy; so that you perceive that each party has his shot at one, and at the same time receives the fire of another.”

Gascoigne was in ecstacies at the novelty of the proceeding, the more so as he perceived that Easy obtained every advantage by the arrangement. “Upon my word, Mr Tallboys, I give you great credit; you have a profound mathematical head, and I am delighted with your arrangement. Of course, in these affairs, the principals are bound to comply with the arrangements of the seconds, and I shall insist upon Mr Easy consenting to your excellent and scientific proposal.”

Gascoigne went out, and pulling Jack away from the monkey, told him what the gunner had proposed, at which Jack laughed heartily.

The gunner also explained it to the boatswain, who did not very well comprehend, but replied—

“I dare say it's all right—shot for shot, and d——n all favours.”

The parties then repaired to the spot with two pairs of ship's pistols, which Mr Tallboys had smuggled on shore; and, as soon as they were on the ground, the gunner called Mr Easthupp out of the cooperage. In the meantime, Gascoigne had been measuring an equilateral triangle of twelve paces—and marked it out. Mr Tallboys, on his return with the purser's steward, went over the ground, and finding that it was “equal angles subtended by equal sides,” declared that it was all right. Easy took his station, the boatswain was put into his, and Mr Easthupp who was quite in a mystery, was led by the gunner to the third position.

“But, Mr Tallboys,” said the purser's steward, “I don't understand this. Mr Easy will first fight Mr Biggs, will he not?”

“No,” replied the gunner, “this is a duel of three. You will fire at Mr Easy, Mr Easy will fire at Mr Biggs, and Mr Biggs will fire at you. It is all arranged, Mr Easthupp.”

“But,” said Mr Easthupp, “I do not understand it. Why is Mr Biggs to fire at me? I have no quarrel with Mr Biggs.”

“Because Mr Easy fires at Mr Biggs, and Mr Biggs must have his shot as well.”

“If you have ever been in the company of gentlemen, Mr Easthupp,” observed Gascoigne, “you must know something about duelling.”

“Yes, yes, I've kept the best company, Mr Gascoigne, and I can give a gentleman satisfaction; but—”

“Then, sir, if that is the case, you must know that your honour is in the hands of your second, and that no gentleman appeals.”

“Yes, yes, I know that, Mr Gascoigne; but still I've no quarrel with Mr Biggs, and therefore, Mr Biggs, of course you will not aim at me.”

“Why you don't think that I am going to be fired at for nothing,” replied the boatswain; “no, no, I'll have my shot anyhow.” “But at your friend, Mr Biggs?”

“All the same, I shall fire at somebody; shot for shot, and hit the luckiest.”

“Vel, gentlemen, I purtest against these proceedings,” replied Mr Easthupp; “I came here to have satisfaction from Mr Easy, and not to be fired at by Mr Biggs.”

“Don't you have satisfaction when you fire at Mr Easy?” replied the gunner; “what more would you have?”

“I purtest against Mr Biggs firing at me.”

“So you would have a shot without receiving one,” cried Gascoigne: “the fact is that this fellow's a confounded coward, and ought to be kicked into the cooperage again.”

At this affront Mr Easthupp rallied, and accepted the pistol offered by the gunner.

“You ear those words, Mr Biggs; pretty language to use to a gentleman. You shall ear from me, sir, as soon as the ship is paid off. I purtest no longer, Mr Tallboys; death before dishonour. I'm a gentleman, damme!”

At all events, the swell was not a very courageous gentleman, for he trembled most exceedingly as he pointed his pistol.

The gunner gave the word, as if he were exercising the great guns on board ship.

“Cock your locks!”—“Take good aim at the object!” “Fire!”—“Stop your vents!”

The only one of the combatants who appeared to comply with the latter supplementary order was Mr Easthupp, who clapped his hand to his trousers behind, gave a loud yell, and then dropped down; the bullet having passed clean through his seat of honour, from his having presented his broadside as a target to the boatswain as he faced towards our hero. Jack's shot had also taken effect, having passed through both the boatswain's cheeks, without further mischief than extracting two of his best upper double teeth, and forcing through the hole of the further cheek the boatswain's own quid of tobacco. As for Mr Easthupp's ball, as he was very unsettled, and shut his eyes before he fired, it had gone the Lord knows where.

The purser's steward lay on the ground and screamed—the boatswain spit his double teeth and two or three mouthfuls of blood out, and then threw down his pistols in a rage.

“A pretty business, by God,” sputtered he; “he's put my pipe out. How the devil am I to pipe to dinner when I'm ordered, all my wind 'scaping through the cheeks?”

In the meantime, the others had gone to the assistance of the purser's steward, who continued his vociferations. They examined him, and considered a wound in that part not to be dangerous.

“Hold your confounded bawling,” cried the gunner, “or you'll have the guard down here: you're not hurt.”

“Han't hi?” roared the steward: “Oh, let me die, let me die; don't move me!”

“Nonsense,” cried the gunner, “you must get up and walk down to the boat; if you don't we'll leave you—hold your tongue, confound you. You won't? then I'll give you something to halloo for.”

Whereupon Mr Tallboys commenced cuffing the poor wretch right and left, who received so many swinging boxes of the ear that he was soon reduced to merely pitiful plaints of “Oh, dear!—such inhumanity—I purtest— oh dear! must I get up? I can't, indeed.”

“I do not think he can move, Mr Tallboys,” said Gascoigne; “I should think the best plan would be to call up two of the men from the cooperage, and let them take him at once to the hospital.”

The gunner went down to the cooperage to call the men. Mr Biggs, who had bound up his face as if he had a toothache, for the bleeding had been very slight, came up to the purser's steward.

“What the hell are you making such a howling about? Look at me, with two shot-holes through my figure head, while you have only got one in your stern: I wish I could change with you, by heavens, for I could use my whistle then—now if I attempt to pipe, there will be such a wasteful expenditure of his Majesty's stores of wind, that I never shall get out a note. A wicked shot of yours, Mr Easy.”

“I really am very sorry,” replied Jack, with a polite bow, “and I beg to offer my best apology.”

During this conversation, the purser's steward felt very faint, and thought he was going to die.

“Oh dear! oh dear! what a fool I was; I never was a gentleman—only a swell: I shall die; I never will pick a pocket again—never—never—God forgive me!”

“Why, confound the fellow,” cried Gascoigne, “so you were a pickpocket, were you?”

“I never will again,” replied the fellow in a faint voice. “Hi'll hamend and lead a good life—a drop of water—oh!
lagged
at last!”

Then the poor wretch fainted away: and Mr Tallboys coming up with the men, he was taken on their shoulders and walked off to the hospital, attended by the gunner and also the boatswain, who thought he might as well have a little medical advice before he went on board.

“Well, Easy,” said Gascoigne, collecting the pistols and tying them up in his handkerchief, “I'll be shot but we're in a pretty scrape; there's no hushing this up. I'll be hanged if I care, it's the best piece of fun I ever met with.” And at the remembrance of it Gascoigne laughed till the tears ran down his cheeks. Jack's mirth was not quite so excessive, as he was afraid that the purser's steward was severely hurt, and expressed his fears.

“At all events, you did not hit him,” replied Gascoigne; “all you have to answer for is the boatswain's mug,—I think you've stopped his jaw for the future.”

“I'm afraid that our leave will be stopped for the future,” replied Jack.

“That we may take our oaths of,” replied Gascoigne.

Then look you, Ned,” said Easy; “I've lots of dollars—we may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, as the saying is, I vote that we do not go on board.”

“Sawbridge will send and fetch us,” replied Ned; “but he must find us first.”

“That won't take long, for the soldiers will soon have our description and rout us out. We shall be pinned in a couple of days.”

“Confound it, and they say that the ship is to be hove down, and that we shall be here six weeks at least, cooped up on board in a broiling sun, and nothing to do but to watch the pilot fish playing round the rudder and munch bad apricots. I won't go on board. Look ye, Jack,” said Gascoigne, “have you plenty of money?”

“I have twenty doubloons, besides dollars,” replied Jack.

“Well, then, we will pretend to be so much alarmed at the result of this duel that we dare not show ourselves lest we should be hung. I will write a note and send it to Jolliffe, to say that we have hid ourselves until the affair is blown over, and beg him to intercede with the captain and first lieutenant. I will tell him all the particulars, and refer to the gunner for the truth of it; and then I know that, although we should be punished, they will only laugh. But I will pretend that Easthupp is killed, and we are frightened out of our lives. That will be it, and then let's set on board one of the speronares which come with fruit from Sicily, sail in the night for Palermo, and then we'll have a cruise for a fortnight, and when the money is all gone we'll come back.”

“That's a capital idea, Ned, and the sooner we do it the better. I will write to the captain, begging him to get me off from being hung, and telling him where we have fled to, and that letter shall be given after we have sailed.”

They were two very nice lads—our hero and Gascoigne.

GASCOIGNE and our hero were neither of them in uniform, and they hastened to Nix Mangare stairs, where they soon picked up the padrone of a speronare. They went with him into a wine shop, and with the assistance of a little English from a Maltese boy, whose shirt hung out of his trousers, they made a bargain, by which it was agreed that, for the consideration of two doubloons, he would sail that evening and land them at Gergenti or some other town in Sicily, providing them with something to eat and gregos to sleep upon.

Our two midshipmen then went back to the tavern from which they had set off to fight the duel, and ordering a good dinner to be served in a back room, they amused themselves with killing flies, as they talked over the events of the day and waited for their dinner.

As Mr Tallboys did not himself think proper to go on board till the evening, and Mr Biggs also wished it to be dark before he went up the ship's side, the events of the duel did not transpire till the next morning. Even then it was not known from the boatswain or gunner, but by a hospital mate coming on board to inform the surgeon that there was one of their men wounded under their charge, but that he was doing very well.

Mr Biggs had ascended the side with his face bound up.

“Confound that Jack Easy,” said he, “I have only been on leave twice since I sailed from Portsmouth. Once I was obliged to come up the side without my trousers, and show my bare stern to the whole ship's company, and now I am coming up, and dare not show my figure-head.” He reported himself to the officer of the watch, and hastening to his cabin went to bed and lay the whole night awake from pain, thinking what excuse he could possibly make for not coming on deck next morning to his duty.

He was, however, saved this trouble, for Mr Jolliffe brought the letter of Gascoigne up to Mr Sawbridge, and the captain had received that of our hero.

Captain Wilson came on board and found that Mr Sawbridge could communicate all the particulars of which he had not been acquainted by Jack; and after they had read over Gascoigne's letter in the cabin, and interrogated Mr Tallboys, who was sent down under an arrest, they gave free vent to their mirth.

“Upon my soul, there's no end to Mr Easy's adventures,” said the captain. “I could laugh at the duel, for after all it is nothing—and he would have been let off with a severe reprimand. But the foolish boys have set off in a speronare to Sicily, and how the devil are we to get them back again?”

“They'll come back, sir,” replied Sawbridge, “when all their money's gone.”

“Yes, if they do not get into any more scrapes. That young scamp Gascoigne is as bad as Easy, and now they are together there's no saying what may happen. I dine at the governor's to-day; how he will laugh when I tell him of this new way of fighting a duel!”