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First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First Printing, July 2007

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA
Goldberg, Lee, 1962-
Mr. Monk and the two assistants/Lee Goldberg.
p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-436-23696-6

1. Private investigators—Fiction. 2. Eccentrics and eccentricities—Fiction. 3. Psychics—Fiction. I. Monk (Television program) II. Title. III. Title: Mr. Monk and the two assistants.

PS3557.O3577M725 2007
813’.54—dc22 2006102819

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

http://us.penguingroup.com

To Valerie and Madison, who keep me (relatively) sane

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS AND AUTHOR’S NOTE

I would like to thank Dr. D. P. Lyle, William Rabkin, Pat Tierney, Sarah Bewley, Ivan Van Laningham, Rhys Bowen, Bob Morris, William Tapply, Carol Schmidt, Peggy Burdick, Mark Murphy, Annette Mahon, Mary Ellen Hughes, Alex Brett, Jack Quick, Robert Thompson and Anne Tomlin for their technical assistance on a variety of murderous topics. Any mistakes or factual liberties are my fault and not theirs, though I suppose they could be accused of aiding and abetting my crimes.

Special thanks to Kerry Donovan, Gina Maccoby, Stefanie Preston and most of all Andy Breckman, the creator of Adrian Monk, for their incredible support and encouragement.

While I try as best I can to stay true to the continuity of the TV series, it’s not always possible, given the long lead time between when my books are written and when they are published. During that period, new episodes may air that contradict details or situations referred to in my books. If you come across any such continuity mismatches, your understanding is appreciated.

I would love to hear from you. Stop by
www.leegoldberg.comand
say hello. Remember to floss twenty times daily.

CHAPTER ONE

Mr. Monk Gets His Kicks

M
y name is Natalie Teeger. I’m an honest-to-goodness soccer mom and proud of it. My twelve-year-old daughter, Julie, plays defense on the Slammers in the all-girl league. The kids get together at Dolores Park for practices on Saturdays and games on Sundays.

On this particular Sunday, my boss, Adrian Monk, the legendary detective, was with us at the game. He was too restless to stay at home. For the past couple days, he’d been investigating the brutal beating death of the reviled E. L. Lancaster, who ran the mortgage division of a San Francisco bank.

Lancaster was disliked by just about everyone he’d ever met. He’d even foreclosed on his parents’ home when his father, slipping into senility, missed a couple mortgage payments.

I’m not kidding. Lancaster was that lovable.

The only clue Monk had to work with was a confusing cluster of overlapping bloody footprints belonging to the murderer.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer’s theory on the footprints was that the victim must have delivered a blow in self-defense that left his attacker reeling and dizzy.

Lieutenant Randy Disher, the captain’s right-hand man, was checking area hospitals for anyone who might have come in with a head wound.

I’ve seen Monk solve a homicide within a few minutes of arriving at the crime scene. But this case had too many suspects and too few clues. The investigation was making Monk even more nuts than usual.

Monk’s basic problem is that he’s obsessed with imposing order on a world that is, by nature, disordered. It’s a problem he’s never going to solve. But he’s not alone in his futile pursuit. We’ve all got the same problem, only not to his degree.

Look at me, for example. My job is to make Monk’s life as orderly as possible so he can focus on bringing order to disorder, which is the method he uses to solve murders, which is how he makes a living, which is how he’s able to pay me.

When I’m not with Monk, I’m trying to maintain some kind of order in my own life and to create a consistent, safe and nurturing environment for my daughter.

So I scramble to pay the bills, to do the laundry, to keep the house clean, to get Julie to school on time, to make sure she gets all her work done, to coordinate all her activities, playdates, to— Well, you get the point, because you’re probably doing it, too.

I can never get ahead of it all. I can never get everything under control. And I never will. I know that, but I keep trying to anyway.

That’s Monk, too.

But I don’t obsess about my failure to get my life under control.

And because I’m unlike Monk, the act of trying to put things in order doesn’t give me a unique perspective on the world around me—one that allows me to see things that others don’t and solve complex mysteries.

I’ve learned to accept that there’s always going to be chaos, that things can never, ever be brought under control and that it’s the unpredictable, disorderly, uncontrollable nature of things that
is
life.

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