Mrs. Fry's Diary (13 page)

28 Thursday

U
sual quiet night in, in front of the telly. I say usual - actually it was nothing of the kind. Stephen made me a cup of tea. Extraordinary.

29 Friday

Caught Brangelina crayoning on the walls again so I've had to put her on the naughty step. I told her she can stay there until her father gets home. There isn't enough room for both of them.

30 Saturday

Stephen made me breakfast in bed this morning. I hope he's not sickening for something.

31 Sunday

Finally discovered the reason for Stephen's unusually considerate recent behaviour towards me. Apparently, he found the books I bought Viennetta and assumed, perhaps unsurprisingly, that it was I who was pregnant. Obviously, I had no choice but to tell him the truth. For a minute he appeared quite relieved. Then briefly, disappointed. Then relieved again. Of course, once it really sank in he insisted on a paternity test but I assured him he definitely is Viennetta's father.

August

1 Monday

Put Brangelina's latest painting on the fridge this morning. I like to keep them there. It helps with my diet.

2 Tuesday

The kids' school photographs finally arrived today. It's hard not to get emotional when I compare them to the beautiful pictures I keep in their baby photo book. Still, that second album is always tricky.

3 Wednesday

Honestly, since the kids have been on holiday, they've done nothing but sit around all day watching the cartoon channel. Today there's a back-to-back marathon of their favourite show,
Shock and Awww!
According to the TV guide, it features the 'hilarious adventures of a 2,000-volt electric eel and his loveable bunny pals'. Apparently, today's episodes cover loveable bunny pals one to 35.

4 Thursday

Oh dear. I just spotted another grey hair. That's the last time we order chicken from NanDoes - and it was wrapped right round my mini corn-cobette.

5 Friday

Went to the gym for the final weigh-in this evening. Thanks to my dedication, Stephen has reached his holiday target with ease, as have I. Although only after I was forced to remove my hat, revealing the bar of chocolate and slice of bacon beneath. I was mortified, but Stephen just grinned at me. I shouldn't have been surprised. He's always liked a woman with a bit of meat on her.

6 Saturday

Ordered our holiday clothes today from BuyCurious. It's a website where you bid against other customers for mystery items. You can pick up some real bargains if you're prepared to take a chance. Last year, I managed to get two pairs of Bermuda shorts, half a dozen T-shirts and a David Hasselhoff toothbrush holder for under PS10.

7 Sunday

Goodness, what a heatwave we're having! As usual, Stephen's wandering around everywhere wearing a knotted handkerchief. Really, it's so embarrassing. It wouldn't be quite so bad if it were on his head.

8 Monday

Stephen and I were forced to ring the council this morning. This hosepipe ban's starting to seriously affect our leisure time. Goodness knows what it must be like for people with lawns.

9 Tuesday

As much as I'm looking forward to our holiday, I have to admit I don't really enjoy the packing. It's such a chore trying to cram as much as possible into a small suitcase. Then there's the inevitable bouncing up and down on the lid. And Stephen sulking when I ask him to stop doing it while I'm trying to pack.

Knowing exactly what to pack is the great trick. You need to take into consideration the local climate when choosing which clothing to take, and the local cuisine when deciding between tinned meats. As a general rule I find a stout swimsuit and sturdy jumper cover most eventualities, and one family-sized tin of Spam per day is usually sufficient unless you're self catering.

Here are a few more handy hints for travelling abroad:

1. As well as being a perfect accompaniment to any foreign meal, Thousand Island dressing has a sun protection factor of 25 if smeared liberally.

2. Socks take up less space when rolled up into tight balls, although this can make walking longer distances a little uncomfortable.

3. Increased security levels mean that airport staff are constantly on the look-out for so-called dangerous items - save time and embarrassment by leaving bottles of baby milk, firelighters and shoes at home.

4. Bulky photographic equipment can take up a lot of valuable space in your suitcase. Instead, buy postcards of local scenes featuring people who resemble you and your family.

5. Leave enough space for those last-minute items such as toothbrushes, deodorant and the baby (excess hand luggage is awfully expensive and it can be a real squeeze in those overhead lockers).

10 Wednesday

Three days until we go on holiday. The great passport hunt begins today. There's no problem with mine or the children's documents - I keep them safe in the sock and spandex drawer. Stephen's, however, is an entirely different matter. It can turn up anywhere - down the back of the sofa, down the back of the fridge, down the back of a security box at Euston station. It's almost as if he doesn't want me to find it! I think perhaps it might be to do with the photograph. I told him there's no need to worry, the big silly - it's perfectly normal to have an embarrassing passport photo. What isn't perfectly normal is a taxi driver describing his occupation as 'renaissance man'. Nor is drawing in fake stamps of Los Angeles, Sydney and Toronto.

11 Thursday

Only two days to go! We took the dog to Bone Alone kennels today. Sadly, even in this day and age, rabies is still a very real danger - but it's the only kennels we could afford.

12 Friday

Finally found Stephen's passport. In the gibbon enclosure at London Zoo. It's always in the last place you look.

13 Saturday

When it comes to that frantic journey to the airport it's a real help having a cab driver for a husband! Having said that, if our plane hadn't been delayed by six hours, we would have missed our 6 p.m. check-in time. It almost seemed like he deliberately took the most circuitous route possible. And on top of that, he expected a tip.

When we finally made it to terminal three, we all dashed straight to the express check-in (five items or less) and heaved our bags onto the conveyor belt. The girl behind the desk was terribly friendly as she checked our tickets - a little overly friendly in Stephen's case, I thought. We barely had time to stock up at the duty free before the announcement came over the tannoy that our flight was boarding.

I'm writing this on the plane, which is about to take off. As we all took up our seats, I have to admit I felt a little apprehensive. Not that I have a fear of flying or anything like that. That would be ridiculous for a seasoned traveller such as myself. Still, there's nothing wrong with the odd miniature gin to steady the nerves. No, I'm concerned that Stephen's usual boorish behaviour might further increase at altitude, especially with the in-flight drinks. I know I will have to keep a very close eye on him in case it looks like anything untoward might occur.

14 Sunday

15 Monday

Woke up with the most awful headache, dry mouth and feeling disorientated. Must be jet lag. I'll try going back to sleep . . .

16 Tuesday

Ah, that's better. I think. Although I can't say I'm particularly impressed with this hotel room. It's awfully bare and the bed is rock hard. And as for that bucket in the corner! I can only say the photos in the brochure were more than a little misleading. I wonder where the others have got to? Causing havoc somewhere, no doubt . . .

Finally found Stephen, when he came to pay my bail this evening. Apparently there was some kind of incident on the plane. I'm a little hazy on the details but it seems to have involved myself, several miniatures of gin and an emergency landing. Fortunately, the field we landed in turned out to be a good deal nearer the resort than the airport is.

17 Wednesday

Had my first holiday breakfast this morning. The dining hall is enormous with a huge central table housing both continental and English buffets, together with a giant sculpture of the god Neptune, wielding a trident carved from a variety of local cheese and cooked meats (and whatever else was left over from yesterday's breakfast).

Stephen's already booked the kids into the Underage Fun Club, run by Freddie the Fish, Charlie the Chip and Johnny 'the Knuckles' Jenkins. Each day they're removed from our room, kicking and shouting with joy, to take part in a range of fun activities such as Jellyfish Prodding, Russian Pedalo and 'Who Can Swim the Furthest Out to Sea?' I'm particularly looking forward to their end of week show,
Midnight Express - The Musical
.

Free of the joys of parenthood, Stephen and I spent the day by the pool topping up our tans. Although I have to say, I've never been much of a sun-worshipper myself. I find it a poor substitute for more enriching activities, like making a nice pot of tea. Just as well I bought something to read at the airport, otherwise I would have been bored out of my mind. I was delighted to discover, hidden among the usual chick-lit titles, a genuine classic - the tale of a young female Victorian biologist's struggle to make her way to the top of a male-dominated world:
Flora and Faunacation
. It's a thoroughly absorbing read. So far, her father, successful industrialist and big-game hunter Jedwardiah Strobe, has threatened to cut her off without a penny unless she gives up her 'votes for animals' campaign and agrees to head his forthcoming dodo-culling expedition.

18 Thursday

Woke up this morning to the familiar sound of rainfall. Switched on the television to see if we could find the weather forecast, but the only channel we could find seemed to be showing a
Columbo
marathon. Fortunately, the resort has plenty of indoor activities - room service, a minibar . . .

19 Friday

The kids' big show tonight. They've been rehearsing all week. Such a shame we couldn't make it, but it was the episode where Columbo befriends the big action-movie star, only to discover he murdered his own stunt double. To think he would have got away with it if he hadn't tried to escape by jumping into that ravine.

20 Saturday

Went down to breakfast and found ourselves sharing a table with the Middlesmiths, a delightful family from Tunbridge Wells who must have arrived today. Adrian is an accountant and his wife Samantha is a chiropractor, or as they put it, he crunches numbers all day while she crunches spinal cords. Stephen found that as hilarious as I did, once I'd explained what a chiropractor was. And an accountant. Their children, Sheldon and Maisy, were adorable, if a little less socially confident than our kids, although I have to say their table manners put our children's to shame. They seemed to know instinctively which cutlery to use when - and, in fact, to use cutlery at all.